~for Philip Larkin~

Soundless dark of wakeful night
panic thrills the heart
and chokes the mind
with dread of dying
of lying dead -
white marble stone dead -
passed
beyond self
to nothingness
and nowhere.

Just energy burst free,
blowback
to the godless Universe
body to ashes
atoms,
and nothing more.

© M.L.Emmett

There's so much u don't know about me still
Like did u know I wear reading glasses
Or that my parents both had the same last name even before they met
And I have a infatuation with tearing paper, and in my cupboard I have the largest collection of manually shredded paper imaginable
I've never really felt love
Or that once I fell asleep at the back of a bookstore for 4 hours
My mom tells me if she could do it again, she would abort me
And my father isn't even around to tell me what he thinks
But you're around
And I want you to know that I stayed up till 4 staring at the letter you gave me
And I still sleep with the lights on
And I bite my nails when I'm nervous
But I'm not nervous with you
And no, you don't know about the time I sang in the Christmas choir
Or that my favourite time of the day is early in the morning when it's not quite morning, but not quite night
But you could know
*And I would like to tell you

I allow myself the luxury, to stare unabashedly
Your eyes tantalise me, not crudely, but bewitchingly
Were I able to touch, the texture would be burnished brown velvet
Oh to explore this rapturous richness, warmth in abundance
Evermore curious I basque in the golden, autumnal flecks
Shimmering depths cast new dyes of invigoration
Beguiled, I thank you for a moment of beauty

We are of the ocean
salt water green, lime and seaweed
clinging and threaded, verily suspended
in the far off edges, ebbing unseen
steeped in luminous moons, impossibly colored
a darkness, plumbing ageless depths of sea
strung with opulent pearls, swallowed by fields of sand
a light discovered in the shoal shimmering lands.

You & me
     are entwined,
       a vine wrapped
    around your
rib; my spine,
your death
   does not sever it,
       I feel the pull
          at night in my
       bed where I
hang off your
every word,
    so much I have
      learnt to dread
        the cursed
   dawn; the way
it silences your
tongue, but this
   light is not for
       long, I wait
          out the day
     to hear your
twilight song

I want to be alone,
to sit between the
concave hollows of my bones,
nestle beneath folds of skin,
shut my eyes and
make the world go dim,
just me and a pulse,
a heartrate pumping blood
and when I open them
it's not the floodlit streets,
wars, fires or anger I see
but the trees and fields;
the peace i wear like a glove,
vowing not to take it off the
minute things get tough.

last night the world slipped in
quietly through my window;
police sirens, car alarms,
church bells, rainstorms
collecting in a pool
on my bedroom floor,
coffee cups clinked and
kettles boiled,
babies were born and
ashes were thrown
and though I was tired
I stayed up all night listening;
the collective madness
of the world
lulled me back to sleep
and i woke with its bitter
sweet taste on my tongue;
craving more.