i texted you to tell you how i feel
she said it would make me feel better
i told you i missed you and love you and respect you

you said,
"We're cool."

i was disappointed thats all i got
but maybe thats all i deserve

the cold wind bit my cheeks and turned them red
and in a wise way she said
"when i was in high school i was completely in love with this boy Derek, then he broke up with me and i thought i could never go on. i smothered him too much with my love."

my eyes well up with tears because i dont want to hear it
because when i see him it feels like i swallowed burning coals
and they burn low in my gut for 2.5 hours

maybe i didnt give him enough love
maybe i respected his personal space and wishes too much
maybe i didnt give him enough attention

and the low burn is back again
my knees are weak
i feel sick

its feels like the end of the world because hes okay and im still here waiting for him to come back
but i know ill be okay in time
no matter how much i deny it

i didnt lose love.
love decided that i wasnt worthy, and left.
but i still feel in branded deep beneath my skin.

im starting to feel better since you left.
i painted my nails yellow and it makes me happy just like when Van Gogh ate yellow paint.
im starting to take the buds off my plants to plant more because they make me smile.
im starting to ride my bike again to get my mind off you and exert built up energy.

but i still enjoy making myself cry by looking at your social media so what youre up to and that youre alright.

there's a blister on the ******* of my left hand
from carving pumpkins with you
my toes are still painted pink from when we went to the school dance
and there's a scar on my right cheek from when my brother got too angry and you
were the first one i called
but
the blister will heal
the scar will fade
and i think i just might paint my toes green

your memories will fade
and i will be okay

single and never going to mingle again unless they're someone absolutely special or He comes back.

people are slowly finding out that i'm no longer in a relationship and girls will hit on me in the hallway and kiss my cheek and asking for a nice sloppy kiss on the mouth.
i wish i was strong enough to kiss those pretty girls right on the mouth and completely forget about Him.

but i wont, because i cant, i feel like i'm cheating on Him in some way even though he's already gone and completely forgotten i exist.
(completely erased me even though He loved me for 15 months.)

i want to talk to Him, thinking of Him keeps me up at night crying, seeing Him makes me cry and feel nauseous, watching Him be fine makes me angry, i'm terrified of Him after he left me with a broken heart.

(there's so much power a person has when they have your heart in their hand and can crush it at any moment, it's scary.)

it makes me happy when people say,

"I can't belive he broke up with you. He has no idea what he just lost, you're so amazing and beautiful. Forget him."

but i can't believe it or want to because i love Him. i love Him so much that it's hard to breathe.

If it doesn't keep you up at night
You probably don't love it enough.