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Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
Sometimes I hunger for pain -
it's better than feeling
          e m p t y.
Floating away while desperately
trying to cling onto what's left.

Air slips through my fingers
and it smells of you
-- the musk of your past,
because I'm not ready to
leave you behind.

Yet you're soaring away
-- wings beating steadily.
And soon you'll be a
speck in the sky.

I'm forever grounded
-- you planted me,
never bothered to water me
and left me here to wither
                                                    
                      *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    July 2 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I am your nightmare, I am your fear.
I am vile, I am a bat screeching in your ear.
I am torture, with a capital T
I am a noose that you cannot see.
I am the part of your soul that is black.
I am the treacherous thoughts you can't hold back.
I am the devil's spawn, the seven deadly sins
I am the sociopath acting out on a whim
I am a corpse on All Hallows Eve
I am the homeless, begging on my knees
I am the **** of the Earth, the dust of the wealth
I am an alcoholic in withdrawal, a person dying of bad health
I am a tumour, gnawing away at your life
I am a scar, being torn open by a knife
I am the bad,
the evil,
the vile
I am your paranoia, your reoccurring denial
You created this monster, this omen of death
And I will remind you until you take your last breath.

*-lf-
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Her skin isn’t scarred, but her soul is ripped and tattered
Her flesh may be clean, but her heart is bloodied and battered
Words do more damage than an iron sword
Removing flesh from bone and chopping heads whole
He lit a fire made from malice and deceit
And sparked the flint beneath her innocent feet
Watched as she writhed, porcelain flesh alight
Cackling as she turned into a mere shadow of the night
With his tongue and his hissing, he burned her alive
Smeared dirt on her pretty face and tore out her eyes
Better to die with your dignity than perfect skin
For perfection will eventually reflect the demons within

*-lf-
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I want to scream until I reach absolute silence
I want to ruin everything with such violence
I want to cut these locks
I want to shed this skin
I want to bleed cold blood,
want to breathe destruction in.

I want my cynicism to rot
I want to be granted rebirth.
I want to see the sun, for once
I want to see my worth.

I want to feel alive
Want to feel reality.

I'm ready to be human
I've accepted mortality.

*-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    July 19 2012
Leelan Farhan Mar 2014
Although my height has not grown in years, with every day that I grow older, with each experience, I feel farther and farther away from the ground - head racing towards the clouds, yet body still somehow planted on foreign land.

                           *-lf-
Leelan Farhan
March 22 2014
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
they try to find me another
push me out towards the sea
but I'm still drowning
in your river
still craving the way
your water kissed my knees

they tell me I deserve to be engulfed
by waves
but all I want is silence
the ocean is too loud

your still water
is all I need

*-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
     June 4 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I thought it would get easier as time passes
but every time your name leaves my mouth
I feel all the oxygen in my body leave with it
depleting my energy
ripping my throat to shreds as it makes its way

Your name --
It used to sound delicious on my lips
leaving me breathless
Now it's a different kind of breathless.
The kind that suffocates me
and laughs as I begin to choke.

I used to think it brilliant that you saw colours
when you heard my voice.
Now I wonder if the only colour you'd see is
that of darkness and hatred

                                     *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    June 7 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
You chase her
and get nowhere.
I chase you
around back alleys
and all I get are strangers
who resemble you.
But their touch doesn't fool my body.
When will we get it right?

*-lf-
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
"*****, filthy, subhuman creatures"
They don’t care if you’re doctors,
lawyers or teachers
They’ll kidnap your children,
spit on your soul
Terrorize your family,
kick in your door

They’ll drug your mind with propaganda
Cut out your tongue if you try to stand up
They’ll beat you till you bleed
But we never plead for mercy,
No we never claim defeat

They’ll kick you under the desk,
send you slamming into the wall
They’ll laugh and kick you harder,
if you try to get up, if you try to crawl

But our crawling brings us to our knees,
Slowly, we rise up to our feet
And we’ll face the persecution
The vile, mind-prostitution

They **** our women and our children,
Just as much as they **** our minds
****** our emotion,
But they will not ****** our pride
Our dignity is our iron,
Our religion is our crime.
But you cannot destroy us
Believe me, many have tried.

There is silver in our blood,
Gold in our soul
Oil paint coats our skin
And our words swallow you whole

Our hearts are poets,
Constructing your fears
Our thoughts are daggers and arrows
Our minds are cunning engineers

You can hang us from the ceiling
You can throw us in a tank of gas
But our lungs are as pure as snow
And this pain will never last

We have risen from the ashes
Hear our battle cries
We do not yield weapons
In silence,
we ride
*-lf-
This is a very personal poem, about the human rights violations occurring in my parents' homeland (Iraq).
© Leelan Farhan 2013
Leelan Farhan Aug 2013
Your tongue licks the sweat off me
-- tasting what you wrongfully claimed as
yours.
No mercy - you take no prisoners,
only lost souls.

You're a vulture, a crow
And god, don't you know?
the pain you cause me
when you lick the blood
off my bones?

Your claws dig into my marrow
   - are you finished yet?
My decaying brain is left with
holes of regret.
Send me to purgatory
- I'm finished with this mess.

A naive deer is still full of grace
You may have mauled my soul,
but there's still a bit you have yet to taste.
I'll run circles around your head,
throwing fairy dust into your soul.

This silent deer is screaming for mercy,
but you haven't yet swallowed her whole.

                                     *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    August 25 2013
Leelan Farhan Dec 2014
when you hate yourself so much that you can feel it in your bones
and nothing feels as good as the tightening around your throat
and physical pain is just a distraction from the empty darkness in your soul

when you dig down deep inside but find nothing but carcasses of thoughts
and even though the memories are vague, the emotion has yet to rot
and despite their blurred outlines, scars, you have not forgot

when you know that they have skinned you, left you tarred and feathered
left you out to fend for yourself in the harshest of weather
you know, deep inside, that
someday it will all be better

                    *-lf-
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
Why do we wait until
'tomorrow' to live?
It is we
who created it --

do not bind yourself to excuses

*-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    July 2 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
i want to lick misery
i want to ****** heartache.
is it possible to hold pain?
to grasp the glass shards
that pierce through flesh;
the edges that cut through
bone and muscle
to make its way to your heart?
is it possible to taste the bitterness
that you've caused me?
my tongue is searching for the sour --
the sting that will help me know
it isn't all in my head.
is it possible to bottle my thoughts?
contain all the memories i have of you?

i don't know if i'd burn them
or bury them between my sheets.

                                      *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
   June 20 2013
Leelan Farhan Dec 2013
Ribs rattling against lungs like skeleton hands
attempting to stop angry ghouls from leaving their
deep & dark place.
But it's no use.
When darkness wants out, darkness will push and
push and push until it's convinced you to let it see the
light of day.
Manipulative, darkness is.
Tries to bargain with you:
"Just a peak - Just a taste and I promise I'll let the
daylight have you."
But it's a graduate from the school of greed and knows
how to pull your ribs open just a little
Just enough for it to crawl up to your throat and
never let go
Not until everything around you is the
mere absence of light

                                       *-lf-
Leelan Farhan Apr 2014
I used to hide out in blankets of ice
behinds walls of steel
reading a book written in his blood.
I used to let his ink seep into my nerves
and down into my spine
dissolving the backbone I once had.

I used to cover the mirror with rose-coloured tape
hoping to shy away from self-loathing
while laughter left my lips in bouts.
I cut my hair, hoping it would cut him out
and grow happiness in its absence.

But then you snuck into the crook of my heart
through the cracks in my skin.
And you saw a body pulsing with more than just blood
more than just flesh and bone and muscle.
You can trace my anger with your eyes
and settle the fear that ignites my bones.
I almost ran away, clutching my brokenness to my
chest but you didn’t let go.
You’re the first to make my tongue bleed with
happiness and melt my ribs into your body.

You taste like sin and smell like trouble
but I’ve never been good enough to care.
And even though I swore I’d never falter over
another man’s face as long as I lived,
all that’s ever been missing
was you.  

                 *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    Sunday April 13, 2014

- this is the first (positive??) poem I've written about someone...
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
B.F Skinner tried his hand at being a novelist before pursuing psychology
- for both a writer and a shrink try to understand the human condition.

*-lf-
© Leelan Farhan 2013
Leelan Farhan Aug 2014
I am as empty as they come
a ship with holes in its floorboards;
life seeps in and out of me, a constant balance of nothingness.
I'm aware of the input, but it slides out from underneath me
before I have a chance to bid it a proper goodbye.

I am as empty as they come
a disillusioned body suffering from disorders of the mind;
a carcass of medication packaged neatly with skin and vacant eyes.

I am as empty as they come:
An abandoned ship,
An abandoned mind,
the disillusioned eyes of the blind.

I am as empty as they come.
But I too,
was once filled to the brim
with heart-pounding vigor.
        
                                      *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
   August 4 2014
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Don’t fall for a poet.
She will build up walls.
She will do anything to stop you
From crawling into her heart
And making a nest,
Making yourself at home.
She will barricade her mind.
You will only be able to read the trickles
That she so wisely chooses.
Don’t fall for a poet because
If she does decide to let you in
She’ll be careful to lock the doors
And sleep with a knife under her pillow
Every night she will wake up in cold sweat
And scribble down words that voice her regrets
Don’t fall for a poet
Because when you wreck the home
You made in her heart
And leave without a word
She will build up walls of iron this time
Don’t fall for a poet
Because her words will haunt you
Don’t fall for a poet
Unless you want to be her muse
Want to feel what it’s like
To be eloquently,
Verbally
Abused

*-lf-
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
day 1
I feel a weight lifting off of my shoulders
I feel clean
I feel alive
I can finally breathe
without you in my life.
No more suffocation
No more mind games
and required resuscitation

day 3
I'm crawling out of bed
and you're trickling
through my ears
and into my head
once again.
The lack of poison in my veins
is making me itch.
I need to hear your voice,
need to feel your touch.
Too much.
I need you too much

day 5*
I'm breathing but I cannot
feel anything.

cycle on/cycle off*
until I tell you everything
this dependency will have to be enough

                                           *-lf-
Haven't written in a while because life's been good and I haven't been thinking of you. But today is a Day 3.
© Leelan Farhan June 19 2013
Leelan Farhan Oct 2013
Open up to me, he says
But inside there is nothing but void
Feel a little, he says
Little does he know
Every word that spills from his mouth
Injects itself into my blood
The anesthetic that numbs my soul
Listen to me, he yells
But all I hear is noise.

They want to fix me
Want to hammer out the perfect girl
To fit into their crumbling little world
-- a doll to beautify their cemetery
their collection of hollowed out bodies.
I may be empty but I’ve already been a token
Too many times.

Let me fix you, they say.
But all they do is break me.
Take more from me.
Let me fix you, they say.
Never once did they ask to heal me.
Try to glue me back together.
I’m already open.
But I was broken into.
Robbed.
Shattered
Hammered.
Invaded.
I’m already open
But you don’t like what you see
I guess it’s not pretty to watch me bleed.
I’m already open.
But you don’t like what you’ve found.
******* away the pain won’t do no good,
So put me back down.
Inject me with your silent poison and
Put

Me

Down.

                                 *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
   Oct 29 2013
Leelan Farhan Sep 2013
They seep into my empty spaces
Blonde hair
Blue eyes
Wrong soul
Right time.
Filling in the gaps.
They leech onto my soul but
what is left for them to feed on?
Carcass and dead bones.
Crows, crows,
That is all I know.

Floating in limbo, they float in
And out.
Into my mouth,
Hands in my hair
Do I let them, do I dare?

They fill the wine glass of my body and mind
with nothing but water.
Only to drink it all and leave me dehydrated
-- fend for yourself, you con, you sham.
You put on, and you put on well.
So be ******* ****** if you please,
Be ****** to hell.
Drink out of the well of misery that you filled.
He emptied your soul and so you went looking
for a replacement.
But these placeholders do nothing but accumulate dust,
Leaving neat little circles when they decide to hit the bin.
And you’re left worse than you began,
-- nothing but a body of sin.
                                  *-lf-
© Leelan Farhan
    September 7 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Dangerous confusion threatens to break the last seam
I'm floating in limbo,
desperate to get out of this dream.
In the blink of an eye you've corroded my mind
Invading my soul;
a lover in disguise.

You've trespassed upon my land,
You've torn down my walls
And yet I offer you my hand
When I should let you fall.

I've been injected with poison
And adjusted to its bitter taste
This heart that once was frozen
Has melted with quick haste

If I leave my throne,
If I let you win
Will you claim my possessions
And leave me drowning in my sins?

Will you trample over my chest,
Will you drown my lungs?
Will you laugh at this mess


                                                                  Oh lord, what have I done.

I have let you in
I have let you win
All that I feared,
Is coming to life.

Standing, I watch my ship sink
And I realize,
We were always at the brink
And I ripped the seam
when I let my heart fall
Now I stand in the r
                                    u i  
                                           ns,
Rebuilding my walls.

*-lf-
feedback is always appreciated!
© Leelan Farhan  November 2012

— The End —