Just another pretty face
Just another girl with big *****
Just another girl with the great curves
Just another girl,
Who could resist?
Just.
Another.
Girl.
I am more than this.
A pretty face doesn’t get you far in life.
Or so you think.
My face hides more than you would imagine.
Aching pain, horrors not meant to be seen.
In my head there is so much going back and forth.
I am so nervous I feel like I am going to be sick.
Emotions pile miles high inside of me.
Sometimes I feel like I could explode with anger.
Or cry myself to sleep.
Or maybe just fake everything with that stupid grin on my face.
What did she do?
She said that about you?
You won’t believe what she did.
Can you even believe her?
Lies lies lies lies lies lies.
Looking out into the crowd,
and everyone’s beady eyes looking back.
He’s not there, stop looking.
Oh yeah and him?
Forget it,
Because he already forgot you.
You’re nothing to them.
Just some piece of meat they can take
Swings at.
Life is so hard isn’t it.
You poor poor thing.
So go ahead,
Pretend to be something that you sure as hell
Aren’t.
Wow I am so sorry about that girl.
Yeah don’t even worry about it,
You’ll find someone.
Knowledge is painful, but
Beauty is a burden.
Open your mouth,
And tell somebody.

I look back on all my old poems
Wow

This is love.
I feel resurgence in myself.
All these old gears are turning again.

You have to take time to sit down,
and just shut up for a minute.

Remember, please remember

Our first time meeting.
I was so nervous,
but I was so calm around you.
He's different

Our first date
How can this many embarrassing things happen in one day
He definitely saw my ****.
Accident.

Our first kiss
Just like in the movies
One swift motion,
And I was there.

Remember
*Please

she could end it all.
no one could stop her.
complete power in her small hands.
finally some control over something.
the bath water would no longer be clear,
but burn crimson red.
nobody was there.
all alone with herself,
and her thoughts.
her stupid mouth and her stupid thoughts.
she hated herself.
like no other hatred.
her body her mind her soul,
swallowed by the darkness and
consumed by the crimson red.
she was a good girl,
she did was she was told.
she brought happiness to others,
and smiles and tears.
she was troubled,
but all smiles.
no one would of thought she would do it.
she was smart enough to know.
she should have been smarter.
but she never could measure up to anything.
she was a disgrace.
her broken body and soul lay across the floor.
all she ever wanted in life,
gone.
gone
the crimson red rushed around her shattered being,
giving her an ethereal glow.
she looked happy, at peace.

I am lost and wandering,
scared and alone in the world.
There's no safe place anymore.
No haven for me.

There's no warm embrace greeting me everyday.
No groggy smiles in the morning.
No late car drives around the city.
No comforting calls or messages.

The only things that remain are memories.
Some more faded than others.
Most are so etched into my mind,
they've become permanent.
I can't let them go.

I have no safe haven.
Nothing there keeping me from going over the edge,
again.
I'm not safe from anyone anymore,
not even myself.
They'll find me again,
they always do.
And when they do you won't be there to protect me,
or to hear my muffled cries.
I'll cry out for you to help me,
save me.

*Nothing

I hate being a woman
Some may ask why and others shake their head because they know.
I hate being a woman.
People look at me,
I talk about the big things in life because I want to be somebody.
I want to help people I want to save lives I want to matter in the world.
I have thoughts I have hopes and dreams.
I have big ideas.
But everybody is more concerned with what I'm wearing, or what size bra I wear, or what my favorite *** position is.
I hate being a woman.
We stand on a pedestal miles high, and high heels much higher,
for everyone to gaze at our complexions and so called "temples" of a body.
We are taught to shut our mouths and do what others tell us to do.
It's wrong to say no.
It's okay for our men to ****** and be ****** to release and express,
But women are delicate and pure.
We are not ****** beings.
We aren't allowed to speak our minds freely because we are wrong.

I hate being a woman.
Because in a world of free men,
We stand, still chained to the past.

They took everything from her.
They.
Whatever those things are don't deserve names.
Not for what they did.
Just pretend you're somewhere else
You never realize what's happened
until after he's done.

You put a pillow over your own face because you're embarrassed the first time,
but you get used to it.
He's charming and always has the right thing to say.
It's fun dancing out in the night,
breaking the rules and not caring about anything.
The window opens and closes.
Heavy breaths in the middle of the night.
Just hoping your parents don't walk in.
What? You'll like it.

His friend thinks it'd be good to get back at him.
Yeah it'll be fun.
Curbside fun.
No cars drive by.
God please someone drive by.
I'm not done yet keep going.
He thought it was such a big joke.

Wow what a sweet car.
Meaningless texts,
turning into meaningless drives.
It's okay, no one will see.
I know a place we can go.
This doesn't feel right.
It happens again,
and again.

You're such a ****, I know what you did.
How could you do this?

So you like theatre huh?
Wow that was such a good monologue.
He's like Romeo, and I Juliet.
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Oh he's so romantic.
How'd I get to this place.
I can do this, I can handle myself.
Caressing and kissing.
God please don't leave me with him
I think I'm going to be sick.
It keeps on going,
does this ever stop?
It's so dark, I don't want to see his face.
Are you sure you want to do this?
No.
NO.
I don't want to do this get off me!

Yeah I'm kind of a big deal.
Wow he's cuter in person.
Why don't we hang out?
Oh my god yes.
The window opens and closes.
Not in my bed,
please no.
Of course.

No not you again.
He's still charming
He is drunk this time.
He always is now.
God I hate the smell of smoke.
Am I the only sober person here?
Frost, you know I love you right?
No.
No you don't.
You don't know a **** thing about me.
And you never will.

Country boy country wide.
Get in that big ole truck girl.
Riding in the moonlight.
Wow there's a lot more space back here than it looks.

You did what?!

Yeah I put in notches for every girl I bring back here

I am not just a notch.
I am a person
I am sick of being touched and grabbed.
Somebody just listen to me.

MONTHS LATER

No I don't want to go out,
I don't feel like it.
But I love Braums.
Standing impatiently in line waiting.
Waiting,
wait.
Who is he?
I can't look away.
I feel the magnetic pull towards him.
God he's perfect.
Hey can you give him my number?
11:00pm
Purple Hat.
Starbucks?
Oh I don't know.
What if he's like them
No, he's different.
Yeah sure I'll meet you there.
Four hours later.
A familiar warm embrace.
Well it was nice meeting you
Yeah you too.


I think you're my knight in shining armor
I'm saved.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it,
to be with someone.
I mean, who really wants to go through all of that?
Emotions
Heartbreak
Emptiness
Nothing.
What if it is hard to be with me because I want to be alone sometimes,
or that I can be hard to handle or trust?
Why do you do that with someone?
But then I figure it's worth it,
because why does everybody want it so bad?

Now once upon a midnight dreary
A young fellow once did ponder weak and weary
Not like anything one has heard before,
But this time is was something more.
As he slumped in evening chair,
Ah too much to have care.
The world around him caved in and saw,
His duties were beckoning him with their claw.
Arose from the chair pondering and pondering,
Out the door he came wandering and wandering.
Down the lowly corners and streets set light,
For he could not understand where we was try as he might.
Pulling and puzzling at his own thoughts jumbled,
Came the swift of his feet towards the soft thunder's rumble.
"What great spirit has led me to this? Upon my neighbor's door,
What such a dream, 'tis this and nothing more."
Without reason or thought upon his mind,
What strange power has caused this ill time?
Upon the chime of the midnight hour,
Stood this man at the door of the neighbor's tower.
Why he was there, that we may never know,
But surely the neighbor heard the commotion below.
A rapping came onto the neighbor's door,
"This is only a dream," the man thought to himself,
"'Tis a dream and nothing more."
He felt the pull of his hand as he tapped his neighbors door,
The force of an entity he never felt before.
Why he was there, we may never know,
But the neighbor did hear the commotion below.
As silent as the grave, the man stood waiting.
Patiently and quietly without hesitating.
Till at once his neighbor shook open the door,
And looked out at the man he had never seen before.
They each stared blankly at one another,
Until the man could no longer stutter.
"No reason here for my being at your door,
Just curious as to the man who lived here before."
The neighbor stared blankly at the man he'd never seen,
Pondering if he himself should scream.
"No sir, you must be mistaken tonight,
I am the only resident here for the years spite."
The man stood coldly, very shaken with hate,
And felt his hands squeeze against the neighbor's weight.
The neighbor's neck at once had snapped,
And he fell to the floor with one fall rapt.
Walking silent as the cold winter despair,
the man came back into his evening chair.
Why he came to the neighbor's house,
We may never know,
But he sat pondering and pondering to and fro.
A rapping came onto the man's door,
"This is only a dream," the man thought to himself,
"'Tis a dream and nothing more."

Calm*

That's definitely a word that I wouldn't expect to come up right now,
but it does.
I am relaxed.
A serene nature spills over me,
dumbfounding.
I know it works out either way,
and I think that's why I remain calm.
My heart knows I can be happy either way,
and that makes me happy.
Look at how far I have come,
you helped me with so much.
I can go out in the world,
and not ever be afraid again.
You taught me good things,
and bad.

You let me realize I am more than this,
I am more than the notch in the back of that truck,
I am more than a drunken plea from a pathetic loser,
I am more than a drunk car drive home.

I am worth more than I ever imagined,
and I can finally see it.
That light at the end of the tunnel.
I am unsure of the ending,
but I know that it is good.

There's no anger,
there's no more tears,
just a sure grip on reality and my worth as a person.
And it won't be the same for a while,
but it's okay.
It'll always be okay in the end.

This definitely isn't a sad sob story at all,
it was never meant to be one.
Just a simple crossing of paths,
for lessons sake.
Positive thoughts and positive feelings,
that's what I have in my heart.

No matter what does happen,
I got this big chunk of me back.
It was lost for such a long time,
but I just found it in myself.

You can break and shatter a vase,
with all of the pieces of it broken and scattered,
and you can glue all of the pieces back,
missing or not,
and it'll still be a vase.
It may not work,
or be pretty,
or stand up straight,
but it is still the vase that was before it was broken.

Thank you for everything,
because all of this,
it wasn't for nothing,
it was definitely something more.

I sit down like I'm six years old again,
I hold my dear stuffed animal to me,
I grab my salty snacks,
and I watch a Disney movie.

Not a particular one,
because they all have that same thing in them at one point or another,
true love

When I was six years old,
I always wondered what it would be like to be in love with someone.
Would I get to wear a big dress all the time?
Would I get my own pair of Venetian glass slippers?
Would I meet somebody unexpectedly and they would whisk me away?
Would somebody want to search the whole entire kingdom for me until they found me?
Would somebody finally love me for me and nothing else mattered?

Maybe exclude the dress, the shoes, and the kingdom part,
but yes it could definitely happen.

I remember I would sit down and write things that I would say to my true love,
when I met him.
Just silly little things I guess.
I would pretend that I was getting married and I would walk down the hallway,
pretending to be walking down the aisle to him.

I guess in theory I am still that six year old little girl,
in pure awe and imagination of what it would be like to be someone's princess.
To be fought for and rescued from some horrible fate.
I think it's possible to have that still,
I pray it is.
I still dream of being married one day,
to the most perfect person in the whole world.
They may not be perfect,
but they are to me.
I dream they will take every breath in their body and fight for me,
or they will use every waking hour and search the kingdom to find me.

The world is a gray and colorless place,
but I return to my dreams,
my hopes,
and my imagination.

And maybe someday,
instead of having to dream of these things,
I can be awake while they happen.

Sometimes it gets repetitive the way I talk about love,
But I really just love these things about you.
And I know I am not old enough to know what love is.
And I know I don't have much experience in life or at least what I think love is.
And I know I can be annoying and get jealous really easily when I am with you.
I know these things.
Everyday I wake up and think to myself,
"Why is he even with me? How do I deserve him?"
And whenever you look at me that way you always
Do, and you smile so warmly at me.
I know everything will be okay when you do.
And I'm not lying when I say I've never felt this way.
I close my eyes really tight sometimes,
And then open them back up to make sure I'm not dreaming.
I still feel like I am, and like everything goes by really fast.
I just sit here and think to myself,
I know I don't know what these things are,
But I do when I'm with you.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel,
But it's not visible yet.
I'm waiting for the fog to pass over.

Is this worth all these tears anymore.
I'm more broken than I was before.

I'm just another *****,
Just another notch,
Just another girl.
Nothing special.
I sure as hell don't feel like it.

No I don't have guys swooning over me,
I can't get someone like that,
I don't have someone on call for a date.

That's just not me.

But I sure as hell have some dignity.

I'm not some dog that's gonna beg for you.

I'm gonna save you some trouble and rip my heart
Right out for you,
And send it right back.

Something needs to be fixed
And it sure as hell ain't me.

I've been through hell and back,
And if that ain't enough for ya,
I'm sure that she is

Sometimes a person can feel alone,
even in a sea of people.
There is so much noise in the room and
you are just sitting there.
Alone.
So many thoughts are going through your head.
He is talking
She is talking
He is yelling
She is yelling
The sound of silence.
Everything can get quiet really fast,
time shifts.
Then it's over.

I really loved him.
Not in a teenage way,
in a real way.

He was in so many big parts of my life:
Prom.
Graduation.
College.
Everything.

It's so hard to let a person go that's been through everything with you.

That night at Braums,
I was so sure of everything.
I felt that magnetic pull towards you.
That's him, that's the one
I'm gonna marry that boy

It's still a shock I guess,
and it's hard to put on a smile.
I guess when someone has been in your life for that long,
it gets even harder for you to let them go.

I feel in my heart that it isn't over,
but in reality I can't explain.

You were such a big part of my life,
and still are and will be,
there's no denying or pretending that.
You changed everything.

And it's crazy to even say or think this,
I know,
but if you ever came back,
I'd say yes in a moment's flash.

I stare at that ring you gave me,
I realize now more than I ever did how beautiful it is.
It sits on my nightstand,
twinkling.
It is hard for me to hold it,
or even look at it.
But I still do.
I put it on my ring finger,  
but then I take it off again.
I don't know if it's too painful,
or I'm just too hopeful.

It sits on my hand,
and I wait.

*Love is a big word

I have more walls up than I ever had,
I think that's a good thing.
I needed a slap on the wrist,
a fresh perspective on reality.
There are worse tragedies in the world.
You have to pick yourself up,
and you got to keep going.
You have to find your place in the world,
and find your purpose.
You are so small,
so very small compared to the world.
Think of bigger things around you.
You are minuscule compared to the universe.
Suddenly you don't feel so big anymore,
you are small,
so very small.
The weight of the world
and your problems don't matter.  
There isn't anyone crying for you
and no one cares.
It's not a perfect world
or a caring one.
It's every man for himself.
So go and cry,
go right ahead.
Because there won't be anyone
waiting for you to call them and
vent, and they won't be waiting
for you to come home to them.
You are alone.
It's not a ***** word,
or a sad one.
Depends on who you are
and how you interpret it.
Get up.
Go and do what you were meant to.
Life is too short to regret.
You're seriously going to let
one little thing stop you?
If that's true then you are
worth as much as you always
thought you were.
Nothing.
You are not nothing.
You are something.
Something good and gracious.
Something worth living for.
Something worth having.

Zero.
Zero.
Zero.

Nobody there.

But that's probably a good thing.
I can't really tell yet.
But then again I can't really talk to you about it anymore.
I can't talk to anyone anymore I guess.

When it gets to the point where I have to ask someone,
Am I worth it anymore?
It's not the breaking point.
But it is rock bottom.
Rejected by the lowest of the low.
Ouch.

I run through the crowds of people,
trying to gasp for some air.
It's like nobody even sees me anymore.
I'm just another pretty face lost in a sea of people now.
I'm just like everybody else.

I need that spark again.
Just that smudge of light lost in the darkness of the world.
I found it once,
but it's lost now.
I want that spark that makes me feel human again.
Lets me know that I mean more than this.
Makes me happy to be alive and breathing everyday.
Makes me want to get out and live my life.
Something to live for.

I can't let rejection get to me anymore.
Because all I see is nothing.
*Zero

Nobody deserves that.
I don't care how bad you are.

This is an equivalence to
Ripping out a heart,
Stomping it out,
And then trying to put it back.
It's broken.
It's a pulp.
Yeah it might still beat,
But it's not going to work right.

What you did is wrong,
That's not going to help anything.

I'm screaming inside.

Why would you do this.

Well you don't even care how I feel,
You won't even listen.

Manipulative.

You deserve better

I'm at the end of my rope,
I'm hell on heels.

I'm not used to all of this,
But in a good way.

Pathetic, yes,
But it's different.
I'm not scared anymore.
Being left after everything,
It messes you up.
Don't leave me now,
I can't handle it.
My heart is the clock within my chest,
Counting out the minutes until you're here
Again.
"Who's going to stay here forever?"
"You are."
"Who's going to love you forever?"
"You are."
"Who is going to buy you a diamond ring?"

I'm not used to all of this,
But in a good way.

Woe to the girl who was left alone,
with her eyes that barely were shown.
She stood alone and pondered often,
remembering the words used to soften.

Who ever loved her?

If she deserved it or not,
we'll never know.

You know when you feel that something?
Something that makes you feel human. You know?
It's a spark of light in that perfect moment that just makes you
Stop. And
Swoosh.
With the wind blowing in my hair I feel somehow different.
Is this how this feels?
I don't even know how this stuff works,
But I'll do it.
All of this suddenly makes me feel,
Infinite.

I see an elderly man give his wife a kiss on her fore head.
I see a new dad smiling brightly at his new baby and his glowing wife.
I see a couple beginning their journey as man and wife.

I see these things already,
and I feel like it's on purpose.
Like it's some sick joke meant to toy with me,
but sometimes it's not so bad.
It's nice to see that happiness around me.

There are some things that I have to sort out,
and there are some things I just need to let go.

I go out to meet this guy,
but I know he's not the one.
Still knowing that,
I still go.
Maybe out of my self-pity,
or just to clear my thoughts.

It's hard waiting for something so good to come along,
but I know in my heart it'll be worth it all.
It's time for me to get the little pieces of myself back,
and put myself back together.

Whoever I will meet in the future
doesn't deserve to have what's left of my heart,
they deserve the entire thing,
not bits and pieces.
Crumbs

I continue on,
not knowing what to expect.
Only knowing that one day,
it'll all be worth it.
And when I see him,
I'll know.

I fell in love when I saw you standing there.
I'm serious.
It was just like
Wow.
Speechless.

Could the answer really be that simple.

No,
I won't believe it.

It's not right to do this to a person,
Or anyone in general.
It's wrong.

I'm not sugar coating it any longer.

Take me to bed, or lose me forever.

I keep trying.
I am trying so hard.
Desperately.
I know I sound and act crazy.
But that's what you do to me.

I need to get this all out of me and fix this.
I can't sleep when this is eating at my mind.
There's no light at the end of the tunnel,
not unless you're there.

I am clingy.
I am crazy.
I am depressed.
I need you though.

I am a tumbleweed in the wind.
Blown from place to place.
I know I'm supposed to go somewhere,
but for now I'm lost.
I'm pushed into desolate places,
with almost no light.
I'll end up someplace eventually,
but I'm here.
And there.
I have a purpose.
I have a meaning.
I've been lost more times
than found.
I'm on a broken road,
trying to find my way to you.

I crumble down,
Like the fool I am.

I cry for you,
I beg for you.
My heart is calling out to you.

Why don't you talk to me.

God this is torture.

Go back to normal,
We need to go back to normal.

But this isn't even close.

Please enough of all of this.

I want us back.

I will fight until I can't fight anymore.

You're holding something back.
Is there someone else?

Honesty.

I don't want to suffer anymore,
Just tell me.

I want you more than life.

I'm just a scared kid.
I don't know what I want,
and I'm not ready yet.
I'm just trying to cling to the sides of life and slow it down.
It's not easy going through it alone,
but someone's gotta do it.
The more it happens,
the more it hurts.
I thought I already went through this.
I didn't make this choice,
and it's not my fault.
When he talks to me I hear you in his voice,
and it's too much to handle.
Shut everything out.
I want to be alone,
I don't need anyone's comfort.
I feel like a puppet on a string,
and life is dragging me along.
I can't stop it.
I can't change it.
The past is the past,
I'm not that girl.
My heart has gone cold.
I don't have a capacity to feel anymore.
I don't need alcohol to numb my pain.
I'm already numb,
and it doesn't hurt.
I did what you told me to do,
and you made your choice.

Go slow girl,
You can't rush this.

It won't be the same anymore,
in the dark for too long.

Nobody ever comes back.

Don't rush it,
you should know this by now.

It's not him anymore.

Stay your distance girl,
don't get too close.

Give it time,
go slow.
Don't rush it.

Stop being frustrated girl,
that won't help you at all.
I know,
I know.

I can't sleep.

All I can think about is them together

Etched in my mind forever.
It can't be erased,
it never will be.

Just go to sleep, you'll feel better in the morning

More scenarios,
more thoughts.

This is unhealthy,
but so was that.

Breathe,
think of something else.

How can I think of anything but that?

Shh,
go slow.
Don't rush this,
don't mess this up.

Hello darkness,
did you miss me?

You have hold of him,
and you need to let him go.

I've faced the demons in my life,
and they come creeping by,
just every so often.
I stare them in the face,
unafraid and unwilling to fall.
Not this time.

They've made me human,
they've made me a person

I've learned these human emotions,
and I can feel

I can cry,
I can yell,
I can be as happy as I can be.

The darkness doesn't choose its victims,
but you don't know where it strikes.

In the pure of heart,
and the most wicked of souls.

It devours us all,
piece by piece.

*Hello darkness my old friend

Sometimes I just feel small.
Nothing literal or anything.
I just feel like it sometimes.
And I forget.

I hate when people say things to try to make me feel better.
Why can't you be honest and say what's on your mind.
So what if I'm hurting,
I just want to know the truth about everything.

Good things come to those who wait.
I am so sick of hearing it.
I've be waiting for so long,
it feels like hundreds of years.

Maybe I was reincarnated from the past.
Maybe I found the one already,
but it was in a different time.
And maybe now in this decade I need to find him.

I wish that was true.
But I'd have no idea what he'd be like.
Yet I know when I see him,
it'll feel like a real kind of love.
One that's been around for years.

I sit with droopy eyes,
Still waiting up.
I have bags under my eyes.
My body is shutting down under the pressure.
Everything is caving in.

And I know I shouldn't have texted you,
But I did.
And  I know I shouldn't have called you,
But I did.

I can't keep the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me slip through my fingers.

I stare at the cabinet.
Just a couple and I could be gone.
I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

What's happening to me,
I was okay earlier,
No.

This is not okay.

I'm being swallowed by the darkness.
Don't let it take me again.

I'm the last thing you think about at night
And never the first thing in the morning.
I'm there when you get lonely and no one is responding.
I'm the second choice to your precious beauty queen.
I'm just a second choice.
Because nobody wants the girl with brains and a mouth.
Nobody wants the girl that has the guts to say no.
Nobody wants that girl,
Nobody.

There's a vacant space on the wall,
Void of the memories.
I couldn't bear to stare at it.

Is it more painful to look at something,
And it's not even there?

My life is a vacant space,
Torn apart by thieves and beggars.

It's white and meaningness,
Like the walls that hold me in.

How can I be afraid of something
That isn't even there?

No matter what way it goes
I'm still broken.
A piece of me had been taken each time.
This time,
It was a huge piece.

I'm walking with a bag,
Filled with those little pieces of me.
I'm trying to put them together,
But no one will help me.

Am I broken beyond repair?
I feel like I'm already gone.
I left such a long time ago and I never came
Back.

It's just a swirling mist inside
My mind.
Nothing makes sense to me.

I see myself in the mirror and I sob.
Who is this girl
God I feel sorry for her
I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know how to feel.

Was it all for nothing.

I retrieve the chunks of myself,
Spread out across the floor.
They're much heavier than last time.
I open my bag and spilll them in.
I walk the lonely road,
On and on again.