People always say everything is temporary and thats what my happiness is like. you see my happiness and depression are polar opposites my depression looms over me like a storm while my happiness is like the little rays of sunlight that break through the storm every once in a while.
well you see i have compiled a list of things that qualify as “my happy”
My happy is when i can eat an entire ******* chocolate cake and not feel like a total fat *** afterwards
My happy is falling in love with a band or artist music and listening to them no stop for a entire ******* month.
My happy is finding a good anime and binge watching in a entire night
My happy Is finding a book and reading it within a day.
My happy is when you invite me over to your house to play with your cat.
My happy is a cup of tea in the morning

My happy is when I play pokemon
My happy is when im driving down the highway at 70 miles per hour with the window rolled down blasting  MCR
My happy  is when i can pull my self from the sheets of my bed that are weighing me down to go and take on the day.
My happy is when I chase the dragons smoke and it  engulfs my lungs with a hug like a relative who is visiting out of town.
My happy is the day i will wake up and the other side of my bed wont be empty reminding me that I’m always alone
My happy is when I down my pills that take away the pain.
My happy is when I am up in my glass castle in the sky where nothing can touch me or hurt me.

but you see the thing is its only temporary then I come crashing down like a angle that has just defied god.
as I lay in the shattered pieces of my castles memories of happiness reflect off the glass like movies that I can only watch but never truly live.
My happy is when I can go through the day without ever wondering whats the worst possible thing that could happen to me.

My happy is knowing that I made it this far.
See the thing is I saw my self not making it because I thought i was going to be in a body bag at the age of 15 with my wrist slit and have some ****** funeral service where people whispered lies over my casket like “i wish i got to know him better”

My happy is knowing that I will leave this town in five months time
My happy is knowing that I will never get to see your face again.
My happy is knowing that I will never have to deal with high school again.
My happy is knowing that I will someday find that permanent  happiness

So you were the lucky one that decided to waltzs into my life and take me by surprise with your honey suckle words and your  big coffee brown eyes.

See before we even get started with even the thoughts of creating a romantic relation ship there are some things you have to know about me first.

I will probably non stop text you because i want to know that you are still there on the other side of your cracked iphone screen.

I will always want to go on adventures outdoors wether it is sunny or raining.

Mostly likely I will steal you away in the middle of the night at 2 a.m to go for a drive while i show you my favorite songs.

I will steal all you t-shirts that you let me borrow and pretend that “I lost them” when really im secretly keeping them in my dresser so I have a little piece of you to comfort me.

I will also demand that whenever we feel like **** we go smoke some cigarets, eat some pancakes and drink ****** coffee at the local dennys.

I will always listen to you when you have to say something but will nod in approval when im not paying attention you.

I will mostly likely fall in love with a tv show character on the show that im currently watching and probably develop strong feelings for said fictional character that will send me into a downward spiral of emotion .

and I will probably love your dog or cat a little more than you.

but you see these are only me on my good days that I cant guarantee will last long.

Sometimes I wont respond to your text messages for days but I want you to know that its not because I mad at you.Its because I'm struggle pulling my self out of bed to reach for my phone on my night stand.

You will probably make some attempt and ask me whats wrong and I will tell you everything is fine im just tired.When in reality I’m waiting for you to look away so I can cry.

You will never see the true me because I’m to ******* scared to let anyone in to see my ugly side.

You will probably tell me encouraging and loving things like

"I love you to the moon and back"

"you are the peanut butter to my jelly"

"you are the mac to my cheese"

"you are the kiss to my hug"

"you are my whole world…"

But I can promise you this one thing,and its that I will be your downfall. I’m not your world I’m merely a star in the vast galaxy that is your being. I’m not the calm before the storm I am the ******* hurricane that will rush into your life and rip you up from your roots just to drop back down on the ground to lie in my wake.

I am just a moment in your life that you will enjoy but soon after its over dissipates like smoke off your menthol cigarettes. I will just become a ghost with a beating heart.

So if your still interested heres my number ———->***-***-xxxx

People always tell me that everything is temporary like how your friends in high school are only temporary till you go off to college. Well you see thats what my happiness is like. You see my happiness and depression are total opposites.when I’m happy I’m floating above the clouds care free like peter pan and my depression is like iv been tossed with rocks into the ocean sinking to the bottom and no matter how hard I try to swim to the surface i can never make it.

It binds me each morning to my bed cause it is so heavy that i can barely life the sheets and some days i cant make it out to go to school.See when this all began i just thought I was some weird 15 year old who was different or special but a part of me never felt comfortable in my skin. You see I thought i wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t perfect so i decided to carve my self into someone new. tearing away at the skin ripping away the old and sewing it back together to make my self into someone who was good enough.

At the age of 16 I made a friend her name was loneliness and she kept me company. Sometimes she speaks ,but she is not very audible. Her voice sometimes sounds like the floorboards in my house creaking. She wraps me up in her cold in brace comforting me and making me forget what warmth was like.She taught me how to build 100ft walls that were impenetrable so no one could get in to see the broken boy.

At the age of 17  when people asked me “what do you see yourself doing in 10 years time” and honestly I never even thought that I would make it past age 15. I saw my self with slit wrist in a body bag having some ****** funeral service where people all whisper lies over my dead body like” I wish I got to know him better”

Now at 18 with faded scars and distance memories I still struggle to pull my self out of bed but I have finally understood why the feeling of having that tattoo needle pressed up against my skin felt so good. I can finally see the future and its coming home war. Its just over the horizon I know because in it I’m alive.