like the scars from the cuts to my wrists with razor blades, the deciders of my fate, these emotions are faint.. but still here.

wether black or white,
dark or light
energy sees no separation.
nothing is different in the eyes of love.
we come from love.
we come from one.
no different colors,
no different races.
no judging beauty
based off of faces.
we are just one small part of creation,
take a look around you.
it is not all about you.
and it’s you;
you are the one whose destroying the earth.
you are the one thats decreasing in worth.
it is you whose so entitled,
fake egos
and fake idols.
you see nothing but yourself.
you are the ones that brought the hell.

its like all words turn to tear drops
in attempt
to introduce shallow to depth.
my excuse is deep sadness,
what's yours?
-
since my contributions are unsteady like the grounds i walk,
id rather not give nor take.

you.
like an inconsistent phase.
you either love me timelessly
or leave me aching for days.

the universal forces are seeking revenge.
with energies so violent,
they are here to avenge
the dying hearts.
strung out like an addict,
with scars that depict
abuse and oppression.
with raging aggression,
biting back like i should have.
fighting back like i would have if it werent for the daze,
now the love spell has fade.
nice to meet you,
im karma.
counting all of your days.

from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.

11:11,
with heads to the heavens
i preach words of the holy one
like i am a reverend.
i speak words into the universe,
i am aware & i know,
that my faith is decider
of how far i go.
my mind is a weapon,
my love is a drug,
my soul has the depth of the oceans.
my creator accepting,
sends love from above,
bringing all the good vibes into motion.

journal pages have no desire to debate,
so we relate
& resonate.
-
i contemplate before i seal,
i get to 'feel out' how i feel
& set the vibes
that bring reality alive.
-
so, like i think before i speak,
i write.

the sound of your voice lingers through my body at midnight;
and your smile is an image my mind cannot erase.
i keep checking my phone to see if i missed a call from you.
i still dream of you.
i still pray for you.
im still wishing on a star that it could all just work out.

would you put off moments for a later date?
would you let mud settle,
await the clearing of mental state?
would you avoid desirable connectings
until the ideal space appears
before your eyes?
you would?
so will i.

"see that's your problem,
you don't know of who your god is.
although, i've seen you with my own eye
face demons & conquer them while blind;
while sacred energies turn you inside-out,
as curses fall from words of mouth
by who claimed worthy of your grace & your submission.
ive seen you pose as weakest link,
then switch position.
-
see, there’s no problem now,
i realize who god is."

mind games played by the hands of self
teach me how
i am my own boulder caught still in my own way.

i am deep in relations
with a deeper meaning;
familiar to a larger view
of a picture that most
can only see a spec.
so when i’m distant
don’t you take it
as a form of disrespect,
or neglect.
my space
is required,
my ability to function
is in compliance with
my ability to be silent.
in solitude
i confide and
they say no man is an island,
i am an island,
isolated.
separated.
never to be integrated.

as masculine energy rises,
counter-parts are threatened
& then the wheel of the ego
is clenched tight;
because how dare you act within your nature of whole,
you feminine,
all divine,
all being?
-
who gave you ***** to bounce folk up out of your space
as if they don’t align?
who gave you lines?
who gave you ability to set standards?
better yet,
who gave you feet to stand firm in your truth?
to be stand-offish?
or at a stand-still.
who?
-
"control your yang,
tame your beast."
said those whom fed the same beast when it served them most.

"this is not to say that i wont ever feel anything for anyone, ever again.. but i will avoid everything i feel for anyone.. at all cost!" *

2 years.. left me broken, insecure, lost.
you tried to pick up the pieces but you failed.. was it my fault? was i too much of something too broken?
i knew i was.. & i warned you. you persisted.
my biggest fear has always been opening up to someone because in the end, i am left alone. by myself. where i started.. but with each time, the temperature drops and it leaves my heart a little bit colder than before.
i told you my fears, i made attempts to clarify my actions.. all you needed was time, i made time out of the little energy i had left..all i needed was time yet you didn't have that.
far from ready, i ignored what i felt in preparation to fix myself because i valued all that you seemed to be.
i was willing and even tho trust has gotten me nowhere and my mind kept reminding me how unloveable i am.. i still dropped all doubt, to fall freely into the words you spoke to me while at my lowest point.
you saved me above all else..
you made me realize how much i didnt realize.
but even tho at that point you made me feel so high, somehow you left me feeling lower than before.
now of all the things i realized, what i realize most is words are a waste. they sound good, and they seem essential but all they really bring is false hope and they channel feelings that are not backed by actions.
now, i dont hear anything.. words fall on deaf ears.
whatever is spoken is dismissed by my fears.

they say im so silent.
i say no one ever listens anyway..

9 to 5,
i survive.
i don’t live but im alive.
i still give though im deprived.
-
i hold my head high,
& keep my dreams low.
my talents are like secrets,
no one can know.
-
more money in the clubs,
more money on materials.
more money on more money,
still we lack.
it’s irreal.

does a door have a lock?
are the walls even up
or high enough to comprehend what's beyond?
is anyone up there?
-
intertwining,
like healthy attachment;
mind seems empty handed yet still full continually.
who needs love anyway?
what is love anyway?
does love will to ease the tension,
where do words come in question?
-
run on sentences paint never ending stories of mine;
where i contemplate lines,
go out of mind,
& far enough in time to keep me vibin' high atleast...
-
i keep secrets far enough to keep me center,
i dont keep secrets more than anyone keeps guard.
whatever coin i flip,
im in process of aligning to destiny,
no questions
& if i question then that question is but an idea.

fuller lips,
thinner thighs  
or thicker hips,
a girl can dream,
can she?
dreams that go beyond a following increase  
or a modern day feast consisting of eats that deplete
your center.
-
what might you do without your central processing unit?
how will your intuition guide,
where will the universe have space to assist in your alignment?

im filled with god-energy,
im moving with the speed
and the seeds ive been sowing
are harvesting and growing.
my true colors are showing,
im gleaming,
glaring,
        glowing.

the feeling of being close to you
ignites a special flame that’s within me.
like no one else ever could,
you tap into a deeper part of me
that has yet to be exposed.
no matter what,
you will always hold that place.

just yesterday i saw myself as shadow,
like i thought id never see up close;
too busy running from ghost
like spirit guides ain't qualified enough to lead me nowhere.
-
like to realize that i am nothing
& to nothing i must return
was washed clean from every story ever written…
are you asleep?
-
3 hours of rest is like reset these days.
as i arise i watch the blessings pervade my space
& lift my chin to keep my head high
& way above the thought of what to do.
-
what do i do with my hands or my heart?
what do i do with these emotional cycles of digging deep,
in search of truth that show me love
& show me why my feelings take me
into deep, dark acts of energy exchange.

like i am hot or cold,
like i am white or black,
like some gleam in abundance
and others form a lack;
i am either
elated
and ecstatic
or drowning in a sadness,
either dancing with the angels
or travelling the madness.

stillness,
without movement,
without willingness to go anywhere.
=

where i am from
ignorance is like a crown
worn ever-so proudly,
and detriment like softened blows
taken ever-so mildly.
       there is foolish pride here,
       there is no one to guide here.
everyone just cries
& complains all the time
& i guess it’s in the nature
of the poor
unconditioned minds.
i guess it’s what you do
when you know of nothing else.
i guess it’s what you do
when you know nothing of ones self.
i am of the few
that knows just what to do,
but if you are not popular
in society view
then who are you?
you do not matter.
they do not hear the words you say,
but it is fine
just save yourself,
they’ll see you tried to help
some day.
some day too late.

i don’t see a dying earth;
i see everything we need to make our hearts pure,
define our tears,
dismiss depression
and wipe out fears.
i see that the most ancient sources connect us to the divine truth that is waiting patiently on the day that a dying humanity pauses for a moment to acknowledge,
show appreciation
and remember.
-
it’s not the world that has gone to ****,
it is the culture that has inhabited it.
there’s not a problem that we cannot see a solution to
it just depends on the window that you are looking through.
there’s not a god up in the sky,
a god of earth
you wonder why
made in its image,
you and i.
-
we hold the change that we so solemnly seek.
you think it’s gone cause
it’s been buried so deep.
but if you do a little digging,
search beyond your common mind
you’ll find your light,
uncover truth
&
see you’ve got to trust the signs.

it felt so good to feel nothing at all.
it felt so good to be alone,
in a world of my own.
im never searching for an answer,
yet always chasing my frustration.
& although i move a bit too fast,
i always find myself coming back..
to myself.
sometimes im running,
sometimes im too caught up to move an inch.
today im cashing in bad luck and pleading for a clean slate and
tonight ill be moving full-speed,
hunting fear under the moonlight.

who knows what tomorrow holds..

non-existent stillness,
making a mess of my psyche.
playlist of memories on shuffle
but i think my shuffle button is broken.
losing hope like a needle on carpet,
trying to hold on before it drop it.
trying to stay sane and in the moment.
am i really back to being sober?

seek you first,
you are the kingdom of god
and righteousness is yours to keep.

i am here
& i am plugged into the aether,
get it?
just let your pride & your ego be your teacher.
-
there are no lies
& there lies no interest in staging moon-landings so
there is no way to erase my foot-print from surface of potential being,
i am being.
i am here.
can you hear me?
living energy,
beware if you get near me.
just stay clear me.
-
are we living?
are we jivving?
are we giving?
are we so afraid of light that we wear sunscreen
to keep out energy from source with source info & light codes
to keep you vibin’…
i keep attracting light beings now we tribed up & we thriving.
-
what do you bring to the table? & if you can,
are you able to make this short & sweet
as time is money
& money looking scarce these days.
not being funny get your coins up tho.
this raw material.

though the cracks in me are obvious,
& i sometimes fall apart.
i accept all of my brokenness,
though i’ve lost pieces of my heart.

what broke me, made me stronger.
it hurt but i gained hope.
gave me tools to last much longer.
i’ve found it was what i needed the most.

mind,
body
and
spirit.
the all-encompassed trinity.
from 1 came 2,
and from 2
came divinity.

you must be real hefty;
you broke free of a love that gripped so tight.
a love that held on with dear life.
a love that saw no wrong or right.
won’t let you go without a fight.