I remember the day my dignity was lost
Not by choice but taken
The air was dewy and the grass was layered with frost
I recalled every word he said and was shaken
I walked through campus looking like a freakshow for everyone to see
I felt the blood trickling down me
For years we were friends
I thought I could trust him till the end
I remember gaining my conscious back
He whispered, "shh, it's okay I'm almost done"
After those words the silence lacked
With my tears drowning out his "fun"

This is what comes to mind when I think of you
   I really hate clichés but sometimes they are proven true
Like a sheep, you were soft, sweet, gentle, and kind
   You seemed so different than the other animals I have left behind
Like a lioness, I watched you from afar
   Then I approached, leaving the door to my heart ajar
Like the enticing wolf, you tricked me into your lair
   We began a game of cat and mouse and I was an active player
One day strangers and the next so intertwined
   I acted from the heart but you from your mind
We got serious a little too fast
   It makes sense something so easy could not last
What does not make sense though are all the things you said
   What was sheep?
   What was wolf?
   Was it all to get me into your cavernous bed?
If that is the case then I am left purring inside
   Why tell me I brought out the best in you?
   Why push your way through?
   Why make me feel special just to waste my time?
How could you say you were trying to make it work while waiting for feelings?
   None of this makes any sense and my brain is just reeling
You were nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing
   That messed with a lioness who will not stand for self-loathing
I can say I do not hate you without the slightest hitch
   But here is another cliché for you, Karma’s a *****

I'm not bitter. I've bit my bottom lip too hard twice too many times, but I still wonder why my lips are bleeding. I've said few too many prayers to a God that shut me out before I even reached salvation in the first place. I've swallowed too many handfuls of dirt and sunflower seeds in the hopes that something beautiful will grow inside of me. I'm sad with a boy that loved me so much that it hurt him, and I'm sad without him. My windows are nailed shut, but the curtains won't stop blowing. I'm still trying to figure out how many times I have to get drunk in a church parking lot before I build the courage up to tell you I'm sorry. God speaks in tongues, but I was only ever taught to bite mine. Okay. Maybe I am bitter, but I have the right to be.

am I


special?

see, I thought I was.

but then I woke up
after nothing happened
and you were cold
and I was hot
and I didn't want to touch you
and you felt dead.

and then,
when you woke up too
your eyes never found mine

and your arm felt forced
around me
out of some sort of
unspoken understanding
you thought you knew

and your head was
empty

and so was the jar on the floor
and I wanted you and I wanted
more.

we are rotting-
overtaken by the spores of
our split decisions.

Your eyes


just

don't excite anymore.

C.e.M. 11.26.14