Struggling to fold
My purple swan
You held my hands
Helped me to crease
I could feel
The corners
pressing my own heart
Into a piece of paper art
Brushing fingertips
Accidentally
As I turned to return
My breath caught
As your hand traveled
down, down, down
I asked my mother
Do you think it means
something?
No pressure
No expectation
I breathe
Just simply feeling
A magnetism
Pulling us towards
The dance floor
Red headphones
Two left feet for me
To be remedied
Days later with a simple lesson
Partnered up
Your laughter flirting with mine
Stealing moments, a smile
A wink, a kiss on the cheek
Not to worry, it’s just the way
A mere greeting
Maybe something more
Locked away, laughing, sneaking
Adrenaline rushing
Laced with tension and heat
Desire for a body against body
And to know more
Singing together
Cologne still on my cheek
Come what may,
I feel more alive in love
than ever before
and the gratitude
That rests inside my heart
Mirrors the smile
That I have now
Writing for this for you.

Tears in your eyes
As you tell the story
Of rocking me to sleep
Mozart
Bach
Brahms
Midnights in January
Fussy cries subdued
By the New York philharmonic
Or the Boston pops
Depending on the season
Late night shifts
Robert frost open
On your lap
Sharing stories
I couldn’t yet grasp
And yet now
Are ones that I carry inside
My heart
Take the road less traveled
It’s always there
Lying before me
Like the countless hours
And moments together
That I cannot even recall
My luck to have a father like you
Is greater than
A four leaf clover
A horseshoe overflowing
With daisies
A rabbits foot
I’m not sure what life I lived
But I’m glad in this one
You are dad.

Inside is loud
Inside is knitted
Outside is shining
Outside is confident
Outside oozes gold
and drips in perfume
inside is complicated
Chaotic, tired, pained
thinking in circles
giving attention to the now
And neglecting the burned
Holes in my jacket
Imperfect and proud
But it’s so loud
She has not taken time
To listen to her body
Her heart
Her spirit
She drifts in the oceans
Of what she should be
What she could be
Labels attached
Labels attacked.
Wishing to be free. Fully.
Like the dress I wore
The night I first kissed you

She is naked
She is honest
But her honesty
Is getting her
Into trouble
Too honest
Too quick to judge
She is the main character
The villain
And the hero too
All together in a package
Wrapped up with a nice bow
And ribbon of azure
Thinking and twinkling
Hoping maybe
A call will be recognized
And she will be finally
In control

she
she has a mind
deeper than marianas trench
eyes bluer
than the vast texas skies
the pools of barton springs
the aquamarine stones
we stare at in a shop
that dares to dream
of our fingerprints on their doors
from years ago

her hair
is like flaxen silk
strands of sunlight
fresh picked sunflowers
veils of green tea
and bouquets of
roses and tulips and hydrangeas
permeate the air that wraps
around her delicate wrists
body like devils backbone
i drive on her thinking
of her
those distant memories
now a full reality
like the lips i now can kiss
not only in my dreams
but in the moment
of moments
here and now

photographs no longer hurt
but remind
of what was and what will be
promises wrapped
no longer in the guise of champagne or wine
but in sobriety, truth,
and the firm knowledge
that love knows no gender
no time, no place, no wrong
love conquers all
even the tender truths
of loves lost, battled, and won
over years of waiting
and searching for each other
in the eyes of other women
or men
or people
that never meet the same exact
proportions of laughter
of care, compassion, tenderness

she
she looks for the answers in me
and now, made of glass
i show her all
bare and naked to her
not hiding
unafraid to speak the words
that have always sat on my shoulders
whispering into my ears
lightly kissing on the collarbone
a touch so sensitive
and word so full of meaning
love

it means more to me now
than ever before
it feels like her
the sun
the moon
the eyes from across the room
the carress of cheek
the embrace at the gates
of the rest of our lives

she
she knows me
she loves me
she is everything to me
my forever muse
my forever love
mine
hers
ours

i wish i could have felt this way
for longer
i wish i could have freed myself
sooner.
this heart beat and skip
because i'm open and willing
to be who i am.
why did it take so long
to become myself?
the internal hatred and pain
blocking my fullest light --
i have finally cleared the
cobwebs and dark sheets
to reveal a kaleidoscope
of colors
a spectrum of light and love
i am who i am
and i will love who i love

because love always win.

i am bored of the same scenario
routine
cycle
of the cloned relationships i find
and seek
and devote my time into
continuing the patterns
of heart shaped bruises
on my chest and knuckles.
i feel as if i am outside of myself
looking down at my small frame
strong on the outside
but feeling weak on the inside.
i see myself, holding onto the cage
of this dream and desire to simply
be loved as i am
and not as i am wished to be
not by anyone
but just by me.
for the desires of a partner
are long gone
washed away by years of tumultuous
relationships and false promises,
that idea is jaded and lost
and replaced by the solid gold
concept of loving myself.
that pendant wrapped around my neck
choking me but also
somehow giving me the perspective
that loneliness is my freedom right now.
i wish to wake up to myself
and say,
"thank you for existing, me."

that will be the best day of my year

when you're not sad
is it because you're so blinded
by being so busy
and being so involved
that you cannot see what truly torments you?
are you so absorbed into others
that you forget yourself
and come to find that your heart
is actually bleeding badly?
what do you do with that
cover with more things
or alcohol or love or ***
or jesus christ?
what really solves it?
but solitude and time to feel
but how to gain that solitude
when you're never alone?

it is so
that i cannot run
from the thing i wish for
the most in this life
stability and love
from a person who cares
wholly, fully, in depth
why is it that i need this
treasured feeling so deeply?
and why is it that prior
to these days i am spending
that when i came close to
that feeling of love and forever
i ran away and with a knife in their backs?
is it fear that paralyzes me to my ends?
or is it the raw feelings of love
that scatter my emotions to the bitter
ends of hades itself?
it is undeniable that i desire love
and it is undeniable that i hope for finality
ease, comfort, passion, someone to hold me
when the seas are really rough
my golden era is approaching
i feel it in the tips of my fingers
i am hopeful.
i am grateful.
i am here.

for the past 8 months
i've been hating myself
for loving you like this
because you don't respect me
you never have, never will
you cheated
you cheated
you cheated
you were "curious"
you were "wondering
if i was the one"
you "wanted to be sure"
in truth, i couldn't see
the tearing down that was occurring
but now that i finally
said
"enough"
i'm sitting here empty
feeling less than enough.
you did a number on me
without me even realizing it
i've got bruises on my ego
on my soul now
who are you to have done this?
is this my karma, my choices
reflected back onto me?
i feel like a mirror of an old person
someone i used to be
battered and broken
when i should be walking on
golden fields of lavender and
smelling sweet kisses of self loving
breezes.
i needed this. i needed to feel this.
for now, somehow
i will truly

accept the love i think i deserve.

i have a vision in my head
of the person you will be
with your long, delicate fingers
and with your love of the sea

i see you in my dreams
daisies sprouting round your feet
for wherever you walk,
there, always the stars meet

aligned in some fashion
the coat of orion bright
and your eyes sparkle gently
in the low, dim lights

i have a vision in my mind
of you, laying across my bed
your body an open book
just waiting to be read.

how i could kiss those lips
so thin and ripe with thought
how i could kiss that forehead
if only this love could be bought

from the store or down the street
i promise, anything i would give
just to have that vision in my head
come right to life and live

why is love so complex
why can't it be freeing
in the way i dream
in the way i see
for love shouldn't be so hard
and yet
i can never seem to get it right
it must be me
i must be the problem.
what is it about myself
that i hate so much that
i would be willing to destroy myself
disrespect myself and others
what is it...
blood under the fingernails
sour breath of death
i haven't the slightest clue
but i just want to be happy.
is that such a difficult thing to ask?

the simplicity and ease
of loving you
gives me the hope and courage
that our bond is true

for unlike before
you see right through me
and you break down those walls
crack my core at sea

my heart breaks open
like a crystallized quartz
blushed in the center
bruised at the edge

delicate hands,
you push my hair aside
your eyes, copper discs searching
for meaning,
for answers.
finding solace in the places
you never sought
and finally, some great reward
beckons you forward and you grip it
i, behind you, gently taking your arm
ready for the leaps and bounds
across mountains and seas
hoping, knowing, finally,
that you are the one for me.

there was a time
when all i needed
was to see your face
and that put me to rest
but now, it's like a faded
painting of some sky,
somewhere, with streaks
of light and a sunset so pure.

i remember sitting on the bank
of that small island with you
the ocean in our palms
and the promises of a future
wrapped around our fingers
how simple life seemed
for me, i thought of building
a home with you and a life
that would bring happy
christmases and merry times
with family and friends
everything seemed so right
so perfect, fitting together
like a perfect puzzle would.

but now, after a tumultuous
break and fiery words
and angry calls and lashes of the tongue
i look back and wonder,
where did it all go?

that seemingly beautiful and
simple life has simply vanished
and in its place, as far as love is concerned,
there has been nothing but heartache
and attempts to find someone
who matches me as well as you.

but the truth behind the veil
and the question i constantly seek
is: did you really match me as well as i thought?
or was it another attempt
in another part of my life
to recreate a love i never had
never saw
never experienced
never knew

the answer lies in my heart
and it is burned into the palms
of my hands as they wrap
around my next attempt
my next love
and hopefully the last

nature answers with wind
making a hush sound through
the leaves of yellow and green
and i make this sound too

as i lean into you, exhale
and you sigh into me, inhale
divinity and cosmic creation
within one single detail

that detail being your existence
something so great but seemingly small
the world, so large and so many souls
but your heart and soul standing tall.

your eyes hold such degrees of pain
searing burns, deep cuts, wounds of old
and yet, they also comment on love
true, deep, bronze, and gold.

i wish you could see what i see
behind your smile, and dimples, so cute
i wish you could see what i see
inside of your heart, inside of you.

we all have our demons begging to return
we all have emptiness knocking on our door
we all have evil, we all are villains
and yet, we still stand at the shore

of another person's life, and love, and loss
and we allow our toes to sink in their sand
the water so deep before us, an ocean of emotion
we make a choice to go into the water or stay on the land.

my choice is to dive in, though the water is dark
i know not what is there, it's disarming
but knowing that you're with me in this
makes the journey not seem so alarming

the moments i spend with you,
i become more enraptured
the moments i learn with you,
i become more captured

you're the answer to the question
you're the fire in my heart
the coffee i need in the morning
you're part of the life i want to start

so will you join me in this crazy world
will you take my hand and run?
will you dance with me, make art with me
will you allow me to be your sun?

the choice is yours, it is not mine to make
but you, yes you --
can have this heart to break.

i want to scream at the top of the world
and proclaim to the people
that you are the one i love
but i sit at the base of the mountain
with my legs crossed over each other
breathing deeply into my lungs
patiently waiting for the trees to fall
around me and upon deafening ears.
you bring out something inside of me
that i don't believe i've ever felt before
and yet, this feeling is terrifying
for i fear its longevity and weight.
but there is a calmness in this chaos
for in the center of the storm is peace
and i find it quite nice to be sitting here
with you beside me as i calculate the stars
and how they aligned to get me here with you.
compassionate eyes rest on you and i give
my most vulnerable self to your open palms.
how much my open heart bleeds for your love
and yet, how much i want to wrap it up
and store it away for you to never see.

but you've had that key round your neck
and you unlocked me from the very start
my soul got outta the box,
the second you held my hand in the car
the second(s) you played your favorite song(s) for me
the second you opened your closets
and allowed those skeletons to scatter
the second you laid on me and fell asleep
with my hands in your hair
the second you looked at me with truth
and told me you loved me, really.
the second you held me all night long,
in a way that i've never been held before
the second you put on those cheap sunglasses
to hide your poker face
the second you let go of your fear
and let love take over
the seconds in between our silences
the seconds in between our kisses
the seconds in between our meetings
the seconds in between dumb jokes
and stupidity and reckless abandon
the seconds in between our competitive stares
the seconds in between one song and the next
the seconds of peeling back another layer
of who we truly are...

poindexter says: the greatest second of your life,
is the moment you fall in love
but i have a contrast and complex feeling about this
because we fall in love many times in our life
so rather, the greatest seconds of my life
are the ones i'm spending with you.
regardless of the fear i hold deep
there is something special about you
and something special about this --
i don't know what it is yet, but as I've learned
i don't need to know everything
and that is the greatest lesson of them all.

i'm made of iron
cast beautifully
each curve
marking the miles
i've run
each bruise
marking the fists
or cuts that mark
those words spoken
a statue, a goddess
hardened by years
of life gone awry.
but in honesty,
i live quite the
charmed life
lucky in most things
i do, with the exception
of love.
so, i wait patiently
for the moment
that my heart will
crack open to reveal
crystallized sweetness.
that will happen
the day that the
world stops turning
because of him.
for now,
i keep my walls up.

i write letters to you
in my head
of things i wished i had said
cursive font
blue ink, your favorite
penned swiftly
but also with care
how i wish you knew
what you've done
to my eternal mind
and the heart inside

you stood over me
last night.
i felt you in my room
watching
waiting, believing me
into existence
when i woke up,
at midnight
all the lights were still on
and i was holding myself
so tightly, that i thought
it was the embrace of someone else
and this sickness washed over me
and i waited, staring at the ceiling
looking for an answer
in the popcorn constellations.
i found nothing,
so i stood up and removed the lights
blew out the candles
and laid back down...
your hand brushed my face
ice against fire
and i felt you enter my heart
like an old friend, an old flame
and i allowed you in.
closing my eyes, i saw you
pressing yourself against me
where you've wanted to be all these years
but i cannot allow you to be there
i cannot allow you to feel my pulse
so i push you away and
gravity no longer exists
and you fall into the space
around my bed
nothing to tether you
nothing to hold
just empty
vastness.
a place where you belong.

[now that i'm sober
i take back what i said
i'm sitting with this love hangover]
and ****, it's hurting my head.
every time, i get drunk
on these feelings
wine, whining for you to let me in
i regret the moments that follow
where i wake up, my left eye
pounding so hard
from where it feels like a black eye should be
because that's what was there
before, you.
and **** it, to back peddle into a puddle
of rain and mud and blood
feels too much like these exercises i've done before
where i'm learning again and again
that i'm some kind of *****
who can't be trusted with my own mind
or heart, rather.
because my mind is solid, but
my heart is the issue, on my sleeve
constantly aching and working and feeling
looking to find that one
that has been in my mind for so long.
the ideal.
the idea.
but what is really missing here?
ah, I see it again.
I am.
I think I won't drink this poison anymore
and instead,
just relax into the life that I've needed to relax into.
I think I'll sit for once
and not stand up
because it has become too difficult
to stand in these heels.
I think I'll rest.
Quiet now, you restless soul.
bottle is on the floor,
let it roll.

it sits on my lips
waiting to spill out
marks of old books
on my heart, black.
ink on the page
remember what you said
before in that old store
in New Orleans

inside of me
the world sits,
center of my heart
fire and water
and earth and air
all elements
wrapped up in a cloth
of gold and azure
stars in my eyes
molecules of divinity
piecing me together
as i am reborn
as the goddess of fate
of life of death of all

"you're on fire
and you don't even know it"
god is a woman
and she is me
and i am her.

i was screaming
in my car the other day
right after i had an interview
for a job that could change my life

i was screaming
because i was ripping apart
this shroud
of falseness
and fear
of comfort that isn't real
of a life that has been
secretly empty for the past year
unknowingly killing myself
and yet deeply knowing.

realizing
how sacred and valuable i am
the universe sitting inside
waiting to be released
energy pent up
waiting to be set free

hateful i have been
unkind to myself
setting myself up for failure
by falling into the same traps
over
and
over
again
drowning myself, my heart, my spirit.
dead inside.
thinking about suicide
thinking about a world without me
my responsibilities done

but enough is enough.
i grip my own shoulders
shake myself
"hello!"
"wake up!"
"are you ok?!"

yes. here i am.
I'm ok.

I'm ok. Oh. I'm ok.

Reborn.

feeling
is challenging
when your day
is made up
of feeling
other people's feelings
when i get home
i can't even deeply
look inward
because my mind is
surrounded by
others.
but my apathetic heart
is now even more so
faded and grey
because i have lost something
deep within me
that lit a fire under me
what is it
when did it go missing
i know the answer
but am afraid to say
for all i have are my words
and i shan't waste them.

i’m used to this
being cast aside
for another.
so don’t fret,
darling.
i’ll be fine
as i always am.
you’ll be another
scar on top
of another scar
which seals my heart.
and i’m sad because
i won’t tell you good morning
and i won’t write you
into my poetry
and because
i won’t kiss you
or touch you
or know you
any longer because
you are confused
or figuring it out
but i am sad.
i wish my eyes were half-shut again
where i couldn’t see
anything but you
but this is not the case now
for you are like leaves in the wind
falling gold in autumn.

i think i give up
loving.
i think i give up
trying.
i’ll be quiet now.
and maybe
for the next few years
to come.

reckless; [rekləs]
adjective
(of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action.

this is how i love
dangerously
recklessly
without fear
of our demise
or of our longevity

this is how i live
without thought
or care
or worry
truly in my core
i do worry
but truly in my core
i also do not.

this is how i drive
my car
speeding down the road
music so loud
my thoughts are drowned

this is how i sing
top of my lungs
air in my body
colors spouting forth from my lips
heavily and intently
pointed at you
hoping
that if i sing loud enough
the universe will hear my call
and bring you back
twist you into me
so that i can love you for just
a little longer
if you let me

this is how i breathe
without mind
but in mind
i think of your air
that you breathe
it is the same as mine.
clean
cool
refreshing
shaping the inside of my lungs
with careful molecules
and bits of dust
giving oxygen
life

this is how i see
the moon in my sky
is the moon in yours
it is the same
one in the same
we stare at it together
and yet apart
without worry
without care
without consequence
we stare.
longing for it to love us back
reflecting ourselves
in its large light
i see myself
reflected
one in the sky,
one with the sky
and yet,
fading so fast
because the sun is coming.

reckless.
dangerous.
impulsive.
i sit on my own sleeve
heart out.
like a ******* idiot.
but i can't help it.
i can't help
but to indulge in this game
this dance
this music
this love
this life
this dream that is my reality.

i can't help
but to be
K(erra)T(he)R(eckless).

the definition of insanity
is to do the same thing
over and over again
but to expect different results.
so.
sit back.
don't do anything.
let it happen.
stop controlling.
let it go.
breathe.
think.
sleep.
dream.
for,
you are a sparrow
and if you love something
you must set it free
fly high,
I'll be patient.
Because I've never done this before
ignore,
relax,
let go.
for once,
I'm not going to be insane.
I'll simply step back
and watch it grow.

aching
shaking
from that addiction
so deep
needle in the vein
mental in the brain
you feel it,
creeping, crawling
under your skin
no escape from the feeling
of stupidity
or of ignorance.
blame, blame, blame
you play the game.
your nightmares
become your reality
is it because you think too much
or because
you feel too little?

to not have to be someone else
that is freedom
to have the ability to love
that is freedom
to honestly open myself
that is freedom
to tell you how it is
that is freedom
to give my all, even when I'm tired
that is freedom
to be honest with myself
that is freedom

to love you
that is freedom

to feel loved by you
that is freedom

to accept the love, I think
no, to accept the love I know
I deserve
THAT is freedom.

red wine
lips purple
menthol breath
with smokey gaze
heart out,
for me to see
vulnerable
open
terrified, white like a sheet
hoping your demons
won't scare me away.
but darling, it's gonna take a lot
to make me run
because never have i had
the sun
you, shining on my life
brilliant, radiant, light
full of spinning threads
straw into gold
like that old fairy tale we know
glittering, atoms within
your very core
I love them all,
like no one before.

You are poetry
and art in motion
the wheels of my mind
turn and turn
with the thoughts of you
beautiful moments
brushstrokes and prose
line upon line
and row upon row.
you move something
deep inside of me,
that hasn’t ever been moved
my heart made of some granite
or obisideon
and now, warm and flushed
because of your lips
and the way you wrap
your arms around me,
surround me
you found me
I will never let you go.

your soul is a chosen landscape
charmed by masqueraders
and revelers
dancing under the moonlight
in a minor key
with a certain sadness upon
their glimmering cheeks
stardust kissing those hands
that caress the side of your cheek
your mask, removed
bathed in some azure glow
eyes, bright and intensely
staring, beyond just yourself
but something deeper
and more meaningful than ever before.
to know you, without your mask
is like knowing why the moon
sits in the sky as she does
or why the birds fly
or how the water on the shore
pulls forward and backwards
bringing in and out creatures
and memories of past lovers.
there is something in us
buried, warm, alive
that speaks to me when I see you
it whispers to me in another language
that I cannot yet understand
impassioned voice
intently seeking my attention
so that I may look upon you
and fear nothing any longer.
a song, you are
the universe, inside of you.

In my ears, Music
I memorize
every note, phrase, word
and play it over and over
again in my head
followed with some picture
that helps me to remember
the next soaring melody
or simple pattern
I memorize music, the same way
I memorize the patterns of your
face and presence
I measure each facet
every shadow
every line
every phrase you inhale
and every note you exhale
lyrical is your voice
on the air, which seems to stall in our
intense conversation
and tense, but warm, moments
of stillness
where there is connection
between our
eyes
but no movement in our bodies
except maybe the pounding
of our own hearts
I do memorize you, like a song itself
wishing I could somehow
transcribe your very being
to paper and carry you
close to myself, or inside a book
of poetry.
I realize,
e.e cummings said it best;

I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere you go, I go my dear

and just like that song, I learned,
lord, who knows how long ago

You
are already somehow etched
within those lyrics
and are inscribed in my own memory.

For in my ears, Music
I memorize
and in my heart,
somehow,
You, as well.

I can taste it,
like a deep Cabernet
rounded in my mouth
like the words that circulate,
flirting some sense of destiny
between curled lips.

like the softness of skin
against skin
I can feel it.

there was a fall,
walking along blindly and then
suddenly
dropped into some warm space
of the universe
caught between deep contact of our eyes
and the pounding of the blood
I swear I could hear it in my head.

heart beating out of its cage
Protected, once
Freed, abruptly
A sparrow fluttering between
the horizon and what was
before
the barrier it had set for itself

It hopes,
this time is different.

should have screamed it
from the moment
i began to search
for the answers
to life's questions.

tried to find meaning
in the relationships
i formed
and therefore
sought meaning in
myself

but the gospel
the truth is
no one holds the key
to your heart
nor do they hold
the answers to your soul

the truth is
inside you all along
but you have to let go
to find it
so, if you love me, let me go.

*******
forever is a long time.
how can anyone
say forever and
really mean it.
i mean
jesus
*******
*******
that's a long time.
like
eternity?
phew.
****.
no way.
run.
running.
see ya.

I like to live in your memory.
I fall asleep sometimes
with you on my mind.
I try to imagine
what life would have been
had you been the center
of my whole world.
I try to imagine what life
could have been
had I been kinder,
more honest,
and more compassionate,
understanding.

I feel like there are so many
missed opportunities
so many songs I failed
to sing to you.
so many poems I failed
to share with you.
I feel like there are so many
so many moments
I would have loved
for you to share with me.
And yet, here we are.
Worlds apart.
in relationships.
committed to our own dreams
and lives that we never thought
would be before us.
funny how that works...
the unexpected is the epitome of life.

I like to live in specific memories
times of car rides, loud music
times of early mornings
coffee, beaches, cafes
I like to live in times of RuPaul's Drag Race in bed
and times of sleeping back to back
and times of holding one another
crying at the inevitable.
I like living in times of art museum walks
and dinners in Minneapolis
and too much wine by a fireplace
making a fool out of myself
being held under a blanket.
I like to live in times
where I could be enveloped by your fragrance
intoxicating then and upsetting for me now
I like living in times where we were friends
where we were more than friends
and then back to friends
and in this crazy cloud of confusion
before I made the choices to hurt you.
I miss our conversation
our friendship, our love both important.
so I live there often.
Hoping somehow something may change
but knowing that my dreaming is
just that.
But I'll live here for a while
in this hollowing memory of you.
and just
hope
i guess.

forever is such a long time
and such a useless word.
overused, rather.
god i hate it.

this pit
in my stomach i get.
i feel disturbed,
disgusted
confused
depressed
undone from inside out.

i want you
i want someone else
i want myself
i want no one
never
ending
cycle.

it's like i'm trapped in some kind of headspace
where i want to be good
but i'm just useless
and inherently bad.
i'm always the problem
never the solution
always the victim
never the victor
change is so hard to come by
in myself and in others
why do i think someone else will change
if i, myself, can't change at all?

your brain is capable of holding
memories
but
most brains are incapable
of holding precise
memories.

this lack of capacity
leads to false memories
being created
your brain fills in the gaps
based on past experience

especially in cases
of trauma

i've lived in a false memory
of you, my first love

and was awakened
when i finally read through
our traumatic messages
of 2014




i realized






after




all



these



years





I




was actually




the villain.

eyes open
light streaming in
through slits
in the blinds.
it is grey
but my body is warm.
i turn
towards your back
which is caramel
and softer than cashmere
olive oil and spice
maybe cedar bark
my fingertips across your shoulders
ivory and blush
against your canvas.
you breathe in, gently
breathe out, exhaling your dreams.
you turn
towards me now
your angular jaw
sinking into the pillow
with your copper beard
nuzzling into me.
eyebrows furrowed
eyelashes long and thick
two freckles i notice
one above your left eye
one below your right
your peaceful look filling my heart
with an incredible amount
of affection and love.
across your cheek, i touch
wanting so desperately
to know your hopes
dreams, wishes, fears
as you run in your mind
away from this room
where i lay with you.
this moment
these moments
i shall i love them
and you
forever.

i hope
to always be grateful
in everything i do.

there is a feeling
of tender bite
when you don't get your
way or what you might
have expected out of life.
but i hope
even with those failures
aplenty
i will remain humble
and loyal to my call
for compassion and
light in this life of mine.

i feel
the past six months have
changed my very face
even of everything i believe
and all i stand for.
my eyes blink differently
and my face is sharper
with more lines
from smiling and worry
even my eyes have sunk
deeper into my skull
making me look almost hollow
and yet some days i am almost
golden in color
depression stuck around my neck
like a loose noose.
anxiety making my fingertips
quiver and my lips bleed
from dreaming in the night
flashes of life that i left
life that will never be
and life that can be if only
i would set the world right.

most of all though
the change comes in
honesty and open heart
with the sun riding
on my shoulder
even in the deepest night
with that light,
i cannot be extinguished
and my hope for the world
will continue to blossom
into the very flowers
bluebells
that line the roadways
to my beautiful texas home.

yearning for that open sky
i close my eyes and
there is a vastness of blue
that consumes my very being
changing into white light
and freedom from my negative
strife and uncomfortable
disposition.
for no longer am i attached to this world.
i am a vessel
and this great and terrible beauty
that i am
becomes a figure of peace
and calmness in the center
of hell itself.

You and I
we will capture the sun
in our hands and feel
the starlight on our backs
bare to the moon and
smooth against the earth.

You and I
we will go into the
darkness of life
with our hands held tightly
like the knitted trees in the
most dense forests on earth.

You and I
we will see to the world
aiding in its development
of compassion as a living
breathing mechanism
this is our choice.

This is my choice.
To allow this love to consume
my very being and to shut
out those voices from everywhere
telling me what to do
and how to do it.
who to love.
who to hate.

This is my choice.
Un-wavered by the sounds of
all the world around me.
Like a pillar, I stand in
conviction that this love
is mine to cherish
and adore
and nourish.

Conviction is my choice.
You and I.
my choice as well.

The noise is everywhere --
but here in my permanent mind
I choose for it all to be quiet
and for it to just be
You and I.

Wine lips pressed together
the moment I realized your humanity
Behind that air of pride and smirk
someone I had so desperately
Sought to separate from
Has now become the one human
I cannot ever be separate from.

I looked at you. You looked at me.
Your pools of copper beckoning
And begging me to just try for once
something that was so seemingly easy
such a danger to my precious heart
For which I had built a concrete fortress.

But all at once, when you pulled me in
Against my own car, and kissed me
Gentler than the breeze
kisses the river during the Texas summers, it all washed away.
My fortress defeated by the simple
Red stained lips of the suitor who
Eventually lead me by the hand through my darkest moments of sheer terror and
Brutal pits of depressive states I never touched.
I envy those who lived without my scars but I can’t see my life without you to tend to them. Caressing even my thorniest passages of self defeat and depreciation.

I also do not envy those who live lives without the unforgettable touch that you leave with me, fingerprints on my very soul. Gentle and pressed in with some kind of magic understanding of my very aura. Something even 6,000 miles could not leave me blank. Changed by you.

I look back to those moments.
Pulling me in. Your look of adoration.
The power you put behind me.
Lights off, lights on. Daylight or evening.
Colliding again and again, creating some
Kind of unique friction that fuels the very stars.

How you so easily unlocked me. Unhinged me. Undid all that was laced, blackened from years of abuse and things even I have never spoken of to you...but you have healed them with your complex, sustaining, passionate, Love.
I can’t love or live without you.
You fuel the fire that powers my entire being
My muse. Something deeper than even I understand. I won’t give up ever again.
For now, I know what life is like without you;

Bleak. Empty wine bottles. Bruises from nights I don’t want to remember. Sunshine depleted from my center. Cascading, blackened blood from a knife held too close. Ghosts and skeletons. Reaching. To take me to a hell I never want to live in again.

But I’m coming home.
And home is where the heart is.
You’ve kept it for a long time now.
Safe.
Away from the people and things that would truly shatter it.
Your arms. My safety.