I'm tired.
I'm tired of exams.
I'm tired of studying day and night for a piece of paper which literally determines my next job application.
That doesn't make any sense.
I could be **** good at something not a paper is worth for, but will i be given a chance to prove so?
I'm tired of exams
Aren't you?

I think I finally understand.

I'm the part of you you'd never felt worth venturing
And you're the part of me that I always desired,
That driven connection we have,
Its like two souls intervene so magically , so effortlessly,
That magnetic field we resonate ,
Is connecting us beyond what we ever expected,
No pressure, No negative intuitions,
Your spirit rejuvanates my spaces of unfurnished emptiness,
Your honest acceptance of me is chivalrous,
Need i say much about how comfortable we ease ourselves to let it go,
That deep spiritual connection we have is something i want to cherish,
I love how you throw off your inner thoughts at me,
Your love is enticing, so sensual,
I want you to indulge in my overflowing appetite of love for you
Let me love you inside out,
Allow me to counterpoise your darkside,
I wish to reside in the space between your heart and loneliness so that the two may never meet again,
You started a war in my heart, and I can't let it end now baby,
I am going to surrender to your carefree love,
Temper me with your protectiveness,
I wont be able to resist your soul,
I want to be in your circle of growth,
Fertilize me with your pureness,
Your ravishing personality amazes me,
Oh sweetheart,
Our craving and desire for one another light's us up whenever we meet eyes now. I never want that to go away,
For all that we had in the past, For all that we have now, lets allow our hearts to lead us into this path of perpetual love. <3

In the eyes of the girl who sat laughing in the corner of the room,
not worrying what the world thought about her,
captivating the world with her sincere personality,
unfolding her humbleness,
letting her guard down for all she could offer,
building no walls of defense..
letting the world watch her and clench their lustful desires on her ,
mesmerized by her inner beauty,
you quench for more of her delicateness,
sparing no innocence for her cries,
violently abusing her fragile soul,
Now what's left of her is an endless vulnerability to fear and hatred,
Traumatic  nightmares, permanent scars,
The worst part is you live everyday of your life with no slight regret,
not a glimpse of guilt,
Now she's left only with bits of herself, drying her tears every night as she pick up her leftover faith she has to painfully move on in this cruel world, without a single justice of her suffering...

It begins with a very few words, but an array of emotions.
Its unspoken feelings,
Its the misalignment of words,
My head is underwater but I somehow enjoy the feeling of suffocation,
Submerged in my own thoughts,
I am slowly drowning,
Not a slight quiver with the sound of rippling waters,
I don't hear a sound above,
Above,.. where its all rustles and rambles of reality,
I feel safe underwater,
Often, I hear the whispers of doubt in my ear,
My head and heart has been detached for so long,
I'd forgotten the weight that it carried,
I feel lighter underwater,
Let me have a few moments more,
I don't mind the taste of salt in my mouth than to hear the lies you tell to comfort me,
I think this life finally belongs to me,
As i watch the sky above me, and feel the water beneath me,
I am one step closer to healing,
I have suffered a hundred seconds trying to appreciate a moment.
But for now,
After a very long time, I finally feel happy.
Truly happy.

I find comfort in my pain, tears and sadness,  as ive come to know that happiness isnt everlasting. And thats okay. Its okay to find solace in pain.
But when it gets too much, like a river it overflows, spills at places and drowns the other fragments of me.
How do i stop this feeling?

And it subtly sinks in slowly, leaving behind temporary sweetness...
Settling you down with just as you want it more...
And then it fades..
You wrap it all up wanting another taste of it...
Spoilt for choices..
You somehow still yearn for the same one. :)

Breathe deep, breathe slow,
I like to watch your hair shimmer in gold with the light,
How could i adore such a beautiful girl like you.
Even with your eyes closed, i could still see your smile,
You open up my eyes for hope,
All your love is all i ever known,
How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?
Please stay,please live one more day with me
Promise me you will.
Please.

Would you stop abusing the world I Love You.
It doesnt mean anything to me anymore.
I dont believe in love. After all, everything nice and happy in the beginning will eventually fade and only sadness will fill in those spaces.
Why waste those three effortless words when in reality its taken for granted.
I don't want to hear those three words not unless you can define it without an explanation nor without saying it.
Please stop this infectious spread of I love You if you don't carry a permanent everlasting meaning to it.

One day when i wake up and im like an angry depress person with such hate and dissapointment with my life . Would u still love me?

One day when i wake up with amputated limbs and losing the will to survive,would u be there for me?

: One day when i wake up with a mental illness,losing sight of myself, living in the walls of my own misery ,would u pick me up and show me the other side of the world?

One day when im in debts of my own failures and cast away in my own fears,would u hold me and guide me?

: One day when i break down and feel like giving up because giving out is all i ever lived up for but nothing seems to go my way,would you show me the light?

One day when im wrinkled,old, and smell like the corridors of the hospital ward,would you leave me for someone else?

Deep dark between those eyes that weep every night lies a tale never known, never heard by anyone.
I chatter as my wide smile fills the gap of sorrows.
I laugh , i laugh and laugh as if nothing could bother me.
I am your slave of agony every time you shed a tear.
I am nothing but a rose that lies between the piercing thorns, unwinding every thorn it pierces my skin, bleed i shall, because blood nor pain shall stop me from being the precious rose among the thorns.
I stand between the rival of your anger and ego.
I am the fire that burns your soul and water that cleanses your miseries.
I am the light that shades your fears and builds your strengths.
I am the the dome that you astray your secrets.
I am the demon that reignites the wicked of you. .
I am the brick that broke your walls.
I am the stranger that estranges your loneliness.  
I am the willingness to your foolishness.
I am the prisoner of your eternal love.
I am the prayer to all your unanswered happiness.
I am the forgotten.

How shall I begin?
You caught my eye the first time i met you in the cafe.
We were playing cards, everything about you just fascinates me.
Your hair? Haha. No mainly your personality intrigued me. Alot.
Your intelligience made me inferior. I liked that.
Sometimes I wish you knew how much of a unique gem you are to everyone around you.
You forget how special you are in the eyes of those who care for you. You're selfish. You're just a lost soul. Drowned in your delusional sadness. I'm so mad at you.
Most importantly I wished you knew how much you meant to me.
I know I'm a reckless rebel,I say brutal honest things which hurts everyone.
But ...
I'll fight and keep fighting for friendships If i mess it up.
Need i explain myself why?
Because I know the pain of losing someone that is irreplaceable.
Why wont you push away your ego and wipe out the misunderstandings we had?
How could you just push me aside so easily and forgetting what this friendship meant to you?
I apologise,maybe Im the only one who felt this way. All along.

Would you please give me another chance?
Because I miss what we shared. I miss our bond. It was special.
I promise it will be worth it.

You promised me you would take care of me like a precious baby
You promised me you would be there even when my cradle breaks
You promised me you would fix the pieces of my broken mental puzzles
You promised me you would wipe away my tears,
You promised me you will be my shell and shun away my fears,
You promised me there would always be days where I can smile without having to worry,
You promised me i'll never have to be alone,
You promised me and made me believe that there is always hope,
You promised to swim with me atleast once,
You promised to play that song with your guitar,
You promised me you'll buy me you'll buy me that strawberry cheese milkshake,
You promised me to get me that dress,
You promised me you will be the best for me,
You promised to not hurt me ever,
You promised me that I will be your one and only,
You promised me You'll always be my Guardian angel,
All i can say is you promised. With the ED behind every promise.
It's never going ** happen? I wish to know your promises do come true.
I'll wait as long as ever.

Its funny how they say ;
" Im your other better half", we complete each other.
What if all along I was just your ...
" insignificant half ".......that completes you, but not "US". ?

I wished you knew how much i would give to see you happy.
I wished you knew how much i would sacrifice to get your attention.
I wished you knew how much i am doing to make you realize your mistakes.
I wished you knew i secretly kept that last piece of chocolate which i haven't tasted so you can have it.
I wished you knew how much it took for me to stand by you through all the times you made me cried.
I wished you knew i would never give up on you.
I wished you knew how much you mean the world to me.
I wished you knew I spent hours praying for you to change to be a better person.
I wished you knew how i would give u my only piece of favorite blanket just so you can be warm,
I wished you knew it makes me so happy to see you fill your tummy with all the food i have to offer,
I wished you knew that your irreplaceable in my heart,
I wished you knew that i love to stare in your deep eyes for hours without having to feel bored,
I wished you knew i would do anything to sniff you one last time everytime we said goodbye,
I wished you knew how much you could make me hate and love you at the same time,
I wished you knew how important you are in my chapter's of life,
I wished you knew every step astray you take, my heart aches so badly,
I wished you knew that second to my family comes you,
I wished you knew how much i crave for your attention even when you pushed me away a million times,
I wished you knew how much fragile and sensitive i get to your piercing words,
I wished you knew i have always given my best to you
I wished you knew how much i long for the times you treated me like your one and only precious ,
I wish you knew every word here is written about you,
Sincerely from my heart.

Today you allowed your sinful addiction to win over your life.
Today you let your addiction consume your battles.
Tomorrow you start all over.
No regrets.
Just fulfilling your desires.
One day you lose the girl who fought your battles and killed her dreams silently.
When it's too late you'll realize all she ever did was to make you believe you're much more than a puff.

The unapologetic ways you show your love,
When you hold my hand, and say im the only one,
But make everyone else feel that way too,
That heartwarming seconds when you say you can't live without me,
but really i can feel you letting me go ,
The unforgivable part when you say im the reason behind your happiness,
but why i feel its just another fairy tale,
then when do all these words actually bring a meaning,
when ever does it,...
But what did i ever do wrong,
Was wanting you to be my one and only a sin,.
Was it so wrong to want something , to invest in soemthing that could be mine forever,
was it so wrong to take a chance and risk it all,
you begged for me,
Once.
upon
a
time.
and that was it,
Now i can see where you stand,
i can also see my value in your eyes,
that grip of hand when you held me on the first day left me abruise i never regret, because i knew it was pure love,
but now the bruises you leave behind are those nothing but heartaches and pain,
those words you say to me I want you , I need you, i LOVE YOU are all replaced with a silent cry of Please leave me alone.,
So i shall,
one day, one day when im strong enough to let go of the one thing i never saw myself doing
but it was never me who wanted to leave,
you pushed me away,slow and bitter, like a tainted metal scraper dragging through the streets of confusion
I wished you never derailed so far like this,
but i wish one more thing,
Please dont victimised another poor girl who adores you,
dont be quick to fall in love and make empty broken promises,
So before i leave, let me run through your hair lines one last time,
let me fiddle with your warm palm,
let me gently lay a kiss on your cheek,
let me sniff your neck, oh its my favorite for one last time,
so maybe,
just maybe you will remember what it felt like loving me,
but if you did change your mind, i wont be giving you that second chance sweetheart,
i shall not regret it once again, tho deep in my heart i can feel a knife slicing me into halves,
But no, i shall not take that road again.
for all that's left is for me to leave.
Something you never found it difficult to do.
Goodbye sweetheart.

I used to have delusions of infidelity of my ex, turns out I was always right.

Please tell me for once, I don't have to face this world,
With their piercing stares of hatred and anger,
Please tell me,
that the air I breathe in is filled with warmth,
not angst of discrimination
Or critics eager to have a say in everything i do,
Please tell me,
that for once I wouldn't wake up tangled in my blanket of unfortunate happenings that awaits me,
Instead, I just want to lie as long as I want in my bed with a scent of comfort and feel safe,
Not having to face the judgments of the world as I open my room door which will always be my barrier to protect me.
At least for this one night, I just want to lie on my bed not having to face the wreck of humanity, and embrace my little blessings,
Because, when dawn breaks I have to deal with EVERYTHING once more..

My love was constant and sensitive.
Your love was shifty and repulsive.
My love was a work in progress
Your love was impulsively agrressive
My love was liberation
Your love was dictatorship
My love was repetitive
Your love was bipolar
My love was yours to believe and ours to cherish
Your love was covered in guilt drowned in insecurities cornered to lies
My love was receiving and giving
Your love was giving constantly doubting on mine never ready for receiving
My love was enough. Enough to make us live and move ahead to a beautiful future.
Your love was there but never enough to made you stay.

Cover me up in your mess and i'll sew you a new suit,
Entangled between your pursue of anxieties,
Feed me with your sins, I shall mercify them,
Throw me your tantrums as I'm your only escapade,
Strip off your soul not your clothes, cause i wish to ****** with your beauty,
Your burdens are heavier than mine, because mine was only to love you.

I dont know how to escape this numb feeling,
Will I be able to break free from this ?
Will time heal all of it?
Or will another love replace this broken heart of mine?
Or will I just go on not needing any of these.
Time please dont let me down.
Hope please dont dissapoint me.
I am counting on you, mind.

Im more than the girl sitting on the green couch every night sacrificing my sleep just to talk to the boy she gave herself too , every inch, unfortunately he now sets alarms to call me  just so he remembers while i sit on the green couch still waiting after 4 years.

A barely breathing story,
Hear the irregularities of my heart rhythm,
Withering inside,
Decaying outside,
Numb,
Edges of my skin clammy,
I feel the heartache piercing right through my clavicle,
Empty

Oh demon
Why do you putrify the living souls?
Why do you scare the wits out of the innocent?
Why do you behave so uncanny?
What are you exactly?
Why do you instill fear and than cast away goodness and then dissapear leaving the job of punishment to God?
I wonder if I should purify my idea of your existence?
Or shall I just resent to your self-amusing foreplay of lust,ego,anger and greed.
Oh demon
Why can't you just stop trying and stop messing with the lives of the living.
We are not slaves of your treachery.
We dont want to live under your spell of wickedness and darkness.
Oh demon,
If you're here for a solid purpose, then Why am i still searching for answers?
If you're here for a reason ,then why are there lost souls?
If you're here to create balance between the good and evil,the wrongs and rights.
Then why is our world still chaotic?
Oh demon
What mischief have you set for us in the future?
I am worried.
I fear for something I can't even be sure it exists.
Oh demon
I fear you.

You can never really trust anyone because they never give you a reason too.

All they say is you've changed.
No one really asks you Why?
No one really holds your hand and guides you.
No one really wants to know you better, understand you.
No one really knows maybe you didn't change but you just grew up.
No one really cares.
Well, that's okay.
Because in the end you somehow knew this journey was always between you and God, never them.

You cared.
You listened.
You understood.
You sincerely did all three.

That's all I ever needed.

Cold breeze,
Torn sleeve,
Gray hair,
Tired eyes,
Weary soul,
Warm coffee,
Wise words,
Worn out hands,
Deep wrinkles,
Sunken eyes,
Everlasting hope,
Strong intuition,
Infinite prayers,
Endless love.

I see you.
Yes, you reading this.
I see you even when no one else can.
I see you.

Have you looked at the mirror and seen yourself laugh?
When was the last time you actually had a genuine laugh?
Have you wiped someone's tears and felt their grief?
Have you taken the courage to comfort someone and say the right thing for once?
Have you tried to stop a friend from doing drugs and swallowing pills?
Have you stayed on the phone and hear someone's breathing till they fell asleep?
Have you encouraged a friend or a stranger recently?
Have you sat down and heard someone share their day?
The parts where they tell you how they messed up and regretted what they did.
The parts where they sit down and chew their last bit of a sneakers bar they kept when they had sad days?
The part where they bite their nails and shake their heads in hesitation to tell their crippling thoughts
The thoughts that may or may never bring you closer to them
The parts where they are just tired of complaining an dealing with reality
The parts where they sometimes dont have a clue what they're doing
But wouldn't it be nice someone telling them they are doing just fine?
To tell them to Keep moving on,is as simple telling a child to stop crying when he lost his favorite toy.
But aint it harder if you were in his shoes.
But every lonely night
They sit there wondering what they could have done right and how to deal another day being wrong and settling for a "okay , im fine kinda day.
Have you told someone they mean the world to you, and then discover they feel the same way or just used it to fuel their life then leave you ?
Have you felt so happy for your best friend that she finally found someone who loved her as much as you prayed for her?
Have you prayed so much to take the burdens away from your loved ones?
Have you seen a mother meet her newborn for the first time?
Have you seen a father watch his son win his first soccer tournament?
Have you seen a malnourished kid scramble over a stale bread only to save it for his dieying sister?
Have you heard a cancer stage 4 patient tell her regrets in life?
Have you heard someone's last breath for the last time?
Have you heard a woman cry when she fought one last time for her marriage over the last 13 years?
Have you even heard your father shed tears because well he was "supposedly thought to be the strong one and never to show his feelings in the family"
Have you asked the meaning of life to your grandparents?
Have you woken up early just to hear the sound of the waves?
Have you felt the comfort of a soldier returning to his family?
Have you seen the joy on a doctor;s face after a 12 hour surgery succeeds?
Have you felt the joy of a teacher when all her students made it through graduation?
Have you felt something in a long time and let that feeling linger?
Have you felt what's it like to look at all these from my eyesbut choose to stay and endurre it all?

I hate how all your love was a lie,
Yes i am a victim of your manipulation,
Your lies,
You cheat,
You betrayer,
I thought you wanted me,
But you just needed me
Used,
You were always ready to let me go.
How could i have been blinded to all your nasty moves?
Was i too blinded for the love i had for you.
All those nights when you said you were busy, in truth you were with her.
I begged you to have a future with me, while without a second heart beat you readily said we will never be together,
I still had hope.
But you , all you ever do is torture me mentally, physically and emotionally,
You blamed me.
You always won my heart by your tears and pitiful wailing,
I always gave you umpteen chances,
but why? Because i loved you.
You never did.
And i have to sleep with the fact my lover betrayed me for 4 years.

Life is not like the movies, there are those happy endings and a lil chaos in between ,
I've learnt alot in the expanse of just being 24, yes the big 24.
To reach to this part where i am is truly a blessing,
A crossroad between embracing adulthood and saying goodbye to the 14 year old me.
But heck I never want to let go of the 4 year old me.
Its those quiet moments in your room ,
where you lay to yourself and take a glimpse of what made you, what broke you.
A step wiser.
A step closer to the harsh reality.
But guess what?
I look forward.

Why do feel like my heart is going to be broken again?

It all started one fine day,
And it all ended that very fine day,
If I could turn around and only ask why me?
What did I do to receive all these?
All I ever wanted was for all of you to accept me,
To leave that boy next door alone,
To leave that poor boy who sits alone in class,
To leave alone that boy who's battling his own struggles behind closed doors,
That boy was me,
Looking from above right now, I wished i could have done things differently,
Maybe I should have fought back harder, defended myself more,
But how is this fair,
While I was on the floor fighting for my life, begging every second that you would stop, you still stood there striking , charging , punching, assaulting every part of my helpless wounded body.

While I lay there at my most vulnerable state, you didnt stop, each of you stood there and watched me till I bleed to my demise.

Every menacing move you made on me was satisfaction to you  but to me, It was the most agonizing, horrific and frightful last moments of my life.

What's is there left within me?
You didnt just break my bones, you broke my willpower to survive,
Did you for once stop to think, what it would have felt like to be in my shoes?
What it felt like to be at your most vulnerable state and have someone to take advantage of it with absolute zero guilt.
I'm forever shattered.
I'm forever traumatized.
I'm forever your meat to be taunted.
I'm forever broken.

While the ones to pay the price for my absence are my loved ones.
You did not just take the little boy next door's life away.
you took away his families hope and pride as they watch him burn  for the last time. With no last words from him. With no last cries to his mother.
All there is left, is my memory and my painful story that must be shared to every bully victim. For justice will prevail and all the morally upright will be vindicated.”

Everyone I loved left.
Everyone I trusted betrayed.
Everyone I held on, gave up.
What makes you so different from them?
I'd rather end it at 'hello'.

The power of unrequited love is far more powerful, unlike other bonds its shared, but mine, mine, is all alone. Mine.

I didn't need to tell you the message of my love.
It was written all along...
Through my eyes..
In my heart..
Spoken from my actions..
Felt from my heart, mind, soul and touch.
But did you observe.
Were you patient enough to give me a chance.
The second you felt uncomfortable
Was the second you convinced yourself..
That.
Our love wasn't made for each other.
So here I am still convinced our love was real.
And there you are diving into the next place of comfort; Her.

I listen to the thoughts you don't speak.

I receive your joviality even when you're just smiling.

I drowned in the echoes of your laughter,always hoping im the reason behind it.

I sense your dissapointment even in a fragment of your voice.

I witness the ache you carry in your eyes when you don't sleep enough.

I dwell in your solemnity to feel your desolation

I bare some of your agonizing burdens through a prayer when you least expect it.

I see the inner kid in you that craves for infinite affection.

I have a weakness for the depth of your undeniable love. It's addictive.

I am amused with your tenacity to give your heart out all over again.

I am inspired by your resilience.

I want to fill the void within you with my compassionate love
I want you to have a little faith for all the upcoming adversities life throws at you.
I want nothing more but abundance of joy and contentment in your life.
I want you to know that even in the days you forget who you're becoming
I want you to know I see you.
I see you dear.
Always.

You don't understand
It wasn't about the flowers you received from her
It was the way you lit up in joy when you received it
I didn't think it would affect me
But I was hoping the same reaction..
When I spent nights thinking which was the perfect gift for you.
Non of it mattered anyway.

Everyone i do right does me wrong.
Everyone i love hurts me
Everyone i believe in fails me,
Everyone  i trust doubts me,
Will this cycle end?
I am tired of holding on to hope.
Because its the only thing left.

That one time I needed you to fight for me.
You didn't.
That one last test to prove you kept your promise.
You didn't.
The one time I believed you wouldn't leave.
You did.

You took a vow to yourself to love her all,
But today you took away the one thing she never saw coming,
She believed in your love,
Now.
All that's left
Is a faded memory.

You said you cant see me go before you.
But in truth , when we fight you readily let me go,
As if its all a bitter lie you say,
I slowly become numb to the lies you tell,
It hurts more when you made this dear promises,
that i hold so dearly to my heart,
only to watch it all break in front of me.

Im sitted here
Right infront of you
Supposedly celebrating our anniversary
I had it all planned out in my head
For hours ,for days
I pictured the way it was suppose to be
Silly of me to think id go perfectly the way i thought in my stupid head
Here you are
Not a word spoken to me
A silent dinner date
Not the first time
Expectations really disappoints us

You fell deeply in love with me first.
But I loved you the hardest.
Cause when it came to staying and leaving
You never hesitated to leave.

Its in those moments we give out ourselves a little bit. A little care. A little love. A little of who we are is displayed in our tiniest of actions.
When someone coughs and we do not hesitate to offer water
When someone is shifting too many bags on their hands and we offer a little help to lighten the burden
Or when we hold the lift door
Or when we reach out an extra packet of rice to our neighbouring patient hoping it reminds them of comfort
Or when we tell our food panda rider to be safe on his way home
Or when we say keep the extra change
Or when we offer to walk with a fragile stranger till they're safe

I wanted to build an empire with him but little was I aware he was still battling a war within himself.

Oh she was sunshine and fulfillment
He was storm and doubts
Oh she held him close to her arms
While he held her at arms length
Together they were happy
But what happiness would it be
If you're arent at the same pace
Two different speed of oars rowing a boat
Only ending up at the side of the banks
Stumbling upon weeds and wilderness
Never reaching the destination
Only to find out they were never in the same boat