I fit in my body pretty great,
    but not so much in my brain

I am a villain in somebody’s story
Multiple perhaps
more than likely

And that is excruciating.

I wish I could’ve done right by every single one of them

    So every indention of me left brings only warmth

you confirmed all of my horrors
when you said you can't touch me sober

i've finally learned how to tighten my throat

and still let the air go

I used to turn my brain off for days
But now I think in waves
Incessant slideshows


of you

You may not have those crooked teeth,

But I still wonder
Is there somewhere


You can meet                

              me?

I could blame it on many things
Like the sounds I make in the morning
The people I’ve faithlessly broken
Or that I’m impossibly weak

I could blame it on the inadequacy or
How much that I drink

Anything other than the truth in these seams
Anything other than the fact that
I’m sure about you

And you’re not sure

About me.

I’m angry with the people who diseased my brain
I’m angry with myself for being weaker than the pain

I said I wouldn't write about you
                                                            b­ut who am I
           to strip myself of what makes me live
in art I've surfaced my own sins

                                                           ­                      and some of yours.
                                                          ­                                         I suppose

I've taken space you've asked of me
                                                     needing to blockmyface
                                                     ­                    whenyouonceplaced
           my name into your skin

in a quiet champagne trip and
                                                    Gold
indente­d ribs

                                          Take a sip.

If it's "poison" that touches your lips

                                  THEN you could've skipped
                                                         ­              dipped
                                                          ­             flipped   me onto the piles of rubbled                   glass
torn from your walls
placed carelessly cornered or left simply to fall
                                                            ­                                       switched in
flip

some contorted reverse
                                            though my heart refuses to pin you as
                                      Perverse
     when these colors emerged


Two Years of swells i Chose to forget
                                                  each time that i stayed when I knew

i should've left.
When Everybody told me                      Better was Mine
                                       I wouldn't give in to believe that your heart was
                     Unkind.

From the moment I knew I'd clutched your stairway-ed arms
to
                 Ease My Ailing,
sweaty palms in driver-ed cars
Kermit Ruffins and philly beer bars
roller coasters, Christmas lights
                           endless pen-streamed journaled binds
An unopened book
                         pages still blank
                  more than a stitch to ease the pain of your name

   though i mustn't Complain
                                                        ­             ...and I still can't Rejoice

But I'll watch the sunrise through Uncommon windows
              trace folds of your fingers -- sweet struggled wake on your pillow
                            and dance foreign waltz in clipped black-wig nights
           plated sweet nourriture to watch your delight

Watch you dance decorated as I set in Pride
                                hold me to standards --yet bend when I'm Right

Speak to me softly in quiet teared nights
         tell me I'm beautiful when femininity cannot find
                                                            ­                                                 me
Drape me in curtains of love and Security
        Fit so Securely in the curves of my body

Smile in shyness--like absence of tongue
                as your cheeks lift to hide your eyes
                                                            ­                                  in thin rungs

Gold plates of your stomach and skin over hips
           saying my name through pleasurepursed lips
Pounding the pavement in carouseled times
  
not only Read, but Returned all my rhymes

The fortress is daunting
                     I'm brooding and swift
Sometimes the brick slips but the flips never Switch

So if russe folk dances and stealing lost tea
                     causes your coldness, just slightly, to bleed
                                       Remember what I did
                                                             ­                     --to, your troubles, ease
                               Don't say for this new year I didn't
Prioritize your Needs
                                       MARRY THEM, by all of all means
i never pushed you to choose, instead, me

I've learned my doors close,
       i woke to realize
                                             when those i thought open I faced and
                                                                ­  denied

because nothing matches the pulses and start
                  --the warmth in my chest when your palms
                                                                ­                                 press my heart

that's why with your Run i cannot understand
           feelings and highs
                                                           ­            unsustainable lands
I never demand     -       I never imply

                        but im also neverwrong
   and i can't shake  

                                                        ­                                         You and I.

they ask me what my pain feels like,
i say not everything feels like something else

i feel about you the way i feel when i wake up from a good dream:
it wasn't real, i just wanted it to be

I am okay
it's just extremely ambiguous
              
              A word that holds just as many different meanings as there are languages in the world

i've heard almost every tongue i've encountered use it
           it means the same thing to us all
           it means everything all at once

Am I okay?

I still claw through dense sadness
I still dwell on impenetrable pain
                   I still mask wells of fiery anxiety -- ripping the pit of my stomach
                 I question the validity of my own feelings
    I struggle desperately to heal
                                                                       I'm trying, truly
I'll keep trying.


Because I am okay, I really am.

                                               I'm just within several definitions of that dangerously ambiguous word.

i keep my room tidy, so they'll think of me kindly
when they come for my things.

it's so easy to be with you,
laughing in your bed.

it's so easy to imagine I never left

"your brain is so colorful
                          look how your style has changed
you bring light to the darkness
                       and beauty from your pain"

and words lack in meaning
      but these i can see
                                        they dance to my ears
and ease
                         my bleeding

if you don't think about me,

how'd you do it?

I thought you said we are a team,

       I’m for you, and you’re for me


but teams are made of players,

                          so I guess I should’ve seen.

alone isn't so lonely
when I'm working on me

where to begin?
                                                     not this **** again
            the constant deliberation
                                                    ­                 your harsh beration

is that even a word?


I wouldn't know, you're not here to correct me


But I'll still prostrate myself before you
Never imply, never implore you
to swallow the pride I so eminently taste
on the tip on your tongue in the flames of your space

for I articulated immensely and pure,
I've no pride left -- I've already tried to say

                                   that I Miss You

In the olive branch of thought, or concern, or encouragement


The snicker on your lips at the edge of the cord
Has snapped in my face, in a favored exchange
You say I don't owe you
But maybe I do?
I couldn't tell you why

                                                       I'll still say I Miss You

Chuckle in my face
                                            say I'm looking too hard
when half passed a year, and I saw that you star-        -ted
to write in the place I hold dear to my heart
You played where you meant and you knew these parts

I would puzzle together would puzzle my head
to ensure that your seed had been planted and fed

And I hate the feeling you put in this trough
                             I'll lap at the puddle, still claim that is

All Love.

                        You forget that I know you
From that you can't hide
                         You forget that I know the shake in your voice
When you lie

                                                         Despite your uncanny ability still,
This hostility doesn't suit you
                                         Not that I think that I will
change that as of late.


I just wish you could swallow that burdened mind
The one with the Pride?
The one you never tried

                                                     to combat or control
because control is a need


I see that , I know that ,              so control what you please


But no more, not me
It's me.
It is me.

Can you not at all, remember it's me?

Not a burden
A binding
An obligation "back home"

No pressure
No lectures
Just a box of our notes.

The snipping aversion proceeding the kind
Doesn't look good on you,

I've reached and I've tried.

So I'll favor this favor, because my heart's cured --

Unbandaged,
         I'll tell you I Miss You
                                                          once more.





                                 this time try to
Be honest with me.

i'm sad
but i should walk my dog



so only one of us is sad.

I remember us, the sorry way we slept
        the last night in my bed

The pictures of us hung from briars in my chest
    a nest
                     of infidelity
            uncertainty

Not to another but to a forgotten version

                   of us

for which the other was not
  
                              enough

you sped up my heart,
only he had since turned

when lying with you, I felt not steady  
                               hurt..

I forgot I was sick
I forgot I was his

or his
                      or his  
                                             or his

I'm so scared of this and these following words,
because now to that list, I might have to add

a "her"

so holding on to loose-knit limbs held only by the thought
That maybe one day your own gates

will not be iron wrought

sense is nonsensical
the way i stretch my fabric legs across concrete
                                         man made
synthetic                and                        septic

the trees blow in the breeze
                      beyond me
there's no pattern to the sway
though it makes sense
                                               in a way

sense is nonsensical
and i wish i could release the weight of my brain
drift into the wind with the tree's sway
if i'm lucky,

                         forget my own name

ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow

"Why can't we ever see eye to eye?"

Of course not, everyone's a different height

what if i don't miss you?

                           what if i just want to leave this place?

Do you ever forget
That the sky is
Blue?

Do you ever spend days in foggy sun-streaked rays
Looking up but never at

or out

Only through?

Do you ever forget that the sky is blue?
When every day is clouded with premonition
fear
                          and feelings of feigned
                                                         ­                                solitude?

Amidst robotic promenades
Of errands, chores,
And soulful fraud
I sat on a bench backed concrete wall
And watched the viscous raindrops Fall
And remembered that the Sky was
          
Blue.

Not today or maybe even yesterday
the day before,
I'll never be sure
For fear has pained this green earth in shades of grey
And harmful lures
of Worry

                         Fear

                                           Ineptitude

                                                     ­               Loneliness

                                      ­                                                Harmfulness
     ­                                     Judgement

Pride
           ­                                                                 ­        Resentfulness

                         Self-Righteousness    

                                         ­                          Inadequacy    

                           Doubt          
      
         Despair

                                            Despair.


T­oday I remembered that the sky was

Blue.


I saw its reflection in my core
through Rain streaked Windows on
the hospital floor
When predetermined action broke
To a soft sound of clarity, pity roars

So quietly in the corners of my eyes

And quick flash movements of Demons
on the edges of my vision
Gave way to one epiphany of a lost
nameless Religion
Where I sat encompassed warmly
by the chilled slate concrete walls
Match my footprints to the tile
And gave into some strange call

I spent duration in this space
Though hardly past half five
And returned blurred grey slate edges
In the spare divide

I hold on to that shade of Blue that
faintly caught my eye
In times of strife and noire held
tears
Remembering to fight

On foggy days of rain and haze
The purpose in which art
I'll softly pound on hollow chests,
reminding them to start

The shades of grey that dominate
the lost lack luster living
Are highly favored in my fears
Of failure and Oblivion


Remember me
Remembering
The vision in the glass
Clear yet seared in steaks of Fear,
threatening to crack

Don't set up camp in aimless
stance
away from rationality
don't succumb to worldly moods
that are always
                           painted
                                               black.

Especially on rainy days in lightning thundered
views
Grasp firmly to what sparks your heart
And remember that



The sky is blue.

I'm sorry I didn't
Come through again
I'm sorry under my breath
faced away from you

Curt and swift reply
A jaded kiss
wondering why I have to be like this

My god I really ****** up
How can I not have seen
His poison sinks into my lips as I lay
writing
I warned him of my vacant lies,
My tasteless, cryptic scars
I should've help my passions near
And loved him from afar

Now all I see through open eyes
Unfocused in the dark
Is his crooked smile I wish he knew
Reflected my crooked heart.

if jesus died for a passion
why can't i?