My heart fills with decay:
its torn and broken.

You left me speechless
on the 13th day.

The only thing that
reminds me of  you
is a token of love
clinging to my chest.

It saddens me you
can forget me fast:
know deep down
things aren't
meant
to
last.

I was getting over the worst:
my sun shining but
now its eclipsed
by the Earth.

I'm blind bound by chains
leaving me
in
eternal
shame.

Your ring reminds me
your never far apart.

You once entered my dreams
filled  it up with romance
and passion: the wine
we consumed:  rhythm of dance.

These visions fade:
you caste
my heart
with
your
sword.

You
wore me
into the ground:
turning
my
bitter
smile
upside down.

All I wanted was respect:
lest you forget.

Life is up and down
the maze of trick questions
Wearing that confusion
that frown of deceit.

That part you find
impossible to explain.
The very monster eating
every moment
makes you quiver
Feeling on edge
then doubt turns
you in and
out again.

Brain working at hyper speed
with mutterings of irregular
words, dreams that magnify
into focus.

The real world is that
roller coaster moving in
reverse.
Words and thoughts
spin faster.
Then all of a sudden
something hits hard
everything in reality
held you back.
Time seizes
every thing blacks out
with nothing to hold you in.

I feel my ADHD was a mental defect from birth
but was triggered down to never settling
or staying in one place and never fitting in Life.
I hate moving house.
I crave things to stay the same for a very long while.
As a kid I moved to a lot of different places
and never really could ever see it as my home
where I truly belong.        
                                      
I feel ADHD is a mental defect
where you don't really feel you ever fit in.
Even with the way I looked
I didn't feel or look right to other girls
I felt like an alien compared to them in my class.  
I felt inferior to them
with low self confidence in my body image.

I never even fit in when it came to the work place
and chasing my career path.
I got taught many courses and skills
I did quite well and always tried my hardest  
I was never really was what they were looking for in an interview
I never got any progression to any of the next stages
I felt always rejected!
I was covering the same ground
when really I just wanted to move forward
and follow my dreams.    
      
Relationships were even more confusing and awkward for me
when I thought I was the guy main priority
and I was just second or third on a list  
I hate that feeling!
I don't like being treated as second and third best
as I won't settle for anything less.     
                                               
All these confusions along with suffering trauma
and alcohol abuse bound to take its toll on me
even now I'm living with confusion
I'm working with a lot of people to give Sophie Rose a good life having to deal with lots of different personalities and names of people which can be difficult to remember.

I like the idea of support but don't like too many people involved in mine and Sophie life down to Sophie mental health
as one day this will create more questions for her
and make her grow up confused and unstable.
I want her to have a normal life mine and my partners life it might be just a bit too late for us both
but she's young and she's a clean slate and got her life ahead of her.

However I will be able to help her as I been through
rough patches in life so will be best to guide her
and make sure she makes the right decisions
so she can be a success and not a life loser which I was heading towards at one point. I'm redeeming myself for all those bad choices I made in my early 20s by being the best mummy I can be and being a good person I can be to support my friends, partner and family.

People working with me keep mentioning about moving house and it will be a while before this happens as I feel the area I live in is great and be good for Sophie to feel she has got a home that she feels she fits in and a family that loves her dearly and wants the best for her.

I never really always got that feeling myself when growing up
I really do want the best for my daughter.
That way she will grow up stable, happy and full of life then I know I'm not a failure and tried my absolute best to change and better my life to help her life and be the best mother regardless of all the bad things that have happened to me and my partner there is always something to be blessed for.

I feel lucky to have finally met the right man, have a beautiful daughter and have a great support network and family which have been keeping me strong through all this.

Addiction to alcohol,
took its ugly toll.
Everything was
grey and black,
while sipping
pint after pint
dead of night,                                  
nothing would go right.

Waking up to morning migraines,
bruises on my swollen legs,  
pains in my chest;
shaky hands and sweats,
with no money left
except for a few penny's
memories of the night before a knew the score! some were good...some were very bad... but usually not that many I can remember.

Being the servent to devil's brew,
can lead to the darkest of avenues,
when you can no longer pay,
for the lifestyle,
you drink in the street,
sell yourself cheap,  
relationships are abusive,
opportunities are missed.  
You argue and alienate yourself
with the ones you love,
being the loner;
you feel no one cares
no one listens to you
no one is home.



My personal hygiene was the first to thing go,
my hair was greasy.  
over weight
I was constantly sweating  
got tooth decay                                 
ashamed to bare a grin
in case people mocked
and laugh at me.   

And mentally I felt drained;
nothing was ever worth the fight,
I felt nothing inside
wanted to go bed and hide.
Unable to turn off the mental abuse,
I couldn't write or think logic
threats, voices and paranoia  
consumed my head,
jump to conclusions
before anything was said.

To conquer a dangerous cycle of
emotional toxic drinking
is to start thinking smart,
To forgive not forget, 
Bare no grudges,                                                  
self awareness
meditation,                                        
write your triggers.

Drinking for me
was a way of socializing
with friends,
dealing with anxiety,
to help me forget the bad,
in the end all drinking did to me
if anything made me sad,
live my life in regret,   
live my life in shame,  
live my life in fear.
I didn't need alcohol to fit in
with friends in the end,
I lost interest in all my passions in life. Music, Dancing, poetry  and Open Mic.  Nothing I tried excited me no more; I felt numb.
I no longer able to write
or recite anything,
words and thoughts became jumbled
and abstract in my mind.  
I lost the way, I lost my identity
I lost my self respect,
pint after pint;
every day suffering from amnesia,
more confusion not knowing
who I am?  where I am?
I became angry and irritable
at even the slightest thing,
emotionally hurting people
that got in the way
only mission for the day
was to survive and                            
chase the next fix.

Was it really worth it in the end,
chasing that unachievable high
when in reality you felt like you were really going around in circles
over an cliff.  

I believe the hugest high in life fulfilling the ultimate purpose,
An real dream,
being the mother to my
beautiful daughter Sophie,
having people in my life that loves
and respects me and of course being able to communicate and write again.

Looks sweet to the taste,
but bitter mistress,
she torments
swept me of my feet
dancing with the demon,
that one last dance
poisons my insides,
you sure you want to take that sip?
I will leave you with no cash
you won't have the last laugh.  
I'll leave you with jitters and sweats,
wake up with no recollection
of what's been done and said
but a dizzy, nautious feeling
of everything closing in
There be no escape
waking up with a sore head
repeat, drink, sleep
exactly the same thing every day.  

I woke up once from her spell…
in a coma state half awake
half asleep sat alone in the dark
in a park with no idea of how
I've got there hearing
muffled voices  

feeling alone
cold, confused and scared,
figured I wouldn't be here
so I no longer had any fear.

Alcohol got her revenge...

she led me on the path
and left me again.

Red and pink
ember aura
now radiating from
both our physical bodies.
I can see
room turn dark
and into blackness
for a moment
entering into the
realm of unknown
then All I see is your warm
glow and grin,
feel your arms
stretch and
comfort around me.
The room heating
up, feeling sweats
but feeling the
intense energy flow
that shared around ,
bodies heating up
and touching like
magnets, making contact
with eyes and mouth
firing up around each other,
to a point where
energy has crossed over
to one another
making new LIFE

Never knew why I could not express my emotions;
could never show anger or excitement
unless I was really stimulated or wired.
I knew the emotions were running inside
as much as I really tried to project them
I just could not show them
people thought
I had something to hide
or just plain inconsiderate
if you knew me you would know
its the complete opposite
just not true about me
whether I sound unenthusiastic or visually somewhere
in a different state of mind:
I do care
and interested in what you are saying
there is something out there
trying to confuse the way I want to say things
or distracting me
wanted more than anything to show how I feel
to people so they couldn't accuse me of being false
or just a lifeless a robot;
i'ts frustrating
not everyone will always gets me
my tone of voice can fall flat
feel dead and lifeless
never changing my ****** expressions
its like having an constant botox
injection sealed to your mouth and eyes

Being autistic can be hard sometimes
not being able to control your
hand and body movements
it does this automatically for you.
Light and sound in a room
can really affect me too
everything is way too intense
sending me visually
out of focus, can't always
focus for long on other people
too without feeling nervous and uneasy  
I feel I'm not always in control
of what comes out my mouth
and feel like something is constantly
sabotaging my thoughts
everything is distorted jumbled and
sometimes comes out backwards
occasionally repeating
things I've said a hour a go.
I can't even always control my volume
of my voice its either too quiet
or becomes far too loud.

I kept thinking I really must be broken
Why can't I switch off
wish my brain would shut up
all I do is annoy
everyone in the room.

However I realise as frustrating living with autism
can be I'm not in fact completely broken
it does have its quirks
I found i'm very self absorbed
with time so always punctual.
Really creative and intelligent
especially with topics of my choice
I hyper focus I love to research
love to write and read
i'm a problem solver and try to
be logical look at things in another way
but never accuse me of having
no emotion as that is not true
can't always be the way
people expect me to be.

Red cherry blossom
twirls into the
sun soaked ocean.

The sunlight dims
turning from pink  
to grey trees begin
to bend they are grasped
by Autumn's wind:

Green shrubbery
rots into the ground:
It waits for the day
the month of Jolly May
but in the mean time
disguises itself in
murky soil: awaiting for
rebirth in Spring:

The ravens sing
a high pitch squeak:
they cannot keep up in time
with the melody:
They ponder and
flock in the night
to bite at the flesh
they can find.

Autumn brings the
chill in the air for the
winter only lurks
around the corner.

Really wish I could enjoy                                                                    
a lovely sunny day again.                                                                  
It  often hurts and burns my eyes,                                                  
last summer it was so painful                                                              
   hid behind my sunglasses                                                              
   and rarely went outside.                                                                      
   became a bit reclusive                                                            
stayed in my flat a lot of the time                                                      
  I always found it difficult to  socialize                                          
  and get tired in the day                                          
taking naps in the afternoon
when I could at the time;
I have prescription light sensitive                                              
shades now and they work much better                                      
can absorb some of the sun's rays
without hurting me too much                                                        
and be able to maintain
my sleep cycle better at night                          
I still get some disturbances  in the night  
and I have to hide in a darker room at times
in the day to rest my sensitive, sleepy eyes and
recharge my batteries so I don't get too tired                                    
  it can be difficult to focus when your eyes are
  constantly burning                                
normal sounds are even magnified  too              
I have to wear headphones to help me navigate  
when travelling in the busy streets                                                  
as noises are super loud                                                                  
   my sleeping patterns have always been so erratic at night
    would often feel really hyper at half 3 am  
    must be down to all those late night drinking sessions
    and parties in my youth.
I'm also very creative minded and my mind won't shut up
it prefers to wake me up at night.
I always wondered why I always preferred the dark over the light
as it was always calmer and quieter and I can think much better.
Its almost if I have became a bat lady over the years
down to these random patterns in my life.  
I always had a fascination with vampires and gothic stories
so things do make sense to me
just wish I didn't have to live this way all the time
can't wait for my light sensitive treatment to be given to me
so I can be more tolerate to the sun and day light regain my
eye sight and hearing enjoy my outings and times with my friends and family without any horrible pain and dizzy spells
be a lady of the day instead a lady of night again.  
I'm a summer baby too being born in  the month of July
I absolutely adore the sun and want to go to the beach
and feel that calm, crisp air and make sandcastles with my little girl
maybe this year it will be the year to do all this
and break the horrible spell of photophobia
so I can be feel more normal again
and not be a bat lady of the night.

Cant wait for the summer finally
going to the beach again.
I love the sand and calm crisp
ocean air its such a bliss.
Cant wait to play with my
daughter and act like a kid again
show her how its really done
when we have our summer fun
just got to wait for my treatment
then I can really enjoy the lovely sun.
The sun rays heal my spirit and
my bones and joints also make me
happy and full of energy.
I always been an outdoor lady
not used to being trapped in
dark rooms and in my home.  
I love nature and being
around animals
the beach calls to me and
is my most favourite place
in the world and where
I feel most at peace.  
I love the warm sunny air
and yummy ice creams
but I can not eat them
down to them being too cold
and it hurts my brain but I
can still appreciate everything
else around me and will
do just that hopefully in June
when the fun can begin for me
just hoping the specialists
can help me and end this torture
so I can finally be free
and happy I intend to enjoy
every moment I've got with
Sophie and my family
you only got one life
so you need to have fun
and be happy.

My mind is buzzing
flitting between
feeling full and
then empty.
Depression lowers
my ambitions.
Mania is a rush
quick firing at
me in all directions.
I am dazed
don't know
how to fully
function anymore
heard and see
things that aren't
always there.
Am I in dream
waking up or
in real life
collapsing
into
nothingness.
Confusion
and fear
hits with
a sinister
glare.
What is normal
anymore?

Cant bear to hear the voices;
dragging me down;
feeling the failure!
Voices mock me                                                               ­                    make me frown
nothing ever goes right:
want to keep on                                                               ­                     
with the fight,
be strong                                                           ­                                   
move on                            
with my life
there is something
that stops me when I
find happiness negativity                                                       ­             
cuts me like a fine knife  
anxiety makes me feel on edge;
paranoia makes me question
and sabotage everything
depression lowers me
to the point where I
feel lack of energy
or empathy any more
If anything I want                                                             ­                        to sleep in bed                                                              ­                           not feel this dread
I use to medicate
myself with beer
and pain relief
taking any medicines
I can get to feel no pain
To feel no shame                                                            ­                        
for the anxiety         
to go away
but it never went
only made me forget                                                           ­                   
the symptoms
the mania I get                                                              ­                          feel a hint of euphoria
but later irritated
over ****** and frustrated,
the world is moving too slow
Im obsessed and sometimes
delusional: the demons are smiling  
they've won the battle but not the war when they took over my mind; for a short while but since sophie was born
and my life almost thrown away
at the age 28 I decided to give life another go and work hard to live an cleaner life the best I can                                                              smile more even when I'm low be grateful                                        

I'm still alive and here
want to feel I have a bright future
now with a baby and boyfriend
that  loves and understands me
its hard sometimes

when you can feel the bad memories resurface,
negative vibes in my mind
hit me like a bullet or cut me like a knife
want to keep telling them not today
that I will not fall to their darkness and decay
that they can't beat me and that
I'm no longer a failure
but a fighter still here to tell her tale;
despite all the *******
and people grinding me down
over the years;
bringing me to tears
I tell myself each day that
I'm a fighter and I'm still here.

Sarah woke up in a dark room with dim lit windows; the room was small and very humid. Her arms  handcuffed to the radiator showing her visible white naked body she was soaked in some kind of baby oil but she could not see him all she could hear  of him was his whispers of his voice; saying I love you.

She could feel her ear lobes gently being licked and caressed  leaving her skin tingling and body shaking in anticipation he tightly stretch his arms around her thighs kissing and caressing them; she can already feel herself getting more wet not knowing his next move. He finally traces up her black ******* with his fingers playing with her ***** and exploring into her mystical dark tunnel and finding the spot which made her legs tremble as he does this he starts to roll his tongue inside her ***** licking her **** she was trying to hold back from squealing from the delight she could  feel herself heating up and more sweaty finally he hit that spot again and her  ***** squirt.

I would take pictures
of myself on facebook but I would rarely ever wear a smile.


I would not take selfies not for attention and not for love from any love else.


They were just daily reminders  and the cruel reality was that I have always hated the way I looked.


I obsessed over my weight and thought if I did look skinnier that I would look great.

A  few times in my life I had to face my inner battle head on
it has won me an few times in my life.


At certain points in my life I rejected eating and enjoying my food.

All the fat comments took my joy of eating away, they were  
so vile and rude.

Being shouted at in the street and called the fat loser.  

In this period of my life I had an year of self hatered and defeat.

The eating issue was hard to beat.  
I would get triggered
if anyone mentioned anything relating to my weight if it was just another joke.


The echo of the rude comments
would stand out in my brain
repeating the same rude line.
"Your a fat loser"

Even when people in my family
said I was looking fine and were more concerned about my health.

The voice in my head would keep shouting that these are all lies.

I said to people around me
please do not keep mentioning
about my weight and just talk
about other topics.

Dont keep feeding the hate that is already there when there are plenty of things out than just talking about my weight.


It only magnifies the issue of the ED
and this makes it tougher to fight inside my mind.

I have accepted my ED and dealt
with some of my inner pain
that is only half the battle, in my own head I must learn to accept and love my body, be happier and eat more regularly without feeling any dread, guilt and remorse.


Love my self, ignore the haters and horrible cruel comments that have always stood out in my mind.

The comments and thoughts
are always going to be there
but I now I know I really dont care as much about this  
and to not let it control my life.


The rude people in the street
might have won the battle at the time
for a short while
but they never won the whole war over me.

I have choose now to accept my fate, eat again and be more health. Learning to love myself again and that is the final score.

Being told your ill
from a child,
born with
internal conflict
and confusion

Head spinning
into constant
trances, dream
states.

Brain jumps,
going into a loop
mind adjusts
and increases volume

TEMPO, TEMPO
Loud irregular thoughts
echo and magnify
wish it would shut up
can hear voices
telling me things
I do not need to know.

At eight always a loner:
mute and on edge,
taunted in school
for being slow.

What people forget
is that I know a lot
of things, my mind
never forgets
******* and lies
people spread.

The body defends
fortress of steel,
brings on flight and fight
anger rages quick,
feel like a ticking clock.

Thumping out aloud,
brain is now intense
starts slow, quicker then
fast before you know it
lands the final blow,
before it drifts in and out
zoning and hearing peace.

Bullies are weak;
they pick on the quiet,
eccentric and meek:
There are many forms of bullying out there:
they all hurt equally,
it can be verbal, ******, jealously, discrimination,
and physical aggression.
All forms are unjust and unfair,
usually picking on people that look
and behave in a strange way;
just to make them feel stronger
or happier in some way.
The best way to deal with bullying
is to ignore what they say
and generally walk away.
I hate people calling me names;
I have never been cruel or caused
anyone pain or at least never intentionally;
I hate people dissing me for wearing support aids
all I'm trying to do is live life the best I can;
what gives other people the right
to stare me out, laugh and be horrible to me;
I really can't stand people dissing my weight
I had issues with my body before
so don't get the point for people to diss and slate
when I'm just having a walk outside with my daughter
enjoying a meal out with my family and not causing any harm.
Bullying is so weak but it hurts;
there is nothing I can do;
I am me and I do feel proud to be me.
I did shut down a few times;
I felt threatened and intimidated
a few times to the point I didn't want to out anywhere;
by doing that though I let the bullies win:
not listening to all the negativity anymore,
still dealing with paranoia and anxiety every day
in my head but getting stronger in every way
and will get there in the end.

First of all don't fit me into a box
the typical 2 gender category
I do have a female body
that doesn't mean I always behave or
act as a female does
can't stand the typical
black and white view and stereotypes
your a woman therefore
you must clean, cook and be in the kitchen
its life skills everyone needs to learn
regardless of their gender and identity
its not the 1960s any more
everyone is equal
also the fact that I enjoy ***
and have a female body
doesn't make me a ***** *** or a ****
check your definitions
before you start accusing me of this
*** and ***** pay for pleasure
I never charged anyone
just sharing my affection and love
for people and *** is a beautiful
and spiritual act so be honoured
rather than attacking me  
also don't call me woman or lady
but by all means you can call me
***, babe, chick or if in doubt just call
me by my first name Kim
I am neutral gendered
I understand both male
and female perspectives
love people regardless
of gender as I don't
fit into any of these categories
I enjoy both male and
female activities
but I often flit
between the 2
genders
therefore I am neutral
and will dress, behave
and act accordingly
to how I feel.

Every day looking into the mirror
as an chameleon does to change
his or her shape and appearance
to fit into their surroundings.

Becoming two polar opposites,
two halves of the same coin:
both working against
each other in the same mind.
Causing confusion, never knowing
whether to swing or dive,
whether to run or hide.

No place to run
No place to hide.

The chronic pain finds its way;
the triggers are there every day without delay.

Bright lights, smell and sound.
There is never
an escape route.
At times you
feel dizzy.
At times you feel really weak.  
At times it gets so bad you can't even feel your arms and feet.

There is no cure for this chronic pain. It's living in an nightmare every day.

You have to learn to adapt to it the best you can.

It can feel surreal is this real or is it just an dream?

I hope I can wake up from this and live a normal life again.

But no this is real as it gets as you can always feel the pain and it will be here to stay.

Migraines wish you would go away and don't you come back another day.

Lucy walked slowly from her bed to open the window and was about to go back to sleep
when all of a sudden she heard.

Rustle, Rustle, rustle, Crash.

She tried to run to her window but her legs were like glued matchsticks.

Lucy could see nothing outside.

Her eyes were still hypnotized though, to that single spot- transfixed – on the garden and the

sky smeared with grey ink.

She didn’t notice the tiny footsteps moving closer. They were fast and quiet until they reached the last step.

They were now clonking closer and heavier than before

and then they stopped.

Something made Lucy shiver- a breath of ice at her neck. The light slowly, flickered to reveal a pair of dark eyes and blood red lips.
Lucy screamed but it was too late and her scream was no more than a muffled echo in her hollow room.

I sometimes feel lost inside
by ignoring how I feel
deep down the
corners of my mind
which have turned.
I like to think of my
identity as a white
canvas that needs
the colors and
lines crafted
in the right way
otherwise it runs
and becomes a mess
wild and unruly
where something
is fluid can change
and form something
old into new.
Finding the
real self under
the masks
of hostility
need to be
discovered
not hidden
or feared
but rather
embraced
as a old
friend
and found.

It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.

Cyber bullies stop picking on me because I can't always speak, write or read as well as you can.

One of these days I will prove you all wrong and really improve all my skills enough to do well again in life: then you will  be feeling like the hugest idiot in life and not me.

Stop making my life hell.

The cyber bullies are really the weak ones.

They have their own insecurities I can tell.

I am an really nice lady you just really need to take the time to really get to know me.

I really just want respect, friendship and love in this world.

I never really hurt anyone intentionally but other people have actually really hurt me.

I really just want myself and other people to be happy.

I don't want no more threats from you cyber bullies.

All day you hide your true identity behind that screen.

I'm sick of you cyber bullies  constantly laughing at my comments.

I really just had enough of  the cyber bullies.

Why have you got be so mean?

Living with migraines every day is already an huge  punishment enough for me.

I would not even wish this pain and sadness on my worst enemy.

I will keep trying every day to get better.

I will ignore all the negativity and  the pain that you cyber bullies  have all caused me from this very day.

The world is a distorted mirror
that reflects your desires
but deceives
turning you into the madness
of keeping
yourself sane.

People calling out your name
as you fall into trees
you feel your legs
brittle and body snap
apart from the strain.  

You revolve through
constant cycle of doors:
You hear the hiss of snakes
the sharpening of blades:
leading to the destination
of nowhere pictured before
that very dark and light
abyss from where you came.

Believe me when I say this i've seen them all;

I'm now more wary of the players
the ones that make themselves look good,
make out their the real deal;
boast about the size of their ****
and about the way they look
but rarely these men commit;
they prone to cheat and play
callously with your heart.  

I'm more weary now of the narcissistic charmers
their acid tongue and good looks
might just fool you
into believing they love you
and that you have a chance with them;
then if you don't give into
their demands they make
you look bad; they blackmail
and lie to crush you

I'm more weary of the stalkers,
the guys that won't let go determined
to follow your every move
smoother and make you feel uncomfortable always
wanting to be in full control  
and won't allow you to see family and friends
not without them being present there with you.

I'm now more weary of the time wasters;
the ones that are not sure about
whether they want to commit to you
or stay with you for long only when
it suits them.

when I go for a man as my king I like a man
I can have a good banter with;
a man who loves the whole of me;
not just parts my body; someone that makes me
laugh and checks on me every day
to see if I'm doing okay.

Every word  
down to that sweet
taste of your lips
which you insert around
the tips of my tongue

the crooked smile  
revenge is sweet:
you run that extra mile.  

 
You make your move
this is the way you behave:
everything is a show.


You let me leave
you slither behind
I spit
you wait
yearning  for that feed.

Please respect
that I'm a lady
I don't wish to see
and be sent your **** pic,
it'll be ignored
and deleted.
I'm not interested
in visuals, amaze
me with wit and humor
and use of language.

Show me your worth my time,
want to delve
deep in your mind,
tell me more about
your passions.
what makes you tick
what makes you smile.

Next time you flirt and
***** talk stop and think
don't send another pic
its an instant let down,
immediately lose interest,
don't be another pest  
or just an egotistical *****:
have some respect
just talk to me nice
be polite
you'll go that extra mile.

Do not touch
what don't belong to you
my things are my  self worth
and pride

Drunk man took my hat
show some respect;
could see he was the ****
didn't laugh
told him... give the hat back
you just don't do that
unless of course
you were looking
for the slap.

I could hear Alex
voice in my head
grunt and curse
tempers sway, fists
getting ready to fly.
I take control
have a cool down
moment to think, 
I'll leave the fight,
it ain't worth it
not take the bait
lets just call it a night
leave the pub with
my dignity
and respect intact
face still in one piece
before this could get worst.

The feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head
from time to time
why is everything in my brain feel so distorted
seeing in my mind always as a male;
then my body is the opposite;
the mismatch causing me
anxiety
the feeling of living a lie;
having to deny these
feelings for years
ignoring how I felt
in my teens
when my hormones
and feelings were just a bit
different in case
people called me a freak
I hated being judged
all I wanted was love
so kept everything quiet
too scared to tell any one
for years fearing
no one will ever love me any more
feeling rejected
as not many will truly
understand how I feel inside
so I repressed it so many times
which left me over the years
feeling more
hollow and empty
dysphoria is complicated;
wish it was easy
but I nothing ever is.

Over the years
I have new challenges to face
with raising a baby girl
learning to accept
I might not ever be my
authentic self but
want to teach her to
that things are not
always appear to be
and that you should
always try and help people
whenever you can
in the new year going to build my self esteem
maybe one day I learn to love myself
learn to speak out
get support where needed
when feeling down.

Dysphoria is hard to live with
at times but I'm learning
to accept and I'm moving forward
with my life.

The dark clouds
fade  through
the crystal stream.

Air floating up
into flames.

A bird rises
above the ashes
glides through the
trees:

smoking up the heavens.

Every direction I can
see white lights, red eyes
and and set of teeth
grinding into my flesh,

An old woman
appears with a note and a
bunch of flowers
reading the words
"for dead must fall"

Getting better as a mum;
learning to strengthen
my knee and arm
muscles each day,
with weights and my
exercise bike.

I can run with
my little lady when
she's older and we can
go out and play.

I'm learning to flex,
my creative sights.
Reading and talking to her
singing funny nursery rhymes .
Who cares if my singing voice
isn't even any good,
she will be my only judge.
I want her to smile and laugh
that's my mummy up there
flexing her hands to the mike.

I'm finally learning to get her clothes
and ***** on right,
making sure her feeds are on time.
Learning to cook will be
the next thing on my list
then I can conjure up a
mighty fine dish.

Always found learning
practical tasks difficult
to master; its a challenge
every day to live
with dyspraxia.
I will get there in
my own special way.

When i've built my strength up;
I can take her out
in her pram for the day.
Enjoying the sunshine,
grand adventures in
the great outdoors,
exploring nature and woods.

Or we can explore how
chocolate is made.
Explore the gravity rush
adrenaline thrill
of theme park rides,
the possibilities
are endless and fun,
being a full time mum.

Best advice I can give to being happy
is know your goals in life,
exercise a little bit each day,
do a bit of meditation for reflection
helping to connect to your inner self.
I enjoy a bit of writing and singing.
Talking to friends and family can help half the problem,
never binge or do anything to excess
and confront things when they get on top of you
never bottle yourself up
also consult your medical professionals if things get really tough they can sometimes guide you in the right direction.
The thing that helped me through in the end
was having a purpose which I have found
that with my baby girl
she makes me smile
and reminds me that
life is worth fighting for
regardless on how bad i feel.
I honestly had no direction before
kept hitting a dead end
when I was younger I was enthusiastic and hopeful
studying hard hoping I would achieve something in LIFE
find the job and partner of my dreams
but life after university hit me hard
I was unemployed for 6 years
which made me feel depressed and became
mentally unwell
the thought of feeling the failure
never having nothing to show
at the end of it sent
me down a dark spirall
My wounds are now finally healing
keep reminding myself i'm no
failure and a fighter
and now I'm feeling a bit more at peace
with my self.

After researching about the pineal cyst
in my brain. I have finally have answers
to the identity crisis I was experiencing
over the last 15 years.

The pineal cyst was in fact responsible
for my gender confusion
same as the depo injection which caused me more
my issues to worsen and it was all
simply through hormone changes;

It would often increase  Testosterone and this
created minor physical changes which made  
more hair grow than usual on my legs
and sometimes the hair would even grow
on my chin my mum would have to
pluck them with tweezers as a teenager
I would often feel awkward and
embarrassed of my appearance.

It would also cause mental changes
in the brain and would alter the way I would behave
and led me into participating in more
masculine interests and activities
it would make me more more aggressive  
and made my fiery tempers worst.

The hormone changes were so very quick
in the brain causing the confusion,
it even distorted the way I perceived my body image
and would always make me feel like an alien
that never felt comfortable in its own skin.
I never really felt I fit into any category;  
there was times where I would talk, behave and dress
very feminine and then there were times
where I looked in the mirror
and the pretty dress I wore a day a go
didn't look or feel right
I would often have a change in clothing
a few days later nd wear more jeans and band t-shirts.
I even wore male clothing in town
so I could blend in and feel more safe
not be targeted sexually by men
who would often make funny and rude gestures
which made my skin crawl.  

I fell in love more with wearing an more uniform / neutral
style of clothing like suits and trousers;
I did secretly like wearing my school uniform
as a teenager it would often make me feel more comfortable
I didn't ever feel male or female in puberty
just saw myself as Kim and sometimes
would even address myself more in a more third person
rather than an he or she the older I got
as I was often confused in the direction
I was taking and didn't know
what gender I really was I have learned
over the years to accept this is me
and it will never change.    

I didn't think it would be even
possible in my life time to ever have a child
with my bad lifestyle and hormone problems
I was so happy when it did happen
and for a very good reason
it helped me to sort my life out for the better.

Being called mummy however felt alien
at first I have now fully
accepted this name and role for me
in Life and it no longer feels strange.  
I will tell Sophie as she grows older when she's a teenager what I have been dealing with over the years
its best to be honest with your kids
and have no secrets.
I have always been honest with my other half
from the start of our relationship
and I want Sophie to grow up
being more open minded
and have some awareness
of gender and body image
she can then appreciate and find her own
identity in Life too.

I will always be there for her
regardless of her choices I will teach her
to think carefully first before making
any important Life decisions that
you can never change again

At one point it felt weird being called
a man or woman;
I don't mind now being called by any of these pronouns
I will respond to being called either of them;  
my main preference however would be
for people to simply if in doubt call me
by my first name Kim or Kimmy.

My way to deal with my identity
issues or (dual identity) as I call it
is not in fact to ever reject
or ignore these feelings;
this causes more depression
and alienation in the brain
to get the right moral
support in place.  

Talking therapy really helps break the
identity barriers down so I don't feel alone
and to simply take notice of these feelings
and dress more how I'm feeling  for the day
sometimes it might just enough
to satisfy these feelings / hormone changes;

One day I will feel comfortable with my identity  
for now that's the way I will overcome this issue. ​
this might make me quirky and strange
to other people but I am just being me.

I'm a mother
sing in a choir.
Ex alcoholic and survivor.
Got diagnosed by my GP with bipolar, autism, dyspraxia
and adhd these labels don't in fact define me.
I graduated with a degree
in creative writing and english
Unemployed for 6 years but been jack of most trades
tried most kinds of work including retail,
cleaning and admin looking for work
has been tough going but proud to say
i'm a fighter and keep on trying
have completed an nhs course
volunteered working with the community
When sophie is older
I may even volunteer in my local library.
I am very logical, love routine, punctual
spiritual in my beliefs,
open minded think outside the box
write poems and short stories,
love playing sport
painting, photography
but my down side I
can be impulsive
and impatient need to
learn to take my time
with things.

I hate waking up to screaming and shouting.                        It makes me feel stressed out and on edge.                                    I just want to hear the sounds of the  sweet birds in the morning have a much more calmer life but my life is anything but calm and  its definitely not quiet.               The mood of hearing all the  anger and fear happening most  night's often really impacts my quality of sleep and my own life.                                                               It made me feel a lot more paranoid.                                          I feel an nervous wreck in the day to speak to anyone. I have very few friends living near me for support to cheer me up and make me laugh but I do always have my family visiting me daily  and I do have my partner and daughter too but when my partner and family are back home I can feel isolated and alone having to manage with all my anxious thoughts in the day and the frightening voices I can some times  hear when I'm feeling really  down which causes me a lot of fear. I always  ignore this. I stand up against it and usually win  distract myself with keeping myself busy, doing my singing and writing helps to take this pain from me too.                        I struggle to visit public places without being with family or being with my partner in case I end up upsetting someone else in the room and being a  subject of ridicule and physical abuse. I had a whole life of being bullied for being different and socially  awkward around other people and whole lot of physical and mental abuse in the last 10 years because I have always been too  soft. I have rarely opened up about my abuse  and got the help I needed.                                          I would always put up with it as I never wanted to upset anyone else I just wanted to live my life without having any drama or hassle.                                           I feel I can't even say  what's on my mind much nowadays.            I can only really share my deeper inner  thoughts and truth to a  selective few  people as I'm too scared to do this with most other people  in case I'm hurt again by someone else but I am stronger than I look and can usually take all this quite well.  Will get there in time just need to recover and get myself feeling better again.

The times you hear the words
I love you its the typical cliche
they slip out
sometimes casually
think carefully about the
real meaning behind
the words next time you use them
love is shown by actions
doing things for the ones
you care about and not only spoken.

Twisted butterfly wings  
silence your tongue
bruises and marks
conceal your flesh
with black and white
splodges.
shadows blow you
a kiss that twists
your ballerina feet
into a dance
Your eyes half shut,
half open hearing
whispers of verse
that turn into song.

If we could throw away Greed,
starving people would feed.
Politicians fires the gun,
let's aim it back at them.
Do we want them to
brain wash the future youth?
Make them live a life of
ignorance, hatred and abuse.
Living it all over again:
following the same bags of lies,
not giving a ****
who lives or dies?


We should be fed with
thoughts, harmony
and new ideas.
Not starved with greed:
blinded by hatred,  
swallowed with fear
from hierarchical leeches.

Politicians drain us dry:
feeding us false promises,
stealing from us:  
planting more lies.

We need to unite
brothers and sisters 
pull together,
question information
in order to beat
this endeavor:
that is the lesson.

Music in the club was booming.
High energy rush,
makes you work up a sweat,
a very good beat,
will make you stamp your feet.
Oh DJ can you
play classic rock.
Some old school ballads,
guitar licks,
coupled with a little bit
of naughtiness.

Maybe play us some punk,
something loud!
something proud!                                                                              
Music I can pogo to
in a circle of friends.
A real head rush
raw energy that
makes you want
to shout!

Oh yeah music
is a real rush.
Its all in the beat man,                                                                    
repeat it's all in the beat
lets us stamp our feet.

I wish I never lost any more  weight.

It was an huge mistake.

One mistake I really hate and I really regret to this day.

I'm still paying the debt which is paid with my mental health and life.

Was always looking fine.

Didn't need to make any more changes to myself.

Being called chubby and fat by an  silly ****.

One afternoon
caused me so much destruction and sadness to my self esteem to make me  hide at home and waste myself away.

Still paying for the damages.
  
Life has been much more tough and hard to manage.

In the future
I will ignore the ***** in life who are never happy and want to hurt and bully innocent women walking out on the streets.

One of my goal's in life is that I will one day be more free to be myself  and be able to one day walk again.

What can I say I love
wearing suits
nice leather boots
Love hanging out
with other guys
and wearing ties.
Playing sport
listening to heavy
music and going to
gigs moshing in
pits and having
a blast drinking
pints of beers
and thinking
about women.

But I don't look
like other guys
Reality sinks in
and I feel lost
and hurt inside.

I withdrawn
back in my shell
quickly learn
that I have been
born into the wrong
form.

Seeing it every day
magnified and glaring
back in the mirror
each morning  
is enough to make
me hate it.

These days I feel
gender-less and neutral;
hardly charming
never beautiful
or at the least
the way I intended
it to be
I'm just me.

Why do I feel I cant
connect with the world
anymore.
I use to appreciate
and share its wonders
colors, arts
cute animals
and innocence.
Fluffy clouds
spiraling to a
new enchanted
kingdom as far
as I can see.
Hearing the
delights of
cries of doves
forming and
flying in the sky.
This is a perfect
vision, not something
tainted and blurred
by the cold reality
is more scary and
hard to face anymore
and see wars, famine,
poverty and death on
the TV.
Is there any
goodness really
left: sometimes
I just give up
and dwell into
my own bubble
at least I feel safe
in there but then
I see a stranger someone
unknown help a fellow
person in need. Sharing
warmth of a coffee
and offering food
to someone with
very little except
a smile which just
one gesture, one deed
makes this existence
all the more worthwhile.

Getting prescribed pills. just because I can't keep still.
Constantly working on the fast lane.
Only way my brain can keep sane.
Dealing with physical pain,
been told I have knee dislocation at ten.
Been told I'll be in a wheel chair by the time I'm 40.
Having people stop and stare, oh yeah I've f**king been there.
Its never got in the way, improving myself each day.
Only one that can help is myself
to make most of what I've got and my health.

Your eyes peirce
into my flesh;
soaking me in
your kisses  
you suckle me
into each of
your almond
shaped *******.

You lead me
into your
private home
surrounded by
the scent of
honey and flowers
we grow more
close together
every hour slow,
our seeds in the fields
we are about to sow.

Night approaches the peak;  
your form changes:
you become nothing more
than a dark eclipse shadow
hissing and creeping
further up my flesh:
trapping the light of the moon
drowning me in the water
the lamb to the slaughter.

I was their piece of art,
I tasted sweet as lemon ****,
sampled in the cake shop,
customers stared and stop,
paying out change out of their pockets,
cash and card from their wallets
to pay for my pleasure.
I give them that thrill,
dressed to ****.
I was their secret treasure
for we all don't live forever.

I use to enjoy our pub chats,
sipping shot of gin and tonics
and 3 pints of 1664's and another
shot of whiskey,
we were set laughing,
talking about punk,
squats and art deco
and singing badly
to the karaoke machine.

You always put a
smile on my face
even though you
knew death was
what was coming,
can see it in your eyes
holding in the tears
you knew you
couldn't win this fight.

LIFE was cruel to you;
you never deserved
the punishment
you every day endured,
you taught me much.

Don't ever live life how
they want you to be
find your happy place
slow yourself down KIMMY
really concentrate and take
everything in
you'll be great
forget relationshits
they hold you back.

Most people are mean
and unkind ,
kept telling him
not everyone is bad,
there is good in
everything that
crosses the path.

He grunted and laughed
you'll see one day, kid
your daft but i like you all the same,
you are sweet KIMMY and one of a kind!

He could see the pain in my eyes too;
I have many mental scars
they take years to heal
enduring them
made me strong
know I'm wrong
maybe sometimes.  

I still appreciate your words
you never sugar coat
told me your TRUTH
didn't believe in lies
always had your dog
by your side.

I will only give
out the two finger
salute of *******
if anyone deserved,
my mate would laugh
like your style KIMMY
you got *****...
love your comedic quips
and tips
you showed me that
Art can be made from
any recycled resources
make most of
what you have
a true artist is a
visionary can
make anything
and regenerate
its inner beauty.

before you passed on
had dreams with the number 3
dark scary ones at night,
gave me a huge fright
something bad is happening,
but weren't sure what it was
just a gut feeling my nan
would say, woke up
feeling like death
with shakes and sweats  

find out a few days later
my gut wasn't wrong
you were laying in hospital,
week later  you passed on
couldn't control the tears
was in shock,
wished i could have
given you a massive
hug and real goodbye,

you and your dog
entered the rainbow
bridge the same time.

Miss you both every day,  
your artwork makes me smile
and i owe you a huge thank you
for being there and being a good friend
glad we did get to meet in LIFE
your such amazing spirits hope
you get to find the inner peace
you were looking for and deserved.

The lessons you taught
was to embrace beauty
the battles you fought
to avoid ritualistic duties.

Your mind was so deeply vast:
your body left for dead.
You were living life too fast:
each day should be quietly tread.

Sue was reading a raunchy magazine in bed; ted was cuddling up to her and watching telly
sue: "have you ever thought about trying some role play"
Ted: " what kind?"
Sue: "not the anime kind if that's what your thinking how about we just swap clothes - I wear what you wear and I'll be ted for the whole day and you wear what I'm wearing and be sue"
Ted: "Yeah we could try that sure sounds fun"
Sue: "brilliant I will leave you one of my dresses, some make up  and we will swap clothes for the whole day.

Sure enough the next day Sue left a note before she went to work on Ted's bed with a box. It had some of her lipstick, some eye shadow also a lovely floral dress for Ted to try while she was at work. It was a perfect size 14 fit; Ted prepared his make up the way sue usually did every morning and was surprised by the very person who was staring at him in the he mirror his once chiselled masculine features were now more delicate and feminine He shaved his beard off and even went as far as shaving his legs as instructed by her. He felt more excited as the day went on his **** growing in size he smelt sue's ******* they were fresh but there was a whiff of sue still in them when he put them over his **** he started to rub his **** up and down over her ******* then put on her fish net tights and finally her high heel shoes.

He secretly had fantasies of doing this  as a teenager but he often too scared of getting caught out by his mum. He got as far as trying on her make up wearing her perfume and trying on her tights and when she asked if he had seen them he said came up with an excuse they were lost in the washing machine.

Sue came back from work wearing Ted's shirt, his boxer briefs and trousers smelling of his lynx body spray. She even went as far as buying
a beard to reenact the role play of being Ted for the day it was very convincing and she looked how he looked there in another suitcase also stood a huge plastic ***** shaped perfectly as a ****

"Ted  " you know where that is going don't you"
"Sue "Yes I can't wait"

The transformations were complete Sue now as Ted started to caress sue kissing her neck and licking her ear lobes she gave out a shriek of delight speaking more in her most feminine voice. Ted then went down on her ******* her **** she felt hard as rock she could feel his breath warm and moist in full ******* motion; in this form Ted's short arms felt they grew longer and were more sturdy started to rub her **** up and down she gave out a squeal and *** more than what she usually did.  
Finally ted soaked sue's ******* in baby oil: give it a little cheeky lick before equipping his ***** **** into sue's ****. Sue held her breath for a few seconds as he pushed it in with some good throbbing movements she gave out a huge yelp and could then feel the ecstasy of *** spilling out
"Ted - wasn't that fun know you can go back to the way you was any time"
"Sue - Yeah I did enjoy it too will definitely do it again.

In life people roots split                     different directions.                                                         
which determine their future.                                              
They are the  tree roots that branch                                      
and grow out into the sky.

Life blooms only twice  

Spring is birth
                                                                ­        then Summer is fertility and love.
                                                      
Autumn is the fall of man.      
                                          
Winter is death.  
                                                              

Death plays games                                                          chose players at random.                                                    

Play the game of life and win,  

live and survive

or lose the game                                    

and lose everything.  

Some players cheat death games                                                         strike of deal                                                             ­   and gamble                                                          for  
fame                                                       
feed greed  

 which shortens
chances
of living
full
clean
life.

Swirl of currents
flow and separate
light from the palm
of your hands

Rainbows pulse in
the sky exploding
high into fire works of
colour

White aura's surround
your fluorescent
wings as you take flight.