i sit and breathe
my capillaries & venules
scream-
seething and swelling
my heart becomes ensnared
torrents of adrenaline
drowning the roots
of this body, becoming
terrestrial
but i find quietude
again
in the experience of
i sit and breathe
the experience of my
body, existing

i sit and breathe
the world, becoming
shapeless
and i float
left to a whisper
scents of lobelia- soft
thoughts of you
like pressed flowers
between the pages of mind
beautifully preserved,
dead,
nonetheless

maybe you're outer space,
maybe you're the ocean,
all I know is that
I have an unquenchable thirst
to explore you to the endless.
maybe its because of your vastness,
maybe its your seemingly infinite depth,
but like space and the ocean
I can't help but hold my breath
the further I go into you.

I've reached a door after twenty-three years that I apparently can't walk into unless alone, as foolish as I always am.. I decided I'd never let go of my loved ones and lost that last piece of me behind that door and stayed here. Lost, confused as ****, loved but not like I should be loved, communicating when I don't even believe in the word or the magic of that action, but at least with my loved ones.. Eh?


Oh well, if any of you people are reading this behind the door, did I miss it? was it wrong that I quit it? I know it was a mistake, I knew it while I was walking the opposite direction from it as well. I said all the stupid things I'm supposed to say but only when it "felt right" well, nothing feels right. But at least I'm with my loved ones, yeah?


I lay in bed in mornings and for hours at midnight, I walk the roads to everything alone my heart can't stop feeling this sort of unbearable feeling and I think it's trying to tell me something that I still can't figure out or most probably in complete denial about, I eat the food I'm supposed to eat, I hydrate, I walk as much as I can, I stopped listening to blues and only listened to what made my heart race, I've watched my cat give birth to the most beautiful six kittens ever existed, I sit with my mother until she's out of talks, I take long therapeutic baths and treat myself right.. from time to time.. but my heart is still feeling the same way, almost nothing but that feeling, and relates to nothing but that unbearable feeling.  So.. I decided I'd try and talk to my loved ones, my darlings, my whole life which is the reason I chose them over myself and it goes like this:
My sister, my guardian angel: "You should go have a full checkup."
My best friend: "Same"
My loved one: "..."
And I knock the door
Once
Twice
But I stand here alone
hours in the morning, hours at night
roaming all the roads
staring at every wall built
the sky, clouds and the sun
alone
but thinking about my loved ones

step into my shop of horrors
shack of nightmares not yet had
take in the aberrant, appalling aesthetic
i have dead sun flower
sundries that smell
of tangerine
i have the idol of
severed head and
exposed breast
i sell milk moon shell and
amethyst
incantations
ghost scrolls
student loans
buy my dreadful wares
and, please:

come again

my heart, a peach
softens
with each heart break
until it is too ripe
and it must be discarded
at least
i never
sealed it in a can
and kept it hard