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 Apr 2015 Louis Brown
AJ
Oh God
 Apr 2015 Louis Brown
AJ
I feel trapped and,
It's not yearning anymore.
Because a little bit of yearning is at least healthy.
It's just the hours,
That we have to face.
Before and after.
The ones that require effort.

And the songs that just break your heart.
My god who knew that he first three chords,
Could bring you back two years.
And completely rip out your insides.
I'm trying to force myself not to press play.

But oh my god,
To feel something passionate once again,
Even if it's sadness.
I feel free for a second.
But then I have the hours after to face,
Trapped.
The dogs were hungry,
I had to give them something,
I'm so sorry.
I sit here, brood
a twisted mood
think how
to forward move
how to undo
a tricky tightrope wobble
people pulling me
I cannot walk straight
need time to deflate
lose these traps
want to break free
of the need
want to find me
really love me
please go away
you cannot touch me
cannot know me
or go with me
cannot show me
anything I need
from you
I am the juice
the fire
the truth
the liar
you are reflecting
back to me
places I do not desire
I am feeling
dismayed
afraid
of the price
I've paid
now is the breakaway
the reckoning day
no plane
no train
no half insane
free to go
free to assail
derail myself
from you
far and
gone.
Cola and Crown
Cola and Crown
Burns coming up
But, smooth going down

Cola and Crown
Cola and Crown
Burns coming up
But, smooth gong down

Sitting at the tavern
Needed courage
Drank four shots
Downed them in six seconds
Now, I didn't feel so hot

Stumbled to the dance floor
Room was spinning
So was I
Four shots in just six seconds
Felt like I was gonna die

Waitress pushed on by me
Saw that I had paid my dues
Four shots in just six seconds
I threw up on her new shoes

Cola and Crown
Cola and Crown
Burns coming up
But, smooth going down

Cola and Crown
Cola and Crown
Burns coming up
But, smooth gong down

She screamed and i just wobbled
Then she socked me with her tray
She gave me four shots in six seconds
Now, on the floor I lay

From now on when I'm drinking
I'm drinking beer, no matter what
I've got two black eyes to show me
Four in six ain't that hot
I don't think I'll ever understand    
why I am the way I think I am    
or where this face came from    
the one I wear for everyone    
so full of joy and energy    
when did I learn to lie so well?    
I have always been a terrible liar    
but now, you believe everything    
or maybe you just don't want to    
see all the things wrong with me    
because I can't be selfish    
I won't take away from you    
just because I don't have it    
    
But no one ever sees    
the truth about me    
it's not in my eyes    
or on my lips    
no clues to be had    
just a smile when I'm there    
and a few tears when I'm here    
because while here is far away    
nothing could be further    
than the loneliness I feel    
having to watch you    
be happy    
    
And I'm happy for you    
and the life ahead of you    
but my jealousy is slipping    
someone is bound to catch on    
to this selfishness    
because it is selfish    
to want something like that    
to believe that I deserve    
such an amazing miracle    
after all the sin    
and hate    
and awful that I've been    
in this short life    

Terrible people don't deserve    
happy endings    
and I am a terrible person    
I hate    
I judge    
I have betrayed    
and I have wounded    
where no apology could salve    
no repentance can save    
such a terrible person as I    
for all the love given to me    
I still want more    
I want THAT love    
to be selfless for another    
a commitment of eternity    
hands and heartbeats    
a life lived together    
for each other    
a real love    
the only love    
I have never known.
You can't go back
it won't be the same
not because it's changed
but because you have.
Zoe was always a nymphic
creature
              God gifted prodigy  
When she was three
she already knew that
                                       above her ecliptics
                         jade eyes were shaped
  as a gift to see within her strange
Zephyr's soul
                  there were      
worlds unreachable
to mortals
                      indulging

unconscious dance moves
           she was performing
     a play  
finding her way through
piercing sounds of animality and natural wilderness

                            solely within her mind's eyes

           then    shut
deliberately
just to prove to the thick jungle
          to highly flowering sunflowers
that her head locomotions are fully perceptive

      her tiny hands touched the ground
glistening streams of her hair had been long(ing) to touch
her tiny bare heels in pace with every
bonvivant
little step forth
                     she had been taken
                                   O, Zoe you knew at three
                              
  That Zenith is the chosen point
                                           to open up
                                                     top portals
                                                                ­of deepest insight

                                                       Zoe - there is a moving star
                                                                ­      lit to praise
                                                        returning to innoccence
                                 Olympic 
            ­          sensible
               smiling
sweetheart

         intuitive little one

You could hear cracks and tremblings of every limb to limb
                                                   clashed
with dark humid soil and stones and crumbs on every ant trail
every black beetle's step there every futuristic peregreen wizzy wings
  
    Zing(ed)
 Apr 2015 Louis Brown
L
Scars
 Apr 2015 Louis Brown
L
"I want to see it."*
No.
It's ugly and it's a burdensome
and it shows weakness.
"Love, it's just a scar."
No.
It's unprepossessing and it's crooked
and it shows weakness.
"It doesn't. It shows strength."
...Yes.
It's healed and it's powerful
and it shows strength.
But I still don't like it

**
Leigh
 Apr 2015 Louis Brown
susan
taking a long drag
i lay back comfortably
exhaling
i watch the smoke rise
up
   up
     up
and dissipate
somewhere around the ceiling fan
but before the smoke alarm


it's nice being in cahoots with the universe
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