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Leelan Farhan Feb 2014
Vulnerability is crying in public on the bus ride home,
trying desperately to avoid the wandering eyes
only to end up sitting beside a fellow apartment tenant.
Vulnerability is crying hard in front of a (stranger),
only to see them again.
-- that uncontrollable nakedness
Vulnerability is getting your rose-tinted glasses forcefully ripped off your face, exposed,
for what we truly are:
-- human

© Leelan Farhan
   (date unknown, found on a sheet of paper in the bottom of my bag...)
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
This is a ghost town,
filled with ex-lovers
and former friends.

Drowning in denial
Never to see one another

This is a lost town,
where young hearts wander,
desperately clinging to their past.

We push and we pull
Pull and we push
But moments never last.

A forbidden town --
the town of my heart.
The town that closed its gates on you
As soon as we fell apart.

© Leelan Farhan
    June 8 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Stark naked and vulnerable for another’s eyes
You see skin, bone and beating heart
Behind your eyes, I see the dark
© Leelan Farhan 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I’m intoxicated by your scent
I smell you on my skin
Every time I take a breathe
I inhale the aroma of your sin
I feel your fingers on my body
Your lips brushing my neck
I feel remnants of what we were
Dripping in my cold sweat
I’m drowning in this ocean
Tied down by the tension
I’m screaming for change
Just a little attention
I hear my name slip off your tongue
I see the honesty in your eyes
God you make me feel so young
This is what it must be like
To be alive

Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
That even though it is your words that you are penning - your own thoughts, that it’s a friend?

Some sort of company in the darkness, in the empty parts of your life?

That when loneliness drifts into every orifice; seeping into the crevices and crooks in your body, your words are your friends?

When I write, when I see the ink form variations and combinations of those 26 letters, those symbols, I feel as if the answers are staring back at me.

Perhaps not.

Perhaps this is what writers tell themselves to stop them from going off into the deep end; stop Loneliness from truly swallowing them whole.

What do I know.
© Leelan Farhan
    July 15 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
You tried to sculpt me out of white stone
But the Underworld is my comfort zone
Evil is all I'll ever know

You tried to put a crown on me
Made of vines and green leaves
But I've sinned too much to look like Eve

I'm not an angel, no feathers in my spine
You can stick them on with tape
But my scales will still shine

Atë is the Greek goddess of mischief, ruin, delusion and folly.
Shoutout to my friend Monica: I said the line "I've sinned too much to look like Eve" to her and she responded with "sounds like a line out of a song". And so this formed.

© Leelan Farhan
    July 16 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2014
He opened doors to both Heaven and hell
but contradicting conflict is preferable to the purgatory of false confidence.

I numbed my soul with constructions and sudden reality is jarring.
Nobody likes being cut cold turkey
but the way he wipes my tears and touches his lips to mine makes the withdrawal infinitely better than intoxicating fantasies of escape.

(C) Leelan Farhan
       July 5 2014
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
I'm everything you don't understand
a little beauty on demand.
Peel back my damaged skin,
let yourself drown in my blood
-- in my body.
Revel in my flesh,
because you will never touch my thoughts

Even these words that I spin
-- you can only lick them,
taste them,
but never hold them.
Never truly grasp my intentions
-- I keep those in a bottle by my bed
Don't even try to untangle the mess
inside my head.

I'm a catastrophic volcano,
going off from time to time.
Lying dormant, but when I explode
there will be nowhere to hide.

There are demons in my mind
-- demons you will never be able
to find.

Touch me all you want
-- drink in my flesh and bone.
You can take my body,
for it's my thoughts
you will never

© Leelan Farhan
    June 23 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
broken church
sins drowning veins
breathe like silence won’t pull you down
torn dignity spinning you away

                        your body isn’t love

children inhale battered minds
like it’s an inhaler
but it won’t save them
it won’t pull these waves
from my flesh
and stop my little lips
from smiling at death

I dream of your sweat
when we’re entangled

but your thoughts are vile
and my bones don’t need you
broken churches

A little something I threw together using my "words" page; thought I'd put it to use.
© Leelan Farhan
    June 5 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
My bones are weak, my heart is numb
My mind has caged me, I’m coming undone
I’m spiraling into darkness, once again
I’m losing myself, I can already see the end
There’s a dark tunnel, and the light seems to be behind me
All I’m praying for, is for another lost soul to find me
For a heart to hold me, for a hand to guide me
My bones are weak, they break on your command
I can’t seem to determine, whether I want to die on my knees
Or get shot while I stand
Please rip out my heart, cut open my mind
Try to read the fickle thoughts that have been left behind
The barrel is at my throat, I feel the metal against my chin
I thought it was over, but again it shall begin
I’m destined to be insane, to be alone, to die in vain
I don’t need you, I don’t want you
Leave me alone
Leave me
And my bones

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I love the winter
-- oh how I love the cold.
The numbing temperature is morphine to my soul.
Rushing through my veins, turning my blood to ice
A natural drug; my only sense of sanity, my demonic vice
And it frees me.

I love the winter,
and all its melodramatic glamour.
There's a sheen of romantic sadness when church bells clammor
I love the winter;
-- it's when I came out of the Cave.
Saw the Truth for what it was,
and wrote it down page by page.

Leave me with the snow;
I want to hear the church bells
© Leelan Farhan 2012.
Leelan Farhan Jan 2014
They like the curve of my hips,
But not the melody of my voice
God why doesn't she ever shut up.

Love the glow of my face
But not the aura of my mind
She's so **** intimidating.

They like the lines of my lips,
But not my sharpness of tongue.
Does she think she's being funny?

Love the scent of my perfume
But not the courage behind honesty.
One of these days.
One of these **** days.
She's bound to shut up.

They like the curves
They love the lines
Admire every inch of my body.
But they never, ever
Pay attention to my eyes.

(C) Leelan Farhan
       January 27, 2014
Leelan Farhan Nov 2013
I didn't want to put you down in writing
because then I'd have to face the truth.
(I was never good enough for you)

Too distant.
Too removed.
Or maybe I was too close;
no room.

I know.
I know.
I've been through this so many
times before.

I thought that you'd be different.
Well, I thought you wouldn't mind.
But evidently
(I am too much to handle.)
I'm back to spinning
carbon copy lies.

© Leelan Farhan
   Wednesday November 27 2013
Leelan Farhan Oct 2013
Eyes stained black, circled with lack of sleep
all in pursuit of a single letter
When all I've ever wanted in my life was to grow out of my skin
And embed myself into soil and greenery
Push myself beyond possibility
Beyond mere existence
Beyond the confinement of blood, bone and flesh
Towards life itself
Beyond matter and atoms
Towards the intangible
Through words and rhythm
Against the floor
Against my mind
Tapping every confinement hoping one day the walls would collapse
And on days like today
Where my lipstick cannot hold my smile
And my mascara betrays my soul
I feel suffocated by the hands of metal
Tall silver scrutinizing me from above
But I will never cease to push against matter
I'd rather die with my arms broken from effort
Than shrivel up in a body lacking oxygen
I look up at the loving green arms and ask for mercy
For freedom from this artificial purgatory

Leelan Farhan
Oct 16 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
After I speak of you,
my throat burns for days

© Leelan Farhan
    July 3 2013
Leelan Farhan Aug 2013
Clouds collide
releasing lightning
as we touch;
hurling me into
trees as we rumble

© Leelan Farhan
    August 28 2013
Leelan Farhan Aug 2013
You're the cracks in my skin
the blood that I bleed.
You're the carbon dioxide
that I unleash
to stop you
from suffocating me.

You're the pounding in my skull,
the cartilage damage in my knees
slowly ripping life from me,
with no mercy
despite my pleas.

You're Satan's kiss
-- you're a personal death wish.
You are agony
But you're agony that I miss.
                 For when a blind man regains sight,
                                  it's nothing short of bittersweet
                 -- a painless torture technique.

© Leelan Farhan
    August 11 2013
Leelan Farhan Aug 2013
It’s funny that as a writer I trust actions more than words - perhaps it’s because I know they’re used with manipulative intention - they’re meant to bury truth, hide it with sugar-coated, superfluous syntax.
© Leelan Farhan
    August 12 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
In my psychology class this year I read that
lab rats walked over broken glass
starved themselves to near death
and chose to be tortured
if it meant they could receive electric shocks.
And despite my damaged heart
I still yearn for your electricity.

© Leelan Farhan
    June 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Happiness --
it is both a crime and a blessing.
My poetic eloquence fails me
when it seeps into my veins.

I want nothing more than to be
but even more than that, I want
to write again.
I can only write when I'm ****** in darkness and right now, I'm blinded by  light.
© Leelan Farhan
    June 28 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
The rain is coming down like an ocean unravelling,
just like my heart once did for you
-- a tsunami,
a whirlwind of emotion.

Come drown me again,
Come wash me with your voice.

There's a flood
and I think
I think
I may have been in love.

There's a flood
There's a flood
in my mind.

Your words
my thoughts.

There's a flood
and suddenly,

everything is you.
nothing like a little rain for inspiration.
© Leelan Farhan
    July 29 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
How can I let my lifeline be something
so inconsistent?
How can I let my food be a plant that’s
growing season is whenever the sun is out,
in a land where there are clouds more often than not?
I don’t have the lung capacity to hold my breath
when you’re not around.
Cigarette packages are marked with caution signs by law -
I don’t see why relationships don’t come with the same label.
Love me when it conveniences you.
Maybe you won’t love me at all.

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I constantly envision myself swimming through the sea
Where there are sharks incessantly nipping at my feet
Waves crash on over my head, drowning out existence
I try to push, pull over the tide, with great persistence.

But no matter how fast I try to swim,
It seems that the tide always wins.

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Her skull;
sallow and broken -
full of decay
ruined beyond repair.

My first haiku in a very, very long while. Never been too great at these.
© Leelan Farhan
    June 2013
Leelan Farhan Feb 2015
We have buried the (((center))) of our being in layers of rigid hypotheticals,
pouring the cement of impossibility and refusing to drill deeper for
fear of an oil spill, an explosion, the expulsion of a dormant soul.

[If we]
[[If you]]
[[[If I]]]

The taste of a silent stroke on my tongue,
iron from the blood of unhealed wounds.
Metallic memories refusing to be forgotten
fighting to be remembered.

[You fools]
[[You fool]]
[[[I am a fool]]]

The scent of a carcass creeps into my nose,
rotten flesh from a casket broken up.
Frankenstein fears refusing to be mocked,
fighting for resurrection.

Even the bones of ancient species remerge as fossils to be found.

©Leelan Farhan
February 13, 2015
Leelan Farhan Sep 2013
I can feel her creeping back into my blood stream
The anger, she's unravelling again
The veins in my arm are pumping flames I thought I'd put out for good
But you, you've ignited them
Flicked your selfish lighter
I'm on fire
My chest constricting with your apathy
Suffocating me
And slowly
I shrink
Revert back into that girl
Who could not control her affect
Running on a constant adrenaline high
Dear god I'm on fire and I'm praying for someone to put me out

Leelan Farhan
Sept 2 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Your words are hollow
But your eyes fill the void.
- first time trying a 10 worder, not that great.
© Leelan Farhan
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
The anger rushes through my blood like *******,
After all this pain,
Hearing your voice will never be the same.
It courses through me, calm and collected
I try to be, I try to be.
Breathing air like I will never be given oxygen again
And you smile, but I reciprocate with one of pain.
My heart hardens into a stone,
Putting the final brick on this wall that I have built
This wall that blocks emotion; the soul you killed.
The anguish that has tormented me for so long has surfaced,
All neatly packaged into this situation I cannot escape.
And try as I might I can't erase the image of your face.
That smirk that shapes your lips, painted by Deceit
As I stare back my eyes reflect the fury lying beneath
The rage, that has been held back for far too long,
Eager to burst through my veins,
Like a dove waiting to break out into song.
Thoughts of retaliation burn holes in my mind,
Leaving all thoughts of understanding behind
Lies, they dribble through your lips like fine wine.
Blood red and ever so bitter with your insecurities.
The insecurities that are being heaved onto my back
You ****** them against me, trying to make up for what you lack.
But I’m fading; I’m a passing fog that once carried the Sun
And when you finally notice its beauty, I will be long gone.
Written sometime in 2012 in the middle of my philosophy class out of pure anger. I still remember the moment quite well.

© Leelan Farhan 2012
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I just want to cradle you in my arms, in all your brokenness.
Just love you for everything they hate you for.
We can drown in our misery together;
talk about Hell and our plans when we get there.
I’m so filled with n o t h i n g
                   and so are you.
My dear who are you?
I certainly don’t know.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know anything.
But that’s okay; neither do you.
                                                 That’s why I love you.
© Leelan Farhan 2012
Leelan Farhan Aug 2013
I hope that no matter what, I will forever have ink stains on my fingers, and pencil smudges on my wrists
© Leelan Farhan
    August 11 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
And he said:
you are beautiful;
darling, don't be sad."

And even though
he didn't last,
he gave me back
the life
I never had.

I clicked "Write Poem" with the intention of posting something I'd written earlier today, instead, this came out of nowhere.
© Leelan Farhan
    July 15 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
This isn’t a poem about the way your fingers intertwine with mine
Because they’ve never been entangled with another set of hands.
This isn’t a line of prose about your soft lips on my calloused, tired skin
Because only the wind has caressed my body
This isn’t a work of art confessing little sweet nothings that you whisper in my ear
Because the sound of my pen on paper are the only whispers that I hear
This isn’t an elegant post-modern work about the way you wipe away my tears
Because my tears blend into my cheeks, become a part of who I am, moulded into my soul
This isn’t a ******* poem about you,
Because there’s only ever been
© Leelan Farhan
    January 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I was always on my knees for you
but never once did you think of
throwing my legs over your shoulders

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
you can still feel
with a pulse and
© Leelan Farhan
    June 2013
Leelan Farhan Jan 2014
I'm lack-lustre.

I'm the disappointment that emerges from the transformation of a book
that should have been kept confined to print but was forced onto the silver screen anyway.

I lose my shine when I come to life.

©    Leelan Farhan
       January 19, 2013
Leelan Farhan May 2014
She swings upon her crooked pendulum,
her eyes burning with a scarlet fire.
Her white dress cannot mask what I know to be
her deepest and darkest desire.

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
You think I don't believe in the compliments you spin
When it's opening your words
And finding nothing but dust
That causes me to
f a l t e r

Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I want to learn to live again.
Someone teach me how to breathe again.
Inhale, exhale, slow.
No more, no more.
I am not strong.
I cannot hold on.
Much longer.
I want to learn to to feel again.
Someone teach my blood to flow.
Hollow eyes, easy demise.
Going down, going down.
Take my kingdom, take my crown.
Take my head, spin it round.
Smile, smile, they’re looking at you
They’re watching your eyes
They’re watching your moves.
Don’t flinch, don’t break
How much can you take?
You fake, you fake.
My life is nothing
Withering flower
In a fragile state
© Leelan Farhan
    December 2012
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
There's a history of hearing voices
in my bloodline.
And yet I forget what yours sounds like.

I tell myself that it's
better that way.

I'm safe.

I'm safe.

© Leelan Farhan
    July 2 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I tried to drown your memory with his cologne
But when I got home all I wanted to do was *****.
And no matter how many times I wash my clothes
and wash my body
I feel him poisoning my skin.
Even now as I lie broken
from his theatrics
you  still haunt the cemetery of my mind.

Leelan Farhan Jan 2014
Fantasy swirls --
taking over my mind.
I see desire caressing my small silhouette,
except I’m no longer so
s m a l l
I’m larger than life --
larger than the hands of the men
that push me into the earth.

The dreams of my desire grow like moss
all over the stinging thorns of reality.
Circuitry constructs happier versions
of the sad souls that I know --  
the dullness that fills my day with black and white
At night,
my mind comes alive with technicolor brilliance.
But I’m afraid I’m aging in front of desire--
laying myself naked, body wrinkled and deteriorating
in front of dreams that cannot be sparked.
And no matter how hard I try
to ignite reality,
my fantasies have used up all my oxygen, and factuality
has choked itself to death.

© Leelan Farhan
   January 31, 2014
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
You're crushing my bones
with the weight of your tongue.
© Leelan Farhan
    July 21 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
I envy the feathers,

I envy the sea.

I envy the world,

for the world is not


© Leelan Farhan.
    August 30 2011.
written a while ago, but is how I'm currently feeling.
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry that you can’t
Love me.
I’m so hard to swallow
My words are lined with glass shards
My voice is never airy
I’m just a jumbled mess
And I’m sorry
I’m sorry I’m not put together
I’m sorry that I can’t let go
I want to
I’m sorry I won’t break down these walls
But it’s gonna take more than an axe
I’ve already tried that
I’ve tried everything
But I’m trapped
And I’m sorry you can’t love me
I can’t even love myself

I found this in my blog archive. Winter was never my season - all my darkness seems to seep from there.
© Leelan Farhan
    January 2013
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
Fingers wrapped around throat
Words pricking your soul
-- little thorns that ebb into your heart,
into your mind.
The image forever framed in
gothic black;
Hung in an alley of my darkest memories.
                                   "I'm not *******
                                         playing around"

A scene from a movie
-- an extra reel of their life
that I heroically,
stepped into. Only to be told
to *******

We no longer wish to carry the burden
of other lives.
But some things have been ******
within the view of my eyes,
whether I wish to see them, or bid them
                         911, what's your emergency?

I think our souls are falling apart.

some things cannot be unseen, and they leave your mind going around in endless circles.
© Leelan Farhan
    July 22 2013
Leelan Farhan Mar 2014
Life. Eyes. Skin and blood.
Just a little pain
There are always walls
Time. Flesh and tongue.
Voice broken open
Veins bleed
Face away
Hands break
Head drowning
They’ll smile, maybe
He’s oxygen
Black sweat
They die like God
© Leelan Farhan
   March 9 2014
   Just a little something I threw together using the word's page - the abandoned town of my mind.
Leelan Farhan Jul 2013
Maybe we need to see each other bleed again
In order to regain the awe we once held for one another.
I think we need a reminder.

You've embraced me after seeing my tears
And yet now you have no problem igniting them
Releasing them from the side of me you once feared
Have you forgotten the darkness I kept hidden?
This is your reminder.

In case you missed the anger I tried not to unleash,
I'll let it out from its cage to give you a small kiss.
This is your reminder.

The first time I met you I was filled with nothing but hate,
I don't know how I came to love you.
Maybe I need a reminder.

© Leelan Farhan
    July 21 2013
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
My aunt had a yellow Volkswagen Beetle
As bright as her hair, as fierce as her mind
With a sharp tongue, she left every man behind
She thought she could change him
My aunt is the one bearing the scars.
© Leelan Farhan
    May 2013
Leelan Farhan Mar 2014
I should have known
that it would amount to nothing.

- you wanted to dig for diamonds
but I could only ever give you gold
© Leelan Farhan
   March 5 2014
Leelan Farhan Jun 2013
Small wrist
Tight fist
You won’t miss this
My punches,
They aren’t aimed for you
They’re for the walls
The walls that I built
I’ll tear them down on my own
I don’t need you
I don’t need you
I never needed you
It makes me feel alive
I feel it in my veins
It takes the place
Of the bitter pain
It’s better than pain
Anything’s better than pain
My heart,
It’ll make it on its own
It’s lived many lives
It has grown, and grown
And now it’s old
But my body is not fragile
I am not fragile
I refuse to be fragile
Let me feel
Help me feel
Prevent me
Stop me
From hating
What I used to love
What I used to crave
Has brought me to my knees
And I scream, battered,
As I bleed
Pull me from the wreckage
Where are you
Where are you
You’re within me
You’re what I bleed
You’re what I see
You’re what I need
You’re my disease
And I’m just a fiend
You can’t fix me
I’m a fiend
Disgusting disease.

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