Saturday, 18/04/2015
How it all started.

This is how our story began.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. ****, it feels like yesterday. I always felt this sense of comfort, this great feeling of openness when talking to you. I found comfort in hearing your voice. It was like you were with me that night, lying next to me. It was like I could feel you holding me.
You were the first person I ever truly told my feelings to. For some reason that I will never know, I have always been one to guard my emotions. I do it simply because I cannot bear getting hurt or judged. People often misunderstand me and think I do not feel deeply because I don't like to express with words. Trust me, I feel deep. I don't overthink, but what I feel physically impacts me. It affects me in ways it won't usually affect others. It affects me deep down in my very gut.
Telling you how I really felt was not only a big thing for me, but it was something that I had been so scared to do. But you made it... easy. Effortless. The words slipped out of my mouth with a smile on my face, and when I heard you say it back, I melted.
I was exhausted, but my heart was racing. I felt such a great feeling of euphoria, it was really and truly crazy. I lay in bed feeling like I had won a marathon, climbed a mountain, surfed a great wave. Just because I knew, at that very moment, that I had you.
Each hour flew by. I couldn't believe how late it was getting but I just didn't want to stop hearing your voice. There were times where I actually drifted in and out of sleep because I just felt so... content, that you were still there on the other line. That when I whispered your name you would always respond.
Saying goodnight to you was a long procedure because none of us wanted to hang up. I hated the thought of not hearing you, even if it was the complete silence of you sleeping. Because at least you would still be there. It happened eventually though, and I lay awake afterward just thinking of the future and endless possibilities between us. I could not comprehend how everyone's predictions was about to take place. I couldn't understand how it had finally happened.
I will never forget that night. It was, so far, one of the best night's of my life. To find out that someone you had liked, someone you always had your eye on, cared about, thought of constantly, actually returned the favour... Nothing is better.
It is such a good memory, and I wouldn't have wanted it to be with anyone else but you.

So that is how our story began. Our little love story.

And then, like all love stories,
It ended.

Look  I miss you a ton
Although it seems like we just begun
This affair will be my undone

It's not just the ***,  which is on a level all its own
Makes me feel like I'm King on a throne

But I miss the 'you get me' part even more

The thing is I ain't strong enough or whatever to handle the deception .
Eventually we'll have  to deal with the pain of rejection

We are playing with nuclear bombs with the potential to destabilize a lot of lives
I don't think I'd survive

The guilt is eating me alive

Sometimes i wake up dead
both of my lungs decaying
i light up another cigarette
exhaling out the thought of you
& watching it billow out into sun-
light from the shadows only for
the knot in my heart to tighten
because i’m reminded of your
beautiful smile that’s why i hide in the shadows and run with the wolves chasing the moon knowing that no matter how far i run she’ll always be 237,000 miles away & when the world became heavy the right thing to do would be to just shrug it off and to remember to breathe and be a woman
and just dealing with it the way i deal with swings at poker with unwavering stillness grounded in the calm knowing that everything is okay and unbroken but i didn’t. when you saw my soul bleed
i wanted to die. you were not supposed to see me hurting. how did you end up in my cave? or did i drag you into the darkness?
i never wanted to give you a sneak peak into the shadows while i was knee deep more than three feet with my insecurities
lying against the sharp edge of your critiques handing you a love note i wrote on a receipt you’re a beautiful and sweet but me? i’m on a spiel street do you feel me?
i feel weak please **** me i wish i could be all that you want me to be but i can’t. i can only be me and hope you see the real me.

I only know to cope in a couple of ways
- slam up some walls
Pretend it doesn't hurt
Move on
Innocence is a mockery on my face
My lips twist into grotesque resemblance
of long-gone smiles

It is difficult to remember
to relax
to be normal
'normal'

you come back in flurried recollections
blurs
and
heartaches

a pain starting from the middle
of my forehead
to the crick in my neck
right to my wrists
softly rotating trying to relax
i smile

this is normal

I never told you this,
But I love you like no one else,
I love you.

Your eyes are filled with brightness,
Sharpness,
Intelligence,
Warmth.

Your smile lights up my day,
Your words soothe my brain,
Your laugh **** amazing.

Even when you are sad,
When you cry,
You are amazing.
Because your pain is pure,
No matter how small the problem is.

I just wish I get to see you again.
Then I will never let you go.

The paths we cross in life
With others
Sometimes dictates the paths we take
Whether we want to go it alone
Or with someone shared down a mutual path
Not knowing where it will take us
Or how long it will last
By choice or fate
The beaten path is in the past
To never look back
Hoping
Onwards to something better
Possibly something great
These interjections of people into our lives
Sometimes it lasts
And sometimes people are gone
Before their time is due
Most of the time
It's out of our hands
When people are gone too soon
Whether it be a friend, family, or lover
Instead of asking Why?
We must learn to say Goodbye
With no regret
And no looking back
Keeping the past behind us
Onwards to the light
Out of the black