I woke up this morning with an incredibly painful longing for freshman year of college.  Living in the dorm with one window that overlooked the soccer field.  Having that Jessica Alba poster while still claiming to be straight except to one or two close friends and any girl I didn't know when I was drunk.  Having to ******* in the shower.  Having to sneak into classrooms or out to my car at night to hook up with boys I didn't like.  Having to take a walk just to get some alone time.  Walking down to the tiny creek that went through campus to sit and journal and feel alone on purpose.  Having an emotional breakdown on the steps of the main building at 3am after the boy I liked went home with someone else and feeling alone on accident.  Wondering if any of my new friends really liked me. Wondering if any of my old friends were really impressed by me.  Wondering if my family was really proud of me.  Wondering if I would ever use chemistry in real life.  Wondering why I was alone. Wondering why I liked being alone. Wondering if I would always be alone.

I miss the solitude of loneliness.
I miss not really knowing anyone.
I must have been dreaming of it.

I am frightened by your fragility
but I thought that we
could overcome my fears

the strangest part to me
has always been how quickly
we put our faith
in other humans
when we know ourselves already
to be so unreliable

you and I are fine
art, in that
we interpret it differently

often I curse our creator
for building us broken
before I am reminded
she hardwired us brains
hell-bent on fixing themselves
so the pieces we must place
are in their disarry
what makes us whole

we fell
somewhere in between
the vulnerability of subconsciousness
and the bluntness of reality

we awoke entwined
and as my dreams burrowed their way
out of my brain
I wouldn’t let go.
and as our eyes opened up
and met
I wouldn’t let go.
and as our lips opened up
and met
and as your reach opened up
and met mine and
we made our way in
to
each
other
in a type of love only a fresh dawn can bring
I wouldn’t let go.

and as the sun rose
and the world found ways to remind us that
it exists
and we only exist
as a part of it,
and that comfort is nothing
but a lack of fear,

and that the places in between
are there
only to separate the entities
they embrace

I wouldn’t let go.

I slept better that afternoon
alone in Nashville
than I ever had home.
there was no comfort to be found
in my ****** motel room with
torn arm rests
ripped carpet lights that don’t work
an unopenable shared door
and a bed big enough for me
to strategically save space on the other side
without even thinking
about it. Cash sings the blues
while the sky changes hues
and I don’t even like country music.
I was tired and this city
made me smile but
I do not belong here. yet here I slept,
on edge; excited; in fear;
deeply. you crossed my mind
and I didn’t mean to leave space.