I hold my breath
with the last
of your words
forever
in my lungs

reciting your love
as if a chant
a comfort
for those of us
who find ourselves
lost
hoping my exhale
does not
break the spell

i've been trying to explain this
my whole life
and one day
i will finally find
the right words

i am not going to stay

i will always find a way to fly
always find a way

i am sunlight
but never the sun

i will never be something
you can hold
always finding a way
to let go

my roots need air
not earth

to be held above water
is to drown

something in my heart
tells me
i will never belong

to anyone

one day
i am a flower
and at night
i will close my petals
opening the next sunrise
to have my clocks
float away

i will always
grow in the meadow
wild
where i can live
and die
on the summer breeze

i am not going to stay
i will always
want to be free

You lot, you spend all your time thinking about dying.
Like you're going to get killed by eggs or beef or global
warming or asteroids, but you never take time to imagine
the impossible:

Maybe you survive.

The Ninth Doctor

i'd write you a thousand words
a hundred times a day
but i don't know how
and
i don't know what to say

"We meet again Little Bear..
not so brave today
are we"....



With one lumbering movement
it.. dragon .. steps forward
it's arm raised
ready to strike

swiftly i step out of it's path
and into the center of the room
where upon i realise
it's manipulation
and my mistake

dragon now blocks
and seals
my only exit

it's eyes find me again
tracking my every move
circling me
isolating me

i turn in time
keeping it in view
and i watch helplessly
as it stalks me

round and around


round and around

"I knew it would come to thisss...
just you and I"* it hisses

I hold my sword
and stand my ground

but the weight
makes my wrists tremble
my grip tightens
but my fingers are weak
and i cannot help but painfully
lower my weapon

it's eyes flit to my hands
and then instantly
back to watching me
it sees my struggle
and finds delight
in my weakness

"You are no match for me Little Bear
no match at all.."
dragon laughs wickedly

"You are not even fair game..
this is all too easy"
it scratches it's scraggy chin
with a long bony claw

"run for me Little Bear

run...

so i can catch you"
the words slaver from it's lips

"I won't run for you...
or from you"
but my voice trembles
betraying my words

"Oh...? but i think you will"
it's face grins wide
and it's tongue
licks it's teeth

It's eyes never leave mine
as it clicks it's fingers

and a child stumbles out
blind and bound
from the darkness behind.



part one
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1731376/brave-little-bear/

part two
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1733751/dragons-prey-part-2/

nothing is ethereal
there is no peace
tangible world
holding tight
to the bricks
of my life

and it's all terribly
terribly
real

you have no idea
how tightly
i hold on
i hold on
to everything
everything that keeps me
from running
staying
staying
is the hardest thing
to do
all i have to do
is let go
you have no idea
just how easy
that is
no idea
just how easy
it is
to just disappear
easy
so
very
easy
just
like
that
...
and
i'm
gone

The grinning dragon leers
with lascivious intent
it's all seeing eyes
take me in
from head
to toe
tasting me
grinding it's teeth
with just the sight of me
it wants to be fed

and in my trembling hands
i hold my sword
it lays heavy
pulling at my shoulders
but it's weight gives comfort
a credence
to the damage it will cause
to the salvation it will bring
a deathblow
with one strike
and the dragon's black heart
will be removed from it's chest
once and for all
of mankind

but it sees my fear
smells my vulnerability
as it licks at me
with it's black shining eyes
feeding from my disquiet

my back touches the door
the cold wood
is hard against my skin
but it keeps me standing

it was the last place
that he
my salvation
had touched
and still
that place
it burns through my back
giving courage
to my fearful heart

the dragon steps forward
towering
flames licking
from it's flared nostrils
moving silently
it approaches

"We meet again Little Bear..
not so brave today
are we"


part 1
http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1731376/brave-little-bear/

i sleep with the lights on
not because i am afraid of the dark
but because
what lingers in the dark
is afraid of the light

In a world made of
heavens
and hells  
he is the earth
Solid and life giving
Yet creating such
chaos
Even the stars
could not fathom.

and she placed her forehead
on the closed door
shutting her eyes
she wept
her palm flat against the wood
feeling the last place he had touched
wishing he could feel her fingers spread
through his back
into his ribs
taking her with him
and the room fell silent

in the back of her mind
she heard a dark smile
slowly opening her tired eyes
knowing now
what stood behind her

the sword he had given her
lay at her feet
too heavy to wield
weighing more
than her courage
but she very slowly
picked it up
scraping a line on the floor
and she heard him whisper
be brave little bear

turning, slowly, knowing,
with the weapon
heavy in her hands
held out before her
shaking with it's weight
her eyes traveled
from her feet
on the floor
to the 'smile'
of the grinning dragon

http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1733751/dragons-prey-part-2/

i wish i could bundle up
all of my happy
and all of my wishes

every single
tiny little
smile i ever had

tie it up with hugs
wrap it up in kisses
and send it to you

to make you feel
not sad

i wield a sword
fit for a warrior
to pry marrow from bone
bone from marrow

to discern truth
from lie
lie from truth

a breastplate
of pure gold
reflecting light

light enough to fight
enough light
to fight
for love

a fire to set ablaze
is held within my hand

to vanquish and defend
to burn back
reclaim
to cleanse

to bring home
those who are lost
so afraid
and so alone

my feet
shod in words of hope
to give
when darkness falls

as even the very wise
cannot see what lies
in wait
in these dark and tired days

my eyes
given the gift of sight
beyond the realms
of possibility

and a heart of pity
enough to feel
to win
to heal
broken and desolate
souls

but the greatest gift
was the shield of immortality
lovingly crafted
bowed
bestowed

and as age becomes age
and time falls into time

my path is set
in oath

his hoard becomes mine
to quest
alongside

wearing my shining
dragon scales

i have never met anyone like him before
he burns like the sun
but the moon illuminates
with his light
he is a drowning ocean
giving the shore it's bounty
he rains chaos
and yet
the flowers grow
he is the kind of heaven
that i would not
mind dying for

"Don't love with all
of your heart
love
with all of your soul" he said

i already know
i could do
nothing less

i always wondered
why i am here
and now
i am certain
i am here
because
you are

you see
the universe
created in all it's chaos
opened up
a moment
in time
where we could
both
be
found

now isn't that
something

it's very simple really
if you fill your life
with love
and shake it gently

it then allows the
peace
to settle

after all these years
i have found
love
hiding quietly
between
i and you

the truth is
we are all children
playing dress up
paying for our
futures
with plastic money
eating Playdoh
beliveing
it's chicken soup

hoping for it
to make us feel



*better

if only we would love  
with our eyes
closed
and our hearts
open

we would not see
the outer shell

we would simply
fall in love with
the soul
the spirit
the heart
before us

for the rest
eventually falls away

we would never know the stars existed if the night wasn't so dark

she was made of glass
and dandelions
pressed flowers
and sunlight
hair
soft as gossamer
and eyes
the morning dew
her mind
full of daydreams
wishes
hopes
and love
as she danced with air
stepping barefoot
through her solitude
wishing her bones
were not so fragile
and that her heart
would not beat
breaking spun sugar ribs
not made for this world
never to belong
her tissue skin tore
with each tide
every storm
ached her
inside out
but she remains
as her soul
was born of gold
her spirit
mithril
forged
in lakes of fire
so she remains
to love
where she does not belong

my naked morning
stretch
captured
within warm arms

my skin
cherished
in morning kisses

sleepy smiles
greet the sunshine

her skin
warm
fragrant

mine
soft  
delicate

his
steel
under velvet

his pleasures
become ours

seeking his need
hearing his want

soft lips
sharing
our morning love

gently waking
from his deep slumber
we devour
with helter skelter kisses

silken
warm
shamelessly given
is our feast

loving
breakfast
in bed
for three

1)  get a canvas

2)  get some unicorn paint

3)  paint a unicorn

4)  realize you can't paint a unicorn

5)  cry

6)  paint the moon

7)  put glitter and a horn on the moon

8)  pretend it's a fat unicorn

9)  be happy

10) show your dog

11) call the dog back into the room

12) show your dog again

13) get a new dog

14) show that dog

15) tell that dog it's being too critical

16) ask that dog to leave

17) put the picture in the bin

18) decide never to paint unicorns again

19) eat chocolate

20) decide to paint a dragon

so i went back into that room
and saw what i knew to still be there
covered in dust
blood
ash
and years of silence

not disturbing the scene
i closed my eyes to remember
the scent was still the same
death and fumes
and the quiet still deafened

but this is a necessary evil
i have to remember how to begin

and the floor still had my footprints
from years before
the blood, dried and dark
but they were mine
from where i last stood
in fear

i looked within the ashes
and found tiny footprints
the same as mine
all fleeing
toward me
and gathering around my own

and i saw where his led
out towards the door
wide steps that had paced and roared
black eyes
rolled over
like a sharks eyes
biting chunks from our souls
and i remember he called us ****
and he spat
he raged until he could not speak
spitting obscenities
clawing our soft baby skin

and we stood in silence
trying to remember
how to breathe

as he went
the door slammed so hard
the kitchen window cracked
we payed it no mind
but watched the door
holding hands and apron strings
holding our fingers to our lips
whispering
"please don't come back"

the sound of our silence
was the beginning
and now
i am in this room again
for myself this time
trying to to remember
how to begin once more

i take in the memory of that day
and again i lock it away
where it belongs
where it has lain dormant
for so many years

but now
now i add another
to the shelf alongside

this little memory box
burns my fingers
as i hold it
just this one time
as i put it in it's place

this one is made of teeth
and not bone
like the one before

it will be placed with the others
out if sight
and far out of reach
of my heart

i step out of the ashes
and leave behind
the tiny footprints
that had followed mine
out of this room
on that day

small, bloodied and wrecked
but still they followed
holding hands
and apron strings
following me
as i led them home

and this is how i remembered
how to begin
as i stepped from the room

i went to my children
with my heart in my hands

and in return
they gave me their love
to cushion my heart
they told me the things
i had forgotten

they told me how to begin
how to love

no matter the blood
no matter the ash
no matter the bone
no matter the teeth

i know i had forgotten
so many things
and they gave me in return
the thoughts that i had lost

upon their blessings
the hate in me cried out
as it was loved into submission

tiny feet led me by my apron strings
showing me how
i had once shown them
how to begin again

never has my heart ached
so much
as to see the nightmare unfold
i have shed the tears
only fit for a funeral
and when you are done
i will be here
i will paint colours today
as bright as the sky
more than rainbows
as big as the ******* moon
and dip my brush in my tears to clean
to rid my deep
of you
glitter will fill my room
and flowers bloom
i will play music
and shake the earth today
i will tear down every wall
to wipe you out
break every glass
and eat the shards
so i don't have the ******* taste of you
in my mouth
rip out my ******* veins
to purge your ******* venom
i don't know how to unfeel this hate
hate hurts
and bleeds on my hands
and everything i touch
will be tainted
but i won't have that
no ******* way
you've danced me in my life
long enough
*******
my meat suit never looked good on you anyway
you didn't even have the opposable thumbs
to do the buttons up
how do you process hate?
it ******* hurts
like a foreign body
wearing mine
again
an outpouring of grief
upon the ground
my heart aches
aches
i want to take it out

the moth man
is waiting
for the moment

to pin You
little moth

so delightful
is the light
so light
so bright

You can't
but help
battering yourself
silly

little moth

hide from his light
take flight
little moth

for the light
is night
and death
becomes

oh little moth
i beg
take flight

the moth man pins
whilst You flutter

pins while You shine

While You shine
so bright

he pins

he takes your light
little moth


just out
of sight

a real person took me to one side
and said
"look at your feet
firmly planted on the ground
see how my eyes
see yours
hear my voice"
looking away he said
"they are all just words
made into verse
pointing, he spoke softly
behind the screen
there is nothing that can harm
press the button
and they simply disappear
he gently brushed my hair
from my eyes
"there see
they are but wisps of cloud
halls of mirrors
where nothing is real
and it's reality...
an illusion
kissing me gently
he whispered
and the only dreams you need live in
are the real ones
*you share with me"

if the world would only but fall away
and i be left in the void
such need for silence such need for still
to be without
without even the ...
everything
of everything
or anything
but mostly ...
everything
i used all my spoons
and borrowed from tomorrow
and some from Friday too
too loud too hard too noise
too sound too feel too many
too hear too taste too sense
too full too open too wide
too much too much
too much
all i can do is close the door
and be glad
i can't get out

You can live a whole lifetime and still not gain wisdom.
For it is only gained through honing the skill of foresight.
A skill built by experience and knowledge,
empathy and compassion, love and patience.
The learned ability to think ahead.
To weigh and measure the future.
To then to act, with measured steps.
Correcting and re-correcting your path.
Wisdom gained gives one the ability to rise above,
to see over the head of that which would otherwise hinder your path.
One's choice is whether to use this gift for good or otherwise.
If one has honed and sharpened the gift of wisdom,
your steps will be that of one who is whole.
One who is whole cannot be easily broken.
And the radiance of ones wisdom, will touch the world around.
And your gift will help to surpass all doubt.
It will become a light for your path.

*Choose wisely where you tread, think well of your intentions.
Humble steps make a man mighty, use your wisdom wisely.

I awoke this morning
love laid me down by a river.
Drifting I turned on upstream
Bound for my forgiver.
In the giving of my eyes to see your face.
Sound did silence me
leaving no trace.
I beg to leave, to hear your wondrous stories.
Beg to hear your wondrous stories.

He spoke of lands not far
or lands they were in his mind.
Of fusion captured high
where reason captured his time.
In no time at all he took me to the gate.
In haste I quickly checked the time.
if I was late I had to leave to hear your wondrous stories.
Had to hear your wondrous stories.

Hearing
Hearing
Hearing your wondrous stories.
Hearing your wondrous stories.

It is no lie I can see deeply into the future.
Imagine everything
You're close
and were you there to stand
so cautiously at first and then so high.
As he spoke my spirit climbed into the sky.
I bid it to return
to hear your wondrous stories.
Return to hear your wondrous stories.

Hearing,
Hearing,
Hearing,
Hearing,
Hearing,
­
(twirl around the living room until you are dizzy)


Lyrics from wondrous stories - by Yes (going for the one album)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPdONfPts-4

As he packed his bags he told me that i must remember to go back to sleep when he's leaves.

He said that he bought some milk when he was at the shop last night, because he knew we were almost out.

He said don't forget to take your tablets after breakfast because it hurts my tummy to take them before.

He said have a lovely day at work and not to worry about him.

He took his guitar and said he was writing a new song that he would record and send to me. He knows how I love to listen to him play.

He hugged me tight as he walked out the door and said he would message me the moment he arrived, as he knows I would worry.

He said he has left me a few pounds just incase I needed anything.

He kissed my cheek and patted me on the head and we laughed as he walked away.

"I love you, see you soon" I said

"Have a quiet week with out me" he laughed.

But he didn't say I love you back.

He had already said it, in every thing that he had done and in every word he had said.

my prey eyed girl
you'll come to know
the times of end
no place to go

you'll run uphill
and over coals
the air that chokes
and lava scalds

when the hounds
from hell arise
the face of heaven
it's disguise

with bites upon
the softest skin
poison pulsed
and flows within

forever run
and don't look back
what lies behind
black maniac

just look for light
for all you can
the devil smiles
that heaven man

run to me
fly so far
take my word
your Savior

to heal the bite
the bitter sting
love only saves
peace conquering

pinions gate
placed under wing
your freedom song
forever sing

Hey Johnny where are you now?
You left, and never came back, just like you said you would.
And now i have heard that you died, my Darling.

You were always my Darling, and i was always your 'little bit of fluff'
And if what they say is true, i know you'd be ****** as all hell if you ended up in heaven, because hell was always more your style.

But i do hope, if you are in heaven, that it's a heaven made just for you.
I reckon they would have a jukebox that only played Kansas and the Eagles, beautiful women and had Stella and black on  tap.
Oh and a GPZ1100, with no speed limit..
And you know what i mean by that.. you little ****.
You'd be in heaven.. oh the irony

You were the first person i told that i like girls too.
I told you i love their softness, there beauty, their curves, their taste,
the way they taste like me, feel like me, are soft like me and that i had *** while watching a video on MTV with girls singing in the swimming pool.
You said you needed a minute to think about things...
for a very long time.. in the bathroom... on your own..

Your tattoos were beautiful, covering you from head to toe.
My favorite one was the pirate that your friend Pervy Pete did
while he was baked, it was meant to be Long John Silver, but it looked like your Nan.

You gave me my first snakebite and took me to my first gig.
Wembley... Metallica.. ****** out of my head..
Best night ever..
probably.

I taught you how to crochet and you let me paint your toenails..
only the once. And you taught me how to whistle with my fingers.
In the end you told me to shut the **** up, because any minute now a whole **** heard of sheep dogs are going to come running over the hill, and **** us both.

I held your spanners, sat on a crate and had fork oil, all over my summer dress. You said it was a good look on me and i told you that you were beautiful. You smelt of sweat and juniper oil and i could have *** from that smell alone.

Your eyes were the same brown as mine, you used to put your face so close to mine so i could see myself in your eyes. I only wish you could have seen yourself through mine.

If we had ever been together, i would have wanted to have saved you.
And i would have too.
But you didn't want to be saved.
I would have spent my whole life trying. You said you would have hated yourself, to have been the one to have killed me like that.

In my heart we will always be. I knew you loved me because, while i slept in your arms on the way back from the Bulldog Fest, you whispered it to me.

Good bye and sweet dreams my tattooed greasy biker.. my Darling.

I'm grateful you never found out about the life i had without you.
You would have killed him.

There's this crazy little word
floating all about
inside my fuzzy ol' head
and it's dooing that pitter patty pat thing
to my silly old heart

and it's awhispering sweetly
little puffs of breath
whispering all magical
to my pink and glitter heart

"Shhh now silly,
stop and listen.
look silly heart,
look inside and you'll see

you feel that pitter patty pat thing?
well, you know when that happens, you're a gonna
it's that crazy little thing that's ahappening to your heart
the thing that's made of always, the thing that's made of forever
you feels it dontcha?
the pitter patty pat thing?

well, i'm afraid i hafta tellya
that that floaty little word
that's messin with your fuzzy little head
and dooing that pitter patty patting on your silly old heart
*is called love"

Sort of xylophone trumpity music

"Space, the final front ear..
These are the voyages of the star ship Compromise,
it's five or six year mission: to explore strange new worlds
or just look at them from the safety of the Captain's bridge.
To seek out new life and new civilizations.. or not.
To boldly go where no man..
or woman or person or ummm.. cat .. has gone before..

que wirly singy music and twirl about the living room*

Or we could just stay at home, playing Pokemon go.. ?
either way i'm good.

I painted a new story
upon an untouched canvas

my own hands coloured
outside of the lines
and filled the walls
with a rainbow of colour

ridding me gladly
of the the fear,
the injustice

breaking the gibbet
from where i hung

giving me a salvation
from the spewing mass
of your bile

in simple water colours
my soul was healed

my heart reached out
and painted itself violet
wiping away my tears

while indigo
made me once more
complete

blue drowned your words
and they sunk
into the watery deep

green untied,
removing the shackles
and setting me free

yellow lifted my heart
filling it with the happiness
it so craved
giving an abundance
of peace

orange purged the venom
that was bitten into my skin
kissing the scar
that now marks your presence

and red

RED

Red was Glorious.

Red..
the scarlet fire burns
sears  
and refines

making me stronger
than i have ever been

and here i stand
offering you my light
for it to shine so brightly
that your steps
may never falter

may it give you comfort
in times of grief
and love
in times of loss

i send it as both
a wish
and a hope

for i feel deep
within my heart
all that you feel
in the very depths
of yours

i see your need
feel my love

may it lead you
through the bleak
of your darkness

may it
stay you
when all else
seems
lost

do you think you'll ever lay her to rest?
allow her to sleep?
she's stayed awake for months on end
and every time she tried to close her eyes
you shook her awake
again

telling just one more tale
one more tall story
one more lie
that we must all
simply listen to

listen to this little ditty
i'm sure you'll recall it
once i'm done
do you remember the time we...?
no.. not really..

without sleep
all she sees are hallucinations
disjointed recollections
of the tissue paper life
that blows..

in the breeze

did you know
sleep deprivation
is a form of torture?

and you have kept her up
long enough

and she's tired of being worn
like an overcoat
as your splendid outer garment
in all it's melancholy finery
passersby remark
on how well you wear her
and you have the audacity to say
'Oh this old thing'

she's wearing thin and eventually
she'll disappear
altogether

she's becoming threadbare in places
and no matter how tightly
you wrap yourself up in her
she won't keep you warm

but that's only because
you don't want her to get warm
or let her go to sleep
you just won't let her rest in peace
will you

They say it's the quiet ones
that are the real freaks
but i'm pretty normal
for me

and so..

if by freak they mean
living without regret
within the secrets i keep
and loving all
of the rainbow dreams
i dream
and indulging in
the delicious passions
i crave
and never saying sorry
for the weird ***
what's wrong with you?
does your mother know?
kind of life
i fully intend
to live
then yeah..
maybe they've got a point

and so..

by that reckoning..
i must be
the most unapologetic
and quietest freak
you're ever likely to meet

let me be free
to wander the starry skies
and to swim the fathomless deep

let me fly
feeling the heavens within my hair,
allowing my soul to be naked
soaking decadently
in the the ink of the nights sky

let me grow
with wanton abandon
breathing under water
tasting it's warm silk
luxuriating in it's depths

allow me to taste the earth
and the sun and the stars
let me fill my soul with it's wonder
making me whole

let me have the air that i need
and my ribs expand
let my hands be unshackled
as my blood flows with a rush

and i will belong
to you

holding me with only your eyes
i will remain
for all of my days
and be devoted
like a child that has found god
within their hands

Reading chapter two of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

Tis a bit ******* but fun and not at all in any seriousness.

https://soundcloud.com/rachael-435397529

you loved me like rain
forever falling

you cherished me
like the sun
as you watched me flourish
and then bloom
under your tender care

upon the gentle breeze
was your whispered devotion

and in that season
gathered
was a bountiful harvest
for where our love grew
will be forever autumn





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsCdlX-5UjE

This is for the father that does not consider to be a whole in his creations life.
This is for the mother who chooses to 'opt out' of being a giver of love to the fruit of her womb.
This is for the one who has chosen to be an absent parent..

This is for you...

WAKE. the. ****. UP!!

What are you doing?

What is wrong with you?

It seems to me you may not fully understand the ramifications that your chosen absence will play in the life of your child.

So I will spell it out it for you..

Your child, your gift, your delight, the one who was created from your very own dna, the one that you willingly gave life to and brought into this world...

will remember everything you have not done.

And they will carry this as a load upon their back for quite possibly most of their life.

Each will carry it differently, but carry the load they will. Some will carry it with forgiveness, some will carry with resolve, some will carry with the added weight of a heavy heart. Some will carry defiantly and will never truly forgive.

And no matter how they position the weight you give, by choosing to be absent, they will still carry that load...
because of you.

And you will continue to add weight to that load every day you choose to be absent from their life.

Each missed opportunity will be a pound of disappointment that your child will carry... for you.

Each broken promise will be a pebble.
Each late appointment will be a handful of sand.
Each missed birthday will be a tablespoon of gravel
to fill their pockets.

And every achievement they experience, that you have missed, will weigh upon their mind and their heart.

And because of this, throughout their life,
they will continually try to win your love.

You hear that...??
They will try. and. win. your. love...

Because... it is not given freely...
so they will try to win it.!!!
because, bottom line...
let's face it...

you're a selfish ****.

And because of your self centered behaviour, everything that they need, want and have to experience without you will be tainted with your chosen absence.

Every tear and heart break, every grazed knee, bad dream, smile, whisper, secret, colouring on the fridge door, every clay model, every needed word of advice, comfort, support and encouragement, every exam result, every moment of despair, loss, grief and first love...

each and every lost opportunity to say 'i miss you'
each and every unuttered 'i love you'
will be carefully, silently and invisibly weighed,
measured
and carried.

And i promise you this..
the weight you have placed upon them will be keenly felt  
when it is their time to fly.

This is not to say they will not fly, because they will,
and beautifully so..

And with wings that you did not help to fashion.

And, because of your chosen absence, your creation, your child, your very own delight will always carry the weight that you have placed upon them.

And the weight of your absence is so much heavier than you could possibly imagine.