it wasn’t that i didn’t know if i loved you,
i was just afraid you didn’t love me back.

I’m scared
but I have you

don’t be scared
darling you’ll always be enough

you whisper your love.
tonight you yelled it and our neighbors heard

I love you felt undefined but sincere
a confusion we both shared
maybe it was just I that was confused.

It’s the favorite sweater i never get to wear
i promise i’ll never take it off

She doesn't understand.

I'm not who she needs, I cannot save her.

my heart beats for her but her teary  skies poor down and like Neptune's storms' sweeps away my love for her.

It fills me with rage

Makes me feel cynical

Her eyes tremble and her ankles ache, I ice every part of her body and kiss her tears away

but there's not a remedy for aching of the heart.

I'll save you from the bad man next door, I'll save you from the monster under you bed, but darling I can not save you from yourself.

stop digging your nails into your chest, you can't carve your heart out without dying,

carve yourself out of your casket instead.

sing to me the reasons why your eyes search for my hatred and cry when they find it.

i've told you time and time again that my cloudburst is no match for your hurricane.

no, this most certainly does not mean wait for me to cut you up with knives

no, this does not mean pack your records and leave

it means stay-stay at your own risk.

no, this is not a love letter, nor is this a letter reminding you to pick up your scrunchies on the way out of my chest.

I am not on my knees, nor am I cutting ties,

but baby i'm still feeling cold.

stop pounding nails into your chest,

put them in mine instead.

but the questions kept coming.

do you love him?

do you love him?

and all of a sudden my eyes couldn't speak.

from one day to another i wasn't sure if my heart wanted to love you anymore.

I look at the boxes of letters I sent to you and the empty ones I kept just in case you missed me so much you had to write me back.

these boxes they haunt me, because they could have been full of the words you'd wished you'd spoken but never did.

but they stay empty till this day, proving once more that your love was nothing but artificial and that when you finished emptying out your boxes into mine there was no use for me anymore.

"this will not end in heart break" you said to me as you entered my soul and stole all that had meaning.

now I'm a wandering crow, soulless and hungry.

haven't you heard? when you feed a bird just once, they'll always come back for more.

and how much I miss you I cannot put into words
though your words are the ones I miss.
There are days that are easier without you
and days that I can feel my feeling going away.
I can feel myself fighting it--fighting the numbness
and nothingness.
It's hard.
I have to tell myself that I'm happy, to be happy.
I can't remember a time when I was truly genuinely happy.
when I was with you I thought I was happy, I forget what that feels like.
I wonder if you're happy, can u teach me how to be happy?
I don't think you can teach someone how to do something that comes naturally to you, right?
I don't feel anything when I think of you.
that's a lie.
I feel nothing with a hint of smiles.
it's a weird feeling and it makes me nauseous.
literally.
it makes me feel dizzy and it makes me throw up.
I still want to hold your hand.
I want to lay next to you forever.
I think of you and I think of nothing but genuine feeling.
whether it be pain or butterflies, I feel something.
i want to fade into you.
I know you don't read these anymore and it kind of makes me glad.
but it's not like I wouldn't've written this if I knew you were gonna see it. you know I don't care.
you know that for you I'm an open book.
nothing to hide.
the only lie I've ever told you is that I've never lied to you.
I lie to you every time we speak.
I don't tell you this.
I don't tell you how badly I want to run all the way to your arms and never let you go.
I don't tell you because I know that there are times where weeks can go by and you don't think of me.
I think it's strange.
I've never been able to go a whole hour without thinking of you.
I don't hate it, but I don't know how to make it go away.
I don't want to forget you the way you've forgotten me
but I want to let you go the way
you've let me go.

In between the dizziness and confusion my ailments calm me. I don't care how disturbing and unorthodox it sounds. My loneliness accompanies me everywhere I step foot.

You said I could stay in your heart forever, you said all these things and made so many promises that at the end of the day your words hold no meaning. That was when I was a child and you really believed you loved me. But mom and dad I can see the pain you feel when you lie to me and tell me you love me.

I'm lonely and I like it.

Wake up. Wake up.

Can't you see I am awake? Can't you see I am just trying to take in all of the cold?

I'm trying to accept that the vacant spot in my chest is something more than a heart malfunction—this is real and cannot be diagnosed.

Father will you stay today.

No, can't you see I have better things to do

like dance with strange women and drown myself in liquor?

No father, I cannot see because I am blinded by the scars and faint screams that cover my eyes, can't YOU see that I am no longer asking you to stay, I am telling you.

They say that the drowning comes to an end—what if I can't hold my breath anymore.

She pretends like she doesn't know.

But mom, how can you not know?

Can't you see that I am a flame in a cup of water?

Are your own problems consuming your soul? Too tired of the world to hold your daughter. Take pity on me woman! What if I fly off the tippy top of the stairs like a bird? Would you hug me then? Would you cry to your dying baby?

But woman look at me! I am in fact dying. My heart is shedding its protective layer and your words are puncturing it. Can't you see that when you lie and steal my innocence it kills me?

My body is weak. I can feel my heart giving up on me. Something my soul needs.

Maybe I was lying. I am more than these bones, I feel love and I feel alone. I don't want to feel alone. It doesn't accompany me, it punches at my soul and pulls my hair out.

And like the guest of honor, the feeling of overflowing emptiness bursts through the doors of this house and finds its way up to my room, my mom's room, and my dad's room.

We're in a full house together but we're all alone. And it may seem strange to want to be alone and to want attention all at the same time. But if you were me for just a day you would understand that it's nothing but a façade. We're all actually super happy can't you see?

My mother hits my father and makes him bleed but we're happy.

My father pokes himself with needles and cries on the floor of my room but we're happy.

Are you going to put the dog to sleep?

No are you?

No are you?

He put himself to sleep.

And in the end I realize that if I were God we'd all be dead because darling we all get what we deserve.