My heart slowed down, thudded
Breath caught in my chest
I closed my eyes inevitably
Fear invaded my consciousness

Open my eyes, these lazy eyes
See what I’ve reaped
This coward sleeps, the darkness leaps
I see it waiting patiently

This, this, the journey
I thought it the road less traveled by
Full of intricacies,
my light its inner guide

But,
What if it’s a lie, this little light

And I,
Reticent,

Along for the ride

When I have nothing to lose,
Then yes, I'm a risk taker
I'm no adrenaline ******
But the high leaves me smiling
For who would take me on?

I'll ask out the guy who's on tour
knowing he has the easy way out
I'll project myself as confident
and needing no one
I'll smile and say I'm okay knowing
you'll just move on

I'll say I did it and no one took me on

For who will take a chance on me

...and see that I'm risking myself

I have everything to lose...
So
no,
I'm no risk-taker at all

Tracing daybreak by the fingertips,

each shade of the sun trying to burn through me,

leaving behind my silhouette,

leaving behind a memory,

reminiscing days long past,

chasing the moon

Buzzfeed. I love Buzzfeed. I love gossip. Buzzfeed is important gossip. Buzzfeed seems to be becoming more accessible to the D/HH community. I can watch it with accurate, in sync captions. It’s great. But for some reason, I can’t hear the video and read the captions at the same time. Puzzling. To me, you’re saying either I hear, or don’t hear. Either/or, your topics are all in the gray, yet I can only be deaf or hearing you say?

I’m in between, your words I need to see, the sounds I need to feel, the residual hearing gives me a taste of the message you want to convey to me.

Thank you technology for granting me access. Thank you humanity for blurring my view. Thank you Youtube for “speech-to-text” captions. It’s a work in progress that seems to work 0% of the time. Smart t.v.s and their hi def and their apps and music. It's so smart that the moment the HDMI cord marks the moment of completion, they never considered the hi def to to be as important as the captions are to the deaf. Sharp, pixelated images has nothing to do with the ability to hear. So Im sitting here, watching my smart tv without the captions wondering if they will ever understand the difference

Deaf and dumb. You’re either/or. Like the reason you didn’t understand can’t be attributed to the lack of paying attention. What’s wrong with you, you deaf or dumb? It's an oft-uttered phrase. Its a subliminal stereotype that bites me. The fact that it's in the same line as dumb, you gotta put let us know what you mean. You’re so deep in your conversation, like we’re not stuck in the dark ages. You didn’t mean that, yet it faze me. Everybody’s fighting back stereotypes, mine just happen to be a “melting ***.”
You’re so pretty for a black girl,
You’re so pretty for a deaf girl.
You’re so smart for a girl,
you run so fast for a girl.
You talk so good for a deaf girl,
you talk so white for for a black girl.
Yeah, I heard you. Inaudible. Selective hearing has its perks.

I’m offended that you’re offended by my lack of attention. Of my rudeness. Oh you’re doing me a favor? Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Whisper in my ear when I ask you to repeat----hello, Deaf here?
Yell to make up for my understanding----louder doesn’t mean clearer. Even talking to me in the dark, don’t even try  that. You’re blocking my sensory input.

Second-guessing:
-did my phone go off?
-did someone call my name? It’s too risky finding out, continues walking
-is my music too loud? Yes, no, maybe so? Yea? No music then
-home alone: what sound is that? My breathing, the wind, someone opening the door in the basement, never-mind that, I can’t hear it anyways.
-Is mom mad yelling or am I dreaming her voice...
-ice cream truck. Nuff Said

I explained my thoughts. I cried while doing so. I plainly said,
“I was afraid.”
“Get it over with,” you said. “I’d be mad, but it's only for a while. Only you can live with it.”

How do I live with myself when I live in fear? When everyday of my childhood, you made avoidance look easy. You never accepted and saw the underlying reason. “Its bad. So don’t do it.”

That simple right?

And the shouting began.

I'd rather live with my lies than deal with your truth. Your truth consist of beating the topic to death. Forgive and forget you say? Where was that after I said sorry? When months, years pass by?

But you’re still mad.

And I am still afraid.

I cant apologize
those simple words of Im sorry
becomes lead in my body
I feel like its not enough
I tried to prove with my actions
But needed words for attention
What a delayed reaction
I depended on no one
even when I knew I was wrong
Ive got no pride
not in myself for sure
wish someone could hand me the cure
its not a jigsaw puzzle
the lines were black and white
fifty shades of gray made no light
Darkness ensuing
The light at the end of my tunnel
has turned into a ******* funnel
my demesne's been overturned
can't take ownership of mine
when the rights were drained like wine
I ****** up yearly
this is my circle structure
fake epiphanies make up my future

some days, I add to my plate, a spoonful of bull and a load of ****

some days, I look in the mirror, disgust clouded my eyes full of doubt

I can't waste another day, slipping through my fingers like the sands of time

Drowning in potential, limit to which mold I can fill it with

face away, don't look at the cracks that fill my certainty

I look back, no regrets, yea right, can only say that cuz it can't be changed

but the only thing I've been doing is knocking on walls

slip and fall, dodging calls, hug the prison I've been living in

open the window, choke on air, be awhile till someone cares

Only the lonely the lone river sighs
Seeking the answer that lies in its path
Searching, its currents pounded each rock
Overturned every pebble
Eroded every cliff
The lone river stood still
The lone river crashed on


Shoulder to shoulder, bank to bank
Climbed every crevice, overflowed every ditch
The answer has to be here somewhere
It created its own path
It screamed in tempest
Raged on in storms
The lone river in flux
The lone river overflowed

It greeted the sky at its moment of rebirth

Looked on and sighed
The lone river let go

sometimes i forget you’re deaf--- yeah I know, my voice sometimes sounds like yours, but remember you’re seeing my cameo appearance

sign language gives me the ability to see what you feel, the nuances that makes you, you, and hopefully you see that in me too.

my eyes trace the curl of your lips, the lifts of your cheekbones, the crinkles of your eyes, Not because you’re pretty (tho Im sure you think you are), not because I'm creepy, but because it’s my method of carrying on conversations. In your eyes are where I find your words, the verity on your cheeks, the tone on your lips.

Seeing as I can do that, DO...YOOOUU...STILLL...NEEEED...TOOO...TAALLK....LIIKKEE...THIISS­? **** NO. Over-enunciation is a thing and I don’t need that *******. I’m deaf, not dumb.

When people ask me, “Did you hear that?!”......HAHAHAHAHHA

There’s also that moment when you can’t distinguish whether your mom’s yelling at you cuz she mad or cuz you can’t hear

One of the best moments ever is like when I turn on my hearing aids and I’m waiting, like I get this start-up music, like windows pc, right? And like whammo! It’s Claritin-HEAR.

That awkward moment when you’ve asked someone to repeat 4 times and you still don’t understand what they said... :/

Calling on the phone. Let me see if I can get you to visualize this:
Ring Ring. Picks up
Hello, may I know whom I’m speaking to?
-Yes, this ---- Im here to talk about---. Is-----ome?
What, can you repeat that?
-Yes of cou--- to talk about---
Wait, Wait. Hold on, let me get my sister.
-Why? It's not---
Here you go.
*Done with conversation

I’ve got other examples: there’s the African accent of my family and friends from Africa. There’s the too quiet, can’t possibly speak louder than a whisper, there’s the too fast for my shirt. There’s the simple phone call from the dispatcher/sales person...There’s too much confusion on both ends and frustration when people on the other end must think you’re rude for wasting their time. I just got to the point that I would sometimes ignore phone calls because I’m not in the mood to embarrass myself not hearing anything they say.

Surrounded by everything
yet I sense nothing
Minute by minute, my time's gone by seconds
feeling insecure, waiting for day of reckoning

Grow up and scream at the falsity, the lies
Get down and hide your childhood, your eyes
Increasing the distance of naïveté behind you
Closing in on the darkness within you

Let us not dive into the depths of despair
I couldn't handle this alone, not fair
Open your eyes, I'm not going anywhere
Standing beside you, see and have no fear

Ive been brought to the point of hate and its
galling
Ive been brought to the point of waterfall tears and its
ugly

Ive been described as a coward for not listening
Ive been described as inconsiderate for not thinking
Ive been described as selfish for not taking what is willing given

I just want to run away

my rosy fingered dawn,

tipped one crooked finger,

a come-hither come on,

entangled me in secrets,

hot as sin,

licked me in the ear,

twilight's a long time away,

stay for a while,

rolled that belly like curls on water,

running down her back,

sashayed back and forth,

her hips are just a fact,

drew me in,

drugged on sun-kissed rays,

not letting go,

please,

i'm here to stay,

sshhhh,

its okay,

im here all day,

like a dream in the light of dawn

I haven't written in a while
The time it takes to swallow your thoughts and let them stew in your belly?
The only thing that'll come out is **** and ****
I'm so tired of being evocatively inspired and not have the words to say what I'm feeling accurately enough
I keep swallowing, swallowing
My words stick in the saliva that hydrates my lips
Cracked every time my tongue can't bathe them
swallow, swallow
till I can't anymore
till I can't fight anymore
then,

A swallow flew over head

This is the most confusing life I've ever lived,
I keep chasing myself every second of every day
just to figure out what I'm doing,
The goal seems irrelevant when compared to self-hood,
Yet I'm willing to throw that away for the sake of living

there was no excuse
no judgement staring back at me
the warmth you exuded, as pure as the driven snow
All that white welcomes me

          I've been waiting

Please God, help me get rid of this anger in me
It's swelling, getting larger each time they say something to me
They could be joking,
teasing,
But the punchline, some reason its escaping me

I need to yell, the time and place holds no rationality now

Let it go, the end is coming and I know its gonna be loud

Even though I'm afraid
I'm more afraid of the questions that might follow
   I keep my chin up
When inside I'm ashamed and feel so hollow
   I can't find the answers So I do the things I'm doing knowing full well that I'm shallow

I couldn't live
I'm so passive, the moment my true thoughts escape
I mourned them
For knowing that they didn't matter
anyways, won't be heard

Its a familiar structure
The lines so oft spoken, I finally realized why they're afraid
Suicide really has a pattern
It is human to feel, it is human to be out of control
We are our versions of Vulcan
There is a time for logic to rule and suppress our emotions
For the good of the many

Then I see us slowly dwindling
the identity of Us solely embedded in I
I know I'm not saying anything new
What makes me different?

Knowing that this is just a moment in time

I am so cold right now. It's chilly, the shivers that travel through my body. Sometimes I think winter never left. Or it's possible I never left winter. I thought that snow was the best. A winter birthday that would leave the fire roaring. Now, as I see my breath taking away my warmth, I miss the
I wish that
If possible
Someone could warm up the embers inside me

It's summer now. I can only exist in extremes. Please someone turn the heat on the 80 degree weather. Five months of winter here and still. Winter always leaves an imprint. I never forget. I can’t. These cold hands my body’s method to conserve heat. If only my heart knew to relax. To realize
I have enough
Dont worry, there’s enough of me to go around

I am a work in progress

sometimes I put myself on hiatus
the only way to get off it I guess is to get back to it
my words reflect my growth, however stagnant it appears
and like a ghost I left my imprint here
and the only way to move on is to let go

someone needs to work with me and decide where I go
constructively criticize my character development
how to shift from static to dynamic
build my plot, don't let me stay too long on the exposition
build me a ****** that gently lets you down

don't let me let you down or stop you from living
think of me fondly, the ending's just the beginning
I've recently understood I'm a fountain of endless possibilities  
the road is long
the journey wide open