I feel you constantly each second
You are the one thing I breathe, the one thing I cling onto for my dear life
What did I ever do to you?
I am in debt to you?
I work hard, pay my dues and respect the world
What did I do to deserve such persecution?
Dear pain I think our contract has to be terminated
But then again if you leave me who is left with my dark soul
Who is left to keep me company at my lonely dark grave?
I am tired of being used, dumped and stepped on
Haven’t you had your fun yet? I think I have reached my dying limits
I give up! Then pain, please I beg!
Lend me a dying wish!
I think in this game of cat and mouse you have won
I think I am now brave enough to accept defeat
I am strong enough to handle the fact that I am nothing!
Dear pain, I have nothing but tears to shed
Dear pain, lend me a dying wish!
If you do come to my funeral, don’t be sad
We were good friends, the best of the best
I would have not wronged the world if I say I enjoyed having you
Dear pain, please keep away from the ones I LOVE
Lend them the opposite of my imperfections
Dear pain my partner in this emotionless crime
PLEASE! DO LEND ME A DYING WISH….

By: One Pamela Pusumane.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER AND AUTHOR.

Tell me not of no joy
For you have never faced death
Nor have you seen pitch black days
Where a black man re -wrote history books
And became the monster of all
But then again I have seen a black man change the world
I have seen the human race believe in a split second.
In a dark room I lay, tired, exhausted and fed up with life’s empty promises!
There is no sunshine at the end of the stupid rainbow
No knight in shining amour
Only the devil with blows that are beyond me
Trials that become my life, like words engraved they now define me.
If heaven does have a highway, I would love a ride
I am weary of sitting on the side
Long gone have I forsaken my pride?
I cry out, yet my snivel remains silent to the world.
What I am to do?
Even loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
I build a wall so high that it will reach space
Because then, may be, just may be… the universe might listen to my case
I now believe I am not of this generation
Never will I be driven by desperation
I gaze to the heavens for consolation
But all I receive is **** condemnation
Defeat is a feeling I have, it lies below
Beneath the plains of my pain
Surges through me like a speeding train
Takes me high and low that I feel so drained
Like a prisoner I feel suffocated, tied, clamped and so much in a chain
What the hell I am I to gain
I guess I now know the feelings of Cain
I now can say the universe is not fair
Need I not no fate nor luck
Reality just gave me a blow
Lost I remain, like a speckle of dust I mean nothing to the world
But my question to anyone out there……
What is it to be human…….

I let you in my life for a dance and you stepped on my toes like it was the end
Threw pieces at me that hurt like gravel sand
Guess I now have an excuse to say why I feel like this
I let down my guard for you and you destroyed me
Gave you my time, my money and my efforts
Showed you a whole new world of meaning
I gave you the keys to my dark soul
I sit here while I suffocate in this darkness
Surrounded by it, its depth, its contrast is overwhelming
Truth be told, I am tired of being used
Satan threw me into the dustbin, did not even turn back
After I shed so much blood for him
God then lent me two minute redemption
Split seconds gasp of pure air, a ray of light
He then took it away together with his disciples
I am tired of being alone inside, alone in a crowd
Trying so hard to fit in, why do people use me?
Even a ****** is better since people use it for their own definition of what love is
But what am i?
**** love, friendship and relationships because I am tired of trying
My heart is big but it beats quiet
Dear chance…. I am tired of the world
So please lend me a dying wish
A dying wish to leave this earth
In God and Satan I found no answer
I feel alone in a roomful of people
I look at the sky and see how far heaven is from me
How far redemption is from me!

The world used me! Dear chance…….
Please I beg you! Lend me a dying wish

Need not blame me for being insecure
I am no doctor, hell I don’t have the cure
You cared, you landed you ears but I looked the other way
I did not having anything to say and I now know that was never okay

Who was I to judge you,, but then again when the world taught me to hate what more can I do?
I am lost in this dark hole where love ceases to exist, this pit I call hell.
How can I love when I do not know the meaning of the word?
I pushed you away because no one can come in
I build this barrier this wall, this guard that I never let down
Dear I pushed you away you never had a single chance, not one in a million


Truth be told I did care... I do have a heart in this dark cold empty chest of mine
Please tell the world then to give me lashes like my mother did
I am speechless, robbed of words and all I have is a fake smile
All I can do is marry this darkness...
I am  suffocating and  I think that  I am going to lose myself any minute now


Dear I pushed you away…. You never stood a chance
But if I may ask are you willing to wait for all eternity?
Truth is I care so much it hurts.. but after loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
After love stabbed me in the back, after I walked through gates of hell
I could take it no more
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretense is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live

I bear great regrets that have got me wishing
Wishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
Dear I pushed you away…….. do accept this letter.

I am tired of this rollercoaster ride
Exhausted of watching from the side
Dear emotions, can I please plead my case
Can I rebuild my base?
I crawl on this ice cold floor…….. Blood oozes out of my wrist
Numb is the feeling I have as I lay on my back
I look to the heavens for sole placate... Try to reminisce
Resurface old memories that lay deep, digging out all the pain
Dear emotions, can’t you just lend me a dying wish?
Why I do I perish?? Please serve me as the devil’s dish
Can’t I just walk into hell and just dump this heavy burden
Dear emotions, I think you and I my friend are beyond repair
I allowed you to sell me dreams that slowly built inside of me
Dreams that are catastrophic... no wonder I am claustrophobic
If peace and love exists in my dreams only then I beg
Down on black and bruised knees… don’t wake me up
I lie on back confused, abused and intrigued
When will this end? This pain…
I have never seen love or met it
How will I know when I finally do?
So busy with hate and revenge! I think I am in too deep
So deep that I breathe and live on hate and revenge
What am I? A monster? Think I need saving grace
Since I cannot keep up with this pace
So dear poetry lend me an audience
Dear emotions, lend me a dying wish

I don’t have exultant memories of childhood
Never have I build stupid sand castles in the air
All I am I owe to pain
I have never shared a genuine smile
At the end… everyone always leaves
So life…… I am going to leave you first
I would rather save myself the disappointment
I feel lost in a cave that is pitch black
I try to yell for help
But all I hear is the echo of my own pain
The thing about pain is that you will never ever gain
But then again when you feel it…. You still know that you are alive
My soul cries out yet there is still silence
I have travelled the world searching for answers
I have gone places searching for redemption
I have met many faces seeking consolation
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I wish not to be of this generation
That is forever driven by desperation
I think I am beyond repair
I seem not to fit anywhere
The mistake I make is letting my guard now
Life has no sympathy... it never cares just like everyone around
I am sick of lies at least politics lie for a reason and you know why

Slowly I fade away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like I am rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
Life is a two faced ***** who will stab you in the back
Does not care whether you blue, green or black
At last, I got the memo; at last I get the picture because there was never one
Truth be told I never did belong… life treated me like a disposable material
Even some materials are recycled.. What about me then?  Aint  I that worth it?
I wish I could find someone who loves me for me…
Someone who does not sell me empty promises and then leave me dry, hanging and afraid of the world
Its funny enough I sought to the devil for refuge... …Was willing to shed blood to belong
But… but he too even dumped me! I look to the heavens for solace but I receive denunciation
They made me feel like there was nothing left of me
Am I wrong for wanting more? Am I a sinner for asking for acceptance?
My knees be blue and black from praying loud yet silent unanswered prayers
My heart bleeds as I illuminate a fake smile…my dark soul suffocates me
I gasp for air as if I am in a pit of hell. No… I am in hell
I search this world seeking where I could fit in….. but to no avail
I guess everyone does belong somewhere right? This god had a plan!
A well constructed script that included everyone even the unwanted extras
What about me then? That’s a question I ask as the heavens deny me placate
That’s my case against the world….. Because the world sold me a dream
A dream that was a blunt twisted lie because life proved me wrong
My blood runs cold with a chill
****! I think I might need that ecstasy pill
I put on my pride…… hell life took me for a **** ride! I now watch from the side
At last as I make my final choice …. To depart this earth...
This trap, this tunnel of horror with no glimpse of light
Dear too late... …. If ever this note reaches you ... In this exact moment when you read it
It then means at last you got what you wanted
At last you may never ever understand because... Because
You never really knew me….at last I just faded into the background