better is the biggest fairy tale of all time
the mirage in the desert before
a promised land i’ll never reach,
predestined to dwell in the wilderness
with my gloom my doom

untitled (7:22 pm / 19:22)
i don’t want to live i want to die
what’s wrong with me
what did i do
it’s all my fault isn’t it

it’s so hard to go on
and for no reason
no reason other than myself

looking up overdosages of pain meds on incognito
or even antidepressants
but doctors, they’ve made sure i can’t do that

i want to die because then it’ll be peaceful
quiet
nothing
darkness
no one

we were supposed to be united
a team
us against the world
but you have betrayed me
I trusted you
so much
and I would have never done anything
like this to you
I guard your secrets with my heart
and you steal mine like they're yours
don't you care how you're hurting me?
haven't you seen how worried I've been about you?
you're not the same
the person I knew would never do this
I want you back
and the secrets you stole from me
I want them back

it’s too late 6.17.25 (7:00 pm / 19:00)
i can still hear your voice
still in my head
you said ‘god bless you’
you held out your hands

i’m sorry for all the things i did
i can’t imagine how it must be for you

i’m sorry i left you there
i’m sorry didn’t try to help
i’m sorry it’s far too late

i’m sorry for you and all those who carry your name
pain is universal,
i’m sorry i drew borders,
i’m sorry i didn’t know

i’m sorry i left you sitting in a wheelchair
in front of the stores
i’m sorry i left you for you to leave us

today my mother said she saw you
all the way downtown
hanging with the people doing drugs
i’m sorry

because you were one more person
really not to different from me
who could have been saved
if only
if only

we were a bit kinder

i guess it’s way too late

[playing (idk why): what dreams are made of - ballad version by paolo and isabella from the lizzie mcguire movie]

it's hard to believe people love me
when I don't love myself
and once they are around me
there's no way they possibly can
because once I take the mask off
I'm no longer the "safe place"
they thought I was
instead
I'm the one who needs saving

the lovely
sitting alone
in the wondrous basement
with occasional flooding
wrists burning
heart brimming with sadness
yet you tell me I'm magical
and that you're grateful for me

I wish you knew the real me
because I am lost
and I am not enjoying the maze
I cry about stupid things
I flinch away from touch
because the only contact I know is violent
I try to fix others
but cannot fix myself
I lie
and pretend
to be more then I am

you say I know the secrets of the universe
but in reality I know nothing
I know only how to say words
and string them together to make something pretty
something that feels like a hug
from 26 days away
but in truth
they are nothing but words.

I am not marvelous
nor magnificent
and I am not all I pretend to be
I am less
I am lost
and you are lovely