I was headed for more of the same
The same ways of relating
Providing and caretaking
As if I had a little sign
Above my eyes saying
“Pick me!
I’ll give such little trouble
I’ll do it for free!
You can reap the rewards and
Throw the crumbs towards me
I’ll eat them up hungrily!”

Never stopping
Until I found myself propping
My body up at the doctors office
Her telling me more of the same
That I have one more piece to
Break off and give
If I wanted to live
Even it felt then
That I gave up on myself
Such a small *****
With such a big task
Like my bones may as well be paper
My skin may as well be glass

But I had this overwhelming need
To make it all cease
How do I stop the drumming
How do I stop the marching
The flitting of sand from
One chamber to the next
The ways in which life seemed
To keep happening to me
Instead of being an active participant
I guess I lost myself in it
Unconsciously accepting more of the same

More of the same feels numb
More of the same is a lukewarm bath
A bland meal
Filling but unsatisfying
Predictable and plain

Doing what is expected makes people happy
No one has questions
But with the unexpected,
There are suspicions
Superstitions
What happened when I shattered my own mirror
On purpose because I couldn’t stand
Other peoples reflections staring back at me?
Seven years of bad luck and the
Undeniable deep knowing
That I needed to start again
Or really, for the first time
Walking under a ladder was waking up
Spilling salt meant tossing the rule book
I was handed, over my left shoulder
Not lifting a glass to toast to my ex husband
Before my first sip
Let me finally enjoy myself before
Anyone else was able to
Now I know the flavor I possess
And refuse to be diluted
Good on my own
But even better when shared
Not shamed

No I could never
Let life pass me by
Subsisting on
More of the same

You make me feel
The love and the lightning
Fire in the sky
Panic and parade

Tin roof lullaby
Rain drip drop
Snare drum roll
One after another

When the thunder cracks
I go and hide
Inside myself
How can I not

I am so small
One single drop
Amongst thunderstorm

I want the noise to stop
The beeping
The rollercoaster
The constant
Raising and lowering

I desire the still
A slopeless line
The mundane to some
Would be an unbelievable fortune
A dream that I would be
Unable to pinch myself awake from
Because it would never be realized

I crave the quiet
Ubiquitous sleep
Of the unbothered

Sometimes being alive
Feels like too much work

I don't know how I feel in this moment
I want to explore it with you
I want to figure it out along the way
Stumbe upon it and grasp it if I so desire
Or if I don't, that is also okay
Just to experience what it means to be alive
What it means to be young and free
All the things that I feel don't have to be said
If I can't configure the words to say them
I don't owe an explanation for being me

I don't know why I've tried so very hard
To forget the way you smelled or talked.
To erase my mind of your idiosyncrasies
Was something I regret, but can't confront

Because I want to feel everything again
I want to experience the sting of losing you
I don't want to block the pain anymore
I want the memory to rain over me

And instead of fastening my umbrella
I want to be drenched in what we were
I want to be enveloped by the pain
Just to remember again how much you meant

If only I could bring myself to acknowledge
How damaged I am without you by my side
I was always cautious to build my life around you
Because I didn't want to be scarred

But I had just hoped that we would work
Instead of loving and then breaking off
We were two people going down different roads
With only time to kiss at an intersection

It clouds the way I see your face
Transports me to another place
Makes me dissect a warm embrace
Oh how I wish it wouldn't

I hate to hurt, from past and you
It's trained in me, nothing to do
With how we are, I see it through
You're wonderful, I have no clue

As if you whipped my heart to shape
Looked over like a wilted drape
I trained my heart to feel like crepe
Clutched like Ann Darrow by the ape

It is my way I have found
It lifts my feet from solid ground
Like a circus mirror it confounds
Leaves me foolish in it like a clown

I don't expect you to see
The way its wicked works on me
It's hard some days, but I will always be
Much more than my anxiety

It's quite difficult to let something go
From someone you love
When you can remember, word for word
What they said to you
How they said it to you
How you felt
And how they looked in your eyes
But all you saw in them was an empty stare

Many times my heart aches and wonders why
But now this constant truth keeps echoing in my mind

The whole reason for every thing you did to me is clear
If you can't love yourself, you can never love another

You became so insecure about us
About the preconception that I would leave you someday

To find someone else
Someone more handsome
More thoughtful
Someone who wasn't you
That didn't have the qualities you hated about yourself

In me, you couldn't get past all the things you saw wrong in yourself
Even though I never said a word

I could never say I wish we never met before
Because you have taught me a lot

But, I wish I never met the agony you caused
I wished I never fell into your guilt traps
Your control techniques

You changed
And I was blamed for it

But I don't understand why
I tried to preserve who you were when we first met
That sweet boy who was genuine
Now you are just some fraud

Well, you reap what you sow
Because, now, I am not yours
You tried to justify our endings, to make it seem like it was my idea too
But the only reason I agreed
Was because I saw you were too far gone for me to try to ever love you again

We are together still, but
Like a disjointed door
We have a hinge hanging on
And one on the floor

For some reason the two of us were there
Facing bluntly, but I fondly focused
On your tapping fingers, your bouncing leg
And when my eyes came up to met your gaze
It felt like I was looking into my own stare
A part of myself I had condemned, tried hard to forget
But somehow, you were remembered
After time without thoughts or contact

You touched my hand and we overlapped fingers across the booth
And a familiarity spread that felt like it used to
You gave comfort that I was not alone in our memory
You talked of her and I of him, but it didn't damper
A morning of caffeine in my favorite study nook at school
Though I never recall your fondness for coffee
We drank and enjoyed each other if only for a little while
A pleasant visit with an old friend

It was a flash of smoke or prestidigiatation it seems
Because something felt whole when you were there
Like I was reunited with a lost friend
But I felt utterly wrong to be contemplating it simultaneously
Because of what you meant to me

Your sweet visit occurred when I was not able to stop it
Even if you do not often come to my woken head
Sometimes you sneak into my sleep

The hands spin round
Lost time unfound
But I'm not looking
For that hint of yesterday

I'm not beating a dead horse
I feel no remorse
A friendly calm memory
Replaces the clashing of pots and pans
That was you and me

Two years and I am at peace
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't speak
Because I miss the friendship we had
But I've known for awhile how to live without it

So it is okay if I'm dismissed
If I ever extend my hand into the abyss
To try to reach you from afar
After so much time
It's nothing more than a wish
That you have a beautiful life

Nuestro amor es un circulo
Nos cansamos con la rotaciòn
Arriba con la euforia de sutilezas
Debajo con las peleas repitiendas
Cada día supongo que es el último
Pero vivimos un día más y uno más
Pongo en duda mis sentimientos girandos
Pero no encuentro una soluciòn de la locura
Que encuentro en vez de esa es otro día
Y otro día de revoluciones
¿Cúando vamos a parar?

I love you in the way when the darkness falls
And we're both laying there without a sound
I can feel comfortable drifting away to sleep
With our legs intertwined, arms in uncomfortable positions, my lips barely touching your neck, your fingertips outlining the curvatures of my face
I look for the words to not say to disturb this ounce of a scrapbook moment that is placed right within our grasp
I know that when I wake up in the morning you'll be gone
Yet, I still dream of falling asleep while you're there

The way I look at you two
Is like a sweet syrupy luster
That coats and envelops you both
Like a dream of only the most divine

My heart bursts with how I feel
For both of you
And I can't quite articulate how I feel
Out loud without breaking into tears

I know already of the missing I will do:
I will miss you both
I will miss living here
I will miss you asking me if I'm going to bed soon
When I am staying up late doing homework
I will miss car rides talking
I will miss laughing with you
I will miss being close to you
I will miss crude humor
I will miss piano lessons
I will miss home cooked dinners
I will miss sitting on your bed at three in the morning asking advice
I will miss your laugh that resonates throughout a room
I will miss his smile
I will miss his stubborn ways of tying railroad spikes to everything
To keep them in place
I will miss the "Do you need a rides?"
The "Is there anything I can do to help?"'s
I will miss the way you make me feel better
Even after the worst day of my life
I will miss the bond we share

And even though you will only be a phone call away
I will miss *us

Your voice is echoing again and again in my mind
Had we really talked today?
Like nothing was wrong?
Like we still knew each other?
And it was not only for a moment, but for hours
We laughed and talked with friends and amongst ourselves
Calling each other by name
Saying funny stories
Mentioning teachers we hated

Secretly, I yearned for this communication
Because I was in the dark for so long
But I fear it
Because of my someone special
I don't want to get caught up again
Caught in your nerdy charisma
That seems to trip me up every time
**** It
Just don't let me do the same thing to my someone special
That you did to me
I don't want to continue the cycle
Of being caught up on somebody that you used to know

Being friends would be perfectly okay
If only it were possible

Silver lining
Antique finding
Intertwined fingers
Browsing eyes

Indoor maze
Shifted gaze
Can't see all
Noticing some

Vintage room
Old spittoon
Strolling past
Items forgotten

Mirror reflects
Dust collects
We evlove
But never change

quantoque magis stetisse mutant*

Your voice has changed
Deeper
Fuller
But that hint of coffee table is still intermingled in your speech
The one you tripped into as a child
That made you pronounce "math" wrong

Your eyes are still you
Pale
Green
Empty when, at me, they are occasionally fixed
Although many say that they are blue
I always saw the green in them
The life and hope that I always believed was in you

Your hair is still you
Wavy
Dark
Thick
It makes me remember lazy Saturdays
When we were inseparable
Sitting forever
While I intertwined my fingers in it

I wish I could say your personality is the same
But I don't know
All I can see are the superficial things in your life

I am like some sort of stranger
You never knew at all
Who you carelessly pass by in the hallway
Bumping shoulders
Not even saying "Excuse me"

I'm a paradox of desire
Just some tangle of prickly thorns
Push me, pull me in some direction
But know I never heed forewarns

Come with me, while I'm light upon my feet
The grass is green, the air is sweet
As we navigate through fields and around the plain
I pray you won't forget my name

As we grow up and up from our childhood guile
I hope you will look upon me and smile
Because I still will remember you the same
So, please, remember my name

And in those cold, dark lonely nights
I had always wished to hold you tight
To shield you from what comes again
Always, please, remember my name

I've loved you, love you, always will
And if you can remember still
How we used to tirelessly play the game
How could you, dear, forget my name?

I saw Scorpio in the sky tonight
It reminded me of the time
That I pointed it out to you
While we sat in that van you used to drive

You would always look up to see
But could never really pinpont
The exact location to where
My fingers truly laid

The stars and the moon looked lonely tonight
Without someone to retell their stories to
I'd tell you about Orion, but you've heard before
I'd be starstruck if I could recite them to you once more

I said I hadn't seen
The same love since
It promptly folded its newpaper
Picked up its hat
And departed
Path uncharted
Unsure of return or existence

I found him again
As he quietly unfolded the Sunday paper
Sipped his watered down diner coffee
Silently entered into the chambers of my heart
Same place and manner as the start

Love, to me, is an elderly man
Worn and tried
Tender and wise
With companionship
And twinkling eyes

And I know him again
How I thought myself deranged
For loving you all these years
In my heart, nothing changed

So I went in one day
With hearts all a'blazing

Went and hit your wall hard
But shriveled up like a raisin

So I got up, being a raisin and all
And right then and there I decided to crawl

So I crawled for a while
Under your wall, trying to get through

But I saw that was no use
So up I grew

I grew up and up
Like a big, noble tower

To see over your walls
To accumulate more power

But your walls were too high
Your demands were too steep

So I slumped down and found that
I needed to sleep

So I slept for a while
I slept a great deal

And after my dream
I realized I needed to get real

So I found my real self
Not a raisin, crawler, tower, or such

I am who I am
Not affected by your touch

But maybe some day
I'll come back
With my heart all a'blazing

But instead of me this time
Maybe you'll be the raisin

Who crawls for my love
Who will grow for it more and more

And maybe, just maybe
You will realize you could have had it before

You my golden girl
The one I idolize
With golden hair abundant
And capturing indigo eyes

I run to you at any time of day
Even at three in the morning
You will sit up in bed and talk to me
While Dad sleeps next to you, snoring

You are the one that keeps Dan, Evan, and I
Like chicks in little lines
You nurture us and comfort us
And make sure we don't fall behind

You put your heart in everything
Whether it be us, driving bus, or fiber
You are just so pleasant to be around
And you don't complain at all either

I love you like I can't explain
It's just some bond we have
Like friends almost because we're close
Around you, I can relax

You are the most genuine person I have ever met
And, knowing you, you will always deny
How you became to be that mom, who, all along
Carried light in those indigo eyes

I tried to take notes before you left
Mentally scribbling down asides
The toughness of your hands
Compared to the soft skin of mine

Blocking out the sunlight
Pulling covers over your head
Pretending that it's night
Is what it's like when we're in bed

Letting me out of the car under-roof
Needing not to brace the rain
You are a different man now
Warm-hearted, patient, unfeigned

We have the same soreness like picture day
From smiling with our teeth for so long
We almost forget what it's like to frown
Until it has passed and you're gone

It drizzled as you looked at me
Got in your car and said goodbye
This is not our first parting
But it is like that every time

You are like the drawings in the margins and the corners of my page
The little odds and ends of pencil I halfheartedly erased

Your swirls and shapes around me that I am so distracted by
Right next to the flowers that I drew and the birds up in the sky

I erased your figure just to tell everyone that moving on is what I did
But yet you are still here around me, so who then can I kid?

I go back and retrace your memory, wanting some of it to be real
But hands alone cannot reach through space, so it is only paper that I feel

Even if all the signs point to no
Everyone tells me to let it go
Even if it's written in the skies
Or it's ridden with goodbyes
If it's separated by space
If it's in an unfamiliar place
Even if our love was never true
I still can't forget you

A wise man once told me:
"All relationships have their life span"
We can't force a time period on them
They are guided only by fate's hand

Ours lived and died in its time
When I wanted it to live on forever
I wanted to conquer life with you
I wanted to face it together

Fate decided ours in its time
And I can say that I never knew
And after all of this time only I can say
That, honestly, I think of you

It's not that you consume my thoughts
I am still happy on any given day
But I see you even though it appears that I don't
And I instinctively look the other way

I can't face you directly
So, instead, I just look at my shoes
Although everyone has repeatedly said
To not care at all about you

But some part of me wonders
If you hear me thinking out loud
And if you still look onward
To see my face in a crowd

I thought about you today
I know it's not right, but you were in my mind
Swirling, encircling thoughts of the past
Wishing you were competing with us
In some absurd way
I missed you
It didn't feel complete
At that place, with those people, during our last year
I felt like you were missing something important by not being there
I remember feeling so dizzy
When we spoke there
Only a year ago
It felt so comforting that we were on good terms
And only a year ago
I wanted to be your friend
But somewhere inside of me, I always knew
That was a delusional dream, a futile attempt
"We can be friends" at departure always means
"I'd rather not talk to you, but only make awkward sideways glances at you and pretend you don't exist"

We both knew
Being friends
Was never possible
But perhaps you knew
Perhaps you read my poems
Before that moment
And knew how I felt about you
All along
And saw my furiously scribbling in my journal
*Maybe you knew I was writing about you

I don't know how much more I can take
You complaining of your body's pain and its aches
You are in agony every day, you say
But you still do nothing, no nothing will change

I can't be your mother
I'm only your lover
The one who is there
When you don't have another

But you're killing me
With the pain you won't resolve
You said you've tried
But I still say go on

Go search for a doctor
Go on till you find
The medicine that will help you
It is worth the time

I can't be your pills
I can't help your pain
I can't make you change
You'll still stay the same

You'll only change
If you want to be
Another version of yourself
Then you'll be free

I can't take this much longer
Screaming when it is no use
Its not my body
It's yours, so you choose

But know I can't cope
With seeing you stagnant
So change or don't
But don't complain about it

Delusion
Confusion
Deception
Refusion
Hopeless
Intrusion
I am
So
**Lost

She is of the water
Of some ungrounded, unexplored region
She is something that could slip right through your fingers
You can see it in her clear blue eyes

He is of nature
Unmoving, unchanging, and strong
He is something that could last forever
You can see it in his hazel eyes

Yet, she is a girl raised in the mountains
And he, raised by ocean tides
Perhaps what first gravitated them toward each other
Lived far within their eyes

Oh, Kai Guy
How I love to pick you up and spin you in circles
To watch the overwhelming bliss that comes to your face
From centripetal force

Then I set you down on the floor
Back to reality once more
You stumble and even fall some times
Tumbling to the ground in childish wonder
But you always come back asking for another spin

Someone older
Someone stronger
Someone more attentive
Someone different
Maybe you cared
That he is someone
That isn't you

I am always the first to cave in an argument
Like a burning building
With a collapsing ceiling
I fall all at once
The fire is too hot
The smoke is too thick to see my own side

What is it that I want?
What is it that I need?
I'm so used to hearing answers from you
But what about me?

I hate asking questions to myself
Because I don't know the answers to my own dilemmas
I had better begin searching in the corners of rooms,
On postage stamps that are on their journey to foreign lands,
Or in the pages of my old diaries

What did I think I was going to be like?
What did I want?
Maybe that way I can help myself find
What I do want

I always wanted to be stronger
A force to be reckoned with
Instead I cringe whenever I am yelled at
And let others have their way

So maybe now is the time
To be the girl I always wanted to be
Because former me
Would want me to want to be herself

There was life
I swear
Once, there was

Now there's just three yards of cold, hard linoleum tile between us



And silence.



An ongoing silence that makes me want to scream so hard




Just to hear something.

I am afraid that your fingers
Would grasp mine
In the precise way
That his used to

And I am scared
That the inflection in your voice
Will resonate in my brain
As all the same

But, to tell you the truth
I don't want you to be him
I don't want to do the same things
With you that I did with him
After all, it never worked out
I'm just scared this won't either
And I'm scared that you're not the right one

What changed in those days?
The time we spent together
Was it the look in your eyes or the weather?
The heat of summer and long conversation?
Out until early morning
Discussing the way we both like
Sitting in cars during rainstorms
Being immersed by the water
Sitting silently in that moment
Letting the world fold around us

Yet it terrifies me to think that you'll be too close
I don't want to let you in
Subconsciously I have shut down my heart
You're knocking ever so patiently
I just have turned on a lamp
Feigning hospitality
When all I feel is hostility
Because I don't know how to remove the deadbolt
When you bring your hands to my heart
And I feel the thumping in my chest

I want to invite you in
To have a cup of coffee
Just to meet you halfway
To take a chance on something
It may be good
Or it may be devastating

You're like a drug
And I'm the addict
Trying to break free
From your grasp
But I can't help but trip and fall
Sometimes
When I have a relapse

You break my heart
Every single time
It's okay
I don't mind

Don't look at me
I am actually scared
Scared that you'll see through me
And the face that I've prepared

But I can't help but feel
That I break my own heart
Even believing there's a chance
That you think of me

I have always wanted to
Tie a bow around the world
And present it to you as whole
But the hows and why's don't add up
Life is simultaneously illogical and cruel
And intricately absolute in its ways
Though it kills you as you live
With sprinkles of magic in the madness

I would love to give you everything
You've ever needed but didn't get
If only I knew how to retrieve time
If only it were my place to do so

Songs transport me back in time
No matter where I am I can listen
And feel as if I am in another place

This time it was a different song
I Just Can't Get Enough
The music video is set in Japan
And the song lyrics reminded me of you

I remember listening while I was in Colorado
And you were across the ocean
Visiting your sister in Japan
Two years ago

I imagined myself there with you
And hoped that we would visit together
Sometime after we were married
Perhaps ten years down the road
Like we had planned in childhood fascination

I had imagined us touring gardens
And the bright city of Tokyo
Riding bullet trains and visiting ASIMO
Eating ridiculously overpriced McDonald's
While old Japanese women ask us if we're famous
And practice their English with us

While I hold your hand and gently sing
"I wouldn't want to have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough"

If you wish to talk to me no longer, I understand
I wasn't prepared when you grabbed my hand
And when you looked at me like that I must confess
I felt and aching and breaking inside my chest

Because I knew and said that I wasn't ready
My head is a mess and my balance unsteady
You were nothing but wonderful near and far
Talking with me till morning in your car

What I felt was honest, what I knew was true
I don't deserve the things you do
Because I know it now than ever more
I'm not ready for you knocking at my door

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please please believe
Even though it's cliché, it's not you, it's me