I sat down at one of your family dinners and examined the table.
I read your grandmother's mind and she was upset about my shoulders showing.
I apologized through a smile and a "this looks delicious."
Your grandfather passed me the plate of turkey and smiled at me, complaining about the broken oven his wife was oblivious about.
All I could do was laugh.
Your father began trembling.
He took off his mask and your mother fell apart.
He relapsed again.
Your sister played the victim until your father came back to the table.
I thought the sound of her voice was annoying, but it was nothing compared to her scream.
I whispered to you about how I did not want that to be my sister-in-law.
You called *******.
Your mask began chipping.
It was all angel food cake from there on out.
That's what I convinced myself while sitting in the chair.
One by one your family members stood up.
but you and I stayed sitting.
I picked the long blonde hair off of your shoulder and questioned how it got there.
Who was it?
I was accusing you of cheating?
That's ******* KALE!
I bit my tongue.
I was naive.
So when you stood up and left we were all surprised.
Your sister called me stupid and I kicked the legs off of my chair.
My mother asked yours to control her daughter, your mother didn't answer.
I suppose it's true that ******* give birth to dogs.
I broke the table.
And when you returned all of my things you were mask-less.
Your eyes tried to invite me to another family dinner, so i let you know that i have lost my appetite.

Let’s play a drinking game.
For every time you watch a family fall apart due to this addiction, take a shot.
For every time withdrawals hold your body hostage in a shaking embrace, take a shot.
When the room starts spinning, run to the bathroom.
For every time you have to flush your ***** down the toilet, chug a beer. Chug. Chug. Chug.
While doing kegstands, make yourself at home.
Everything only goes upside down from here anyway.
You’re not the only person getting intoxicated.
Everyone that’s worried about you has been living with an incurable hangover since the day you chose to put alcoholism over family.
Mind over matter.
Why does it  matter  anyway?
When you were grabbing your “first” beer from the fridge at your twenty­first birthday party, your mama said that she didn’t m  ind.
She feels guilty for acting like she was okay with it, even to this day.
Let’s play a drinking game.
For every funeral you miss because you were passed out on the tile, take a shot.
When you get the call that your mother passed away at the hospital that you didn’t visit that day, take a shot.
When your head starts spinning, run to anyone who’s arms are open.
For every time someone suggested that you get help but you brushed it off, buy a bottle. Buy two. Buy three.
But I hope that when you are sitting under an overpass begging for spare change, you realize that no amount of coins or bills can buy back the life that you chose to let go.

I tremble
I tremble like table legs when a heavy cart of dishes rolls across the restaurant floor
I tremble
I am tree tops, I am ripples in the water
I sway
to the sound of your voice I lean closer
to the warmth radiating from your skin I am attracted
like a robber hiding from a home owner I gulp at the sound of your anger
I smile at the view of your dimple.
I beam.
I sigh.
you make me happy,
but I often cry.
like a stomach full of butterflies while going down a steep drop, we are a roller coaster.
every happy moment brings anticipation until we reach the peak.
everything up here is amazing.
the steady second between up and down.
I wish the ride broke here.
but we drop.
the kind that makes your guts tease your throat.
the kind that makes you so nauseous that you have to ask yourself if you need to get off or if you're willing to do it again.

"I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of god"
Galatians 5:21

with a flick of his dollar store lighter,
the paper and its contents light.
smoke fills every corner,
reaching out like a child's hands before going down a slide.
he can't remember his youth,
for he put his life behind him when they dunked him in the water.

"brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. but one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead"
Philippians 3:13

he strained toward what was ahead with many questions.
many he wasn't patient enough to find the answer to
cold feet, warm hands, lost cause.
mom and dad were sitting in a room of worship.
as he worshiped his joint.
he sees God through glossed blood shot eyes.
only has faith when he is not in his right mind.
many say parents who force religion on their kids end up dealing with the worst.

"why are you angry? why is your face downcast?"
Genesis 4: 6

his parents didn't understand his changes in belief.
he didn't know if he ever even believed in the first place.
he didn't want to be a disappointment,
but it was inevitable.
they sure would be disappointed if they knew what he was doing now.

"even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall"
Isaiah 40:30

the last party he went to was where he discovered heavens gates,
there were so many new things,
he almost couldn't take it all in.
the smell of the snow, the pinch of the needle
why wouldn't god want him to feel this good?
why have the golden gates turned silver?

"because of these, the wrath of God is coming"
Colossians 3:6

roommates turned to inmates,
space outside was limited.
after spending years in prison he was finally set free.
when he went back to his apartment he found his bible still laying on the coffee table.
he ripped a page and rolled up the first blunt he's seen in a long, long time.
he closed his eyes and started planning out a better life as a knock sounded at the door.
his apartment could not be his anymore.

"should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?"
Proverbs 5:16

he made a home out of a blanket, a guitar, and the basement of an overpass.
every donation going into his drug dealers hands
never enough food to keep his stomach from rumbling.
he blamed it on the shake of the over pass
when winter came
God became more bitter
he introduced him to his brother
and buried him in the ground

"for like the grass they soon will wither, like green plants they will soon die away"
psalm 37:2

I've buckled my heart in your passenger seat.
I have put my trust in you.
that's large coming from someone with trust issues,
they've shrunk but they still don't feel small.
I've buckled my heart in your passenger seat.
I've turned the airbag off.
with every pump, push the pedal,
every beat, speed up.
I have put my trust in you.
that's large coming from someone with trust issues,
arms stretched out, skin stretched in
they live on.
turn the radio up,
turn my trust issues down.
they've shrunk but they still don't feel small.
they're small but they're not gone at all.

you can call them my veins
well, I consider them vines
when you look for what grows it is you that you'll find
my blood vessels are ships, and they sail the blood sea
carrying cargo called 'words' from your mouth to me
and my bones are the homes of each memory
they ache when you leave
but they are calm when you breathe
my skin is the sky
scars being stars
I've created this world, dear
but it's not mine
it's ours

Delilah baby I can feel the weight of you in my arms.

I can feel my k to z love for you and see how that laugh of yours makes people cry
and how that smile pierces my heart because it looks just like his did.

I can feel the sun kissing each one of our toes as we sit overlooking the grand canyon in the kaleidoscope sunset.
your spider fingers are wrapped in my hair like a plea to never be left alone
your spindle legs are all knobby kneed and pale entwined with mine.

baby he left me not you.

I was a hurricane and he loved you too much to look

afraid that one glance and he'd be head over heels reeling out of control
like you were the drug and he was the addict.

they say everything happens for a reason and you are my reason.

Delilah baby you are the here and the now of forever.
the stop sign on the corner is an obstacle for street racers but its a godsend because its just enough of a pause for me to kiss you between the eyes.

and I can't ever finish anything so this story isn't complete

and at the top of the pass where the air is clear enough if we sing loud enough maybe he will hear us and remember who he left behind.