Just one more cut
but I've been clean for 2 months
Just one more, you won't have to feel the pain any more
isn't life unbearable? Just one more cut, and you'll feel better
okay
once I start, I can't stop
more, more, more
I need more
all along my arms, my thighs, my shoulders
Deeper, I need to cut deeper, to make the relief last
I can't believe how pathetic I am, I never stay clean long
I guess that's why its called an addiction
I'm a hollow shell, and somehow this silver little blade fills me up with relief and happiness for at least a short little time.

I don't want to be something, I want to be someone*
I found that written in my bio book
To be someone
to matter
isn't that what everyone wants?
no one wants to be something
an object
used
sadly I never feel like a someone
I feel like a wall most of the time
I'm there, supporting
but no one talks to a wall
no one cares about a wall
people lean on walls
and walls protect people from outside forces
but no one protects the wall
That's why I'm the wall.
I'm there for support, but no one's there to support me.
I guess I really resonate with the quote above, I don't want to be an object
I don't want to be used, I want to be someone not something....
I wonder when I'll no longer be a wall
when I'll be a person
alive

hey you okay?
I'm fine
just dandy
no reason why I wouldn't be
are you sure?
no
Yeah, totally, I'm fine
you wouldn't care either way
your just curious, you can't help
I'm just tired
Okay, Just making sure, you know I'm here for you right?
no, your not, you can't be there at 4:21 am when I'm breaking down...
Oh yeah Totally, talk to you later okay?
Yeah of course, see ya!*
no one actually cares, they don't want to know, I'm tired thats true, but I'm the kind of tired that never goes away I'm the kind of tired that makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up, I'm the kind of tired that makes me numb. I'm an unfixable,  explosion of tired that should't even be alive

Panic!
Oh no, It's happened again
I can't do this!
I start shaking
I can't do this
My heart beats out of my chest
it hurts to breathe
I can't breathe
I can't do this!
Everyone is staring
my palms start sweating
I can't do this.
The teacher's talking
I can't hear her
She's speaking to me
What is she saying!
I can't
do this
I tttrry tto sppeaak
she wants me to share my project with the class
I still can't.
I start crying, how embarrassing
I try to speak again
But the tears won't stop coming
I want to hide
I want to leave
I want to die.
I
can't
do
this

life
lif
li
lie
lies

I can't focus
I can't think
I can't feel

I can't do this
I can't breathe.

Am I still alive?
I need to feel something.
I need to feel something.

silver to red
silver to red
If I need to feel, i'll do my magic trick and turn silver to red

I need to, they don't understand
they hid it, but my voices are chanting "silver to red, silver to red"
Now they are screaming, " You're pathetic, you loser, you can't do anything right."

I don't feel anything, I'm numb.
but words still hurt.
I'm sobbing, curled up in the corner begging "Stop!".

But they just keeps getting louder, screaming, drowning me out.
they wants me to suffer, but then again they are me.
It's all just in my head, but they are all still so real

They taunt, They yell, They keeps me up all night.
Reminds me of mistakes, failures, my flaws
They crushes my dreams ,one by one, "who'll love you, how are you going to become a doctor" the list goes on and on

So if I just get silver
if I can just do the magic once more
then maybe I'll get some relief.

I'm left here
waiting
wondering
hating
I'm suppose to be better
I'm suppose to be happy
but I'm not.

I don't blame you!
I don't blame you
I don't blame you...
Why can't you just understand, its nothing you did.
it's nothing you said.
It's nothing I can control.

They yell, they scream, they ****, they win...
They want me dead,  I can feel it in my bones
I'll lose, I'll always lose, and I'll never stop losing.