looking down
she writes her poems
clears her throat
breathes the smoke

takes a sip
smiles away
and tries to find
the words to say

sitting in your open trunk
looking over the creek
she can still feel the passion
she felt in that first week

though everything has changed
it still seems
that she's never felt this way
a year has passed
and his heart smiles all the same

from first kiss
and handshake
and kayaks
on that first date
the laughing and love still remains

it rips my heart out
the thought of you leaving.

detatches
the trechea from my lungs
the stem of my brain

it scares the **** out of me

it's suicide
really,
cigarettes.

but the wistful
thin milky smoke
reminds me of peace
that I never feel anymore.

the drag
the heat
and I drag my lungs behind me on a gravel road
but the hit
I take
feels
safe

craving
to wrap my lips
around a death trap
an expensive
killer
beautiful
cigarette

This trust
Put in me
And put in others
Will corrupt her
And change the way
       she will be looked at
By her mother
The constant worry
And forever holding fear in her eyes
That she'll wake up and hear
"I wish I could die"
That she will wake up
And hear nothing
But the silence that will end her cries
And one night
       with a deathly quiet
That she'll wake up and find
Her blood all over the floor
Is it more
than what she had inside her before?
Was the pain so much
That she had to share it
That she had to wear it
And give it to her parents
And rumors spread around the town
Like a wildfire
And everyone prayed that her spirit
Lifted her higher
To a heaven
Where she could watch
The whole town perish
      and suicide spread
And tears shed in their beds,
Never had she realized before
That her choice
Would open up a door
For teens everywhere
Spreading blood on their floors
And they all joined in the angelic world
Thanks to that girl
That couldn't stand her life
As it ****** and swirled
Her through a roller coaster
As scary as Satan’s hell,
Everyone thought she was doing quite well...

When you grow up:

You realize that "love"
isn't mommy and daddy
kissing each other before work
Because they don't anymore.
And you fell in love
but the boy spit on your face
then slid down the slide.

You realize that a heart
isn't just a Valentine's Day card,
but it pumps blood through your body.
And it keeps you alive,
but lots of people die
because their hearts break.
And that boy
who pulls on your "heart strings"
isn't pulling on anything at all.
Because "heart strings"
are found in heart cavities
and he only wanted you to put out.


You learn
the concentration gradient from lungs to blood
is the reason you can breathe in oxygen
and breathe out carbon dioxide.
The pretty tan you get from the sun
is actually radiation poisoning your skin cells.
The contents of your abdomen,
and the functions of your organs.
The pH of your blood
and the buffers that help maintain
homeostasis.

Welcome to the world.

Growing up
Too often a regret
Too often synonymous
        With morose days
                And nostalgia at every corner.

I cannot sleep without my teddy bear
      It makes me feel like a protector
               It makes me feel protected
                       And loved
                                 And not so alone.

I will grow up in due time.

For now
       I feel a strength
               A warmth.

I am not a number.
I am more.
I'm a rhythm.
A clock, circadian,
A heart beat,
The music inside me.
I am a rhythm.

I am not a score.
I am more.
I'm a movement.
An individual, its
Like a non-religious transcendentalist,
A dancer, prancer,
An accidental fall.
I have a purpose.
I am a movement.

Who are you?
A number?
A score?
An A?
B?
C?
See?
Its not you, its how we were raised to be.

Thirteen years in a structured school
Teaching you only how to earn points
And memorize facts.

But I want to be smart.
An astrophysicist
An anthropologist
A pediatric psychologist

I want to own a home.
Lease a car.
Pay my bills.
Invest my money.

Where do I learn to do all that?

Look into your future,
Inside your dreams.
How do you get there?
How do you find
What seems
To be impossible?

Let me tell you,
Its possible.
Education
Filled with learning,
Filled with ACTUAL learning.
And motivation.
Its a structure,
But its home.
Its a routine,
Its a family.

Its in your head.
You create your setting.
The gloomiest day, with a smile on your face
And you've already become more.

When you want education,
You'll find it.
You'll find it with passionate teachers,
And summer camps,
And clubs
And sports
And, AP stats?

When you push yourself forward,
You'll feel pressure backwards,
But it won't drag you down,
If you don't let it.

It's a choice to make.
You'll be here anyways.

Its that day you walk across that stage
And find the smiles of your peers
And realize that although you're still here,
You're moving forward.

I know that I am more.
Than my 11th grade AP test score.
I know that I am more,
Than my homework,
Than my scars,
Than the number of marks
That are on my arms.
Than my rank,
My GPA,
Or any standardized test I took on a Saturday.
Than the number of hugs that I get when cry,
Or the number of graduates who will say good-bye.
Because at the end of the day
Or right here and right now
Or whatever cliche
I know I can say

I am more.

you open the door
while I'm falling into a sleepy haze
and I barely comprehend
who it is
lighting candles by my bed.

it's not until the very first kiss
that I smile
because I am finally able to overcome the sleep
and feel your presence.

knives, blades, lighters
lying in my drawer
and there's few reasons
to refrain.

thoughts and words
lying in my head
lying to my head
I don't refrain for me.

I just can't stand seeing my pain **** everyone else.

do you ever have those nights
when you look in the mirror
and your shoulders are too wide
and your stomach is too fat
and your ***** are shaped weird
and your face is too round
       and splotchy
and your hair is too damaged
       and too short

and you cant even tell anyone you feel like ****
because you know
              that nothing they say will be new.
youve heard it all before,
           and it wont change a single thing
                     about the way you feel in that moment?

I could lose you
and it scares me
but
it might also be a relief.

There are so many reasons to stay
so many reasons to go

I just want to know
you miss me

You say a million dollars
Like the lottery
Baby you are worth more
than the highest of jackpots
your arms are warm and they welcome me in
and I breathe in the priceless scent of your skin
and I say my day wasn't worth my time
because your lips couldn't seem to find mine.

But the eighty six thousand four hundred moments
are worthless seconds
not worth a day without you
so yes,
when I heard you were coming
I lit up like the sky
on the fourth of July

like my independence
has finally rung
and your hand running down my rib cage
was the signing of a declaration

and your voice was a song
rejoicing the holiday kneading words of freedom into my spine
with your fingertips
feeding me love with each sway of our hips
and I'll never let go of the feeling of your lips
on the top of my head
as you wish me off to bed

good night and sweet dreams
and I'll write again
soon
but I wish
You could stay

and we could just watch the moon

for hours and days
and watch all of the phases
and bask in the wonder
of the shadowy surface
and the lack of utter
emptiness

because your company fills me
completely
and everything
makes sense
when youre with me

like a crossword done in pen
correctly
nothing can erase
the nothings
whispered to me

the things you've made me see
the changes you've caused in me.

I used to never believe in change
but now I'm seeing things
turn strange

I'm suddenly making new wishes
At eleven past eleven
and my happiness is the one I’m working towards
because my happiness is yours

and your smile sends an arrow through my heart
Cupid did his best to aim,
while no robin hood could understand
how much an arrow through the chest
can feel like a mess

but my heart’s is your hands
youll protect it,
I know.

No, robin hood could never understand
No undead, or no ghost
Could ever feel a love
So much that it hurts

And no sweater keeps me warm
Like the ones that you’ve worn
Like the palm of your hand
On a cold rainy night

Like the pulse through your veins through my lips on your neck

It all comes down to the hope you bring

To the way you make me see
Everything will be okay.

I know you hate those words
But they fly around us all like birds
above our heads flying south,
Longing for the long days and sunrays
And leaving behind our lonely minds

And that’s when we forget
Everything will be okay.

I love to tell you that
I love the way my mouth
doesn’t catch my ******* complicated trap
When I try to get my words out.

With you, its easy
It flows right through your malleus incus and stapes
To your nerve
In your system
But my words don’t make me nervous,
They make you home.

They make you the smell of brownies after a long day of tears
A smile greeting you when you walk down carpeted stairs
And the heat of an embrace that extracts all your fears
And the one who reminds you
Everything will be okay.

Your voice
I want it.

your affections
your flirtations
all of your observations.

your voice
the soundtrack of my happiness  

your whispers
your confessions
your laughs
your mouth curled into a smile.

I got a princess bed
when I was four.
It has a canopy
I used to swing on the bars.
Since then, they've been bent.

The very first night you slept in my bed
You said
"here"
and you pushed up on those bars
and you fixed them

after 13 years
of broken
and bent
you came along.
you made it seem like
nothing was ever wrong.

why don't you smile?
a real smile.

why do you cry?
leaving me helpless.

Please
not tonight.
I just want to cry
and lay in your arms.

but I want you to miss me
so I will be someone I am not.

but only because I'm afraid
that you won't miss me
if I don't.
and you really won't miss me
if I cry.

what I miss is the days I could be myself fearlessly.

Your eyes are so tempting
And your mouth as well
The things I would do
Just to have an hour alone with you

An hour alone
with nothing but
Screaming
Shouting your name
How you betrayed me
How you betrayed everyone around you
How you're burning so many bridges
You have more torn down
Than you do still standing and shiny
Than you do to build
You've given up on me
on us
on all of us

Maybe you thought this
Would be a poem about love
and passion
and holding each other
It's not...

but truthfully
it is.

I understand you're hurt

But am I supposed to forget myself
And coddle you?

Am I supposed to forget what I want
And follow you?

I understand you're fragile

So how am I supposed to go against you
Without breaking our promise?

So how am I supposed to tell you no
And only have an apology to console you?

You're hurting and you're breaking,
But I'm torn.
And I am determined
To stay together for you.
I am determined
Not to tear myself apart any longer.

I won't forget myself
I can't forget what I want,
But I will coddle you
And follow you
While I do what is best for me.

I won't break our promise.

"I bring up your pimples
because it's cute how you try to hide them
and I like to push your buttons.

I wake up every day
and call you
beautiful, sweetheart, darling, cutie, boo
for a reason.

I'm texting you at this very moment for a reason.

I make you a part of every 11:11 wish for a reason.

I worry about what your parents think about me for a reason.

I love you for a reason.

You don't have to be
the prettiest ******* earth
for me to love you.
You just have to be mine
and put up with my **** sometimes

because that's what boyfriend and girlfriend do.

I want to marry you some day Madi.
Why wouldn't I want to see you in that dress,
with your hair done up,
holding your dad's arm,
crying as you hear the words
'you may now kiss the bride'"

I like when we squish together.
And your sleepy breaths crash
Like waves
Onto my cheek.
And your heavy hand
Rests perfectly into the curve of my hip.
And your chest rises and falls
Unpredictably and constantly.
And the whispers of your dreams
As I slip into my own,
Where I dream of a moment
Exactly like
This.

I spend far too much time
pondering
the saddest parts of life
harboring
the smallest of worries,
finding refuge in the fear.

I desire release
To another dream

the craving
the starving, craving
aching
urgency to be high
on your drug of *choice.

I used to be pretty

then I stopped starving myself

comfort
is a fortunate thing.
to feel safe
and supported

i am comfortable.
i am spoiled to the point
where i feel guilty.

i hear poems about white privilege
and i know
that i have it

but what can i do?

i have a family that cares
and friends that know what its like
to be torn apart
and im torn apart
because i feel guilty
for being comfortable.

i grew up in one of the richest counties in the country

im educated by young, innovative teachers

but there are children out there
that dont even have access to a roof.

i feel guilty.

i find myself wanting to make a difference.

how am i supposed to keep you happy
while telling the truth to them
and keeping them happy?

how am i supposed to feel good about myself
when im compromising my choices
for your happiness?

how am i supposed to be happy
when im trying to do everything right
for everyone else?

I am weak, (Fading disappearing.)
I create new marks. (Soon they will be gone)
As old scars vanish, (Forever)
Gone. (As if they never existed)

So what was the point?
What was it all for?
Why?

It made me
stronger.

I feel the weight of your love
Crashing over me
And the absence of your smile
In the heaviness of my heart

There's fifty thousand people surrounding me
Yet the emptiness of my entity
Won't stop ripping me apart

There's so many rooms
In this building
In this state
And there's so many places to go
But each place I walk into
Feels wrong
Uncertain
There's no place that I want to be.

I can see it now
The skin to skin contact
My knuckles gracefully tearing through thick layers of tension
Slicing a thin layer of fake smile above your lifted cheekbone.
Wouldn’t that feel great?

I don’t hate you though,
Do I?

How could I?

It’s because you hate me
And maybe I just can’t handle that.
*I don’t know how to.

I listen to love songs
And write poetry
Because that's how I find myself.

And I cuddle with my teddy bear
Because he makes me feel
Like I'm not always alone.

But I'm still in disbelief
That you can make me feel all of these things
With only a smile.

loneliness doesn't go away.
once you feel it,
it has been etched into your being.

distractions are safe,
and easy
and quick.
but the lonely girl inside
always prevails.

im sinking into this ocean
that ive seen before.

it would crash over me before
but now,
i just sink.
deep into the nothingness underneath.

100 years from now
No one will say your name.

75 years from now
No one will hold your hand.

50 years from now
No one will recognize your face.

20 years from now
No one will tell your story.

10 years from now
No one will remain unhaunted by your laugh.

5 years from now
No one will take down the pictures of you.

1 year from now
No one will be tearless at the anniversary.

So tonight
Don't take your life.

You could have a future.

Cities faintly floating
Just above the horizon
Fading slowly
A force
Dragging you backwards
Towards the lonely sea.

The sun peering around a cloudy sky,
Your shadow momentarily floating
Among opaque, white ocean spray
Flowing continuously,
Being devoured by the ravenous wake
Into the stomach of the darkness

Watching,
     expecting a magnificent show
Of dancing dophins and whales.
For miles,
Only the ominous black
And deep, dark blue
Of ocean waves
Surrounding you
Until you're feeling nothing
                but small.
Masked by
  dancing,
       bubbling,
            curling,
White.

Churning through the waves,
The foam showering onto your lap.
Wiping the spray
From your knee,
Scintillating on your fingertips,
Finally noticing
The clarity of the dusky sea.

Blood rushes to your head
And your face is turning red
And every word that you said

Has a double meaning
But no one can see it
And they sit in the seats

As you stand on the stage
Just performing a play
But it's real everyday
     and they just applaud
Say, "you act so **** well for your age"
And you reply “yeah I know”
But you're spitting with rage.

You stick to the script
And say thanks for coming out
And you cry on the inside
But don't make a sound
Because whenever you do
Whoever's around
Sees it as a show
You're trying to rehearse
And in each verse
Cries the pain
That you don't deserve,
But you land face first
At the bottom of the pit
And you cry, and you cry
Like the other kids did
When they saw you on stage
And they watched you perform
While you cried
While you screamed
You wish you'd never been born.
Only you know
That after the show
Was when the acting began
And when you really performed.

He blew me a sweet, good night kiss.

I clasped onto it
Mid air.

And suddenly
I felt as though
I could never let go.

Or maybe,
I would never let go.

I'm holding it now,
Hand still clutching onto the remnants of his warmth...

         Your entity,
         In the palm of my hand.

I really miss the days
That I could rely
On anyone I met.

I really miss the days
I felt constrained
Because I could sense my place.

Ironic how I long
For sorrow-filled evenings.

Moronic how I long
For sorrow-filled evenings.

When it seems so clear
I've found my meaning.

Yet it's so unclear
If I've found my meaning.

he was the only reason
I was alive
and he knew it.

his love,
a ticking time bomb,
strapped to his chest.

I try my hardest
not to tie
my deadly self
around anyone else.

because when I detonated
I nearly brought everyone around me down too.

I'm ashamed
of the weight I put on your shoulders,
of the life I put in your hands.

I'm sorry you loved me.
I'm glad you escaped,
and we both made it out alive.

its easy to forget
I'm only almost seventeen
I feel so aged
so worn.

my thoughts are safe
no where
except inside my head

when I write it
when I speak it
someone will always hear.

no one wants to know my thoughts.
no one wants to be in this head.

I'm so terrified
that you are my everything
that I'm just another girl, mad for you.

It's that anything
You'd give
For something
To feel

Pure silence in an empty room
Broken breathing in a crowded skull
In the death of a thought
Another is brought to life
Another is brought to life

Conversation in a crowded room
Broken breathing in a crowded skull
In a moment of weakness
Another is brought to life
Pride is sentenced to death

It's that anything
You'd give
To feel
Nothing

Reincarnated
To be sentenced to death
Reincarnated
Incapable of comprehending
The relentlessness of perfection.

kiss me
like you mean it
before you go
like you'll miss me
when I'm gone

I kiss you
like it will be our last
because I miss you when I go

I do not feel love for you

Long ago, I was consumed
by a diabolical
everlasting
flame
flaring out of control
I was defeated
like a house of sticks
blown away
by a wolf
Swept onto shore
like an abandoned
shell.

I do not feel love for you
I am love for you.
Your flames consume me
warm me
burning passionately
with everything I do
You rebuilt me
With our future
brick by brick
through the wind and rain
we built away
You collected my empty shell
You created something new
from my empty self.

sometimes
you make me seriously angry.
the way
you try and manipulate me.

I'm just not in the mood.

sometimes
I feel this hole in my chest
warning me
that I shouldn't be your friend.

But I can't find a reason
to leave.

I've already pushed everyone else away too.

this side of me hides
thankfully

if I didn't hide it from you,
you couldn't love me.

there's a scratch on my left wrist
and it stares at me
reminding me
heavily
of the clearing skin around it.

never
have I
ever
won a game of innocence.

I tried to **** myself.

I'll never get back
the days I spent
drinking
cutting
smoking
drowning in hopeless fear

and I'm only sixteen.

you showed me
what it would be like if I ended my life.

you showed me
heartbreak, when i visited that church.

you showed me
the selfishness that is suicide.

so why
is the idea
still embedded in my brain
like a tattoo ill always regret?

I’d like if we could start off in a little apartment
Empty
Only our skin and bones
To breathe in the dust
A project to fix
A mattress in the corner
Four lamps, 2 sinks.

looking down
she writes her poems
clears her throat
breathes the smoke

takes a sip
smiles away
and tries to find
the words to say

the ache of loneliness
isn't so bad
when you aren't
completely
alone.

but when you're trapped
in a world
alone...

but when you hide
so no one
else
feels hurt...

when
your pain
could tear apart
someone you love...

but when it all
rests
on
your
shoulders...

"I tried to die"
Just doesn't sound right

Just doesn't do anything justice.

I collapsed
I disintegrated
Into myself
Onto a floor

Knowing now,
It wouldn't have been fatal.

Feeling like a fraud
Because I would have failed anyways.