I'm looking at this blank paper
for at least half an hour
trying to put out
words
that i still haven't swallowed
but that won't come out
easily
as when i tried to speak with him
a few hours ago
and couldn't help
but yell at his
confused words
like an angry mother
who yells at her child
when they make mistakes
but you didn't
and now i'm staring at
this blank piece of
paper
trying to
apologize
for being stupid
and childish
like a kid
that makes mistakes over and over
and never stops
until they are left alone
in a room
grounded
lonely
mad
so they will think about
what they've done
and this blank piece of paper
feels like the corner
of a white room
and i'm locked up
and i can't speak
with you
because you're not here
to listen
to watch
to see me
crawling upon my own sharp words
and hurting myself
so i won't let them out again
so easily
anytime soon.

involuntary
necessary signals sent
heartbeats and breathing

don't text me.

when it's 4 in the morning and you're tossing and turning but you can't sleep because your heart aches for the place next to you to be filled with a warm body,
don't text me.

when you're downing shot after shot and the girl who's *** your free hand is grabbing sends you home with nothing more than a kiss and night of headache inducing regrets,
don't text me.

when you're scrolling through your photos and the light from your iphone blinds you from the picture of me wrapped up in your jacket with the sleeves too long and the shoulders too large that causes your chest to pound,
don't text me.

when your hand is holding hers and the realization hits you that it feels like lead instead of the softness you were accustomed to because that hand is not the same one that hugged you when you couldn't hold the world's weight anymore,
don't text me.

i won't answer.

“i’m ticklish. but don’t take that to heart.”

“okay.”

“i mean it, don’t remember it.”

“already forgotten.”

“glad we’re on the same page.”

“we’ve been on that page since we first met.”

-

i want to get so drunk that i can’t remember my own first name and my face starts to feel so numb that i forget where i am, what i’m doing, where i’m going, and who you are. but i’m too scared to lose control.

-

my best friend keeps a list of all of my bad decisions. i haven’t made a good one yet. she showed it to me today and i felt an overwhelming sadness for all of my could-have-beens.

-

i hate happy people because i’m so unbearably unhappy that seeing someone else happy makes me feel like there’s a forest fire spreading through my insides.

-

i think i’m lonely because i’m alone most of the time, but even when someone is holding my hand, i can’t seem to hold onto it in return.

-

i spend my days kissing frogs and dreaming of princes but i am a myriad of last first dates.

-

“i’ve been missing you a little lately."

-

you’ve become a void i’m trying to fill.