Let's talk about suicide.
Nasty word-
Isn't it?
So gross
But I feel it controlling me
And pushing the blood through my veins

We hate to talk about it
When it happens,
We speak of it only
Over cups of coffee
A muttered secret to a close friend
Words spilling out of our mouths like ****

So.
Gross.

So gross, in fact
That when I was twelve years old
And took the amount of pills I thought necessary to end a life
I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother to take me to the hospital
And instead lay awake
Terrified of what was going to happen
Until I went upstairs
Shoved a toothbrush down my throat
And spewed ***** that tasted of tylenol extra-strength
Of hopes gone and lost
Of secrets never to be told
Of a little girl scared of what was going to come next.

My mom never found out
Because it was

So.
Gross.

And even now
Years later
When I'm walking down a flight of stairs
Steep enough to snap a neck
I have to pause
And say to myself
"No, Diana. Not today.
You still have things to do."
And sometimes, it's really hard
Because I don't have anything left to do
I'm tired and sick and fat and useless
And I wish I wasn't here
I have no friends no family
Nothing left to speak of
Just a numb throbbing in my head

When it's really bad, I ask myself what would happen if I had died that day
The answer scares me.

So.
Gross.

Is that gross?
Yes, it's repulsive, I agree.
But you know what?
I lived. I'm still here, even if I don't want to be
And I still wake up and get dressed
I still cover my scars with jewelry and makeup
I still hold the pills in my hand
And stand at the stairs and say

"Not today, Diana.
You still have things to do."

i am sexually attracted to pencils.

You live in my head
Not under my bed

All of the things I didn't do
Manifests into you

Look into my hollow eyes
You will see a ghostly surprise

All and all
After fall
I should not feel a thing
At all

i was staring
at the mirror
but see no
reflection.

i tried searching
for it as if
it was some
lost kid.

then i realized
its no mirror,
its your eyes
who cannot
see me
because for you,

i dont exist.

Your as lively as a brick
And cold as ice.
Your clock no longer ticks,
For your time has run out.
Your  forced to wonder about
For all eternity,
But here you can find a friend in me.
I cannot take you above or below,
but here you shall stay.
You always are the same.
Never older, nor younger.
You never tire, nor hunger.
I can always find you in this place,
the place with the stones,
one stone in particular, lies what's left of you.
Your soul and bones.

I wish that I could fly
I wish that I could lie
I wish that I could cry
I wish that you would tell me why

I wish that we could dance
I wish we'd followed through the glance
I wish we would take the chance
I wish that we had romance

I wish that I could sing these words
From across the room
And as soon as you hear my voice
Your camera would focus and zoom

I also wish that you were the one
I really wish we could have fun
I really need to know if you're done
Do you know where I'm coming from?

Because this heartache is killing
And I'm not willing
To stay through a sitting
Of a show that I'll end up quitting

And one last thing

I wish I was alive
I wish we could survive
I wish you could revive
I wish I wasn't a ghost