Anxiety
A ball of prickling fire tearing beneath my sternum.
Fear
A bolt of electric ripping through my veins.
Depression
A cloud so thick is suffocates my soul.
Anorexia
Starving the outside from within.
Bulimia
Inhaling the world and purging it back.
Failure
Being crushed by society for all of the above .....

And still wondering why oh why is it me???

Why?

A wave of grey
A surge of anxiety

What was I doing here
Do I recognised this place

A dark cocoon
A low rising mist
A location only I hold

The lonely, heavy pull
Was this life

Alone with  my mind
A dangerous predicament
A choice I have not made

Can you hear my screams
Or are they muffled like my mind  

I see no route ahead
The path is fading quickly

I hold the rail
Longing for direction

No one sees me
There's no one here

I look up at the world above
Will I one day be taken there!!?

I've had a journey to Hell
And back
Yet.. The journey has had many lessons along
The way
The people good/bad
The traumas endured
YET
I stand proud
Proud as a King
Standing high on his throne
Pleased that he has reigned through hardship
He has now become a warrior
A tooled and skilled individual
Knowing that he is stronger now
Wiser and more precious to life
He has battled through wars and won
The most prolific war was that from within
To discover the peace that has been hiding for so long!
Now my queens ... I take this crown to place on my head
Knowing that I have battled to this point
The demons are now at rest
I breathe deeply
The journey continues ... Yet it's now with the Sun
Not a black cloud drowning my soul
Peace will prevail and all will be well!

I've fought this fight to enjoy NOT to endure
The beauty of life ... Now my demons have gone.

This day is a celebration to all
I love you so
My life line and foundation
That I'd have crumbled without

My heart is yours as you have given me life ❤️

You make my heart race
You make my love embrace
I twirl inside when I'm in your space
You make my soul sing
My heart ring
When all is dark
You are that light that shows me the way
With thoughts of freedom and inner peace
You inspire me to achieve
To DREAM ...and to explore
The outer world that's seemed so far
A loving embrace... A little look
Your tears of joy ... Project the peace I've found
The optimist that you are
Inspires my soul to return to a world
Not containing this HELL
My life and soul will be free
And for that my friend
I owe you my words
That show my love
For all of your support and through times of hell!
I love you my friend
Together as one ... Against the demon that we're fighting ..... always from within!
Amen Sister ❤️

I'm rithing in my shell
It's expanding
Dropping
Exploding
In front of my eyes

I'm panicked
I'm scared
I'm huge beyond recognition

"Oh how well you look"
Such a difference
So much better now

Better
Better
By who's standards

I'm crawling in my skin
Too much skin
Too much fat
Tissue
Just too much me

I can't comprehend taking
Up this space for any longer
Reacting
Panic

Knowing I want more
Yet
Living trapped in this
Hugeness is killing
Me slowly ...

A single breath
A body so scarred
Internal torture
External pain

My body blesses me
The hell it's endured
My heart still beats
My mind still there

Battering it daily
Abusing its trust
Draining its energy
Hurts a must

My heart keeps beating
I'm not sure why

I owe it my everything
Until the day I die

Joined as one together
My body, myself & I

A dull ache
A familiar pull
Twisting guts

How many hours spent
With my head in a toilet
Straining till my eyes stream
My heart racing

This is the last time I say
Never again
Racked with guilt
Tears covering my swollen cheeks

Bulimia you say
"The one where you throw up"
Yeah it's just that ... Nothing else

No racing anxiety
Failing mind
Scared to see a reflection

Not caring if that
Little beating ***** continues
Praying for a helping hand

Why
Why
Why

Consumed by thoughts of food
Never allowed to rest
Keep moving
Never stop it says

Nothing is ever
EVER good enough
It tortures your every waking moment

Fat fat fat
It says
Everywhere
Greedy - ugly

Bulimia
"The one where you throw up"
If only that was just it ....

The day you discover

Your greatest fear
Was just a fear
And
Not  a reality...

A hole in the Pitt of my stomach
A churning whirl of Anxiety
A constant need to DO
Do something
To fill that  hole

An overbearing drive
To conform to the norm
My mind a haze of fluttering fear

The wish upon wish
Of being able to rest
Able to lay my tired bones

Scared I will never BE
The person that I never was
The normal balanced pretty soul

Please someone piece me together
All the shattered pieces of my being
A lonely pile of broken thoughts

Will I ever be a whole
Or just a broken mass of cells?

The familiar buzz
Of chatter
The back and forth of stories and life
Comparisons
Knowledge
Experience

Where do I fit
Where is my place on earth
My inner purpose

Question and answers
Constantly analysing the drama
Reflecting on the what ifs

Do we have a slot made for us
Does life give us a ticket

The constant buzz
Where do I fit

I wish
Want
Need
Pray that...

I were brave as my friends
As fearless as my therapist

Have the power on my Consultant
The looks of Helena

A voice within me
Tells me to speak
The hurt that runs  through me
Shuts me up

I pray for intelligence
So so bad
The mind of a airhead
Damaged beyond death

I wish for acceptance
Just run of the mill
Nothing outrageous
Just one of would sure do

Accept who you are
You're not changing for sure
How ever much you try
You'll never prove more

You're in a field
Bursting with yellow
A caressing breeze
A heart so light

You were taken so soon
Our hearts just break

I know you're safe now
Among the yellow

The world has lost you
Yet heaven has gained
A buttercup so precious and unique

Brace yourself
This will be intense
The ride of your life
The biggest of events

Your heart will be broken
Your mind a mess
The rat race will break you
The media are the best

There're drugs to treat this
Legal or not
Grab a handful
Chase with a Gin

Enjoy the best bits
They'll be far and thin
The journey of life
Starts from within...

Sweet angels
Don't be afraid
I am here now
To soothe your souls

No more hurt
Worry or stress
Your saviour has arrived

Ill hold your body
When you can not
Ill nurture it back to health and intact

Hurt no more
The pain has gone
The emptiness will come
But I ill be there with a gun

Fight fight little one
I know you can
I'm by your side

This war WILL be won!

Skin
Fat
Lumps

Pulling at my bulges
Pinching my hips
******* in the old stomach
Breathing in

Never enough
Never enough

My body is letting me down
No
Wait

My mind is destroying me from with...

Sleep
A restful state of inner peace
An escape to a land of hope

Resting my head
Blocking the world
I drift into a haze of dreams and reality

Sleep saves me from the
Day on day
Life right now

Sleep is a saviour
With it comes quiet, peaceful
Stillness

A stillness that that I want for eternity.

Please hold my hand
For I am scared
I have no means to
Fight this fight

Please hold my hand
Don't let me go
Hold me close
Create a shell

Hug me now
I need your touch
My life is scaring me
I have lost my way

A single kiss
A gentle touch
A strong embrace
A stroke or brush

I need you now
More than you'll know
I'm running scared
No where to go

Please hold my hand
I'm. Just. So. Scared

Am I stuck
Ridged in stature
Alone

Wanting to dissect
The dark parts of my brain
Wishing that life would just
Change

Not knowing what is ahead
What has just happened
What is happening

Wondering
Wondering
I need a map
A scripture
A point to all of this

Hopeless dreams of a land far away
Grass so green it sooths my soul

Wanting
Wanting
Something .... Anything?

Pretence is a gift
Played so well
Always a game
Never to tell

I am this figure
Who no one knows
Hidden behind
Clothes and veils

Emerging in the darkness
Hiding I hide my face
Scared of the shadow
As it screams the truth

Alone in this world
Never known
Undiscovered to all around

My mind is a mystery
Even to me

My mind is my enemy
The power it holds
The inner darkness
That no one knows

I smile politely
I play the role
Nothing abnormal
Just a game

The mask is on
Glued so well
I question my sanity
But still live in hell

Always surrounded
But so alone
If only the was a pill
To numb this pain

I wonder if I'm broken
No hope for her
It's been so long
I question the blur

No one can see
The darkness within
The smiles are masking
A rage so grim

The confusion I have
About who I am
Tortures me daily
I never can win

The purging carries
A sense of calm
Forcing the food
To numb the din

My body is aching
My mind is cold
The reality of life
Hurts my heart

When will it end
When can I breathe
What am I holding
So tightly within

Only can I release this beast
Tearing my soul
Piece by piece

Food is my weapon
Again the fire
Soothing the flames
That rip through my mind

Burning so sharp
Do I even own
my heart

I need some peace
From this crazy life
That purges my thoughts
With every dart

Food is the bullet to my heart ...

MG