muteD

muteD Aug 2019

I secluded me.
Bolted the lock
and then tossed the key.
and then I looked at myself and asked
‘Why am I so lonely?’
I keep asking why.
but
wasn’t it my own doing?
why did I cut ties?
why did I disappear from peoples lives..?
and the truth is:
I was preparing to die.
but now
I am alive..
Alive and alone
living a life I’d rather disown.
who would want this life filled w dread?
I wish was dead.
So I wouldn’t have to suffer
from things in my head
and the things in my chest.
I confess
that maybe
I am a mess
and maybe
someone should throw me away.

‘Who can you count on?’
My shadow.
It never leaves me
without a doubt
It follows me.
When I die,
It dies with me.
it’s just me and my shadow,
unfortunately.

Jun 2019

blackbiird

isolation

I searched for happiness
in a dark closet with the door closed.

#depressed #lonely #isolation

muteD May 2019

my alone

my alone
feels so
lonely.

like i am a leaf
and I’m just floating.
unable to grasp onto anything.
unable to hold on.
without an anchor,
I just continue to rise
like bread does if you leave it out
for some time.
but what’s different this time
is my mind.
I keep on rising
and a little part of me keeps on dying.

and all I keep thinking is

it’s lonely up here.

Someone asked me to write a poem about loneliness.. with no guidelines, I tried to write something that she could relate to. But, I realize that the loneliness I’m feeling is different from what I’ve ever felt.. so writing about it, was actually kind of difficult

#alone #loneliness #lonely

muteD May 2019

I should.. I wish..

I should break every single finger of mine.
Starting with my pinky
and ending with my thumbs.
I should snap them like carrots
at every ******* knuckle.

“Why?”
why not?,
would be the simpler answer.

but in reality,
simplicity is really
unknown
to me.

I wish to feel a different pain.
Even if that means,
grabbing my scissors
and slicing each vein.

I should lay in the street.
Right in the middle.
and wait.
Maybe if I wear all black
I’d be unnoticed.
or I could be myself
cause she seems to be invisible anyway..
either way,
I wish this rain would stay.
that way if i was seen
laying in the middle of the street,
slowing and braking
wouldn’t even save me.

This is the first thing I’ve written in about a month. My depression won’t let me be happy, it just won’t let me feel anything worth feeling. I only feel anger.. and sadness.

#anger #depression #sadness #reality #pain

muteD May 2019

3/3/19 muteD pt 2

Sometimes I wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Which means I wish I didn’t talk
or converse.
I wish words didn’t fall from my lips
like a waterfall of
meaningless nothings.
Falling with swift abandon
and landing recklessly.
I just wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Being mute appears to be made for me.

My first poetry book is coming out next month!!

#mute #muted #mutedmuse

muteD Apr 2019

4/25/19

Suicide is murdering my kind.
Those who are just trying to live their lives
and survive
are being tried.
‘Death by suicide’
doesn’t even sound right.
Like they used to be kids with light
in their eyes.
A light that used to be bright.
Yet, now that light resembles the night.
Empty with echoes of cries.
Depression is taking our right
to live our life
and the drugs they prescribe at the time
do nothing but eat away at our mind.
and suicide?
it isn’t a lie.
My generation is losing time
brothers
best friends
and boyfriends
are losing their lives.
Parents are burying their child
all while
suicide continues to feast
on our sanity.
even if suicide doesn’t **** us,
it’ll wreck our society.

Dedicated to: Shawn Starr

#suicide #depression #lifetaken #shawnstarr #generationkiller #deathbysuicidd

muteD Apr 2019

4/25/19 Suicide Never Waits

Suicide never waits,
it just takes.
It takes and it rapes
and those closest to you?
they break.

It’s on a 2 week streak.
Go ahead and mark twice
on suicides line.
One survived and
the other...
died.
and me?
It’s just a matter of time
and all I want to know is why.
Why didn’t he get to finish his life?
Why was it his time?
Why?

I’d trade my life
for him to live a second time.
only because I know he tried.
He tried to mollify
that pain inside.
Yet I could still see that hurt
in his eyes.
and what did I do?
I stopped talking to him for some time.
I didn’t know his sadness would be his demise.
Maybe then I would’ve stayed and rode the ride.
Oh how I wish it was all a lie.
I just wish he’d pop up and make a status like
SURPRISE, I’M STILL ALIVE.

I really wish it was all a lie.

Dedicated to: Shawn Starr

#suicide #shawnstarr #suicideawareness #depression