you lost your life before it began
my child my baby my one of a kind

you left the womb without opening your eyes
and I didn't get to hold or tell you things would be alright

I didn't get to watch you grow up
become who you want to be

my slumber is my joy
and the window to what might've been
I dream of you in a white dress
finding someone to have a life with
walking down the aisle with my husband by your side
knowing we are passing you off to someone who will treat you right
I thought we´d raise you to know how to find it
in the presence of our everlasting love and growing respect

my slumber is my wish
I dream of you having a kid
maybe one that will call me Grandma
watch you attempt to handle the chaos

all you've ever known is peace
all you've ever known is my warm embrace

now you know jesus in a way we will get to in the end
now you know golden streets
and people we've lost along the way

in a few years you'll know my face
you'll know you brothers, sisters, and family
because even though we lost you to early
I assure you, you'll always be my baby

my biggest fear is being like you
the person I saw in the mirror only a few years ago
the time went by fast
but the chance is vast

see you used to think life was a struggle
wonder why you could possibly be here
wonder what purpose this pain could have
wonder what difference you could make in the world

now you know
now you see
the little things matter
and the hurt turned to empathy
your heart grew and your mind got stronger
and you learned how to make it in a world full of anger

you're young right now
and that's okay
stop wanting to get older
stop wishing you could skip through this phase
because your at the age where there is no pain
your idea of hurt is not getting desert
and your idea of joy is life itself
12.
I promise everything and everyone will be okay
don't forget yourself
forgive your
13.
being smaller doesn't mean being okay
it doesn't mean being better
happier
healthier
and its not the point of being here

breath in
breath out

remove yourself from this house
this house of horrors
this house of pain

how do you remove yourself from this house of mind games
how do yourself from this house I call my mind

the monster is in me
the monster overcomes me

how do you remove the monster without removing yourself
is the monster my friend
is It my enemy

remove the "en"
the monster Is me

I know the only thing I need is you
looking in your eyes knowing they show my world
they say eyes are the window to the soul
your soul is my heart

the machine controlling my breath
and the lamp that keeps me safe as a little kid
safe from the dark
safe from the villains
safe from my life without you in it

knowing you mine
knowing Im yours
means knowing I'm whole
it means knowing everything is okay
everything is still

peace washes over me
love overcomes me
my valentine
my love
my one and only

nothing can replace you
or make me forget you

I see a future
my future is you
you in a house with little ones roaming around
maybe a dog and fence
with a beautiful kept yard
white walls
and a fresh start

proud to present to you
my worn and hurt heart
my tired and fragile body
my mind that races 1 million miles an hour

proud to offer you my love and trust
I promise it wont go anywhere
ill get attached and fear for change

after all we accept the love we think we deserve
I deserve a spec of sand
so give me a knife
my back will take it

give me a bomb
it will seem like more than enough
wreck a city
wreck my life

but it's alright
because its more than I deserve
more than i need
maybe more than i can hande

when my friend called me in need
I said wait please don't leave
wait you are loved
wait you're enough

I could hear her pain
through the lack of a breath

people call this "traumatic
but I don't see their point
it wasn't me in the moment whos life was at risk
only me in the moment with a job to save it

I don't remember a tear though
or a racing heart
no I saved that for later

because now when I think of that phone call my eyes start to water
then my hands start to shake
and my joints start to ache

they tighten like braces
trying to pull things together, straiten things up, or help you smile

then my mind starts to race and at the same time go silent
I don't know how to describe it other than pure panick