Life has this funny effect on people, you’re whole life is made up of other people's opinions and thoughts not your own. After awhile you start to realize that your life is not your own, other people depend on you and need you. So if you go and decide to do something stupid like smoke and it ends up going down hill it's not just you who gets hurt. What if you had died, your life is not your own you can't just go around throwing your life away, people look up to you and expect certain things from you. You can't just do something stupid and risk your own life, it’s not your life to risk. You could've died that day in the ambulance, you overdosed and almost died. Yet it doesn't seem to faze you but at the same time it took something from you, you haven't been the same since. I try so hard to get you back to your regular self, but ever since that night you went into a shell I have yet to break you from. It’s not a game when you almost die, you overdose on the lies that you were told. Trust is something you have lost, life is confusing and you’re scared. Scared and terrified on the side of the street you had to call your own ambulance, left alone to die by the ******* who did this. Now he’s in jail, yet you're still the one suffering. How is any of this fair, simple it’s not. Life completely ******* you over, that much is pretty obvious but you have to fight back. You have every right to be who you were before all of this happened, yet you can't overcome the pain and fear of what has happened. What you don’t understand is, you’re so much stronger than you think. People look up to and count on you because they know they can rely on you. You’re heart is full of passion and love for the others around you and the funny things is you don't even seem to see that. Life has a funny way of working out for people, sometimes you have to fall before you fly. I think you’re just starting to figure this out and you’re having a hard time adjusting, its understandable. You're still going through withdrawal and that's a very scary process, but I know you can get through it.

How do you see yourself, are you strong and cunning, or are you quiet and awkward. I see myself as barely hanging on to the branch of hope from the tree of despair. I planted this tree many years ago from the pain and hurt that the world has so generously thrown towards me. This tree consist of the stump where you first started this scary road at age 5, you slowly move up the tree going towards the branches. The first branch signifies the first beating, the leafs on the branch show how many times, over and over again. The next branch is from your first bruise as a child, the leafs over growing the branch because there are just too many to count. The third branches is a little better, your first smile in a long time, this branch has had very few leafs for quite some time. Now lets jump to age 8, your eighth branch that consist of many twigs, where things seem so dim and so fragile that the twigs could snap at any time because things could turn back to bad so fast. Your ninth branch is a very special branch, you see a little light of hope where maybe you think god is there. Age 11, you're up to branch thirteen where you’re still trying to recover from the unfair hurt this is an empty branch, still unable to figure out how to reclaim yourself. Your fourteenth branch is called the branch of fear, now this branch is filled with leafs because you’re just terrified of everything. The fifteenth branch is where you hold all your pain and fears this branch is covered with leaves on twigs, the twigs are your fears and the leaves are the pain you've endured. Or how about the branch of forgiveness where you’re unsure if you should leave a leaf or not. We’re up to age 15 where acceptance is key, this is a branch with a single leaf, as I'm still trying to forgive and leave a second leaf. Right now I’m hanging from the branch where I have hope dangling from very few leaves, but I’m slipping and might not be able to hang on to this branch for much longer. Now we come to the rigorous days of rain that is constantly pouring down, all my emotions hitting every branch.

I am waiting for people to accept each other for who they really are,
not for who they want people to see,
I am waiting for people to see how ******* up the world is,
and actually do something to change it,
I am waiting for people to realize that even though you say we’re far from hell,
you look and realize that we’re slowly sinking into it,
I am waiting for people to stand up and say I believe this,
not just sit quiet and act like mindless robots,
I am waiting for people fall in love without the fear of getting hurt,
take a chance,
I am waiting for people to see that people die everyday,
but only few are noticed and remembered.

I am waiting for people to be honest how they’re feeling,
not just saying I’m good, if you’re feeling terrible SAY IT,
I am waiting for people to see that gender and race don't mean a **** thing,
that you should be judged on your mind and thoughts,
I am waiting for people to stop obsessing and stop hunting for love,
let love come to you its not your whole life,
I am waiting for people to claim their thoughts for there own,
don’t hide under the name anonymous,
I am waiting for teenagers to open up their minds to new ideas,
I am waiting for people to understand that we created hell,
Hell is our own reality, which means we can get rid of it.

Freedom gives us……

poetry and the ability to make music,
you just have to ignore the discrimination in them,
Freedom gives us the poetry that helps your thoughts become real,
even when you hear poems that remind you of the hell we’re living in,
Freedom gives us soldiers to fight our wars,
even though they don’t always come back,
Freedom gives us faith to stand tall on,
if you don't mind people killing each other over religion,
Freedom gives us happiness,
and every now and then a glimpse of hell.
Freedom gives us the right to do whatever you want,
with some murders and don't mind the gun shots.
Freedom gives you a free voice,
if you don’t mind a war because of different opinions,
Freedom gives you the choice to believe in heaven,
though hell proceeds to make sure it’s all around us,
Freedom gives kids the right to be in themselves,
even if kids are bullied daily,
Freedom gives us the the right to think love exist,
you just have to ignore all the hatred people show towards one another,
Freedom gives us the right to believe there are good people in the world,
even when sometimes all you can see is the air filled with blood,
Freedom gives you the right to talk about whatever you want wherever you want,
just not in school as if **** and drugs are trigger words that might remind kids of reality,
Freedom gives us the right to go to school and learn,
just not about the real world,
We learn that ****** are only in the dark alleys and white vans.
no one ever told us they could be the ones in our home,
our neighbors,
our friends,
They make it sound like a fairy tale “the princess always gets saved”,
I guess I was just too broken,
showed too much emotion so they didn't need to save me,
Freedom gives us choices,
Fight back or stay quiet and I chose to fight back
I didn't need a prince charming I SAVED MYSELF, came clean as people called me a liar
Because I denied a little girl her ******* fairy tale,
Freedom gives us the right to feel powerful,
they forgot to mention how fast it can be taken away.
I am waiting for people to understand that we created hell,
which means we can get rid of it.

You see a girl who's always smiling,
A girl who always manages to think positive,
A girl who never backs down from a fight,
What you don’t is a girl who is crying on the inside,
What you don’t see is a girl who has an everyday battle with a razor blade,
What you don’t see is a girl who is terrified to speak up in a crowd,
You see a girl who stands tall,
A girl that makes any situation fixable,
A girl that many people enjoy being around,
What you don’t see is the pain hidden inside,
What you don’t see is a girl who is terrified to mess up,
What you don’t see is the feeling of hatred she can’t get out of her head,
You see a girl who can laugh even when she’s broken
A girl that seems strong as stone on the outside,
A girl who so easily makes friends,
What you don’t see are the tears she just wiped from her cheek,
What you don’t see is the emotional and mental scars that have taken over her body,
What you don’t see is a girl who fears the next day it’s the day they could find out her past.

I stand there like a stone, watching you leave sunk my heart
I try to push out the words “please stay” but I just go silent

I miss the smell of your colon
I miss what we had but not what you’ve become

You found love again
I have yet to rebuild what you’ve wrecked inside me

“I’ll always be there”
A lie that caused wounds

You will come back soon
I won’t be here ready to be your rebound

You say you know me but you don’t
If you knew me you would know that I am so much stronger than you think

I was dragged to hell and I crawled back out more than once
Scars placed on me that no one can see

You’re not aloud to control me
You’re somebody I knew that’s it

I learned a lesson from you
I don’t ever wanna close my eyes and think of you again

Without you I feel torn
I will heal though

You will soon realize what you lost
But by then I will have a new hand to hold.

I’ve learned a lot about people,
This summer has put my perspective in a different direction,
Her name was Andrea,
She was the “Big Sister” in the group,
I confided my heart and soul to her,
I expected a lot of bad reactions,
Yet all I got was love,
My personal favorite,
Pouring out encouragement and “it’ll be ok”,
When ever she would say that it was like a blanket wrapping me in warmth,
On the outside she was strong and kind,
On the inside she was even more beautiful,
Andrea held so many up,
But she kept forgetting about herself,
The day I told her my biggest pain I knew things were gonna change,
Pain was all I was seeming to learn that month,
She was my shield my safety net,
She may have let me fall a few times but she never let me fall alone,
It had seemed my pain was her pain,
I couldn’t seem to understand why she cared so much,
She saved my life,
She will never truly understand how much of a blessing she is,
I’m haunted by bad dreams,
But one text from her can make the dreams a little less scary,
It’s not alright to feel like you’re falling into nothing,
You can learn to fly,
That’s the most valuable thing I’ve learned throughout my 17 years,
I had so many words,
But I had no direction to send them,
My life was falling apart,
The anger that I felt the day she told my biggest secret was unexplainable,
Now I’m starting to understand it was never anger,
It was fear,
The Doctors, Social Workers and my own family turned their backs on me,
I have never felt so empty,
My head felt so heavy,
My heart was empty and my worst fears were coming true,
I held in every bit of emotion for the next couple weeks after,
I would get stares in the hall and think to myself “do they know”,
The week after it was senior formation,
That was a very hard day for me because I had to let go even if I wasn’t ready,
Andrea was ready to go,
I couldn’t hold her back,
So many emotions running through my brain that night,
Only by the grace of god did I have the strength to hold it all in,
I didn’t want to ruin a great night,
It didn’t matter what was going on in my life,
She came first and she still does,
In her mind it’s the exact opposite,
I guess it’s just a sister thing,
I went tumbling down this summer,
Andrea may have let me fall but never once alone,
It seemed as if the pain I was feeling was contagious,
I hated myself for that,
The night that I was assaulted I wasn’t the only one who felt it,
She held it together for me and for that I can never thank her enough,
I never knew how hard it would be for me to be okay again,
It’s a process,
But it’s never something you should go through alone,
If you’re lucky enough you will find someone like Andrea,
I ended up getting pregnant,
My life was not my own at that point,
There were a lot of thoughts going through my mind,
it was a terrifying but an amazing feeling,
I was scared of something I couldn’t even see,
As I grew closer to one month the fear was getting stronger,
I only had one way out I kept telling myself,
I just couldn’t do it,
I didn’t have a right to hurt others,
I was being selfish with my life,
That was the day I understood,
A week after it was just me,
God had given then taken away a child,
I don’t know if that was the right thing for me,
Was it my fault,
I questioned myself for months and still do,
I lost a lot this summer,
My confidence,
My personality,
My soul,
And a child,
I’ve grown so much stronger since then,
I’m starting to smile like I used to,
I’ve learned to celebrate the little things and cherish the big ones,
I can be the one light to make the dark just a little scary for others,
I wanna help people I just don’t know how yet,
Andrea may be rust in her mind,
But to me she is a diamond,
How do you say goodbye to someone who saved you?