the morning after you killed yourself
your mom was crying she feels so empty
you didn't realize when you left
a part of her went with you

the morning after you disappeared
your family and friends wished they were there
you thought you ended the pain but really you just passed it on
this is where the term "selfish" comes from

you were the candle in the room
people cant see without you
why did you blow yourself out?
why did you leave them blind?

no note no letter
not even a goodbye
you didn't give them your 13 reasons
but you gave them their first

the morning after you left us all
we just wanted your presence
even if tears came with it
even if a part of you didn't

I didn't realize the signs
I didn't see the dead in your eyes
now I see it in myself
because the frame broke when you removed yourself from the picture
now there's broken glass, broken dreams, and broken people
all the morning after you killed yourself

Because I care I love too much
Because I care I believe the what-ifs

I try to protect you from worlds harm
But you need shielding from my open arms

I hold on tight and make mistakes
But when i let go it becomes a race

Who misses who first?
Who regrets the past more?

I think i win
I get the golden medal for who ******* up worse

I dont regret it now
I've learned a lot
Ive learned we are to different and it cant cancel out

I saw myself in you and that scared me
I saw your brokenness and sabotage of your own life
Am I on that path too?

What if I don't find that life jacket that keeps you afloat so easily?
You moved and you found a community
I know it's not perfect and I know you're still hurting

But i'm seeing myself in you and that scares me
Its funny because we used to be identical 
Not looks but within our actions and our beliefs

That was on purpose though 
It was me trying to understand you
Understand why you put yourself through what you went through

Im seeing myself in you that scares me
I'm overthinking 
Getting defensive
And maybe struggling a little bit too

Not in the way you were
Making your own reality 
But struggling with what you put us both through

I see myself in you that scares me
And at the same time I'm thinking how are we related
But maybe its just something we experience as humans

11.
walking up the stairs to put out a fire
to stop the words from flying like daggers
to stop the hurt from causing more flames
and to stop anyone else from feeling more pain
12.
listing to the stories and words you made up
training me to believe your lies
your tricks
your sickness
traumatizing me while you were aware
how were you so fine with doing that?
13.
it has to get worse before its better right?
well it did
worse and worse
I waited and asked for you to stop
what you said helped you cope
now ruins your life
14.
its going okay
only because your finally gone
two years early but why do you come back
you get home sick and scared
running to mom
the same mom you blamed for all your despair
your brain is confusing
your presence is bothering
i look in your eyes and it all comes back
i know your different
i know you've changed
but your friends do even like you
whos to blame?
cant be yourself your to smart and perfect
but go outside and buy a new mirror
the truth is your the problem
and the one who needs to change
I don't feel anger, I'm not mad at all
i only resent you for who you were and who you've become

this will go away
they say time heals
so give it a minute before we can go back
go back to joy
and closeness between us
but some things never change
like the bruises you gave all of us

it okay
its okay
its okay

this words are embedded in my heart and my mind
even its not
Its best to ignore it

repeat the words, not the pain
if you ask I'll lie
but if you look you can find

its okay
its okay
its okay

the past is the past even if it still haunts my brain

This is the moment when you left
And the moment i knew you would never come back

It was the sight of watching a loved one go away on a trip
When you are young you wonder why you can't go with them
But they have to go any way for work, family, or death

It was the sound of your favorite song being paused halfway through
But you cant ever turn it back on

Worst of all it was the feeling of losing a piece of myself
I search everywhere to find

I try to fill the void
I try to forgot your voice

But I know what you were
And I wonder what you could be

Now you are probably looking down
Saying don't cry about me
I made it to the heavens
And I'll always have you with me

I'll always have you in my mind
In my heart
And in my pocket at the least

The streets are golden
The people are kind
And there's a spot next to me
Waiting for you to arrive

“I'm sorry.”
I knew what this was
Her life got hard
She believed it was done

Her hurt and sorrow
Poured into the rope
Her face looked empty
Her soul was left hallow

“I'm sorry.”
I knew what this was
A short but bitter message of love
Not an apology but a thank you at least

She knew i had helped her
But i guess not enough

So i dialed her number
It rang and it rang
Wrote repetitive texts
Saying Please. Just. Stay

I knew what to tell her
I had been there before
In the grip of the devil
Convinced there's no more

No more but the hurt
The pain and the grief
It feels like you're falling
Like a leaf from a tree

“How can you win?
Mind vs me”
But i've been through the darkness
Now i need her with me

I reach out my hand
Extended beyond reach
I hope that she trusts me
And believes my whole speech

I dialed her number
Then heard her voice
A solemn cry
Cry for help

Cry for help
cry for comfort
Cry for the reassurance
that she wouldn't always hurt

But behind all the words
Was only a girl
A girl whos hopeless
and a girl who's scared

So as she walked to the closet
I begged her to listen
To listen to my words
I told her the value she brought to world

I told her she's loved
Cherished and enough
Everything i needed to know
When my life was once rough

I stopped her from finishing
But did not save her enough
Because the reasons and pain
Still burdened her heart

So she cried and cried and gasped for air
But no, that didn't matter
Because she is still here

Now when i look at a person
i don't see their face
I see a task and also a race
I check for signs, tears, or marks

Another person to help
Another puzzle to solve
God forbid their hurting
I have a new role to play

I become the therapist
Or the only help you need
So if you ask me why i take on the hurt
Ill say its because of each end on the phone

My friend found her reasons
Reasons to stay
But i was left with a dent
On my heart and my brain

And if you ask for a pro
I could list at least one
I get to tell you a story
About me and my savoir

You can take all your hurt
Questions and pain
Lay it at the feet of someone
Who rose from a grave

God has strength
Answers and help
You might ask me how
I'll tell you to pray

Someone once said
“But kate you still struggle”
I say its okay
To cry and to wonder

But the beauty of this
Is that your not alone
You always have your father
With a kingdom, son, and throne