When I wanted to die yesterday I thought long and hard about what it was I really wanted

I used to want the pain. The blood. To watch death happen.

Then I realized I don't want the death I want what seems like peace after death.

But would that even exist for me?

happiness in my life exists transiently.
never have i been able to trust it completely.

on the occasions that things consistently go right,
my stomach drops and my mind keeps me awake at night.

i ponder why i must live in constant fear.
perhaps, it's due to the leaving of people i once held dear.

my hands clasp and try to hold you tight,
but my inner negativity makes this a constant fight.

i pray that one day happiness will be a friend to me.
that i won't fear its leaving and enjoy life peacefully.

I grab it all in a moment,
Where I look at you,
When I actually see you,
All in the glance that I have stolen

This is your beauty

This time I see you more clearly
Elation hidden behind your eyes
As you look at those you hold dearly
Past the face that never looks shy

This is your heart

This time I see the worry that’s a burden
skeletons make you feel threatened
the feelings that you think I've hidden
Insecurities keeping what is destined

This is your mind

This time I see the inner wild heart
Rigid are the rules you that follow
Desire for the corners of known chart
Forest paths and the river shallows

This is your soul

these are the deeper things,
Those that few can gaze upon,
Those that require all feeling,
the hidden deeper that I hope own

I grab it all in a moment,
Where I look at you,
When I actually see you,
All in the glance that I have stolen

This is your beauty

Now my emotions own me,
Heartbeat slowly quickens,
Warmth of hearth in winter,
Butterflies in spring's field

This is my heart

How can she see me as enough,
Beauty holds me unforgiving,
Gripping attention hard and rough,
Empty thoughts filled with longing

This is my mind

Dance with me one more moment,
My dried river runs once more,
My heart I thought was broken,
Your essence has invaded my core

This is my soul

These are the deeper things,
Those that few will ever know,
Those that require more than feeling,
The deeper that I have rarely shown

They ask why I do not speak,
Why I am not using my words,
When I don’t know how to keep,
And why my heart is exposed to cold

I've made mistakes that caused harm,
I thought all could be fixed by actions,
If I kept myself strong and calm,
That I could earn others forgiveness

But the scars I've caused are deep,
And the guilt too heavy a burden,
I can barely close my eyes to sleep,
For others happiness I have stolen

Forgive me for my bitter rants,
My vengeful stabs of jealousy,
Days that I was only unpleasant,
And the harm I caused indifferently

I know I ask for more than I deserve,
More than I have shown for others,
I hope you see small light preserved,
That bleeds every day for lost lovers

So let me love, and let me soar,
For I have not lived to the end,
Let me try and shine once more,
And this darkness transcend

and he wept,
for he remembered it vividly,
he had held his chin up with his left hand,
while he knelt,
he had casually placed the knife upon his tender throat and slid it to the side exposing crimson,
while he wept for the crime he was committing,
for the death of a close friend.
He did not expect him to come again another day,
with a white scarred throat,
embrace him and call him brother,
and tell him that he was missed.
So he wept without control,
with gasps in between and a silent trauma for only now he could become whole

I have always wondered, when I am sad, wallowing and broken.

I can feel my heartbeat slow the deeper I fall into melancholy, as if my soul itself is leaving my body.

If I were to keep falling into the darkness, the cold, the ocean depths where thoughts and emotions are covered by a cloud of numbness, will I reach a point where my heart would stop?

Would I then be dead, or would I find a world in between where all the broken souls go, where we all float in a state of non existence combined with a frozen state of feeling.

Can my sadness **** my heart?

Am I the only one who has those moments, I think not.

Because sometimes,

when I look at you, you look as if your heart is frozen from your burdens.

The sludge
of mud
       that creeps up
to my eyes
squelches me
down like quicksand
***** a large
breathing object
                         into
its grainy film
an antithesis
       of sea
lungs sputtering
out brain reeling
in remnants of
clusterfucked,
panic –driven
welting
and I am ready to
burst out
legs trapped
yet voice high
heart squealing
in the fire
bring me to
somewhere
it’s a situation
                    dire
this madness
cupping me through
time-realms
and I must find it
that liquid that
wet flow of writhing
struggling
breaking
            free
of those heavy bands
of slimy kelp
holding me
squirm me out
I don’t care
if I get the
muck of centuries
in my hair
for in my veins
my blood does see
I crave the sunlight's
strokes
and
        I
            must
breathe

In Hebrew, her name means devoted to God
She was consecrated,
An oath to God
But she never fulfilled her purpose, for she went astray
Endless and countless sins, undeniably a sinner
Living not according to the Almighty's will, but
Living according to her choice, so
Expect her to be, both good and bad


Imperfect she is, but it is what makes her human
Special, she may not be, but still out of the ordinary


Many times she was lost
Yet, still managed to be found


Not wanting to be astray, again she trusted the invisible hand
Afraid of what might she become, again she started to pray
Miserably she asked for His guidance,
E*nlightened, her faith restored, and now trying to serve her purpose