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ln May 2016
my sadness knows no love
my sadness knows no fear
my sadness knows no pain
my sadness knows no end
my sadness knows no happy endings
my sadness knows no sleep

my sadness knows lies
my sadness knows death
my sadness knows scars
my sadness knows eulogies
my sadness knows 2am voices
my sadness knows 4am shadows

my sadness - knows how to hit every Self-Destruct button and watch me disintegrate into a million and one pieces, and then hits the buttons again
; My sadness is just not an emotion, it is a person living inside of me
ln May 2016
when your body burnt to ashes-

I stopped believing that God was real
If He was real, why weren't my prayers answered
Why wasn't all my tears on New Years Eve accounted for
Why wasn't I even gifted enough to say goodbye one last time

I stopped believing love is real
It wasn't strong enough to keep you from leaving
It wasn't true enough to make you last one more night
Everything I had grown to love was built on a lie

when my friend fell into pieces-

I stopped believing that strength is real
If you could fight all the years of pain, why was this one any harder?
If he was tough as steel, why did the tears run down his face?
Everything I had grown to believe was built on a lie

I stopped believing in promises
You said you loved each other and then you both hated each other
You said I would get better and yet I find myself thinking of a million different ways I could take away all of this
Everything I had tried to put my faith in, was a lie

This life is nothing, and I am nothing.
I have nothing to lose and I give up.

*Death, you win.
ln Apr 2016
it is the attention i will beg for because silence scares me
the voices in my head are demons and they just won't leave me alone please don't leave me alone they won't leave me alone

it is the lack of trust i will have in you because every single thing i have grown to love, leaves
my mind is far too noisy and they scream in languages i do not understand
but it is not completely foreign, i know they are telling me to walk away

it is the time i will always demand for
because the dark scares me, it always has
learning to live in the dusty corners of your head does not teach you how to no longer be afraid,
it only teaches you to scream and jump every time there is a silent movement, a little tweak

it is the love i will keep questioning
i am so sorry my sadness loves me more than you will ever be able to
she gets jealous every time my attention is drawn to another being that she creeps me
she will wake me even in my deepest sleep to remind me that she, never leaves

it is the reassurance that i will constantly need
i know you were there the last 8 times i laid stone cold on the bathroom floor, not being able to move
but where were you the other one time i couldn't get out of bed

to love me is to love my depression
to love me is to love my scars
to love me is to watch me destroy myself over and over again but to stay
to love me is to hold me when i scream at you to leave me, it is not me it is my head it is not me it is my head it is not me
it is
my head
ln Mar 2016
First things first, I don't know if we still talk. I probably grew too busy and you probably did too. I don't know if I've seen your face in the last couple of months, and I don't know if I will in the next couple of years. I don't know if your curly hair still slaps the hair of the person standing behind you when you turn to speak to someone, and I don't know if your eyes still light up when you talk to now, someone else about the guy who ended up breaking your heart. I don't know if you can decide whether turquoise or aqua blue makes your skin tone stand out best, but I don't know if I can help you decide anymore.

I guess what all I want to say is thank you, although it will never be enough. Although it doesn't mean our paths will ever cross, again. I don't think I would be the person I am today without the countless arguments we've had, the numerous heart to heart sessions, the spontaneous food trips and the laughter. Oh, the great, great laughter.

I wouldn't have learnt to run if you didn't stand next to me and held my hand when I learnt to crawl away from every single person who broke my heart. I wouldn't have learnt to smile if you didn't stand opposite me making funny faces when I thought I was done. I wouldn't have learnt how to never give up if you didn't stay up with me convincing me I was worth much more than I had made myself believe. I wouldn't have learnt how to deal with death if you didn't pick me up when I fell face flat and screamed for you to not touch me.

I wouldn't have grown if you didn't tell me I needed to stop seeing the world from only two eyes, that there was a bigger picture with greater sufferings. I don't know if the way you cared for me has caused you pain or happiness, but in both cases do know that every second you spent on me is something I believe has moulded be into being the person I am today. So thank you, for your time. For your patience, for your kindness, for your love, for your sacrifices, for your presence at some point in my life.

I wish for you, the best in everything that you are, and everything that you strive to be. I pray you are blessed with nothing but the best and I hope you know, I care.

**Thank you.
ln Feb 2016
I am not feeling well does not just mean the temperature you see on that thermometer,
it also means my body and it's burning desire to no longer be alive
I am not feeling well does not just mean my head feels heavy and I want to sleep,
it also means my heart is sinking to my feet and i physically feel it in my veins
I am not feeling well does not just mean I need a painkiller to take away the pain,
it also means i am dying to reach for the blade and tear my skin apart to feel something
I am not feeling well does not just mean the food I ate is making me feel like throwing up,
it also means my entire existence makes me sick to the point of death
I am not feeling well does not just mean I will feel better after I take this nap,
it also means i will take nap after nap after nap after nap hoping to feel alive again
I am not feeling well does not just mean my joints hurt and I need to slow down
it also means my body is tired of fighting a losing battle and i give up

because some days,
i wear my depression and
some days,
*my depression wears me
ln Feb 2016
one minute she screamed for help
and the next she lay stone cold*

one minute she was hopeful
and the next she sounded barely sane

one minute she felt like she could grow wings
and the next she rested six feet under

she was chaos
her head a beautiful mess, her mind pieces of broken wine glasses
her lips whispering silent cries of i wish i didn't have to do this again
her tongue holding back twisted thoughts of revolvers & ropes

and still she wished she could fly

but all she really was,


death cloaked with a smile,
a smile so beautiful
*darling, you would've thought it was all in your head
she wasn't a beautiful mess, she was just a mess
ln Dec 2015
Each time I try, I fall
Each time I heal, I hurt
Each time I understand, I forget
Each time I love, I hope

The ones who are hardest to love-need it the most,
The ones you think are unbreakable- can't sleep at night,
The ones you look up to- regret every single thing they've said or done
The ones you think are happy- went through hell to get there
The ones you think are confident- can't bear to look at their scars on a mirror
The ones you think are strong- it took them their whole life to lay a foundation

The ones who are hardest to love- love them anyway, it will be worth it
The ones you think are unbreakable- hold them when they break, don't sympathize, just hold them
The ones you look up to- listen to their stories, listen to what they've learnt and pick them up
The ones you think are happy- don't judge their reasons to be happy, it is only temporary
The ones you think are confident- look harder, analyze only the long sleeved shirts and sweaters they wear
The ones you think are strong- put in bricks and let them grow taller, don't question, just grow with them

Don't destruct, just love

If you have nothing to lose anyway, how hard can it be to just

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