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 Oct 2015 Monica Lara
Matt
What's the point
Of living in a 600,000 dollar home
When you spend 40 hours a week
In an office

And two hours watching the television every night

I don't get Americans
Baby boomers especially

Forever saving for the future
They have to have it all
Never really seeing the present

Strange these people

This way is all wrong
Completely and totally wrong

They sacrifice their health
And drink coffee
Their whole lives
And take these pills

And it is all just *******

I will live frugally
And maybe one day buy an RV
And drive around the country
After ***, she fell asleep
and I laid there for some time
thinking about all the collisions
and coincidences that led me
up to this point.
She was a beautiful girl
--blonde hair blue eyes,
you know the deal--
She liked older men,
she had said
while we were speaking
at the bar.
That's when I knew it was
a good thing. That's when
I knew it was good that
I had rented a motel room
so close.
Old men have baggage,
the older you are
the more **** you carry
around like stones.
Older you are, the more ****
everyone else has
to deal with;
especially young
beautiful girls
at a dive bar off of the interstate
hanging around old men.
Especially the old men preying
on younger women at a bar
close to their motel room.

Girls who like older men
are either too naive
to know any better,
or too desperate to give
a ****.

I quietly got up
walked toward the sink,
avoiding carefully the
clothes and wine glasses
that lay all
strewn about the room.
--****** motel--
The ones that still
have the old keys
with that big hole where
the key chain goes.
The water pressure
was terrible
but I ran my face under
the water.
I thought maybe
she must just be naive,
she can't be anything past
twenty or so,
**** still perked and eager
and her thighs still tight.
Not for long,
I would imagine,
not with that inclination
towards older men.
That baggage will weigh
it all down, down, down.

I wish I could
have helped her.
I wish I could have
made her realize
she doesn't much need
the baggage.
--But how do you expect
a lion to tell an antelope not
to get too close?--
You don't.
So I turned off the faucet
and laid back in the bed;
just another old lion
full with thoughts of
the young, eager antelope
and the shame of an
empty victory.
 Sep 2015 Monica Lara
mk
everyone speaks of going to heaven
"may his soul rest in peace"
acting as if they don't realize
he chose this for himself
conciously decided to take his life
he did not grow wings and fly away
his coffin is not empty
it has a body
and that body has rope marks
around the neck
his hands are cold
his eyes are shut
his organs are slowly rotting away
it is not beautiful
he is not an angel
he is the dead remains
of what once was
and all those saying
"he is in a better place"
have absolutely no proof of their statement
and neither did he,
all he knew was
that no matter what awaited him in the afterlife,
it could be no worse than the life he was living right now
it was not an accident
he did not fall,
he jumped
he chose to die
he chose to die this way
because the pain of death
& the pain of the dead
was nothing in comparison to the pain of life & the living
because it was easier
to hang himself from the hook on the ceiling
than to wake up the next morning
and look at himself in the mirror
he could not run from life
unless he was running towards death
so he chose
to win the race
first place
*once and for all
- our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-*** winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to-
[charles bukowski]

h, my prayers are with you.
there's no use in pretending
i just can't do it anymore
i can't hide what i'm feeling
i'm ending this war

there's no way to save me
i'm falling fast
everything that i thought i could be
well it just didn't last

no motivation and no light
nothing but heartache
it all ends tonight
there's nothing left to fake

there are so many people i'll let go
so many goodbyes
i've moved on, and they will too
there are no more tears to cry

to all my family
especially my dad
i'm so very sorry
i know you must be mad

there was nothing that you could do
it was all on me
i'm sorry for hurting you
in time you'll see

i tried everything i could
to stop the pain in me
it was too dark from where i stood
and i found i couldn't see

not everybody makes it through
this crazy thing called life
i wasn't as strong as any of you
there was just so much strife

i got a little lost inside myself
and started to enjoy the pain
i stopped wanting help
i've literally lost the game

if i had some advice to give
it would be this
learn to live
and learn to miss

because every dark and gloomy day
is so much worse alone
you lose the words to say
don't leave me on my own

when you shut everybody out
the darkness eats away at you
taking away all you once felt
leaving only blue

soon all that's left
is a shadow of who you once were
all you can do is hope you'll be missed
of this i'm sure

in the end
every day was the same
and i lost the will to mend
there was no end to pain

i've struggled so much
over the years
not one thing as such
causing never ending tears

i was addicted to cutting
watching my blood run
using a little sharp thing
to stop all the numb

i started to eat a lot less too
trying to lose a little weight
it wasn't obvious to you
all of my self-hate

i wanted so badly to run away
and start my life again
so i had to pray
that this wasn't a sin

i disappointed a lot of people
i led them astray
now i'm going to hell
i just can't stay

there's so much more
that i should write down
about how none of you saw
my lifeless body drown

i was a little mad
that you couldn't see
that all the happiness you had
couldn't be found in me

none of what's happened is your fault
you're not the ones to blame
if this story's to be told
i manifested my own pain.
this is an actual suicide not that i wrote. there was more to it, stanzas dedicated to specific people and all that. i had no idea it was a suicide not until i finished. it was the moment when i realized that i was a lot more depressed than i thought.
 Apr 2015 Monica Lara
authentic
I will swallow poison before I admit that I miss you
Though it is a woeful truth
I cannot bear to say it out loud
I think back on the time you once said you loved me but came to later find I was far too heavy to keep carrying in your pocket
I did not fit as well as I should have
I still do not understand the way you think
But I hope you think of me often
Remind yourself of our song we listened to on repeat
Ponder on the feeling of my fingers sliding into yours
Funny how easy it was for them to slide away
A light breeze could separate them
Lately I have been bending my fingers backwards until they break because I am slowly realizing I am incapable of holding on to things anyways
I swore I would still be standing by your side right about now but something happened somewhere along the way and I watched those plans disintegrate in the palm of these fragile hands
I will not admit that I miss you, though I dreadfully do
What I fear most however,
Is that you will wake up in the middle of the night missing me
And it will be far too late
 Apr 2015 Monica Lara
authentic
I wonder if he misses me
I know it sounds insane because she exists
But I wonder if at night he is somehow reminded of us
The way we lingered over one another
The sweet torture for both of us
The way we wrapped up like tying a knot at boy scouts
I wonder if he has rid the remnants of our love
Or if they are held holy to his left side
 Apr 2015 Monica Lara
authentic
When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
A light switch will go off in your chest
A firecracker, time bomb, grenade, explosion, beating of drums
Drop the ball in your throat, feel it sink down into your stomach
You will appear to be quiet on the outside
Your ribs will break one by one and shards are going to crumble into each other like buildings falling to the ground
You will have to hold yourself in your own arms
You will howl and collapse like a dying star and remember that he was the Earth and you will continue to heave even after your body can no longer produce salt water tears
You will remember things more vividly now
The way he looked at you when you were singing in the car
The way he pulled you in when you tried to move away
The grip of the handle as he opened the car door
The way his lips felt on your neck
You are going to remember the temperature of standing in the road, you are going to remember the embrace, you will remember looking up at him
You will remember it all as if it is a movie playing in your brain
You will remember how he slowly glanced at the world
You wonder if eye contact would ever break
When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
Tell him that you no longer wonder either
Tell him this even though you do
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