it was on the coast
wind in my hair
sand in between my toes.

waves crashing effortlessly
on the eroded rocks and boulders.

in and out in and out
with rugged consistency
like a memory that claws its way
back into my subconscious.

my consciousness ebbs and flows
like the waves i hear and feel
enveloping myself in their caress
of sweetness and salty warmth.

a field of green
a heap of *******
that piles and piles and reaches towards the stars
a piece blown away in the wind
aloft on the air
higher and higher until I can no longer see
it's shape.

a memory lost to the wind of the waves
to the air of the green of the field
the grass beneath my feet
as i cry into the silence.

i know that empty space
the hologram earth she inhabits
in what could have been
what never was
a hollow heaviness of
that excruciating longing
a waterfall of curses falling from
her lips and disappearing
into that yawning chasm
that consumes her until
she is no more than a shell containing
a love she can't let go of
for without the full weight
of her entirely spent body is
the only force which keeps her yearning
pinned to the ground
stationary
real
a love she can reach out and touch
and fuse with it until it is impossible
to disentangle her very being
from a made-up
idealized love that somewhere in her mind
burns brightly
and casts dancing shadows on
the walls of her minds
scenes of his closeness
the feeling of his palm cupping her face
melting

and it is more than that warmth
that gushes forth from
her chest as he holds her
she's bleeding on his shirt
and she imagines her red blood cells
setting into the fabric
the stain of her existence to be carried
forever
on his lapel

how she heard the people sing
but could they have known
that this entire business
the fighting
and revolution
had nothing to do with
politics or some
misplaced surge for justice
the fight was for her freedom
to solidify her shadow world
where she belonged to him

and somehow as she pulls
her last breaths
and watches her blood stain
spread and spread
she wished to consumed him
his kiss on her face
lingered forever
her final memory
the epitaph on a tomb
that represented the ultimate freedom.

if words are life
then are all their
permutations
all 77
different words for fear
just shadows
smoke
of memories
which have crawled
out of me
and found a life in the mirror
with its gilded frame
tarnished
with the trail of destruction
bodies
piling up and up and up
towards the sky.

having these shadow creatures
living in the mirror
coming out to play
tic tac toe
eeny meeny miney mo
better let that razor go.

at least i’m never alone
smoke always caresses
my face when
i find myself
living in the mirror too.

a sweet touch
cool yet searing
calculated and wild
silk of broken mirrors.

you say it like it's my fault
like i shook you
goddess of earthquakes
and my fault lines
etched into my face don't
give you the answer you're looking for?

you look upon me like an alien
like some creature who crawled forth
from a darkened alleyway to
burn in front of you
and pull you
a moth to the flame
Icarus flying too close to the sun
you melt
when you're in my arms
and i in yours i can see
the beeswax of your eyes
slowly turning to a viscous liquid
a rain-shower of that infernal desire
emotions that ***** like needles
piercing veins to slam home
a neon poison
higher than ******
to know my power
and hold that pulsing dripping
heart of yours
within my secret place
my holy of holies and
all i want is to tear the veil
and expose the bare truth
no more hiding in the shadows
a divine face you cannot look upon
i imagine god gets lonely

what is the meaning of a beauty
that cannot be seen?
that will consume every part of you
with a single glance
burn your eyes to charcoal
the only smoking remnants of
those bottomless brown cups of coffee
that swirl in your irises

i consume the world around me
more more more more more more
if left alone i would eat your heart
a feral animal
the pure incarnation of natural rage
thunderstorms in my eyes
and lightning bolt curls
blood-stained lips still dripping
with your 98.6 degrees
that same fluid which rushes
to your cheeks when
i shock you yet again
though you shouldn't really be surprised
anymore

if you know what's good for you

don't look at me

you say it to me all the time
so quotidian
it simply falls off your
carefree laugh
and do i see the remnants
of a fear
clouded by memories of another
woman you loved
who brandished knives on your bed
carving the evidence of her inadequacy
into the skin your fingers caressed
the body whose every crevice you had
explored for eight years

you must see some of me
in her
a peppering of her in me
like the seasoning that the creator added
as a dash of spice
to the primordial broth from which
we both crawled
spoon to his lips and a
contented smile turning all his features
up up up

you blow it off
but she must come to mind
every time you hear
the diagnosis
the label

"Oh, she's bipolar?"

the explanation for every
single
*******
aberration in our behavior

but you know it's not just
a "Hello, My Name is _" badge
it is days without sleep
paranoia-fueled delusions as we
diverge from your reality
and exist on a plane that
you cannot access

we go to Away.

but you know
that somehow we are eerily present
at least to you
from your perspective
when inky black voices
scream terrifying bile
and a bloodlust builds in the center in our chest
and we can smell the metallic whiff
of every single knife
each nectar-sweet blade
in the entire world
and you want to be there

you want me to call you
so you can see me
writhing on the floor
unable to rise from bed even fueled
by that insatiable hunger for
my blood
to die
to not die
to not be

can you live with a ghost again

they say home is where the heart is
well my heart sits inside this
war-torn body going through the motions
breathe in
breathe out
smile
suture together the gaping hole
that screams from the center of my mass
tugging on the ragged edges
trying to fold in on myself
my own ouroboros
subsisting off my own flesh
eating my muscles
a supernova collapsing with a crushing
blow that rattles my bones
and reverberates through my heart.

so this is home
the lodging where my
beaten soul and battered consciousness
have wiped away the dust
taken the sheets off the unused furniture
and curled up with their feet tucked up
underneath their body
paying no attention to the
leaky roof
pitter patter of water droplets
heavy with the chaos and ire
of the outside world
as they land definitively in pots and pans
littered throughout my body
lingering in my liver and
sopping up moisture that springs
traitorously into my eyes
burns straight through my retinas
and reminds me of my weakness.

how can i be my own big bad wolf?
alternating between a warm bed
and hearty meals that
bode a bountiful harvest
suddenly replaced by howling wind
and razor sharp rain drops
cutting into my skin
and i welcome it.

i let myself be cut to ribbons
until all that remains is
shredded flesh clinging precariously
to ivory bone
hanging by a thread
an elephant at the edge of a cliff
tail tied to a dandelion.

i relish the destruction
in razing my corporeal temple to the ground
reducing myself to ash
and scattering to every edge of the earth
until I burst forth from this atmosphere
this geological prison
my dermal incarceration
and fly as star stuff
to become a distant universe
for didn’t the liquid power of the stars
always run through my veins
an oil fire burning higher and higher
until the black acrid smoke
consumed the entire world
and absorbed the sun’s rays
to bring about a never-ending night.

close my eyes.
it doesn’t matter if it’s dark outside.

could you be my equilibrium
that harmony of flux and flow that reaches
a peaceful equality to swirl
in indescribable complex patterns
spirals which drill into my bones
and anchor me to this world.

you hammer your nails into my hull
next to the mermaid whose home on the bow
of my sky-faring ship
watches that horizon always retreating
devouring the evening sun’s final rays
before being bathed in the night
the thick blanket held over me
protecting me from the liquid shards
the razor sharp realizations that
batter me onto the rocks when the waves
are too high to even see
and annihilation seems inevitable
so i welcome it.

i don’t know this serene scene before me
this water that stretches out like
a vitreous road
shimmering glass cobbles that threaten
to break if i even touch
a single toe to its transparent doorway into
a world laying through a looking glass
accelerating to infinity eternally beyond my grasp
as my fingers fumble
and my nails dig into your supple skin
as i grasp handfuls of your back
trying to pull pieces of you away
so perhaps i can return to them on a
day when the world is mist and i am Away
and only the tatters of you
shredded ribbons of your presence remain
disjointed memories
of me
unsure how to breathe
pressing myself ever closer to your body
as if to fuse myself to the natural rhythm
the rise and fall of your chest
your radiating warmth visibly distorting your features.

and i’m screaming.