Dulling cultivation of thoughts surround me as i limp in agony. Pushing me as far as ive pushed those who meant something to me. Did i protect them from myself destructive temperament or use it as an excuse too.

Although the suns glare shines bright
as the seasons change a new
I feel so empty without you.

I grew up in a religious home,
they implemented this dream
that one day ill be come a priest
And it was the only way to make them happy.

I lived this silly dream up until the end of 5th grade when i realized,
There is no god.

Fore how can a man of such holy stature commit all these heinous crimes against his own "children".
I was 10 years old when i realized i had enough, that my voice needed to be heard.

They dont talk about little boys getting molested, almost intentionally looking away as if it never happens.

Us boys are taught a long list of rules from a young age to never cry, never show fear, never back down, just a whole lot of nevers.

But I was never taught to deal with a grown man inside me.

Believe me it hurt, it hurt more than any pain i have felt to this day.
What made it worse was the one inside me, my father.

At first it started off innocent enough, he was drunk and didnt know what he was doing.
But it soon progressed into a side business he ran under the table
"20 dollars, 20 mins"

At 8 years old, brandy became my best friend. She was the only thing that numbed my pain, although forced down my throat so I wont fight back, I learned to enjoy the burn.

A year later i went to my first party.
Months of getting beat down and broke all was ment for this day.

23 guys; one boy.

Its called manic depression.

When im riding that beautiful and fierce high, it feels like nothing will ever stop me. As if nobody could drop me fore i was floating away in the stars where nobody can touch me.

But atlas, we must all abide by the law of phsyics, every humans greatest weakness.  we all know the dreded saying, "Once something goes up, it must always come down."

I never know what causes me to fall, it could be a word; to a voice. A phrase; to a smile. A song; to laugh. Nothing; to a smell.
Its this free fall into a never ending abyuss of hopelessness. Things that made me happy just moments ago, push me farther down below.

There is no fighting it, its not as simple as reaching my hands out and asking for help. Im binded together by my hands and feet, with a thick layer of duck tape covering my lips. Striping me of my dignity.

Its a constant struggle, suicidal tendencies reep across the corner, ready to pounce.
But somehow I manage to keep myself alive.
Somehow im still here.