at last, my love, you came to meet me!
at last, my stomach churns to greet thee.
so soon, you came, to lift my heart
(but deepen cupid's evil dart.)

how, now, my love, can you be with me,
through all god's tricks, which played you swiftly;
to whom, my heart, do i owe the pleasure?
but you, dear one, who came with leisure!

you were my first cigarette
so fast you burned, and sweet,
and made the spinning in my head
and sped my heart's slow beat.

when the last of you i'd breathed
and you and i were done
there were burns all over me
and an aching in my lungs.

feel the muscles tensing there
softly hear my praises sing
raise my pulse, and pull my hair--
my body is a loving thing.

touch my neck: its hairs will raise
feel my goosebumps spread;
if your lips on mine should graze
i shall never join the dead.

but to you i'm only skin
and all my tears are not enough
to baptize me from how you've sinned
and how you took advantage, love.

Hot as fire your tempers rage,
Cold, the song you sung
As you move and as you age
I hope from Hell your heart is sprung.

God hath had a gen’rous hand in giving
Lovely things and pretty tricks to thee.
Long as I, my dear, retain my living
I, your other eyes, may help you see:
Your manner is much sweeter than my measure
Like scooping seas in tablespoons away,
And counting far more glitt’ring golden treasure
Than I could ever spend to make you stay.
Suppose this is the pain that I must shoulder;
Imagine that I give until I die.
You told me I was good, said you were colder
And when I called you pretty, asked me, “Why?”
But if I write my love, you can't complain
So I shall give you verse this way again.

Stop to breathe.
Let each moment count,
Let every heartbeat shake you,
Spend your time in gardens of roses,
Coffee shops, rooms with fading books:
Spend moments chasing hours that
Will never return.
2. Love yourself.
You cannot pour from an empty glass;
You cannot give from an empty self.
Don't wait around for those who say,
"I'll love you when you're whole," or
"I can fix all of you that is broken."
Do not believe that you are broken.
3. Love your neighbors.
Not because any man commands it;
Love your neighbors because they are trying.
And so are you.
Like them, you cannot grow without love.
Like them, you are always able to give more love.
4. It's okay to leave when they hurt you.
It's okay to go, okay to withhold forgiveness.
Some wounds don't heal.
Your worth is not based upon how well you heal.
Time has a way of teaching you,
Giving, in pain, the lessons you must learn.
5. Repeat.
You are never done.
You are never too far gone.
You will be okay.
You will love again soon.

How could you feel sad, I wonder
With a crown of leaves upon your head?
And with fresh softness in your voice,
I wonder why you wish for death.

There you sit, perched carefully
With vine leaves in your hair
And linger with your touch, and grin
And when I stop to smile, stare.

Who is it that's hurting you,
I want to ask, but don't.
I'd like to give you happiness
If you'd let me, but you won't.

if i loved you dearly, then,
would you think to stray?
if i needed you again
could i make you stay?

and if i wanted you to see
my person, who i am,
would it pain you so to be
asked to give a ****?

if i loved, if i smiled
but still i wouldn't do,
if i'm not enough, my child,
what am i to you?

I cannot write you vengeful poetry;
No matter how I try, the point is moot.
If God would grant a loaded gun to me,
I doubt if I could ever point and shoot.


My heart has gone away, but it is fine
You need not hurt for me and need not mend
I’ve better things to do than sit and whine
And dare not bother you at this, the end


Now I may talk and sing of hearts denied,
And I may tilt my head and forward glare
Lord knows how I’d be laughing if you cried!
But would I be the cause? I wouldn’t dare!


No, I cannot write you vengeful verse;
This kindness is far greater than my curse.

i think you only loved me
when i was frail and broken.
am i no longer lovely
if all my hurt was spoken?

and if i bear no danger,
and give you no more hell
am i, to you, a stranger,
now that i'm fin'ly well?

i think you only loved me
because you thought me small.
i think you used to love me,
but now you never call.

You were kind and gave me kisses
And held my hand, and called me sweet,
But now your voice simply dismisses
My heart, now dirtied with defeat.

my hands are pale that clutch your sleeve;
my heart a bird, and nature pecks it.
i beg that you will never leave--
you take a bow and make your exit.

You were blessed with epigrams and sweetly dying sighs;
I was given silence and a thousand little lies.

I am young and moving on- "if looking liking move"-
And, if I find another one, he'll likely be like you.

If I chance to leave this bed,
I shall have my way.
You laugh at me and kiss my head;
Thus I dare to stay.

Oh, from a starving lady to a man,
This can't be more than just a little show!
Say then, what if there is some higher plan?
Don't say you'll love a girl who you don't know!
I cannot say your love is false or dull,
Nor can I ever say she's not a dame
But I can say my heart is twice as full
Of poems that are titled with your name.

So, if the words you say to her are true,
Then you go have your fun and I will stay--
Outside and all alone and without you,
My heart will sing those words you'll never say.
My love is thus-- My love is always so
That what is in your heart I'll never know.

i have not ever loved in this capacity.
if only it could mean something-
anything
to you.
two years ago, alone,
quiet and meek and afraid
i would not have known the difference,
whether you were to stay or go
or whether i were to stay or go

now, in passing, i see your once-kind eyes
as non-newtonian oceans,
and you do not fear tomorrow without me

but my love, i can not face my tomorrow without you.

I had sent your world a-turning,
Laughing as it twirled away
So I feel regrets now burning
"Please come back to me," I say.

I was so very almost
Clean of you
Until I picked up the phone
And in seven small digits
Threw all that in the gutter.

We're just kids
And this love is somehow invalidated by
Age and naïveté
But all this nothing
Is worth more than
So many somethings.

See you then.

By this time last year
I could work to forget you
And I did well except to think of your hurts and
Those little pains that seemed to ripple through your heart
And by this time last year, that was all.
I didn't have to prove to you these little split-ended loves and
Shallow hopes and
Careful kisses.
But by this time last year
I had the hope of another.
It's silly to know it was a lie to love someone else,
Like I had never felt before you, and not for a moment after I
Lapsed into that bitter cold uncaring that you were so afraid of.

It's a feat that I ever left.
What was it you said, my dear?
Oh, and who am I?

and quietly I asked
for just "a favor"
with my arms, before consent,
finding you.

what was broken isn't just
fixed like that
with a little hug or
a few little words
but I like to think
that we've found a frame
for the shattered glass pieces of us

Let him hold me, who is tall
And bids my heart be new-
No, I don't want him at all;
For he is not a thing like you!

I am not one to pass a fancy
But more of one to slip and fall
Let them rise and smile to greet me-
Watch me how I'll never call.

I have been there, surely waiting
As the phone sits still as pain--
Here I go, without complaining
And here I do to him the same.

Let his love be thoughtful, touching
Telling me it never quits-
Then watch me, mascara running
As I dash that heart to bits!

L'Envoi:

Ruthlessly began the cycle
When that man stood by, stood by,
Pray for help to God and Michael-
And kiss your heart good-bye, good-bye.

Some day
You will front a darling little parade
And you'll be carried on careful shoulders
While your name flutters in the wind

Maybe I'll be among the crowd,
Or
(More predictably)
Waiting in the nearest bar
To read about it in the paper.

Maybe your
(Shaky, small)
wife will be there
In that elegant black dress
And she'll shed one single tear.
Not of sadness,
But of
Relief.


*"Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust."

He who basked in my little verses
Stayed to watch me fall
And now I count my little curses
Coping with it all.

Let him hurt, who gave me pain
And let him sail away
Let me leave on him a stain-
And let me have my day!

For I got words that run and shout
And he got sighs and dances
I'd like to let my anger out;
Lord, don't give me any chances!

you deserve more than the words I could give you

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but these bycicle tires are flat and
you smashed my teacups against the wall

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but my voice is flat and
you smashed my heart against the wall

please forgive me when I find someone new to hold

Everything is tired--
So tired

And my words refuse to form epics
And my lips refuse to form words
And my eyes don't glow
And I roll out of bed to cold tile
And sharp white lines

And the keys don't fit in the door any more
And your lips don't curl
And you don't see me
And you don't speak
And I don't worry

Because I loved you too fiercely
Because you didn't love me
Because I was cold
Because I couldn't swallow the pills any more

Everything is tired--
So tired--
Because I still dream you between my bedsheets.

i don't remember how to write
without you.
my words used to flow and,
might i add,
attract the eyes of many

i write from where it hurts the most--
from deep in the pit of my stomach
and there is still hurt to write about, yes,
but it lingers on the notches of my spine
so
the pain is too close to my bedsheets to do a ****** thing.

i miss you now from my stomach
where the love once lay its head

"I can't,"
You said,
"I'm sorry."*

I gave you everything
And now I'm left with nothing.

So perhaps, love,
This is for the best.
Let us see the end
Before we begin.

I want to tell you everything
Not a confession;
Is there anything left to confess?
I want to speak until my throat runs dry
I want to hold you for hours-
No-
I want to hold you eternally.
I want to love you
And when I say that I mean
I want to love you infinitely.
*I promise I will.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Become new.
Roll up in your bedsheets and feel the chrysalis change you.

Don't stay the same.
No, don't you dare.
If you stop moving the darkness will catch up
Destroying your dreams,
Your love,
Your hope.
Everything that kept you steady.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Choose change
Before it chooses you.

Another day gone
Another life beginning
While I simply wait

I imagine you sitting in an expensive café,
Tapping away at your phone.
When love goes by with an 'Enchanté'.
And you remain alone.

I have read the same issue of seventeen twice
Waiting; wasting time.
A clock above the door innocently ticks away the time I've spent
Sitting; staring.
My thoughts like raindrops coalesce on the back of my eyelids
Flowing; fading.
And the nurses that weave in and out of the swinging door
Smiling; sighing.
I imagine your bare feet on the freezing grey linoleum
Shivering; dying.

My brain speaks in a whisper:
"You should be angry;
He should be afraid."

My lips speak just loud enough to hear:
"I don't love him;
He never loved me."

My heart beats thunderously in my chest:
"He is the best thing that's ever happened to you;
How could you ever forget?"

"Till death do us part,"
Red lips behind a cereal spoon
Blue eyes and pupils like dimes
The moon is her spotlight
Glinting off of pale hair

"Till death do us part,"
Layers upon layers of clothing
You always felt too skinny
You painted a skeleton
And called it 'self portrait'

"Till death do us part,"
She was starved for sunlight on the hottest days
You let her stretch in the rays
As you wilted comfortably in the shade
And Frances skipped from dark to light, keeping the equilibrium that you couldn't give her

"Till death do us part,"
The greenhouse above the garage
Where you swallowed your final breaths
A lethal dose of ****** coursing through your veins
And a bullet in your skull
Did she laugh as you fell apart?

It's better to burn out
Than to fade away

The* day I decided I loved you
We basked in the sun's rays
Now you're gone
And your love has grown dim
So I wait, rain and shine
For the day that you speak to me.
The moon's cycle is anew,
And you are still gone
The sky is black with my heartache
I'd die for you
I won't lie
I loved you,
After I left him
And I knew you were perfect because
He was everything you are not
I chose you, but you didn't care,
I love you,
Please choose me *back

I'm not trying to hurt you.
What you said
And what you did
Are distant and unparalleled planes of reality

I'm not trying to hurt you.
As if my pain was not your goal
But ultimately a consequence of your arrogant carelessness.

I'm not trying to hurt you.
But you did
With impressive efficiency
And you shredded my concept of trust

I'm not trying to hurt you.
Maybe not,
But I've never been more hurt in my life

I'm not trying to hurt you.*
You took the confidence that filled my chest
And in return I got existential dread

Maybe I'm silly to be in love with
A grey beanie perched on
Golden hair
A warm smile and blue eyes
"What's wrong with that?" I ask myself.
Nothing is wrong with cold lips touching warm coffee cups;
I could stay with you on a rainy day.
I am in love with the softness of anything that belongs to you-
Anything you've touched-
Worn t-shirts and mugs with the mark of your lips around them.
I touch your shoulder
You flash your white teeth
Unscathed by espresso-filled evenings.
You are an apparition;
A gift from god.

I leave a $30 tip.

I'm alone,
You know,
And would welcome you
At any time
To paint pictures with my blood
And **** me slowly
Staring into my
Dilated pupils
And wring my neck
With my
Sweaty palms

I certainly wouldn't stop you

Hey
(It was sunny;
You and I dodged the rays all day)
How are you?
(You smiled at me;
I felt like I had a place with you)
It's rainy, today.
(You said it was poetic;
We spent the day with hot espresso and black umbrellas)
It's weird, not seeing you.
(Every day you hugged me;
I didn't like hugs, before I knew you)
I miss you.
(You are gone now;
We promised to stay together always)
I love you.
(You told me first;
It came like lightning in the summer and took my breath away)
I can't live without you.*
(I don't often tell the truth;
If I am honest once, let it be this)

It was like we were two old friends
Sharing insights on a shiny green lawn.
We would come here again, I knew
In our own red garments and tasseled hats.
All I know is that
As you smiled so genuinely I found
There was no one I would rather see the end of adolescence with.
We are kindred spirits, you and I.

Steal a glance my way,
Darling,
You'll never look too long.

And take my missing sleep,
My love,
It'll only make me strong

You can keep a shirt or two
Love of mine,
Just swipe one from my drawer

Rob me of my books,
My pet,
For I can read no more

Take my ridiculous social constructs,
Baby,
They're useless anyhow.

And you can have my money,
My dear,
Don't pay me back, now.

Steal a kiss or two,
Dear love,
But never kiss and tell.

But never steal my heart,
Lover,
I'll never want it back.

You told me I was growing on you
(like vines on an
unmarked grave)
And that you cared about me
(like a lover,
or am I reading too deeply?)

I never told you anything
(obscured myself
in case you caught wind of these truths)
And now I regret the silence
(said a god to his wife
because he hated her laugh)

Farewell.
Shall we meet again?
Return, to kiss my heavy eyelids in the moonlight.
Lover, shall we meet again
In this grave vestige?
Will Gabriel himself deliver my invitation?
If you are gone
I will follow;
Seek you out in a sea of cyanide.
Farewell.
We shall meet again.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline

It's as if the blood stains have marked
My legs and eyes and lips
And I've started wishing it was my own blood

It would at least give me a reason to weep

Instead I watch in horror
As the brutal affliction consumes me from the ground up.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline.

I crave indifference.