When I wanted to die yesterday I thought long and hard about what it was I really wanted

I used to want the pain. The blood. To watch death happen.

Then I realized I don't want the death I want what seems like peace after death.

But would that even exist for me?

happiness in my life exists transiently.
never have i been able to trust it completely.

on the occasions that things consistently go right,
my stomach drops and my mind keeps me awake at night.

i ponder why i must live in constant fear.
perhaps, it's due to the leaving of people i once held dear.

my hands clasp and try to hold you tight,
but my inner negativity makes this a constant fight.

i pray that one day happiness will be a friend to me.
that i won't fear its leaving and enjoy life peacefully.

The sludge
of mud
       that creeps up
to my eyes
squelches me
down like quicksand
***** a large
breathing object
                         into
its grainy film
an antithesis
       of sea
lungs sputtering
out brain reeling
in remnants of
clusterfucked,
panic –driven
welting
and I am ready to
burst out
legs trapped
yet voice high
heart squealing
in the fire
bring me to
somewhere
it’s a situation
                    dire
this madness
cupping me through
time-realms
and I must find it
that liquid that
wet flow of writhing
struggling
breaking
            free
of those heavy bands
of slimy kelp
holding me
squirm me out
I don’t care
if I get the
muck of centuries
in my hair
for in my veins
my blood does see
I crave the sunlight's
strokes
and
        I
            must
breathe

In Hebrew, her name means devoted to God
She was consecrated,
An oath to God
But she never fulfilled her purpose, for she went astray
Endless and countless sins, undeniably a sinner
Living not according to the Almighty's will, but
Living according to her choice, so
Expect her to be, both good and bad


Imperfect she is, but it is what makes her human
Special, she may not be, but still out of the ordinary


Many times she was lost
Yet, still managed to be found


Not wanting to be astray, again she trusted the invisible hand
Afraid of what might she become, again she started to pray
Miserably she asked for His guidance,
E*nlightened, her faith restored, and now trying to serve her purpose