i would like to say that i love you
but i am still not quite sure what love is
is it the way your stomach fills with air
and your tongue swells up to take the entire capacity of your mouth
and your legs go limp?

or is it when your heart aches so much that it
bursts out of its place and lands on your finger tips
then it stops beating and you lie in the sheets
waiting for something to happen?

or is it when every word that seeps
out of their mouth is like
sweet honey
that you crave so badly
and when they speak it overwhelms
all of your senses at once?

is it all of these things?
or could it be none of them at all?
i would really like an answer
i would really like to know
because i still dont quite understand it

and no one seems to understand it either

im not scared of death, at all. i dont broadcast that statement as much i used to because it always seems to put people off. like not being terrified of the inevitable makes me some kind of rare specimen.

im not scared of death, at all. i guess that makes people scared of me because i dont feel the same as them. i must be some kind of freak after all.

i get it
i really do
when you tell me that it feels like
your mind is playing tricks on your heart
fumbling around with the fragile little strings
ruining the perfect harmony of the puppet show inside your mind
tangling the strings
talking away their ability to act our their designated parts
but the show must go on

i get it
i really do
when you say that your lungs are distracted
they cant focus on their jobs and just let you breathe
they stop pumping air at random times
like you used to forget to turn off the stove sometimes
when you were cooking him dinner late at night
and the smoke would full up the whole kitchen and the fire alarm would blare
but you would just swat the broom at the fire alarm on your ceiling until it shut down
youve got to stop neglecting dinner

i get it
i really do
when you say that youre fed up with it all
and you hate the world almost as much as you hate yourself
theres no point in living when youve given up
theres no way to heal when youve
reached the point of no return

i get it
i really do
because im there right now too
and i havent found the answer yet
i know that neither have you
so let me hold your hand while you hold mine
and we can sit in piles of snow while we let the feelings fall out

we can do it every day
until we decide to get up and build a snowman
or make angels with our bodies

for right now we can sit
and remember that we have each other
you can live for me and i can live for you

just until we crack the puzzle of living for ourselves

i dont think that i will ever forgive you for what you did to me. or maybe i will never forgive myself for letting it happen. forgiveness is scarce here.

“i love you.”

sorry, wrong number.

i have good and bad days. its just that the bad days outnumber the good ones. and sometimes the bad days get really bad and i lose myself in my thoughts. sometimes the bad days get so bad that i can feel my heart aching and trying to burst out of my body. sometimes the bad days get so bad that i forget to treat myself like person and instead, beat myself with sledgehammers and hockey sticks. but sometimes the good days are so good that i skip around dancing and singing all day. i smile and laugh and forget the bad things and become this becon of light. i just shine and shine and infect everyone around me with all the pure happiness i project. sometimes the good days are just the day where i dont break down. sometimes i have good days and sometimes i have bad days. im hopeful that the good days will outnumber the bad ones, eventually.