On this January day,
my heart was broken.
I didn't cry or ask myself why,
I simply mourned the words left unspoken.
How I gave him my all,
But he gave me nothing at all
Except empty promises that he was never going to leave
But isn't that what you get when you wear your heart on your sleeve
And believe every ******* word he says?
I'm not mad, maybe a little sad,
But no big deal.
I've been on this battlefield, before
But I thought this time it was real,
But I lost who I was in his eyes
That still glow gold in sunlight
And those memories burn like the blade
That I put to my skin last Thursday
But he wouldn't pick up the phone,
Never leave a suicidal girl alone
She might drag you down into her black hole
And apparently that's what I did,
Lies spewing from my lips
That I was fine
But tell me why I went outside
"Alive" by Pearl Jam in the earbud jammed into my eardrum,
Screaming at the sky.
It felt surreal as I watched the clouds pass overhead,
Finding a new appreciation for colors that once seemed like a black and white dream
That I'd never see again,
You drained me of everything I once loved,
Claimed it was all in the name of love
But I don't think you know what that means
Because love to me is balanced,
It doesn't make you feel weak
Like you made me to be.
Was I fool? Yes, I admit.
Do I regret letting you in? Yes, I admit.
Do I see your face in the sky? No, I don't.
I see it when I close my eyes like if I stare too long it'll be imprinted in my brain forever,
I should have never brought you to my favorite places because your shadow will always roam behind me.
That's why I'm looking to the sky,
I haven't taken you there yet
And I'm glad because if you were there then I would spend the rest of my life looking at the ground,
And I just can't.
I can't pretend that I'm fine,
I can't pretend that the next few months when I wake up I won't miss your snoring or your imploring of what my nightmares were about,
Come to find out that you were the demon haunting them,
For my fear of abandonment always wins
Because you left me with a pocket full unrequited misery
And looking up into the depth of the sky to repent for my sins,
The sin of loving you even after you hurt me,
That this isn't some twisted dream,
It's reality, which makes it harder to put myself back together again
While you shut me out and I'm living in my head,
I wish you would have just left me for dead instead of numb,
But that's not always how it goes,
I've got your ghost for now,
However, mark my words,
Years from this point I'll be the last thing you think of before you fall asleep
While the image of you won't even occur to me.
I screamed at the sky today,
"Alive" echoing in my ears,
Those unspoken words finally said,
Now in the clouds where they belong.
I'm staying strong.
I screamed at the sky today
And for once,
I think I'm going to be okay.
Written in the aftermath of my first real heartbreak.