at 3 i am a girl
all I want is to grow up to be a princess
Hopefully with a Prince Charming and a castle

At 5 I got asked what my ambition was
Even then I wanted to be a princess
But not with a castle, I already knew it wasn't going to come true

At 7, I got asked what my ambition was
Then, I changed my mind
I wasn't going to be a princess, it was all in my head.

At 10, I decided I was going to become a doctor
I had watched my close kin bleed out to death in an operation theatre
And I wanted to be a doctor who saved every life that came knocking on my door

At 13, I was too caught in the middle of my friends problems
I spent my days healing broken hearts and listening to stories that I forgot that I had my own stories
Just no one to speak them out to

At 16, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
I was willing to take on the problems of the whole universe
And then I realized the weight was too much for me to bear

At 18, I want to be a person. I want to feel things
I don't want to store them in a box and throw the key away
I don't want to hold my tears back
I don't want to live for anyone around me
I want to live for myself
And there's nothing else I'd rather be because
No one does me better than me

they say empty vessels make the most noise
here i am, tearing my skin wide open
leaving myself right here in the hell we call earth
opening my heart just to be shot back down, again
here i lay, my body and mind empty
my heart blank, my limbs suffocating
my brain worn out and my fingers twitching
here i am, vulnerable and
empty

but here i am, not being able to make a sound
i open my mouth to speak but the words just won't come out
i am trying, i am trying
but my soul has shut down
i am silent
i am an empty vessel, a blank canvas
but i am not making the most noise, im not making any noise
just
because i don't  remember how to

it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the skyscrapers blink
i don't like it when they blink
it sends shock waves through my skin

it is dark tonight
occasionally the lights from the candles blink
i don't like it when they blink
it reminds me that i can no longer feel your skin

it is bright today
occasionally i look out the window to see birds chirp
i like it when they chirp
it reminds me that not everything is over

it is bright today occasionally i check my watch, ' drive faster ', i speak
i like it when the traffic lights turn green
it reminds me that we're one step closer to seeing you

it is dark today
occasionally the light from the dining flickers
i don't like it when it flickers
someone just fix it

it is dark today
occasionally the cars give way, like they knew how much i wanted to see you
someone, please let this be a dream

it is sunny today
i sit by the park and watch the kids playing
i like seeing them smile
it feels so genuine, like nothing was worrying them

it is sunny today
the phone rings and i know this is bad
i don't like the ringtone
please make it stop

it was cloudy that new years eve
i wanted to scream out loud
come back
come back

it still feels unreal
i still feel you around me
why do all the good people have to go

i see it every time i look at grandma's eyes
i see a little bit of you in her
i see the days you laughed hysterically
i see the days we had to repeat what we said, you were losing your hearing

i see the day we ran as fast as we could into the hospital
i see the day i had to leave when you asked me to stay one more night
i see the day i had you, but didn't realize it was going to be over soon


wherever you are
i hope you know that i love you,
and i love you so much to know that you're in a better place now,
just not enough to forgive you for leaving without saying goodbye

i miss you

You are more than the need for you to binge your food right after ingesting it
You are more than the opinion of that girl from high school who had everything done her way
You are more than the layers of cellulite you see on your thighs every time you look into the mirror
You are more than the chocolate cakes you avoided under than name of calories
You are more than the test you flunked after spending every Friday night revising
You are more than the tears that flow down your cheek after knowing you've let your parents down
You are more than the apologies that you're so used to hearing, that they have become as meaningless as the 'I love you's '
You are more than the job interview you didn't get through because you had far too many piercings
You are more than the stares you get for standing up for things everyone else is against
You are more than the pain of trying to be someone you are completely not for the sake of fitting it
You are more than the lips who speak ill of another to make yourself feel better about yourself
You are more than the thoughts that think of destructing everyone around you to be called a king in the kingdom inside your head
You are more than the lies that flew across the courtroom when you admitted to mistakes that weren't yours
You are more than every bad experience, every disappointment, every heartbreak, every single damage that has made you uncomfortable to be in your own skin


You, are everything you want to be
& everything you don't want to be.

If you find yourself struggling to study for a test at 4 am, remember I'd want you to be asleep because your health matters to me more than anything, even when I lecture you for a day or ground you for a week whenever you fail your tests

If you find yourself consoling your best friend who just lost her boyfriend, remember that I'd be your best friend if you were in her position

If you find yourself hurting so badly that you can't seem to put it into words, I want you to know that it's okay

If you find yourself questioning the existence of happiness, I will be here to remind you everyday of what it means, and teach you how to feel it

If you find yourself experiencing your first heartbreak and the pain is so excruciating you don't feel like saving yourself, trust me you want to save yourself

If you find yourself sitting on the edge of your bed unable to fall asleep, drowning in your tears; don't feel strange, I've been through it all too

If you find someone who takes no for an answer, you don't need the person in your life; no isn't an answer, you're better than that

If you find yourself staring in front of a mirror trying to stop hating the way you look, remember that I love you for who you are, not the way you look

If you find that not convincing enough, remember that those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter; I mean it

If you find yourself trying to stop eating to fit into a size 0 dress, I was ten times your size at your age & I didn't give a **** what people though of me

If you're too tired to make decisions, don't make them; you'll find yourself drowning in regret two days later

If you think it's okay to give up, let me remind you that it isn't

If you ever feel alone, know that I'll always be here for you,

the way I did when you were born
the way I did when you said your first word
the way I did when you knew too many words, enough to push me away
the way I did when you took your first steps,
the way I did when you knew how to run that you attempted to run away from home when you were diagnosed with depression

*the way I'll always be, even when you think you don't need me.

Violet was the color of her eyes when she spoke so fondly about the characters from her favorite novel
Red was the color of the blood dripping down her skin, the day the thorns pierced into them; while playing hide and seek in her favorite park
Blue was the color of her tranquility, her ability to not get angry at almost anything
Yellow was the color of her anger when she did lose her temper
White was the color of her personality, so pure it made the color itself look impure
And turquoise was the color of her heart, simply because it was her favorite color
Indigo was the side of her that gave, and gave; the side of her that never put herself before anyone or anything
Grey was the side of her that enjoyed sleeping in & having conversations in her head


If these colors were personalities, she would have been diagnosed with split personality disorder

But she isn't sick, she's just colorful

*She isn't sick, she's just colorful.

F for the fistfights I was asked to sit out of, because I was born with a different set of genitals
E for the equal rights I've been begging for, only to be let down time and over again
M for all the military applications that weren't even reviewed, because I seemed unfit for not having a pair of nuts
I for the inferno that you made me feel, fighting so hard to be a pilot that was obviously only ' a man's job '
N for the number of convictions the guy who ***** his girlfriend didn't have to face, because the way she dressed up showed that she "wanted"it
I for all the immoral stares that I couldn't counter back for the fear of your lawyers defending you saying it was a friendly one, for the fear of you blaming the shorts and crop top that I picked out for that lovely Sunday
S for all the standards that women themselves set for themselves, ***** standards; I'll do what I want and say what I want, I'll eat what and I want and dress the way that I feel like I need to, I'll wear bikinis that probably doesn't flatter my body and height but you know what? I don't give two flying f**ks
M for the mortals   that made it necessary for feminism to even exist