I like to live in your memory.
I fall asleep sometimes
with you on my mind.
I try to imagine
what life would have been
had you been the center
of my whole world.
I try to imagine what life
could have been
had I been kinder,
more honest,
and more compassionate,
understanding.

I feel like there are so many
missed opportunities
so many songs I failed
to sing to you.
so many poems I failed
to share with you.
I feel like there are so many
so many moments
I would have loved
for you to share with me.
And yet, here we are.
Worlds apart.
in relationships.
committed to our own dreams
and lives that we never thought
would be before us.
funny how that works...
the unexpected is the epitome of life.

I like to live in specific memories
times of car rides, loud music
times of early mornings
coffee, beaches, cafes
I like to live in times of RuPaul's Drag Race in bed
and times of sleeping back to back
and times of holding one another
crying at the inevitable.
I like living in times of art museum walks
and dinners in Minneapolis
and too much wine by a fireplace
making a fool out of myself
being held under a blanket.
I like to live in times
where I could be enveloped by your fragrance
intoxicating then and upsetting for me now
I like living in times where we were friends
where we were more than friends
and then back to friends
and in this crazy cloud of confusion
before I made the choices to hurt you.
I miss our conversation
our friendship, our love both important.
so I live there often.
Hoping somehow something may change
but knowing that my dreaming is
just that.
But I'll live here for a while
in this hollowing memory of you.
and just
hope
i guess.