After a while, everything stops working.
You just have to give it time to die.

Recently I have allowed myself to get worse.
I stopped telling people how I was feeling,
I couldn't stay sober for more than a week,
I relapsed.
I hate myself for so many things that i have done,
I make the worst descisions,
I can't do things right.
I'm getting worse and I dont know how to ask for help.
It's hard, I want people to think I'm strong but Its hurting me.

God, this writing doesn't even make sense I'm so lost.

If I told you that you were the first one of 7
would you care?
If I told you that it took me months to recover,
would you care?
If I told you that I had panic attacks by the wrong touch,
would you care?
If I told you that I have nightmares about that night,
would you care?

No. You wouldn't.
But I hope you at least know that what you did,
I am reminded of every single week.
When somebody says your name,
when they bring up our past,
when I see a picture of you.

You haunt me.
You broke me.
And I am reminded of it too often.

My bedroom is my prison.
I am locked up with high surveillance.
My guards watching my every move,
yet somehow they see nothing.
A place where misconduct is common,
although the boss never sees.
A cold, harsh feeling always present.
Marks on the wall counting the days until i'm free.
My bedroom is my prison.
And there is no escaping until i'm out.

Face first crash,
****** mouth full of gravel,
some say that's how depression hits you.
others say its like a freight train
that collides into them head on,
and smashes them against the tracks,
leaving bits and pieces of them where they don't belong.
face first crash into depression,
so unexpected,
always hurts the most.

You won't believe how many times I have typed "i'm fine" with shaky fingertips and bloodshot eyes.
Too many to count.
I know that situation too well.

The best way to **** yourself?
The answer is simple:
Don't.
Being alive is not the same as living.
I might as well be dead by the way I feel.
Isolate yourself.
Don't speak when you want to the most.
Fake a smile.
most importantly stay alive, but don't live.
That's the best way  to do it.
To stay alive but feel so numb and sad that it slowly kills you all together.