I felt pain
But I am at peace

My mind entertained doubts
But I feel clarity

I questioned my self
But I received an answer

I have a future

The struggle of now
The struggle of the past
And the insecurity of my mind

Weight that has no place on my shoulders

I will grow
I will love
I will be strong

I will unabashedly be me

When I was nine
I went to school
Enjoyed hurdle race
Laughed often
Yet to have goals
Love my family.

When I was nineteen
I stuggled in studies
Friendship dilemmas
Laughed lesser
Set to work on aims
Began to love life.

When I am twenty-nine
I have embraced life
And my own shortcomings
Smile more
Let life flow as it is
Love humanity.

When you ask me how I am doing
I will smile and say I am fine

Because I am
In that moment
In that place

You didn’t ask me how I am doing
Every night at 1 am
Alone in my room

Suffocated by the emptiness around me
Gasping for someone who is not there
At that moment I feel like someone is choking me
Even when I am breathing in plenty of oxygen
I am kept awake by the screaming
Of self doubt and uncertainty
Eyes plastered to my dark room
Searching for someone
But only finding disappointment

But you did not ask me that
So I smile and say I am fine

9/28/18

Dear Future Self in 2024;

Hey. You still alive? Well if you’re reading this then you’re alive. So congrats on making it this far. I know you have been going through alot over the past 6 years. I just wanted to see how you were doing.

As I’m writing this, I’m a 15 year old sophomore at Dowagiac, in choir, art and in honors. I’m about to join color guard. But I have some questions. You still dating Dakota? Possibly engaged? If you are planning our wedding, it must be in a barn. No exceptions. But are you graduated from Central Michigan for meteorology? Do we work at The Weather Channel or NWS? Got our stuff back from our dad? Martha still our best friend? Did you hurt yourself more? But please tell me we went to prom.

Well I hope you are doing well. And Dakota, if you are reading this with me, I’m glad we made it this far. I love you.
But don’t let others bring you down like I did before. Graduate, get married, have kids. But most of all, have a good and fun filled life. I wish you the most of luck.

Love
You from 2018

Lovely dream

Weird feelings

I never saw you face to face
I've only met you in my dreams

I saw your face so clearly

Freckles
a soft red blush
across your cheeks

I thought
you were real

So I reached foward

\

It's 6 AM
My alarm is ringing

/

I can't wait to see you again

soon

today.
you got married.

i recognise this
half-full
half-empty
yearning feeling

i used to get it all the time.
from your late night texts
what seems like
millions of years ago

an explosion of
emotions.
all in contrast

still
we always wished eachother
well
in the end.

today.
you got married.

now.
you are a married man.

Short showers
of warm
summer storms,

red flowers
painted on
gray sidewalk,

pastels that melt
and run away
in thin crimson
streams,

ivory keys,
soft melodies
growing
and flowing
slowly,

see me safely
to dreams
that elevate me.