i was stone cold,
rock hard.
i hid my heart away
from all acclaimed as worthy
i just had to keep it safe.
i was bitter,
unfamiliar
with a touch poorly displayed.
each time i would encounter you
my interest would evade.
didnt know what i was feeling but
it always felt so strange.
a few hundred light years later
& i think my view has changed...
-
i find myself crumbling at the touch of your warmth,
and in the arms of your embrace
i could weather any storm.
my barriers are breaking,
no room left to escape.
im in the space
where you conditioned
my state,
without credit or mention;
and this feeling that i once built for war
and for tension...
now has my attention.

a perfect dance
within a timely rise & fall.
a conscious play,
within the nature of
the all supreme creation;
where destiny & desolation,
they merge.
-

she was cautious once,
cared only for who thought what...
now she shuts out insults
& shouts out impulse
after stutter-stepping on egos
& silently expanding mental space.
-
its those quiet ones you should beware of
...or run from.
if you see danger as threat,
you might want to turn your necks
or turn yourself inside out.
i promise.

Monday is a struggle in itself, how treacherous she is, so unpromising..
Tuesday is just another day.. i try to get through but when you're losing hope its hard to even.. exist..
Wednesday is my least favorite day, im just waiting for Friday to get here.
Thursday, by the time he's here my existence is about ready to just fade away into the darkness that is similar to my spirit.
Friday is here, this is what ive been waiting for.. glasses full of whiskey as i try to numb the pain and as im half way through the only thing im able to do is remember you.. the very thing i am trying to forget.
& then Saturday comes, and i try again.. you know, it never works out but im not giving up! til the day i can drink glasses of whiskey and get inebriated without pouring out my heart halfway in  because i miss you! i live for that beautiful day.
Sunday... oh isnt this great? one day before Monday and i start all over again.. the process.. its eating away at my soul & i dont know how much longer i can do this

i find perfect peace in lalochezia ..
your being is selcouth,
this piece is adoxography to the world
but everything to me.

darling you drowned me so deep in lust,
i started to believe that it was love..
i sit by the ocean in the night time as if i am a paralian,
listening to the most peaceful sound that is the waves roaring..

the horror of my desolation,
seems to be washing away at the sound of the ocean..
i never want to leave this place.

i suffer eremophobia,
i just need us to move..
we cant stay here, we have to leave,
this is torture.

i dream of rasasvada,
i dream of apanthropinization.
le mot juste.

everyday a new beginning,
clean slate.
a new direction,
a new chance to re-create.
to re-focus,
re-direct.
bring the growth back in effect.
re-consider
and protect,
re-claim grace.

each day i struggle to stay alive;
the war inside of me has outstayed it’s welcome.
the ghost of my past derides every step i make.
so needy.
always seeking attention
still
you never have anything to offer,
but you hold high the audacity to take all that does not belong to you.
like happiness.
you see me smiling and bombard my concious mind with a million reasons why i don’t deserve to smile.
i have been trying to silence you but i am finding that there is no silencing.
you exist for a reason i may soon understand.
without you
i may never understand.

she’s too strong,
she’s too much,
she’s too tough to love.

she’s too hard,
she’s too broken,
she’s not enough.

she’s imperfect,
she’s wild,
she’s lost in the wind.
she’s insane,
sending signs of chaos from within.
-

'the girl that cant be loved',
found love within herself
& now she loves.

a certain glisten in her eyes,
like a star fallen from skies.
an orchid bloomed in place of heart,
she stands alone,
she stands apart.
a phenix driven by the waves among the sea.
so many parts you cannot see,
a mystery.
a vignette art,
so rare,
nobody else can be.
consists of magic
to fulfill,
your fantasy.

at the sound of a click,
that is lighter releasing flame
to ignite my insane nature of psyche.
-
with the ground rolled up,
i keep searching for height
and i keep finding it...
-
though,
im afraid
ill lose my way
back down to earth.

a stoic queen;
the one you only
see up close in dreams.
so rare,
& so esteem.
so powerful,
& so supreme.
-
keep the mind open,
& the doors closed.
you can’t enter in
the temple of the black rose.
too much drama,
you can’t enter
til you’re composed.
yes i know,
all things that glitter
really ain’t gold.
& all the slick attempts,
the slick intent,
intricate men,
your game is tired.
-
if you enter,
then you enter
at your own risk.
a stingy genie,
she may only
grant you one wish.
hard to please,
she’s seen it all,
hard to reach,
no mating call.
this is the land of no men.

"this is not to say that i wont ever feel anything for anyone, ever again.. but i will avoid everything i feel for anyone.. at all cost!" *

2 years.. left me broken, insecure, lost.
you tried to pick up the pieces but you failed.. was it my fault? was i too much of something too broken?
i knew i was.. & i warned you. you persisted.
my biggest fear has always been opening up to someone because in the end, i am left alone. by myself. where i started.. but with each time, the temperature drops and it leaves my heart a little bit colder than before.
i told you my fears, i made attempts to clarify my actions.. all you needed was time, i made time out of the little energy i had left..all i needed was time yet you didn't have that.
far from ready, i ignored what i felt in preparation to fix myself because i valued all that you seemed to be.
i was willing and even tho trust has gotten me nowhere and my mind kept reminding me how unloveable i am.. i still dropped all doubt, to fall freely into the words you spoke to me while at my lowest point.
you saved me above all else..
you made me realize how much i didnt realize.
but even tho at that point you made me feel so high, somehow you left me feeling lower than before.
now of all the things i realized, what i realize most is words are a waste. they sound good, and they seem essential but all they really bring is false hope and they channel feelings that are not backed by actions.
now, i dont hear anything.. words fall on deaf ears.
whatever is spoken is dismissed by my fears.

i dont wanna be like them;
miserable,
losing touch with who i am.
losing hope
more and more as the days go by.
living a lie.
i dont wanna be lost,
searching for something thats not there.
i wanna be here
with no worry or fear
of whats to come next,
or whats never to come.
i dont wanna be broken
by words left unspoken.
i wanna be whole,
in tuned with mind,
body,
spirit
& soul.
i dont wanna be just another being
living to die,
living to buy,
questioning why.

waging war through winds,
no sign of stillness in the distance...
spewing words as clear as day,
"change your ways"...
its been far too long
you’ve stood stagnant in fear.
watching creation fall apart by the hands of you
and all who claim to be who they are not.
humble yourself…
-
shifted poles,
forget the old and start anew.
your life was spared,
do you know why?
do you know who?
i feel her pain,
i know her name,
we have stolen her heart.
we have reached the point of desolation,
get on your mark.

the school of ancient slave teachings,
disregard the 'negus'.
nothing new has came for ages,
& the land withers beneath us.
-
no leaders,
just teachers following a script,
unfit.
the youth are help-less
& they need us.
-
my 3 year old daughter
said she wants to save the "new-world";
we're all here on a mission
& im lost for words.

i know that you're happy...
most days.
& i know that you're cautious
looking out,
both ways.
i see that you're focused,
on a path,
you seek wealth.
& i know that these days you rarely feel like yourself.
i know that you're human
& if not human then,
i know that you were here long enough
so you're conditioned
to the nature of the human &
humanly conditions.
i know that your position makes it hard to go slow,
im listening and watching all the actions you show.
a glimpse of where you can go,
and where you can grow.
i see you,
i know
that i cant judge a book by its cover
or by another.
& i know we're distant by ages,
i know i cant predict the story
by only reading two pages.

when vision forms genuine,
pointed fingers become magick wands.
knots within backs
& stiff joints show up to be new levels that advise you
to stretch out to new growth.
-
trap music became sacred space.
like sounds of potential world endings,
like thunderstorms speak in ancient language,
how far have we strayed?
how much farther might we go?
-
in this age,
platforms with distraction as incentive
aid in focus & ascension,
how is that for a plot twist?
the tables turned;
now the mesh at the neck of the sun one
is melting just like ice in frozen habitat.
-
as we evolve in specie,
the dark is rising.

there's more to life than back-rubs,
hip smacks
and arm tugs.
so much more than tongue kisses,
one nighters
and catfishes
who claim to love.
-

limited knowledge,
primitive logic.
the hidden secret known by the mystics and prophets.
subconsciously conscious,
you are the great creator.
there is no system thats greater.
the living product of your maker.
its a mind thing.
the silver lining lies within the aligning of your design.
your mere awareness is a sign.
see everything revealed in time.
-

softness from my womb,
radiate throughout my being
and as abundant energy,
i rise,
kundalini.
-
who knew as wander left to linger
a bit too long,
a certain purpose would find me urgent and in need of searching.
a sudden need to be felt has reached peak,
ive reached ends at wit
so i leak
and i wreak a stench of
mystery.
come find me.

is it so strange to want nothing so badly
that you think long and hard to solely serve others?
are you at such complacency with your own being
that you desire of only nothing more than
setting inspiration free by word of mouth
or words at one click of a keyboard,
on someone else’s behalf.

from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.

days go by fast,
nights never last.
lonely comes,
lonely goes.
we think we know
but no one knows.
we get caught up in the spur of moments,
we know the only thing we have is a moment.
-
no future promised,
lets be honest,
lets appreciate whats here.
before we lose it all,
lets make the most of what we share.
lets love and care.
so reckless,
and without resisting
in honor of a love within our very existing.
-
less thought,
whats meant to be seen will show.
less worry,
when you see it you'll know.
lets grow,
lets go beyond the point of modern day love.
lets lose ourselves,
a great escape beyond the modern day, love.
-
cliff dive,
head first from the highest of heights.
create the highest of highs.
amongst the heavenly skies that cheer us on.

it’s hard to love the way you’re expected to love,
when you’re not like everyone else..

i show my love in odd ways,
ill show you more on odd days.
one day it’s good,
then things are strange.
each day is different,
no two the same.

i see that it’s tiring,
it can be so confusing.
but i want you to win,
& if it’s not me then you’re losing.
if it’s not me,
who you choosing?

nothing good comes easy,
so don’t give my love away.
i know it’s hard but please believe me,
it gets better by the day.
can I be the only one that plays a part?
the only one that has a key
that can open up your heart?

i pray for you each day,
i hope you always find your way.
& you fulfill all of your dreams.
you see it’s more than what it seems,
i speak peace into your life.
whether you’re wrong or you are right.
i will always be by your side,
if you let me.
ill give you all i got,
if you let me.
nothing lasts forever but we can last forever.
we can take the world together.
Bonnie & Clyde.

if i don't get sunlight,
or some kind of something to keep me going;
ill stop,
dead,
in the middle of everything.
-
more still than the world in 2020.

be not influenced by the forces that try to dim your light.
your dna consists of forces that demand you shine bright.
don’t you ever play small,
though sometimes you may fall.
get back up & keep going,
the world needs you.

so
there’s this guy
unlike any other guy.
he’s never hurt
or made me cry,
he’s always nice,
he’s always sweet.
but
we have yet to
meet or greet.

he was a mystery in himself,
allowing me to have no trace of an idea of how he felt..
i was kind of mystery too, but the kind that if you got close enough you could easily find clues to whatever you were unsure of..
sometimes i wondered.. if behind closed doors he felt the way i did..
did he obsess? did he shed a tear? was he still awake at 4am?
of course he wasnt.. i was in this alone, werent i?
was it only me shedding the tears that burned my skin in the most beautiful way possible? was it only me obsessing over the things i would say & the things i wouldnt?
i believe it is only me..
but you know, i dream of a time where both he & i can feel the same unique feeling of love & bliss for one another, at the same time..
on the same level..
and for all the right reasons i have hope!
hope that he too will shiver at the wrath of my touch,
hope that he will open up to me enough so that even if i wanted to destroy him.. i would have the power to.

you might catch me slipping,
ever so slightly.
you may slide by
or slide in,
and i might lose focus.
-
clocks ticking til the moment i awake from this slumber,
til this naive,
way too easy,
no give but take,
let's up.
-
i can *******,
like i can ******* up in the head,
but ill use you for my rituals instead.

when its all said and done baby,
what was there to hold onto?
empty promises and lies?
i bet my passion still haunts you..

i bet my soul still makes you nervous,
i bet my voice still lingers in the deepest parts of your body..
like a disease spreading through your veins,
& i hope it never ends..

you will always remember me,
you will always miss me..
when you try to build something new,
with someone new,
all that you think you have will crash and burn..

everything you think youre creating,
will be diminished
& whatever little piece of happiness you find,
will die a slow death..

you will try to find someone like me
someone better than me but,
sorry dear..

uncertain statements,
unshaved reactions to
unthought of movement;
its silly to think that nothing you do holds affect.
-
its a reason why you'll silence your mind
then ramble on again
through means of another source...

you're 500mph,
where does it lead you?

ive been brooding,
lurking your pages,
thinking of how we would conflate so well..
do you think of me?
do you ever ask yourself, "does she exist?"

i admire your cynosure.
& i hope my eloquence impresses you.
will we ever be?
erstwhile.. maybe

im tired of relationships that are evanescent,
so when you get here, will you be here awhile?
i will imbue my love in you..
it'd require you to have interest in a non-ingénue being.
a being so brilliant that you will start to question your soul and the size of your crown, my King.

you will not become jaded,
inure,
for i am a Queen of lagniappe.
i will have you twisting and turning at the quakes of my soul..

is your mind as beautiful as mine?
is your soul as deep?
can we be panoply, i hope.
can our love be sempiternal..

*wherewithal of our love.