At 4am you're either on top of the world, or under it.

And I don't know why I fall in love with such
self-destructive things.
When I first come across them,
I truly do believe they will numb the pain.
I didn't think you would **** me.

And I will not lie to myself when I write this.
You were my favorite mistake,
one I'd be willing to make again and again.
I would go through all the pain again,
if it meant I could just have you.

But you are my cigarette smoke,
filling my lungs.
I ignore the fact that you're slowly killing me
because as time passes without you,
you're all I think about,
and I always go back.

Why do we always go back to the things that **** us?

I want you to regret what you did to me.
I want you to have sleepless nights,
and mornings where your sadness pins you to your bed.
I want tsunamis of tears at 2am and the thought that everything is your fault.
I want regret and bitterness to fill you  like our joy use to fill each other,
and I want the broken promises to scream at you from your bedroom walls early in the AM.
I want loneliness,
so much loneliness,
and maybe then,
you'll understand the beginning of what I feel.

I wish I was better
at holding onto
longer forevers,
but I tend to shy away
from simple times
and happy endings.

I make things hard
on myself,
and complicate
every relationship-
leaving them in ruins,
and then hoping to find a forever
that actually lasts.

-k.w//a forever that lasts

I had always told people that I didn't like the night
because I had a terrible fear of the dark,
but I don't really mean that I tremble over the absence of light.

I'm terrified of the dark voices that consume me whole,
and tell me to do awful things.
I'm terrified of the emptiness that fills me to the brim,
the catastrophe that my mind experiences each and every night.

The absence of light around me is what scares me the least.
The absence of light within myself is what leaves me absolutely terrified.

He left bruises
and called it affection,
and now I'm left in
unfamiliar territory—
waiting for the moment
when you decide to love me
in a way that'll make me
feel at home,
if only for a little while.

-k.w//aftermath

Maybe now you'll begin to realize
why I can never take the word
"forever" too seriously by anyone.

Because we made promises too big
for our hearts
and reality has a harsh way
of not giving us what we want.

And even though I was the one
who called it off,
you were the one who left
months before,
leaving behind nothing but a ghost.

You always thought my words
were beautiful,
but will you still think the same
when they're written all about you?

-k.w//A Letter to my Recent Heartbreaker

And I'm so glad I didn't
**** myself when you told me to
because I would have missed so much.

The dark clouds that have housed me
for three painful years are finally starting to part,
and I'm beginning to breathe again.

And although I am scared to go outside,
and although I still have days where I want to listen to you,

I am beginning to see the sun,
and oh my god,
it is so lovely.

We have made a habit of
hiding the darkest parts of ourselves
where no one else can find them.
Sometimes, I think I've hidden things so well, I won't even be able
to recover them from myself.

And one day, we will spill
our hearts out,
and reveal everything
to anyone who is willing to listen
purely because the act of concealing
does nothing but exhaust
the soul.

-k.w//always in hiding

She is constantly moved

to become a better version

of herself,

and after living in the darkness

for so long,

she decided to become

her own light.

And although she may think

she has a long way to go,

she has survived yet another day,

and for that

i am proud.

k.w//amanda

You are not defined
by the pain in your stomach
or the tightness in your chest,
and your shaky hands
and the inability to breathe
are not signs of weakness,
although you have convinced
yourself differently.

Every masterpiece was once
a work in progress,
and there is more to you than
a disorder.

-k.w//An Open Letter to my Anxiety

i'm sorry this world
didn't love you better.
may you always be
remembered as a light.

-k.p//apology to logan

When he talked about
our life together,
he'd never fail to mention
the lack of sadness
within me.
It was almost like he couldn't
imagine a life alongside me
as long as I was
battling my own mind.

And now,
more days than not,
the sadness inside me is absent,

only he's not around
to see the light radiating off me.

-k.w//a sight you'd love to see

The first time we met
after harsh goodbyes,
did you forget how to breathe?

Were you forced to
sew yourself back together
because the reminder of loneliness
was too unbearable for you?

Because I couldn't continue to live like that-
Clinging on every reason to stay,
and ignoring every reason to go.

And maybe I don't dream
about holding your hand anymore,
but I am still learning
to breathe fresher air.

-k.w//Baby Steps

But as I'm looking back on our texts,
I find myself re-reading the last words you ever said to me.
"No problem.
I got your back."
But can you please tell me,
where you are now?
Because it has been months,
and I am constantly washed in misery,
and there has been not a single soul
to keep me company.
I still wander if you ever think of me.
Or was it just as easy to forget about me
as it was to leave me?

And the pictures that are strung up
across your bedroom wall
house nothing more than vacant feelings now.
He can no longer bring himself
to check up on you because
if he can't have you
exactly the way he wants,
then he doesn't want you at all.

He'll cope with his hurt
by occasionally offering unauthentic hello's
and cancelled plans because that's all
he has control over.
Once again,
you are left repeating the line,
"I'm sorry I hurt you,
but I am happy now."
And he'll pretend he's happy, too.

-k.w//because i don't feel the same

I'm afraid I'll always be the nails buried deep in my palms, the excuses behind why I let him hurt me, and the reason she tried to end her life.

This is anything but strength,
and I am constantly showering my hurt over everyone like debris over a war zone,

and I can't help but to feel so toxic.

You've gotten better
while I've only gotten better
at hiding that I'm not better.

So be your own garden.
Bloom only when you are ready,
and when you do,
dig your roots deep into the ground,
face your beauty towards the sun,
and grow.

That’s my advice.

Because when chaos breaks out,
and you’re lost in the madness your mind has brought on,
you will have planted your roots so deep into the ground,
you will not fall.
You will have support,
and you will be okay.

And when the world tries to break you,
and tell you to give up,
you will have seen the brighter side,
because you have seen the sun before,
and you know,
behind the clouds,
it’s still there,
and you will be okay.

And when life gets hard,
and the rain won’t stop pouring,
pounding down against your fragile self,
and you feel yourself about to give in,
you will grow
because our hardest battles,
tend to make us who we are.
So things will get hard,
and the world will break you,
but you will be okay.
Always.

Don’t wait for someone to plant flowers within you.
You are on your own,
and for a time you will hate that,
but you will soon realize,
you can be your own hero//

I'm the kind of girl
who can look at broken pieces,
and still find something worth loving.

And I hope that when you
look at me,
you're able to do the same.

-k.w//broken pieces

Our inevitable end was discovered in such an ordinary moment— eating at a cheap diner while the rest of the city was asleep. We shared a booth, and your arms were wrapped around me as you reminded me that "each day, I am new." We drove home with the windows rolled down, and we sang on the top of our lungs. Laughter filled the space around us because you were off-key and I had forgotten the lyrics, but we never cared about impressing each other. We just wanted to be real. And in this moment, you were oblivious to the fact that I knew our time was ending.

The last time you saw me, I had tears in my eyes because I knew we wouldn't speak again. But if I could go back and replay it all, you wouldn't have found a trace of sadness in my voice because it is unfair to expect everyone to stay forever. I'll still indefinitely look back on these memories and smile.

I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted, but you had the choice to love me how I was, and it was you who decided to not love me at all.

-k.w//cheap diner

I heard you started smoking,
and I hope
it makes you realize
what you did to me
when you become so addicted
to something that kills you.

And when you finally
find the strength to stop,
years from now,
you'll still find yourself
missing it.

I hope you think of me when
the smoke escapes
your lungs.

-k.w// cigarettes & metaphors

Months later,
and still I sit in the shower
for hours at a time,
hoping to one day
wash away the handprints
that didn't belong
on my body
in the first place.

-k.w//cleanse

You will cease
to exist in my world
any longer.
I have tried to love you
through the storm,
but I am learning
more and more every day
that every action of yours
contradicts
all the words you say.

You try to fight off your demons
and blame my hurt on
collateral damage,
but I am beginning to know better.
And maybe I'm bitter,
And maybe I need to grow up,
but I refuse to allow any more hurt
to take up the spaces between every
"I love you"
that escapes your mouth.

-k.w//Collateral Damage

I can't listen to Amy Winehouse on vinyl without thinking of you, and I've refrained from using your favorite coffee mug to ensure it'd be clean for your return. Even the floorboards are creaking your name now, and this house feels foreign without you. Each morning, I find myself rising with the sun, reciting the words, "Please come home."

-k.w

writing these words,
reliving this pain,
i can't tell if it's
stitching me
back together or
tearing me
apart.

-k.p

I want to show you all of my favorite songs,
so maybe when you listen to the lyrics,
you'll hear all the words I've been too afraid to say.

You'll realize that sometimes
it's easier to deny the pain you feel
rather than trying to face it,

but I hope you find enough
strength within yourself
to conquer it anyways,
before it tries to conquer you.

-k.w//Conquer

tonight,
i experienced
cotton candy skies from
thousands of feet in the air,
and all i could do
was wipe away tears
because it reminded me
of you.

-k.w//cotton candy skies

What a terrible feeling it must be
to know that you still could've had me
if only you loved me like
I deserved.

-k.w//December 5th

i remember
scribbled i love you's on
coffee shop napkins
tucked away in journals to be
rediscovered again soon
and i notice the way you
tap your fingers on your steering wheel
to every song that comes on
and i love these little things about you

i am selfish and want more of these moments
but know our time together is limited

every day i am missing you
every day i am hoping you miss me too

-k.w//distant love

They tell me not to live my life in fear,
but what if living in general
is a fear itself?

-k.w//downfall

I envy the stars for how
brightly they shine,
even in total darkness.

-k.w//emulating stars

I look into the mirror
and sadness immediately washes over me,
as I stare into the cold eyes
of my biggest enemy.

She is not a nice girl.

She is nothing but stubborn,
and she hides herself away in layers and layers of bitterness.
If anyone manages to climb her walls,
they will be disappointed when they reach the top.
And they will only have the time to say, "Is this really it?"
before she pushes them away,
and then she will wonder why nobody loves her.

She is not a pretty girl.

Scars are littered up and down her body.
Her lips are always chapped,
and no amount of make-up can hide the bags
that have made homes under her exhausted eyes.
At her feet you will see old nail-polish
cracked and half gone,
and she doesn't care to take the rest off either.
She'll pretend not to care about anything.

And tears sting my eyes,
as I realize my worst enemy,
lives inside me.
Constantly breathing over my shoulder,
telling me,
"You will never be good enough."
And I believe her.

He repeated the words
"No one will ever love you"
so many times
that I started to believe him,

and I'm in need of constant
reassurance that I'm safe
because everything he did
plays on repeat in my head,
and I feel as if
I never really escaped it at all.

I got so used to
holding my breath in his presence,
I don't think he noticed me
fading away.

-k.w//Fading

And if I were you,
I would never trust my words.
I have lied to so many by
telling them I love them,
and it is never followed by
aching guilt.

These lines are the only
form of honesty I have left,
and I'm not sure I want
this part of me to change.

So when I'm standing in
the doorway,
and I tell you
I love you,
I hope you won't make
too much of it.
I promise I won't when
you whisper,
"I love you, too."

-k.w//false affirmations

I wish I could speak the words
weighing heavy on my heart at 4am,
and I want to feel alive.
I want to be someone who kisses
another out of love— not obligation,
and I want to cling onto forevers
because I am overflowing with hope.

But I break promises on purpose now
and it doesn't hurt me one bit,
and I am only vulnerable towards
my bedroom walls and shower floor
because they are the only ones who
care to listen.
I sit silent in the car and I count
down the minutes until I'm alone again.

I have not even scratched the surface of who I want to be.

-k.w//far behind

4:02am
i am moving onto better things now.

2:14am
i remember you said "no one will ever love you like i love you" and oh god, i hope you're right.

5:57am
you are worth the fight.

4:16am
the pain is so familiar, and it's become so **** comfortable.

3:03am
this feeling of suffocation is one i never want to feel again.

7:34am
i don't know how else to tell him that i miss him.

5:47am*
this doesn't mean a thing.

-k.w//first thoughts in the morning

i) I never did a good enough job on helping my sister, and I guess that's why I blame myself when she wears long sleeves in the summer and finds unhealthy addictions in boys that never have the same intentions as her.

ii) I have a habit of making homes out of people who see me as nothing more than an empty hotel room.

iii) I stopped taking medicine altogether after the physiologist told me it would help with the sadness. I don't want to rely on anything but my mind and my heart, two things that often mislead me.

iv) My intentions are gold, but I always make things ******* myself and hurt others along the way.

v) I say the words, "I'm sorry" as often as some people say hello. You could break my bones and I'll apologize for driving you to do it.

you reside in
benevolent prose,
tightly woven
to heaving ribs
not designed to
bear this weight
of losing you.

I am still learning
to not break
at the sound
of your name;
I am still learning
to persist without
your presence.

-Kathryn Paige

And sometimes I feel as if
you've spent so much time
loving others,
that you forgot the importance
of loving yourself.

All I want
is to be there for you
as you learn how to
put yourself back together,
piece by piece,

and I can only hope
you decide
to let me.

-k.w

there is no control in anything

i feel i have no choice
but to tear apart this body
as if it's some worn down structure
with framework too shaky to house
anything other than good intentions

and i see the look in my
mother's eyes as she wishes
she could do more for me
but i have found no way to
alleviate this battle—
staying up late for sins i know
i'll regret in the morning

and the only things that stay
are those i so desperately
wish would disappear

-k.w//framework

it's been one year,
and the bruises you
left on my skin have
sunk to my heart.

-k.p

And I loved you because
you saw me—
through all that I was
and all that I was to be.

And for the first time ever,
I am to you as I
am to everyone else,
and how painful it is
to be a ghost to
the one you love.

-k.p//ghost

Although the pain was uninvited, and although it broke my heart, I'm coming out stronger because of it. I can only stay underwater for so long before I'm welcomed by fresh air.

And even though it feels like I'm drowning right now, I know it will all end in steady breaths.

It hurts now. God, it hurts now, but I know I grow in the pain.

-k.w//growing by the hour

I am breaking my
own heart just to feel something—
anything at all.

I used to regret
erasing all your voicemails.  
All I wanted
was to loop the last two seconds
it took for (you) to say
you loved me,
so that way I (never) had to fall asleep
thinking any different.

Now, I'm (really) glad
I burned all your belongings,
and threw away all your letters
that were signed with
you are so (loved).
I would've found them as
reasons to go back
because empty threats were
far too familiar to (me).

And today I saw a picture of us,
but it (did) not hurt in the sense
you'd think
because I saw you in a crowded room
just last week,
and (you) were nothing more
than a passing face.

-k.w//Healing