I wish I was with you now.
Wrapped in your warm embrace.
I feel a lot safer there than anywhere else
In the world.
I love you to the moon and back.
They call me crazy because I say I'm in
Love.
I am warm inside and smile bright.
I love the way you love me.
I love the way you can make me laugh.
I love the way you kiss me.
I love the way you look when you talk to me.
I love everything.

Who's going to stay here forever?
You are.
Who's going to love you forever?
You are.
Who is going to buy you a diamond ring?

It's the voices again,
they're back in my head.
They keep replaying scenes from the past.
A nosebleed.
Toby really?
I still remember it all,
like it was yesterday.

Where are you?
I'm here,
in my own little corner.

I'll never leave you*
I know you won't baby,
I know.

I have a hole on my heart.

It's a missing puzzle piece.

I try to fit the pieces into it,

but nothing fits.

I try to jam and pound them in,

but they stick out.

I have a hole in my heart,

and nothing else will fit inside.

I can't go on with this void in my heart.

Everything is crashing down on me like a wave:

Suddenly and painfully.

180 degree flip.

But I can't drop all of the pieces.

She's getting engaged.

He's getting engaged.

I want to be that someday.

It's hard to be something that you're not.

It's hard to try and be patient.
It's hard to try and look good for class,
but I'd rather get to sleep in.
It's hard for my heart to be in two cities.
It's hard to plaster a smile on my face,
even when I am struggling to even
get out of bed in the morning.

I have bags under my eyes,
but you can't tell what they're from.
Have I been crying?
Or am I just exhausted?
No one has to know I guess.
Or just doesn't care.

It's hard to be so calm and confident,
when inside you're screaming.
Everyone is yelling at you.

You can't do anything right

You're stressing me out

You need to apologize

You need to get on your knees and beg for mercy

Beg.

All of these eyes are looking at me,
waiting for the right time to pounce.
I no longer have protection.

Or is it peace of mind

My heart has been hammered into a hundred pieces,
and nobody is picking them up.
I just want someone to feel bad for me I guess.
How pathetic of me.

Don't you want to stay?

I am at the end of a paved road.
Your taillights are getting dimmer and dimmer.
It is quiet in the world,
like my thoughts.
Am I too shocked or too confused.
Both I think.
I am in denial.
I walk aimlessly.
Who knows where I am going,
I don't really care where.
The world just lost its color-
everything seems gray.

***** fingernails
That's all I can really remember
Besides the sweet and piercing pain
That kept me throbbing but still on the edge of ecstasy
As tears rolled down my cheek
I wondered what would become of me
This is all I deserved,
and this is all I ever will deserve.
Just sweet and piercing pain with no comfort after.
No one to come home to.
No one to laugh with,
just no one.

I am an animal.
Scared, cold, and shuttering.
A cage encloses me with steel grips.

My master is good to me, and thoughtful.
He brings me food and water to keep me healthy.
I look behind him to the open gate.
A glimmer of light shines.
He returns my hopeful glance with his cold glare.
My cage is closed and locked tight.

I am free to escape him,
but I can't.
Part of me doesn't want to.
I love my master still.
The cold air whips my body as I lay and wait.
And wait,
and wait.

Waking up to the crackle of fire,
Smelling the winter air.
Christmas morning arrives.
Presents are passed,
From one to the other.
Movies, candy, makeup.
Now under the tree is bare,
With cold blank tile.
Where is he?
Where's the gift to make me warm?
Where's the gift to make me smile?
Where's the gift to hold me?
To tell me everything is okay?
To make me laugh?
To make me feel whole again.
Where is he?

I see you at the door with flowers.
A big grin on your face.
"I'm sorry".
"I'm sorry too ***."
I'm wrapped in your warm embrace.
I feel your heart beating,
And your sweaty palms.
I smell you again.
I'm at peace

I wake up.

The room is dark and cold,
And the wind howls against
The window.
I'm utterly alone.
Shadows of my past dance wildly.
The candle flame gently waves.
The space next to me is vacant and cold.

I dream and dream and dream.

I can't move.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
I can't eat.

I think I'll just fade away.

I'm not as strong as I say.

I stay up and I wait and I wait.

I'm good fun and games,
at least that's what everybody thinks.
I can be a sultry goddess,
or a lonely homebody.
I can be a lot of things.
*You're good fun

I went out tonight,
and I was scared beyond belief.
Was I ready?
Was it okay?

I went to our places,
actually they're just places now.
But I went.

I feel so empowered.
Like I can take on anything.
My life was made for so much more than this.
This is it.
This is what I needed to remember and realize.

It still stings,
it will for now.
But the pain gets less sharp each time.
I feel so free.
I can't tell if that's good or bad,
but only time will tell.

you stupid girl
you really thought that you could be happy
you really thought that you could do something nice
you stupid girl
once those demons enter your life,
you can never be happy.
a lie.
a rumor.
false.
you can never be happy.
the devil is here.

It's slow but steady.
The rhythm in my heart has picked up again.
We're not perfect,
But it's a start.
I want to go back to the night.
The night that changed everything.
I see you standing there,
And I swear I'm flying.
*Everything will be okay

I've hit a wall,
Over and over again.

Try talking to the one you love,
The one you've been with forever,
But you can't..

You can't talk to them like you used to.
You can't hug them,
Or kiss them.
Nothing

It's back to the beginning.
It's hurting me so badly.
It's frustrating.

I want to run to you.
I want to vent to you.
I want to be held in your arms.

I've hit a wall.
I can't get over it.

I can't knock it down.

I've hit a wall.

I'm a good ****.
I can tell you the directional derivative of a function though.
But who gives a ****.
I can drive you wild and blow
your mind.
But beauty can beat brains.
And my lips can sing songs,
or they can bring you to fruition.
Depending on the angle, the place, and the time of day,
I can be a whole other person.
Sometimes I have to pick and choose who I am going to be today.

I hope you know you're my world,
and everything in it.

I am sorry I am acting crazy,
I'm sorry for the repetition.

This is where my feelings can be written,
expressed.

*Oh darling I wish you were here

If you're reading this,
I'm waiting up for you.

I'm trying hard to stay away,
But it's so easy not to.

I'm waiting for you,
Because I love you.

Let's talk.

My mind gets to the point where it's done,
I can't take it anymore.
You say you love me,
why don't you show it then?
I can only do so much.
Drinks and drinks and drinks.
I am waiting patiently,
maybe not so patiently.
Is that your car?
No.
Is that you coming home?
No.
All there is in this house is yelling and fighting.
I know how you feel
I do,
I really do.
You give me everything I need and want.
It's like a ticking time bomb sometimes.
Just the slightest push or shove,
and BOOM

I want you here with me.
Where are you?
I am waiting patiently,
maybe not patiently.

I know I can be not all there sometimes,
I know.

Sometimes I like being alone,
I know.

Sometimes I don't treat you with the respect that you deserve,
I know.

But this is what you'll have to deal with.
You can take it or leave it.
Sometimes I think I am just terrible to you.
I treat you like dirt.
I am just used to it ending by now.
I'm sorry.

There's that itch to call you.

Just spill out my emotions,
but you wouldn't like that.

I'm trying to keep my distance,
but I can't.

I just miss the old days.
I want to run to you as you hold me,
and you tell me
Everything is going to be okay

I just need it,
I can't function without it.

Just kiss it all better.

I am a scientist
No
I am a woman
Yes
Sometimes I feel like one over the other
It’s so much easier for me to be **** for you than it is to be smart
You could see me make the long draws and pauses with the press of my lips in the light of a projector
Or you could see my lips become one with you
Tick tock tick tock
Such little time to find who you are inside
I have the arms that come from the walls and shush me and mock me and pin me down and remind me what I really am
And then the song I’ve been meant to sing tells me differently

But in the flash I quickly turn from what was flesh into something with meaning and purpose and that’s nice and all but after a night of listening to you bellow about all of that science **** I’d just like to see you on my bed
Where’s those **** pics?
Where’s my invitation?
Where’s that pretty little smile?

Who asked you?

When did toppling down the mountain that is woman become such a sport to the hungry lions circling the den?

You can be smart but you can’t be ****,
And you can be **** but you definitely can’t be smart.
There’s this never ending cycle with the click of a flash and there I am in all my glory back to the arms in the walls pushing me and prodding me and beckoning me with their ***** fingernails.

I am a scientist,
Yes,
A woman.

I have holes in my shoes from the miles I've walked,
Tired, wandering, lonely and lost.
I've counted the notches,
Struck every time,
But never able to call anyone mine.
I walk with my lonely soul,
down the blackened trail,
Feeling weak, weary, and frail.
I have put in my time,
Taken every punch,
But now there isn't much.
My soul yearns for someone to love,
And for someone to see me in entirety,
And to be loved for once,

finally.

Dark thoughts surround me.
I see them.
All of them.
I never realized how many there was.
They have devilish grins on their faces.
I felt like something inside me was missing.
Each of them had something in their claws.

They each had a little piece of me,
That I didn't even know was gone.
They controlled me with it.
They all just sat there laughing at me.
Just laughing.
I tried to run.

I ran as far away as I could.
But they still found me.
How do they find me?
They always do.
They'll always be there in the back of my mind.
I see them everywhere I go.
Each with a different excuse,
Each with a different pick up line.
All waiting to get a little piece of me.

"So it's not gonna be easy.
It's gonna be really hard.
We're gonna have to work at this every day,
but I want to do that because I want you.
I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please?
Just picture your life for me?
30 years from now, 40 years from now?
What's it look like?
If it's with him, go.
Go!
I lost you once,
I think I can do it again.
If I thought that's what you really wanted.
But don't you take the easy way out."

I think back on everything,
how amazing it was.

How amazing it still is.

I don't want to lose you

I'm gonna make you realize how much I care.
I want to make you understand so badly.

*I love you

It's not over.
I don't accept it.
I won't.
I sit and I wait for you to call or text.
Please,
We can get through this.
I did nothing  wrong.

I want to be in your arms so badly,
You're supposed to be here now.

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.
That I could just forget it all.
The way he said it.
The way my skin cringed.
The way I was left.
No more of that.
Lets forget it all.
But I can't help it.
It comes creeping into my mind.
Your touch turns into his.
Your voice is his.
Everything is changing back to that night.
Again and again.

I sit at the door waiting.
I watch the leaves blow by.
It already feels like an eternity.
As it blows by.
I'm waiting for you,
But you aren't coming.
Where are you?
Are you thinking of me too?
I wish I was a leaf.
Nothing to worry about,
Nothing to do.
I would just tumble and spin
In the wind.
I'm falling
With nothing to catch me.
I'm waiting,
And waiting.
Won't you save me?

I have prayed for someone like you*

God I don't want to hurt anymore,
please.
I've prayed to You,
help me.

There's water rushing in
And,I'm the only one who can feel it.
It's filling up my lungs.
I look at the people around me,
I try to scream.
But they can't hear me.
I'm drowning.