What's so bad about remembering
Only for a little while?

I feel like some toy
Just a rag doll you play with
Tug at my yarn hair

And by the way we stood today
I almost forgot
That we weren't together

It is not significant by any means
But yesterday I hurt my toe
It bled and is still sore
I almost said on the phone

And I almost disclosed
How my fitbit is precisely
Two days, three hours, and twenty seven minutes off
In time to wake me up at 4:33 am
Wednesday through Sunday
And to turn it off
I must walk
Half asleep, tripping over crumpled clothes
In the dark
And most days I must do it twice
Because it doesn't believe my feigned woken state

I almost said how I think of you
And miss being able to spend all day
Inseparable and evergreen
Sometimes I ache to think of how far
I put myself away from you
Constantly
But when I mention the aching
I am met with an "It's okay"
But it feels the opposite way

And just yesterday, as I gave it more thought
To something I forgot,
Something I had been scared to ever feel
Palpable and real
With a wide open heart, I concurred
That I could be happy anywhere in the world
If you and I were together
I forgot how I used to be
How the sheer thought of needing someone else
Has terrified me

I don't feel as alone
I almost said on the phone
I don't feel as without
I am enjoying the time by myself

These things are by no means
Things you absolutely had to know
But things I had hoped to share
I know you are busy
I know you care
But I wanted you to know
I had more to say on the phone

My chest full of drawers holds my life
Although, of drawers, it only has three
It contains all of the objects
That define the girl that is me

My watch to count the hours
My glasses to guide my sight
My pens to write my story
My lamp to see at night

My bible to teach me how to live
My baby blanket, with which it is covered
With its little glass knobs and craftsmanship
It embodies my grandmother

Since she is gone, this is what I have
My little night-side table of drawers
It is my representation of her
To cherish and adore

It holds my secrets
Those ones I've never shared
All of my unfinished letters
Because even now I know she cares

She is there to confide in
And helps me remember to believe
She encourages me to stay true to myself
And, of my pain, she does relieve

What have you done to me
What type of spell have you cast
To make me feel profoundly
To make my love for you last

It's not that this space
Aches in your lack
It's that it feels fuller
When you come back

You know you are getting bored when you start to make up a song about your dogs wanting their dinner
*In Spanish

I wonder if we have anything in common
We probably do.
*We can't be that different

I wonder how it would be
To actually wake up next to you
To walk into my kitchen and see you there
Reading the morning paper
Drinking your coffee

I wonder how it would be
To kiss you goodbye
While we both head off to work
To support each other
To live our daily lives

I wonder how it would be
To go out to lunch
Or talk on the phone
About our days
Or those people at work who drive us nuts

I wonder how it would be
To finish our days
To come home and cook dinner together
And cuddle up and watch television
Until we are seduced by sleep

I wonder how it would be
To look you in the eyes
While we are in our pajamas
And say "Goodnight"
While still being together

But I don't wonder what it's like to love you now
Because I already do
Without doing these things
Right now, this is just a fantasy
But one day, it just may be our reality

Maybe I’ve been complacent
Unable and unwilling
To do without

Maybe I’ve been screaming
With my own hands
Over my mouth

I love to love you fully
Give myself away
As I lose sight

As if it were romantic
Tempt me
And I might

It is the map I follow
Hang a left
At a guilt trap

Empowering myself to change it
Not too late
For turning back

In a dreamy lullaby
I saw you for the first time in a while
Your eyes were different I suppose
And in the dim lighting, they did glow
Your hand brushed mine and you smiled lightly
But I was chilled by this contact slightly
I had emotions for you, sure I did
But I thought your feelings for me were all but rid
I let mine come through, I showed my heart
And you showed yours too, which is the unrealistic part
You said you still had a tingle deep inside
That when you saw me, your heart would fly
When I walked past you could not breathe
Which is exactly what you do to me
We tried, oh my, we tried and tried
To make time erase from tired minds
But in the end, it slipped far away, you see
Because nothing can be how it used to be
So you left me alone to reconcile
How to move on from your unpurposeful guile

Today was the first day in a while that I thought
About being in your dad's garage
While you set up your lights and trusses
Trying to make a show
You explained to me how they worked
And smiled that smile when you looked over at me
While I was just soaking it all in

I remember, once, being there
Being lost with you
In that moment
Listening to blaring music
Watching your light show play on the ceiling and walls
Being amazed by you
And what you could do
My heart full to bursting of things I couldn't say
Feelings I felt for you
Being there was like being in your heart
I was a third party watching you doing what you loved best
Surrounded by the things you loved the most
Things you are great at
And, now, I can't look at you doing it
Creating shows and productions
Like at homecoming or at prom
Because it breaks my heart again and again
To know I can't stand in your garage and see you create
*Magic

I have only felt this way
Once before now
And it was you then too

I tried so very hard
To turn you into that thing
You said you would turn me into

I turned you into a box
That sits high up in my closet
With only the most valuable things in it
To remember

There are corsages and letters
And that ****** bracelet I can't look at
There are smiley faces
And cards
And quotes all around the sides
To keep me from looking at it
Because it knew I would linger
And go back

Sometimes that box falls off my shelf
Straight into my arms
And I collapse onto the floor
Looking at what was
Contemplating if everything was
Just some lie
A beautiful lie

It's you that I cannot deal with
You, with your simplistic complicated ways
You, who I could never get a hold of
Who just floated away
You are irritating, you know that?
For someone who is here
You are quite unreachable
Always somewhere else
Thinking of someone else
Never me
Always something else
Looking towards the future
I would go up to you
Go up to you and tell you that when I said "Happy Birthday"
It made my heart melt
I would ask you to save me from the hell of loving you
With no hope of getting out or knowing how you feel
But I don't think you can save yourself
From your own hell
Do you know that I love you?
That when he said to you that I am your ex-girlfriend in front of me
I could barely breathe or speak
And you just replied
"Yes, I know, she is still a really nice girl though"
I almost cried
Yeah, I'm just some nice girl who cares about you more than you know
I can't stop searching and looking for you
Looking for you to look for me
I have never known how to love
someone until now
Loving someone means going through this
Being quiet and caring for them in what ever way they need
Standing as far away from them as possible
Even though it's not what you want
It is the still of the silence that you sit in and wonder about them
About the curvatures of their face or what they said the other day
It is not knowing what will happen, but still holding on to something
Loving someone is grueling, it's terrible, excruciating.
Having feelings for someone, wondering if they are reciprocated
But loving someone also means understanding if they don't feel the same

I know this one
Whom I admire
For the way love has
Set his heart afire

He burns himself
In his midnight oil
Love's cruel game
Leaves him to toil

Tossing and turning
In the midnight seas
If only she could
See what he sees

If only he were to
Again feel her touch
If only she knew
If she cared that much

But here he sits
Not drifting to sleep
Knowing in his heart
The secrets he keeps

His love is so tangible
It is so real
That even an outsider
Can feel what he feels

The pain on the inside
The pain on the out
Is because it is her
He can't live without

There is never a house
There is never a home
There is never a life
For a man on the road

The show highs are so high
And the show lows are so low
But they'll always be
For a man on the road

Hotel rooms are lonely
Nights spent while you roam
They never feel *****
To a man on the road

The women are there
They come, but they go
How can they truly love
A man on the road?

I once wanted to follow one
Who carried life's load
But there was no room for me
With my man on the road

My love will remain what it is
While he roams and he roams
He'll carry it with him
My man on the road

I can't help that I'm not graceful
I still can't do a cartwheel
Or maybe I can
I haven't checked in a while

I can't help that I'm not breathtaking
I have never seen my effect on others
I actually never thought about
If he catches his breath when he sees me

I can't help that I get anxious
My feet tap, I start to hyperventilate
But doesn't everyone?
Am I so abnormal?

I can't help being myself
Because if you think about it
Am I really so different
*From everyone else?

In the heat of the daytime
And in the cool of the night
Sometimes it escapes my mind
But when caught in the moment
Of favorite songs
I can't help but feel sublime

You confront me subconsciously
And encircle me dearly
I cannot escape from you now
I want to forfeit and surrender
To feel and remember
But I honestly do not know how

When I'm caught in those moments
On cool spring nights
During a car ride home with my someone new
A song comes on the radio
Which reminds me of us
And I look out the window as trees brush through

He is talking to me
But all I can seem to grasp
Are the issues that lie on my heart
I'm dreaming of you
And remembering last year
On this night, when we fell apart

I am envisioning laying in my bed
The covers strewn over my head
Shaking and crying with grief
Perhaps there was something more
Something I can't quite put my finger on
That brought me some sense of relief

Perhaps it was the thought
That things were not right
That every time you hugged me, something was missing
But maybe that wasn't your fault
Or mine either
So what's so bad about reminiscing?

It's been a year
I can't believe
I can't quite reconcile
How everything seemed so perfectly chaotic
But self-destructive
And I hid it all with a smile

I could tell it in your eyes first
It was those eyes that said I did some thing
Something terribly wrong
Something I immediately regretted when it escaped from my lips
I said I wanted this weekend to think
As a break from our hectic week
And your eyes dropped
Because you knew
Not many couples come out of breaks alive
I should know, it happened to me too

But I said it, it came out
And I said how I felt the whole week
That we were flirting with the boundary of
Being in a relationship
That every day, I compared our relationship to being sick
How many times would we dry heave before throwing up?
And you were genuinely surprised
Because in your eyes, we were just getting our feelings out
So we could work through them

And in that moment, I knew
You inspire me
Like you say I inspire you
You inspire me to keep trying
To keep going
Because, like you say, a relationship requires work and sacrifice
"Love is not easy, but when I look into your eyes, it is all worth it"

And in the stupidest of moments
The ones where we are just goofing off
Or the ones where we are screaming at each other
Because I am not afraid to yell
You taught me to express how I feel
I can honestly say that you make me feel Like myself
I am not pretending to be another person around you
I can sing along to the radio in the car
And you will tell me that you love my voice
You cover me when I get cold
Because you legitimately care about me
You ask my opinion on things and love my mind
I can look at you and see why I am with you
Because we suit each other well
You are my best friend

Nodded off and then awakened
Fluttered open bright blue eyes
You woven tight right up against me
Legs, arms, whole bodies intertwined

Absorbing the moment slowly
Heart filled to bursting at my front
I sighed, closed my eyes, and thought
"This is all I'll ever want"

To the world, you are concrete
You are a face of stone because at one point you were soft
Vulnerable
And when you were vulnerable, you cracked
So you hardened

You are a slab of solid rock, yet replaceable in your own eyes
Someone could wander along one day and fill you over with someone new
Someone fresh and vibrant
But did you ever think of the marks that are left in the surface of concrete?

They distinguish that you were here, you were remarkable
You did something worth remembering
So, yes, concrete is easy to replace, but only if you let it become replaceable

It doesn't have to be some huge ordeal
Not a clash and clamor of pots and pans
Or the thunder of lightning
It doesn't have to make a ruckus

I want that kind of quiet love
The one that sits next to you on the couch
But doesn't have to say anything
Because it knows that you don't always have to talk

I want that kind of love
Where you go to the same diner together every Saturday
Playing hangman and connect the dots
On the back of worn-out, faded pink and blue, advertisement place mats
While you order the same meal because it is tried and true

I want that love where you can go to the supermarket together
Just wandering aimlessly through isles
Deciding on what to make for dinner
Debating over whether $4.99 is a proper price to pay for Rigatoni

That love where you can sing in the car
Along with the radio
Even though you are horribly off key and so am I
But it doesn't matter
Music was never our forte anyway

I want that quiet kind of love
I guess what I really want is friendship

I saw a shooting star tonight
And thought of wishing for you
When I looked over beside me
And saw him smiling my way

I thought about my life
In that split second that it passed
The tail burning brightly
In the dark night sky

And I wouldn't change a thing
Not a broken heart
Not a minute wasted
Not a moment regretted

Because I am happy
With how my life is
Just the way it is
So I closed my eyes tightly
Knowing already, I got my wish

Let's build a sandcastle
Like we are playful kids
Let us build up a mighty fort
Before the waves crash it in

Come, run through the waves with me
Let's go and fly a kite
There's something in the air today
That lingers through the night

It's the essence of summer
Even though it's far too early
I want to play alongside the beach
And be child-like and girly

Your eyes tell me you feel it too
And your smile tells me you enjoy it
So we float in the ocean for awhile
Basking in the peace of being buoyant

This is where I want to be
Alongside the ocean with you, alone
Even though there are other places I could be
This is my new home

We always want what lies behind
Door number two

My face is
Your shame
My pain is
Your reminder
My words are
A knife

Oh, my love, look what has happened to us
You aren't my love anymore
And I don't know how to be myself
Without you, without our relationship, if that makes sense

I've tried to distract myself
From the void that you left
By filling it with other things
With other people, not permanently
And not always romantically
I just wanted a distraction

When in reality, I just need to let it be there
I need to cry in the shower
I need to scribble all my thoughts
On the corners of diner placemats
And I need to know how it feels
To be all by myself

When I think of you
All I can recollect
Was how I lost my very best friend
The day you walked away

When I let my mind conjure an image of you
I need a hug, I feel an immediate lacking
And your embrace is all that will do
That would be a solace to my soul

You were a cup of coffee on a fall morning
An unexpected turn on a familiar road
You were exactly what I needed

But eventually, the coffee turned sour and cold
And the woods got dark and I got lost
You were what I needed, but not what I need

Oh, my love, you deserve the world
I just have to do right by myself
Because if your world would have continued to be in mine
Neither of us would have been happy
We would have compromised everything we each wanted
Because, wretchedly, we were heading different ways

Why force it when it wasn't supposed to be?

I can never bring myself to forget the way you loved me
You showed me what it meant to feel safe in a relationship
I'm sorry that I became too safe, I took you for granted at times
But at other times, I needed you so desperately, like you were air
And I was suffocating, and I just needed you more the more you gave
I just could never get enough of you, I'm sorry for hurting you

I miss our inside jokes, I think if someone told me that I was a child
Ever again, I would probably start sobbing
I can't ever really look at things the same way I used to

And I keep thinking of cooking with you in your kitchen
On Saturday mornings when we were inseparable
And that other time you sliced your finger while making chicken
And I overreacted because I didn't ever want to see you hurt
Then the way you looked at me like you couldn't have ever cared more
About any other person in the entire world, moves me to tears

But despite all of these memories that surround me, I just want you to know
You are an incredible person and I am happy to have had the pleasure
Of being your best friend for three years
Even though I always didn't do such a great job
Thank you for being mine, for being there, for caring so much

I pray you find a woman who is everything you want and need
Someone who adores your hazel eyes and enveloping deep voice
Your hobbies that you immerse yourself in
The way your eyes crinkle when you laugh
And how you love entirely, with everything you have
Your generosity and kindness
The way you smelled, deep and sweet
I hope she adores you as much as you adore her
You deserve the world

Tender is the way I'd describe
The way his hand rested
On his new bride

And something blue and
Something white
And something new and
Something bright

It shone from both of them
When I saw it, I couldn't pretend
I wasn't happy then

Because I was, I could have been there
Being happy collectively
With her newly sworn in family

If I had wanted to be
If it had been right for me
Which it wasn't, by the way

Because happiness came with contemplation
And shame as I saw myself
In my disdain for them all at times
Sometimes unmerited
As they are people too

It shifted as I saw
How they all stood together
That behind all the ways
They drove me mad
I was not meant to be in their place

I didn't at first think of him
What we were, what it was
I only thought of how content
I was for them
And secondly, about how I knew
That him and I were not meant
To be the ones standing there
In the way that I pushed it away
When he talked
So I said maybe
In the future, years from now
I didn't know I didn't want it
But I couldn't say it
Describe the way I maybe could have seen
Being married and secretly unhappy
Splitting up maybe

I'm happy to be gone
I'm happy I've moved on
To someone I could in the future see
Holding on to me quite tenderly

When I'm left to my own devices
I'm adept to live with crisis
It's just when others mix themselves in
Then the trouble starts to begin
I tend to second guess myself and always think twice
But this hesitation comes at a price
When life is lived for others
All your hopes and dreams are smothered

We were too young, before
I'm assured
That we weren't meant for then
But for now, we were fashioned
A love without ration

Your soft kiss on the palm of my hand
Twisting roads and revealing plans
Hold onto me as I will you
I have never seen it quite this true
I'll never cease to marvel at how
We were meant for now

Oh and if we were the co-authors of this dear life,
What a beautiful ballad, together, we'd write!
And if it were left onto our hands
The world could then see the depth of our plans

But it is written by a maker more clever than we
Twists and turns in the works make us hold on to see
For He knows much better than you would or I
For our wants are decided, our needs are supplied

I hated her
I used to
The way she silently scribbled of you
On used napkins with borrowed pens
Loving someone who would never return
It stung but she craved it
The rhymes helped with the burn

I hated the way that she cared
The way she held on
The way she was scared
Her lingering devotion
Hands tangled in wrought
Loved the way that she wrote
Hate the way that she thought

Now, I want to be her
Again, I always will be her
The one that documents asides
Of you, in the margins of my notebook
Of your curly thick locks
As they go from midnight to cloudy
As laugh lines settle
Into our seasoned smiles
As crow's feet form
On our twinkling eyes
I'll forever write of how you bewitch me

Circling, circling*
Around and around
Eventually, you fall
And hit the ground

When the room was clear and stage was dark
I felt a pang inside my heart
As I looked to where you used to be
I sighed a familiar sigh

The sigh that knows your name
But does not need to utter the syllables
Because even if it is not said
It knows that I sigh for you
I cry for you
I'd lie for you
But I hide from you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
Every love song, in soprano
Serenades in smoky rooms
With low voices whispering in your ear
Soothing you into a trance
If you come closer, you can hear
My yearning voice for you
You can almost feel
My light touch across you dance

I compare stories of every love 
I have ever heard
To our tale, in my mind
Like a kindergartner trying to cut out a picture
Based on a pattern held with stubby hands
I line the edges up just right and see what fits into us

Oh, I look around and hope you are there
To notice me
To think of me
To dream as I do
As if I were the only girl you had ever loved
The only girl you are capable of loving
The only girl you want
But what can I give you?

I've waited a long time
And I'm pretty sure I'd wait again
Because I'm your fool
A jester 
That's performing only for your applause
For you to admire from the first row
To clap your hands and shout "Bravo!"

Your words, to you
May not have little importance
But to her
They are what she thinks about the rest of the day

Your phrases echo in her mind
The syllables and dialect dance in her brain

You may even find yourself of little importance
You had decided a long time ago
That you were never worth it
Because everything else was so messed up in your life
And it was your fault,now, wasn't it?
But I know it was never your doing
And she does too
Maybe this mysterious woman and I
Are one in the same
A little too understanding
A little too inviting
A little too forgiving
A little too naive
A little too in love
For our own good
After all, the girls who love lost boys
End up lost themselves

I remember meeting him quite precisely
Your grandfather: Thanksgiving of 2012
He lived alone, in a house he owned
And built, by hand, family dwelled

I heard some stories
War glories
The second one that rocked the world
Gentle and kind, he left behind
His normal life and special girl

As I approached the door, I was met
With the sweetest, loving grin
Glasses donned, he led us on
Into the house to sit with him

Inside he told me of his passed wife
And the room he kept for her
Of her artwork and clothing
Ready, if she could ever return

The night passed by like honey
Nostalgic and syrup-sweet
The kind you remember distinctly five years from then
Ones you wish to repeat

He waved us off in his way
Standing at the door
Feathering his hand back and forth
Until the house could be seen no more

I had seen him twice or so more
Until you and I parted for a time
But I always asked of him as I could
Even though I didn't think I should

I heard he gave you grief
For parting from me
At his 90th birthday party
We had something special, he could see

On Thanksgiving, five years later
You and I reconciled
And he came down for a meal,
And I was met again with his smile

I tried to see him as much
As I could because I knew
Sometimes elderly people get lonely
And I would want visitors too

Then he fell ill from the hospital
And so it commenced
The decline of his health
Months of agonizing suspense

Until this week
I drove three hundred and twenty miles
To see him before he passed
To see one of his last smiles

It happened hours after I arrived
I got to say goodbye
I told him I was there, I made it
I saw him and I cried

He could not do much, but he could hear
He could barely even see
And as I let him know I loved him
His last words were his love for me

You sobbed as he said he loved me
You could see him struggle to speak
You told me to move a bit away
As you whispered your intent of someday marrying me

He passed there with us all
Surrounded by love, covered in prayer
The doctors were amazed by our presence
That so many people were there

A day or two later we wrote of him
How can you paraphrase a full life?
Of his war time stories and his glories
Of his loving kids and wife

In the survived by part is where they wanted
To include me but did not know where
To call me a friend didn't seem fitting
For all of the love and care

So you took the computer and put me in
Where you felt like I needed to a part of
Being married was signified with parenthesis
So you wrote next to you (Someday Careena)

The room is spinning
Why can't it just stand still?
For a simple moment
Can't we fixate on the fact
That we love each other
Rather than meaningless things in life?

I could never say goodbye to you
I could just never pull away
It's something in the way you move
That makes me want to stay

Even in the silence that falls around
Simply you holding my hand
Simply the feeling of your heart
Others could never understand

Even in those last moments
When I had to leave for good
I stayed for hours in that moment
Even though I doubted I should

It's in the way you make me feel
And in the way for you I fell
In the front seat of your car
And without you, life is hell