When I think about first love,
I remember not wanting to say goodbye
We stayed up all night together
24 hours on Skype
We were miles apart;
The closest thing to staying in your arms was hearing your voice as I drifted to sleep.

We were too proud to say it out loud
The truth we both feared.
I said I love you to all my friends,
But it was a coverup
For a different love entirely.
Some truths don’t need to be spoken,
Some beasts are best left unnamed,
But it doesn’t take much to read between the lines
Of our messages when we fantasized
About our lips, bodies, and hands intertwined.

In my dark moments of despair
You could still bring a smile to my face.
I recall, when I told you how much I hated me
You took it upon yourself to write out all the things you loved about me.
I tried to see myself through your adoring eyes
I read your letter countless times.

We burned bright and fast,
And at 16, I could never dream,
Of a world where you weren’t everything to me.
Now, our flame has long been extinguished
The pain of the end no longer stabs me
It’s just a dull memory meandering in my mind.

Your face is just something I see in passing,
But your birthday I still have memorized.
I still think of you when I hear the song that gave you your name,
and I remember what first love was again.

The feeling of never wanting to say goodbye,
But knowing some day you will.

have I ever seen your missing sock?
hanging on the wall with the rest left behind
unaware it touched the feet of someone I’ve yet to meet
but knew so well a thousand lifetimes before.

have our clothes shared the same space?
yours in the washer mine just sudsed in
while mine dry on medium heat in the third dyer on the right
and I sit in a coffee shop
and you go to walk your dog.

and when I retrieve my clothes
yours are in the dryer next to mine
the fourth dryer on the right
did I leave a sock behind?

as you take your clothes from the dryer, do you see a fallen sock in front of your machine?
Halloween in August
you have no idea it belongs to me.
am I even still a memory?

and I come back next week
unaware we both have Tuesdays off
your clothes are in the washer
as I load mine into the spot next to yours
and I go to put coins in
I realize my mind got the best of me
and I have no cash for the change.

as I run to the bank
the timer ticks down
you walk around the corner from the opposite direction
you make it back two minutes to spare
as I wait in line to avoid an ATM fee
you toss your clothes
(or do you load them with care unlike me?)
into that third dryer on the right.

like a ghost you are gone
and I never knew you came
as I trade a $20 in for more quarters than I can carry
the rumble of your clothes harmonizes with the clinking of the coins and then the wooshing of the water.

when the beep comes and I roll my clothes to the dryers
I curse whatever stranger chose the third dryer on the right
in my mind I’ve always claimed that one as mine.

unaware I was cursing an old friend
and I’m the one who is cursed
so I guess that makes two
this eternal phantom dance we do
my midnight confidant
from a past life
intertwined with my mundane routine
so far and so close from our star filled dreams.

The best is a beast I must slay
Living in the valley of expectation
And I know I moved myself there.
The beast lurks late at night
Waking me at three am
Giving me such a fright.

I sharpen my swords
I ******* my shield
And I stay inside.
I practice, practice, practice
Still,
Never perfect.

The best is a beast I must slay,
I will not die buried as I lived
Wrapped in bronze, silver, or dirt.
Cast me in immortality
A golden Goddess
My dying wish is to live forever.

I study
I steady my hand
If it’s not perfect, it’s no good.
I must be prepared and precise
Dedicatedly detailed
A single flaw is fatal.

The best is a beast I must slay,
I am not religious, but giving up is a sin
Second only to failure.
So, I practice my acceptance speech
I know, I know,
I know I will never give.

I know it’s no use
I know I’m too scared
To ever do anything worthwhile.
I fear failure so much
I never even try
And I wonder why I’m still stuck in this valley.

The best is a beast I must slay
This is my life’s goal
Because it will take a life of work to get close.
So close I can taste it
I will probably die
An inch short of the beast’s beating heart.

I march up the hill
I tell myself
Today is the day.
I have done this more times than I can remember
I scare myself
More than any beast ever could.

The best is a beast I must slay,
I remind myself of what’s at stake
More than the glory and gold.
No,
I want to beat the beast
So I can know I can beat the beast inside me.

The best is a beast I must slay.

A clear sky?
When was the last time I saw a clear sky?
I cannot think of the date
The feeling that day is faint.
I’ve grown accustomed to cloudy skies
The day begins with a haze and ends the same.
I see the clouds twist into shapes
I wish I could daydream about beautiful things
Instead,
I see faces above tormenting and sneering
I feel those sneers in the minds of my peers.

I have lost touch of what is true
Is your sky blue?
Do others have a rain cloud above their head?
Can you see the stars at night?
Or are they hidden for you too?

When the clouds won’t part,
I keep my feet on the ground,
And I try to remember what keeps them there:
I’ve grown thankful for the days it does not rain
I try to be thankful for the release those stormy days bring,
I want to be thankful for those who weather the storms with me.

But I cannot remember the last time I saw a clear sky.
Some days, it feels less cloudy than others,
Yet the mystery remains.
A clear sky?
I see it for a moment when I look in her eyes.
I see it for a moment when I see my art on the stage.
I see it for a moment,
But the moment has yet to stay.