Go ahead, saunter up and down the aisles
Run your finger down the shelves where I carefully placed all the fears I hold
But nowhere will you find that I fear walking this world in solitude
For I am a King inside the mansion of all my 206 bones

I am a shelter for myself
I seek only myself
I harbor love so passionate for myself, that I may burst like the death of a Star
I sometimes gift wrap the World and place it on a silver platter, just for me

But sometimes,
when the Universe trembles and the angels cry
I put my hands over my ears
because the quiet gets a little too loud
And when I sit on my throne and glance over my shoulder

Your absence,
I feel it a little too much

overcome with weakness and nausea,
I limp to my bed.
I rest my tired eyes,
and pray to god I wake up dead.
and light doesn't shine on any of my days
as I make my way through this foggy haze,
I try to look on the bright side of life
but all has been shadowed by clouds.
I didn't choose this life,
nobody did.
we were not told how hard it would get,
though I was just a kid.
I asked my mom why granny died,
why she gave up when pappy was gone.
and my mom gave me a very tight hug
and said that she just could not go on.
that's when I learned we could control our death
and god knows I tried a few times.
I was so tired of regret
I was so tired of goodbyes.
but here I am, to this day,
dragging my feet through life
but trust me, friend, this is better
than picking up that knife.

my body and thoughts are split into half right in the middle
there is a parallel cut right through my heart, splitting me into two

there is a part of me that wants to survive to see tomorrow,
and then a part of me that is so tired and just needs it to end; now

there is a part of me that wants to prove that recovery is possible,
and then a part of me that says maybe you won't be the one to prove it

there is a part of me that wants to write, and keep writing
and then a part of me that just wants to sleep and never wake up

there is a part of me that wants to get married, have kids and be happy
and then a part of me that says i would slit my wrists and my kids would be traumatized for life

there is a part of me that tries to convince me that tomorrow will be better

but how many times do you have to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better - before tomorrow is actually better?

i am two halves that contemplate between life and death,
and i am not sure i will ever be whole and choose only life;

make this stop.